WARNING: If You Say This You’re Lying to Yourself

Wednesday, January 8th, 2014

self talk

The words that come out of your mouth are a good indication of what’s going on in your head. Some words are signals that you’re hiding – behind fears, behind stories you tell yourself, behind old habits.

It’s not because you’re bad. It’s because that’s what we do.

We lie to ourselves to protect us from a truth we think we can’t handle.

You have no control.

You’re unlovable.

You’re a fraud. You’re unworthy.

You’re doing it wrong.

These are the lies we hide from. But the longer you hide, the more power those beliefs have.

The best way to disprove the lies is to drag them into the light, to let yourself be vulnerable and authentic in your head and in your relationships.

Look for the clues. Listen for the signs that you’re wading through garbage in your own head.

“I feel like…”

You’re not saying how you feel, you’re saying what you think. There’s a difference.

You say “I feel like you’re going to leave.” What you really mean is, “I think you’re going to leave.” What you might feel is scared or helpless.

The worst part of “I feel like…” is that it’s usually used when you are really making an effort to communicate. You’re trying to open yourself up, but you’re only getting as far as your head.

Say what you feel.

“I should…”

Stop it.

Should means you’re being guided by outside influences without stopping to think about your own values and priorities.

Should is pretending you’re a victim of obligation instead of embracing your choices.

Don’t should on yourself.

Don’t should on anyone else either.

“I always…”

No one always does anything.

The words always and never rob you of perspective and make you forget that everything is temporary. Always turns disagreements into unsolvable problems. Always makes it easy to bully yourself for missteps.

Forget about always and never. Take a right-now sized bite out of it.

“You make me so…”

Nope.

Not happy, not sad, not angry.

No one makes you feel anything.

You might feel sad when something happens, but that emotional reaction is entirely about you and your view of the world. It’s a result of your buttons being pushed, buttons that are unique to you and your history.

Often there’s a story you tell yourself between his action and your feeling. The story is your fear. The story is the lie.

The story can be rewritten.

What are the stories you’re making up about yourself?

like this post love this book

  1. JodyR says:

    So true! I hate it when I should upon myself and I love the comment about nobody making you feel anything. Looking forward to reading your book!

  2. “Should” is such a sneaky word. There are countless times when I feel like I should be doing something, but I’ve grown to catch myself and reframe it. Even if I still feel like the action is valid, I am doing it for a different reason.

    The one caveat I have for that is if I’m trying to accomplish a specific goal I’ve personally set out. In which case I “should” be doing something, or else it’s not going to happen. I “should” be leaving for work now, if I want to get there earlier than before.

    Good thoughts!
    Ryan Bonaparte’s most recent post: Where Passions Fit In Entrepreneurship

    • Britt Reints says:

      Ryan – it sounds like you’ve got the secret of the should figured out: you tie it to a goal or decision that you get to choose!

  3. Dawn says:

    This really spoke to me in a big way. Thank you for that.

  4. Cindy says:

    What is funny, is this all makes sense.

    Every single bit.

    But for me when I am in the moment of that self-talk with “I feel,” I really do feel those things in that moment and forget that that moment will change… eventually.

    & the “You make me so-” Wow. I never really thought about it that way. Something I really need to think about when thinking about certain individuals in my life.

    I love a good blog post that gets me thinking. Thanks!
    Cindy’s most recent post: My word. Or lack of.

    • Britt Reints says:

      “I feel…” isn’t necessarily the trip up. It’s when you’re trying to explain how you feel and you say “I feel LIKE…” What comes next is probably a thought process, a story of some kind, rather than an actual emotion. Those things aren’t BAD, and in fact it’s really useful to be able to recognize what those stories/thought processes are. I’ve just also found it’s super useful to be able to identify the difference between a thought and an emotion.

      You wouldn’t every say, for example, “I feel like sad.” You’d just say “I feel sad” or “I feel excited.”

      Both the thoughts and the feelings are true for you/me in the moment; I’ve just found it helpful to be able to recognize if it’s my head or my gut talking at the moment.

      Does that make any sense? lol

  5. Love these!! Eliminate should from your vocabulary – it’s pointless! If you think you should do something, then you will, there is no should. Also dislike whenever I think that someone made me feel a certain way, because that’s saying that they have complete control over my emotions – which of course they don’t
    Janine @ BreathOfOptimism’s most recent post: A Different Kind of New Year’s Resolution

    • Britt Reints says:

      “Also dislike whenever I think that someone made me feel a certain way, because that’s saying that they have complete control over my emotions”

      EXACTLY!!!!

      Taking responsibility for our stuff isn’t about taking on blame, but about taking back that POWER!!

  6. Loukia says:

    I always say I always make the wrong decision. I know that’s not totally accurate. And I always feel like I didn’t do something well enough.
    Loukia’s most recent post: That’s A Wrap!

    • Britt Reints says:

      It hurts my heart how hard you are on yourself sometimes, Loukia! You’re such a beautiful, big-hearted, hard working woman.

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