How to Be Happier: Lessons from a Cater Waiter

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

at your serviceA few months ago, I started working with a company that farms out cater waiters for local events. I hadn’t worked in the service industry for over a decade, but it seemed like a good way to make some extra money while I finished my book.

Truth be told, I was really nervous about this decision at first. I assumed I’d be the oldest woman there, because surely only college kids spend their evenings carrying trays between tables at charity dinners. I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to carry a tray – or work on my feet for several hours at a time.

But, I knew I needed to do something besides writing for money. There are only so many words a woman can conjure in a day, and I wanted to dedicate the bulk of mine to the book. I also wanted to hold on to the flexible lifestyle I’ve become hopelessly addicted to. Being able to take on as few or as many shifts as I wanted as a cater waiter seemed like the perfect fit.

Surprisingly, I’ve unearthed some new pockets of happiness in my black-and-white uniform.

How Working as a Cater Waiter Has Made Me Happier

I’ve learned new skills. Turns out my fears weren’t unfounded: I did not know how to carry a tray stacked with dinner plates and wine glasses. But I learned. The first night I was able to serve and clear my tables all by myself, I was pretty proud of myself. I came home and gushed to Jared about not needing a runner or team captain to help. I’ve also learned how to fold napkins into little tents, a talent I’m totally going to try out at home one of these nights.

I’m sure it sounds silly, but learning new skills is one of those things that just makes people happier. It doesn’t matter how valuable the task is; the accomplishment feels good.

It feels good to do a good job just for the sake of doing a good job. As a temp, I’m little more than a number to the people I work under during a shift. I’m not going to get a promotion or a raise, and even tips are rare at pre-paid events. I realized quickly that no one notices who works hard and who hides behind a rack of dishes while playing on a smartphone.

My smartphone is never on me during a shift, because the handbook says they aren’t allowed. This leaves me with little else to do but work, and I’ve found that it’s rewarding to do a good job that no one notices. This sounds like common sense, but I’m so accustomed to having my efforts monitored, recognized, and rewarded accordingly that I’d forgotten what it feels like to work in a vacuum of my own standards.

Opportunities for connection are everywhere. It was difficult at first to face a room full of strangers without the comfort of my iPhone, especially when I saw a lot of other people didn’t take the no-phone rule seriously. I’d spend the ample downtime sitting alone at a table or looking around for something to polish. Eventually, however, someone would grab a rag and start polishing with me or sit beside me at the table and ask how many tables I had.

Slowly but surely, the connections came. I haven’t made any new friendships, really, but I’ve exchanged smiles and laughter. I’ve formed quick partnerships in an effort to clear an area faster or clean up a mess. And of course, I’ve enjoyed mini-connections with the people I actually serve.

These aren’t the deep, lasting relationships that sustain us during hard times – but they are no less important. The kind words and helping hands that color our day-to-day lives are the constant reminder that we’re all connected, that we’re all tied to something big enough to keep us from spinning off into loneliness.

How do you find happiness at work?

Make A Space for Happiness

Monday, April 15th, 2013

what a wonderful world“I’m turning the office into my studio,” my mom told me.

I found this a little odd at first, because my mother doesn’t paint, or draw, or do any of the things one associates with a studio.

“What are you going to put in there?” I asked.

“My clothes,” she said.

I instinctively cocked my head to the side, but she only heard my confused silence over the phone.

“A studio is where people create things,” she explained to me, “and I’m creating something beautiful with my clothes. I’m playing with colors and dressing myself up for the first time in my life. So, my clothes are going in my studio.”

“I guess that makes sense. What else is going in there?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a computer where I edit my photos, or maybe I’ll print off some of the pictures I take. I don’t know. I just know I want a space to create. I’m making a studio.”

My mom makes declarations like this every so often. I suppose it’s where I get my own inclination for declarative statements. I’m going to be happy now.

I have my own little studio. It’s not a separate room, but rather a corner in my bedroom where I’ve set up a table and some shelves to hold my craft supplies. I sewed my pillow covers at the table, and I sat on the floor there while sticking vinyl letters on an over-sized print to make a poster for the living room. My projects often bleed out into the hallway or even the front porch, where it’s just a little safer to yield a can of spray paint, but most of them are born in the studio.

I think making the space to practice creativity has sparked something.

It’s as if genies and muses know they are welcome, and so they show up now with surprising regularity.

I cleared a table and said, “here is where I’ll make things,” and miraculously the ideas and time and desire appeared.

I had no idea how creative I could be until I had a studio.

I believe we are all creative. I know that learning and doing new things makes us happier. But sometimes there is a gap between knowing those things and living them. Perhaps making room for that – in our homes and in our schedules – is a step we can take to bring more of that creative happiness into our lives.

Do you have a studio? I’d love to hear if you’re inspired to make one.

Hitting Submit

Friday, April 12th, 2013

You guys.

I just submitted my first book to a publisher.

YOU GUYS.

I was never planning to submit it to a publisher. I wasn’t going to take the chance of getting rejected. I was just going to go straight to self publishing.

But then, it turns out someone I’ve followed on Twitter forever actually works for a small publisher, and she thought her company might be a good fit. She encouraged me to submit, and I told her I really didn’t want to waste time waiting for a no. She promised to fast track it for me.

I kicked the idea around and decided to go for it.

And then I almost didn’t fill out the paperwork.

And then, well… and then I did.

And nothing has changed from yesterday to now, except that I submitted a manuscript. I followed through.

After I hit send, my heart just about burst out of my chest – and this time it wasn’t fear. It was joy. Pure, unmitigated, holy-shit-I-did-it joy.

No matter what happens next, no matter what they decide, I took the leap.

And it feels fan-freaking-tastic!

leap

A Muddled Attempt to Work Through Abandonment Issues

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

I was scrolling through Twitter and saw a familiar avatar go by. My heart rolled and then sank a bit. I miss being friends, I thought. More than that, I wish I knew why we weren’t really friends anymore.

Maybe it’s normal, I thought to myself. Relationships change, they ebb and flow. People grow together and grow apart. Remember when you and Faiqa went through this back when you were both dealing with a lot of change? And you love each other still.

This has happened before, the voice said.

It keeps happening to you.

They all leave.

Everyone leaves.

Images from the past hit me like a flashback scene from a movie. I was crying to my stepdad after he’d asked me if I wanted him to be my dad. “Everyone leaves,” I was telling him. I was 12 years old and this would be the third man I’d call dad. “They say they love me and then they get tired of being my dad. They get tired of me.”

“I promise I will always love you,”

And he did. Of course, he didn’t always stick around to be my dad, but somehow I always knew that was about him and not about me. He always loved me, at least.

But so many others changed their mind. Their faces rolled through my mind. The boyfriend, the girlfriends, the ones who just stopped calling, and the ones who hate me now.

The common denominator is you, the voice said.

This is my go-to don’t-be-oblivious test. I’m terrified of being oblivious, and so I’m quick to look to myself for reasons for other people’s behavior. Because if everyone leaves, it has to be you.

I’m unlovable, I conclude.

But I’ve been through enough therapy to recognize that statement as completely and totally wrong. None of us is unlovable or unworthy of love. That’s bullshit, and always a cover for something else.

I’m connecting the dots, I tell myself. I’m linking people and places that don’t go together, and only because of that very old button that’s been hit.

Maybe there is a pattern. Maybe I do or say things that push people away or make people get tired of me. But even if that’s true, that doesn’t make me unlovable.

I remember Emma crying on the sidewalk after she’d come home too late to attend a play date. I’d told her that her irresponsible choice had left her friend at home wondering where she was, and I’d asked her to imagine how she would have felt.

“I’m a horrible person,” Emma wailed.

“No, you’re not a horrible person,” I told her. “You made a poor choice that hurt someone’s feelings, but you are not a bad person.”

I’m trying to tell myself that, that maybe I’ve made poor choices, but that doesn’t equate to being a bad person.

Of course that doesn’t quite fit right either, because I don’t even know exactly what choices I’ve made in each case, and in the early stories I was a child. A child cannot behave a parent away.

I’m trying to disconnect the dots, but I’m afraid of missing important patterns. I’m afraid of being oblivious.

And I’m hurt. I’m little girl hurt about not being enough to love forever. The button’s been tripped, and it’s harder to unlink the heart than it is to mentally untie the knots that bind the stories together.

Self-help books and therapy lovers like to say that how someone treats you is a reflection of them and not you. It’s sound advice for someone who is being bullied or abused. But the same mouths will testify that we teach people how to treat us, which suggests that we do carry at least some of the responsibility for other people’s actions.

Finding the balance is tricky. I suppose it can only be figured out on a case by case basis. I suspect that carrying thirty-year-old abandonment issues into the room will make it impossible to see where their reflection stops and my responsibility begins.

I don’t have any wisdom to offer here, except to know that seeing the string makes it a little bit easier to untangle it. Recognizing why the hurt is so big helps me temper my response to it. And knowing the lie helps me remember the truth. I am lovable, at least.

How Change Makes You Happier

Tuesday, April 9th, 2013

I keep thinking I’ve already written this post. I’ll be writing another post and go to link to this one, and only then discover that I’ve never actually written it. I’ve eluded to its message, but never put this very basic truth of happiness here. So, here it is:

Change makes people happier.

Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while – or if you’ve been paying attention to your own life, I suspect – you’ll know that change is often the source of angst and unhappiness. I hate change, and even worse than change is the uncomfortable transition period leading up to it. In fact, most of us are hardwired to fear and avoid change.

And yet we are also hardwired to love change once it has happened.

More accurately, our brains love experiencing something new. Whether it’s new shoes or a new food, our brains tend to respond to novelty with a spike in happiness hormones. That little thrill you feel when you put on a new outfit or step out into a new city? That starts chemically in your brain, and it’s a completely normal and practically universal response to newness.

You guys. Retail therapy is science.

You’re welcome.

Of course, retail therapy is also expensive, and what is new today will soon be old.

That’s one of the downsides of relying on new stuff to make you happy. You’ll find yourself constantly seeking the next new thing and only being happy until the shine on your shoes dulls or the next iPhone is released. (This is called hedonic adaptation, and is also perfectly normal, much as it sucks.)

This is when I start to imagine the very smug faces of invisible strangers who cross their arms and say “see, I told you pursuing happiness is stupid.” But it’s not. It’s tricky, and a little more complicated than hitting the mall whenever you feel blue, but the pursuit of happiness – even if it is constant – is not stupid.

The trick, I think, is to try to discover sustainable newness.

Sustainable newness is novelty that won’t break the bank or become old and boring within a few days. It’s also something I just made up, so the definition is still a work in progress.

I look for sustainable newness at the thrift store (because at least it’s a little bit cheaper there) and in craft projects. I find it when I learn something new – like knitting – or when I stay up late watching documentaries about a foreign-to-me subject. I cultivate sustainable newness by shaking up my routine once in a while, and by making the effort to meet new people.

Sustainable newness, it seems, is often the kind that comes with that uncomfortable learning curve and transition period. It’s not usually the easy, quick fix kind of change that comes from dropping by Target, but I think the results last longer. I also suspect, although I have zero scientific proof to back this up, that it’s even better for the brain than retail therapy.

What do you think? Do you see proof in your own life that novelty makes us happier? Have you found sustainable newness?