I’m Tired of Depression. Again.

I am so tired of writing about depression.

I think technically it’s been a very long time since I’ve written about it – but every time feels like here we go again. Every time feels like it makes liars out of the days since the last time, the days when I thought I was “managing my depression”.

I’ve been really angry this time around, angry at my body mostly and the unfairness of having to live inside of it. Why can’t I just be normal? Because I’m certain everyone around me is normal and healthy and doing more than managing.

I know that’s not true. I know that lots of people are dealing with lots of things.

But I feel like the only person who needs to sleep so damn much.

My husband doesn’t have to sleep like I do.

Sure, he has a chronic skin condition that flares up and causes head-to-toe burning every few weeks… but he doesn’t stop getting shit done. It’s so easy to tell myself I have it worse.

Forget worse for a minute. I want to admit that I’m angry – and scared, and tired of being tired.

It’s been a few years since my body was this out of whack. The weight gain, the crushing fatigue, the irregular cycles that are usually Swiss-like in their precision. The last time I got like this I made my way to an endocrinologist and was diagnosed with a metabolic syndrome, which is an official way of saying I can’t eat carbohydrates.

I have been eating carbohydrates.

And here’s the thing: I’m too fucking tired to fix it.

The idea of cooking two eggs right now is enough to send me back under the covers. Meal planning and shopping? Just… no.

That’s where I’m living right now: in the land of no.

I do only what I have to. It’s kind of amazing, actually, what that entails and how, exactly, I’m able to get myself up at 4:30 in the morning to chaperone a kid event and work until 10:00 at night when someone else is counting on me… but how cooking an actual breakfast or lunch is entirely too much to handle.

It has always been my motto that the kids wouldn’t suffer: not for my unplanned pregnancy, not for my marital strife, and not for my depression.

I wish I knew how I was making that work, because I’d channel that energy and willpower into the rest of my life. I swear I would… if only I could.

Maybe if I knew for sure that my efforts would matter. I try and tell myself that doing this one small thing will start a chain reaction and the payoff will be huge, but the idea of a chain reaction sounds big and a bit overwhelming. I’ll start tomorrow, I promise. It’s just one more day.

And now it has been days. Too many days.

I’m so tired of writing about depression.

But mostly, I’m tired of it being my story.

  1. I understand your angry and frustration. Depression can be suffocating. The worst part is you are aware. It is like watching yourself drown and there is nothing you can do. It js really tough when you have kids because you don’t want to be affected by it. Hopefully, you can take some comfort in knowing you don’t have to go through it alone. There are plenty in the mental health community who are here for you if you need it. :)
    Lauren Kocher’s most recent post: I have a potentially deadly illness.

  2. Megan says:

    I wish I could come and make eggs for you. It hurts me that you have to go through this at all. You’d think medication could take care of it.

    It is a testament to our resilience that we can summon the energy and stamina to do what needs doing at times like these. It’s a shame we can’t add ourselves to that list when we are in the dark place.

    I love you. XO
    Megan’s most recent post: Get It For Free

  3. Carly says:

    You are not alone. You are so not alone. Not in the fatigue, not in the food issues, not in the weird ability to show up for the kids but not the self. I’ve been crying and forcing myself to stay awake, then having some weird backlash insomnia come bedtime, and consequently parenting like a horrible monster version of myself. I totally feel what you’re saying. I just don’t want to fight this same old battle yet again, and here I am. And knowing it won’t be the last time either. It never will.

  4. Dee says:

    Hi Britt – I absolutely hear you. I hear how tired you are, and how much you’ve had enough of the cycle. I understand that you just want to be healthy/normal (whatever that is). I thank you for sharing that.

    Don’t underestimate how much impact those 4:30am starts are having on you. I know why you’re doing it, and I’m sure you probably know this – but I know me changing my wake up time from 5:10 to 4:10 (only an hour! I kept telling myself) resulted in terrible fatigue because I never added that extra hour at the other end. I’m struggling at the moment with how I’m supposed to fit everything in to the day, because for the first time I know just how much I need at least 8 hours sleep a night: but I’m looking at it as you do saving money – pay yourself first, then pay everything else. I might have to give something up, or change my preferred time of doing things, but it means my body has time to heal and get the rest it so desperately needs. It’s just my story, and might not have any bearing on yours – just thought I’d share in case it does :)

    *hugs*

  5. Chloe says:

    I suffer from depression too, and I was worried I had a sleep disorder because I slept so much.
    I just finished Gretchen Rubin’s book, Better Than Better about habits. It sounds like you’re an obliger and your habits might benefit from reading her tips!

    Much love,

    Chloe

  6. […] of course I have been attempting to deal with it myself because, hey! I’m already medicated! I do not want to deal with this anymore, […]

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