I have an ugly confession to make, and I’ll warn you now that there is no life lesson or resolution at the end of it. I’m just putting the ugly out there, because I haven’t been able to figure out what else to do with it.
I struggle with jealousy and envy.
Like, a lot.
It is consistently what ties me up in knots, turns me into a twisted version of myself, and keeps me from pursuing my goals to their completion.
When my best friend tells me about all the fun she is having with another friend, I become bitter that those moments were not spent with me. I withdraw and snipe; I make a laundry list of what is wrong with the interloper. I worry that I’m being replaced. I cry over feeling replaceable.
When a writer I admire receives praise and recognition, I immediately ask, “why not me?” I focus on all the ways that I am lacking, and I worry as I see the last scraps of opportunity be tossed at her feet. It doesn’t matter that I don’t believe opportunity is limited, because I am suddenly a starving beggar watching the last meal on Earth go to someone else.
Like I said, it’s ugly, uglier still because it’s usually inspired by people I care about and want to cheer for.
It pisses me off to realize that this nasty resentment and coveting is rooted in a belief that I am not enough. I have worked so hard and for so long on changing that belief, and yet it is still wrapped around my core like a fungus. I don’t seem to be able to carve it out; no matter how many chunks I remove with gratitude and positive thinking, new pieces keep sprouting.
I’m telling you this because you have to face your feelings.
I’m telling you this because the pursuit of happiness is not linear.
But mostly, I’m telling you this because I hope that confession will help cleanse my soul.