14 Ways to Save Your Marriage


Not quite three years ago, Jared moved out of our home and we began a trial separation. It lasted about a month before I begged him to come back and we began the process of putting our marriage back together. Actually, it was probably then, in 2009, nine years after we’d first said “I do”, that we first started really building our marriage.

I retell that history because I know that there are people who are still there and not quite here, and that makes my heart hurt.

I know that there are those who contemplate leaving, if only in their secret fantasies. I know that there are those who wonder why their lives don’t look like what they see on the movies.

And I know what it is to hear someone gushing about their husband and wonder what the hell is wrong with them, because resentment and annoyance has become the new normal.

I want you to know that things can get better.

Here’s how.

3 Secrets to a Happy Marriage, According to Me

1. Spend time together.

The less time we spend together, the more likely we are to bicker and pick at each other. And here’s the thing: family time is not the same as couple time.

I realize looking back that Jared and I spent almost no time alone together in the beginning of our marriage. We went out together with friends, and we’d inevitably split off into boy-girl groups and speak very little to one another. We spent our evenings with the kids and most of our weekends with extended family. We were in the same room with one another nearly all the time, but we very rarely spent time really being together.

You can’t nurture a relationship if you don’t spend time having that relationship.

2. Spend time apart.

The flip side of that is that when we would occasionally try to go out together we sat in awkward silence for most of the evening. Part of the problem was that we weren’t used to being alone with one another, but another factor was that neither of us had anything interesting to bring to the table. We didn’t have our own hobbies that we pursued or ideas to discuss with one another. We were almost always in the same place together, witnessing the same events, except when we were at work. Guess who long we wanted to talk about each other’s work lives? Not very.

I began to pursue my own interests long before Jared did. I started blogging, for one thing. It came more naturally for me to get out and do things on my own than it did for him.

After we separated and he realized I might be leaving him all alone, Jared seemed more determined to create something for himself that wasn’t connected to me. He took a class and got his motorcycle license. He started working out more. He spent more time with his friends, even leaving me home along with the kids to do so.

He became a fascinating person that I can’t wait to talk to every day.

3. Go to marriage counseling.

If it wasn’t for marriage counseling, we’d be divorced. Or maybe we’d be unhappily married. The fact is, there was just no way we could teach ourselves what we didn’t know we didn’t know. Counseling taught us how to communicate, and that has made all the difference.

I know that some people never go to counseling and they stay married forever and ever until someone dies. I have no idea how they manage that, and I’m impressed as hell. However, I can’t think of a single married couple that I personally know – ourselves included – that couldn’t benefit from some quality time with an expert. It is really that good.

It’s also expensive. I get that. So is divorce.

Secrets to a Happy Marriage, According to Everyone Else

As someone who has come perilously close to the edge of divorce, I am keenly aware that I am not an expert on marriage. At all. If I had my way, I’d still be going to marriage counseling at least once a month forever. With that in mind, I took to the Internet (aka Facebook and Twitter) and asked them what they thought was the secret to a happy marriage.

Here’s what they said:

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Couples counseling – having a neutral party, as well as to teach us how to be on each others side during arguments. – Daniel Pelfrey

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Laughter is number one. Communication — remembering your partner can’t read your mind — is right up there, too. – Dawn of Red Pen Mama

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Just be in it for the long haul. Don’t go in unless you’re sure it’s the right thing. When you have blow-ups, just remind yourself they are temporary bumps, but the road goes on. – Sherry Hall

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not trying to control or change the other person. having an independent source of happiness instead of expecting the other person to give it to you. – Michael Moebes (the muskrat)

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Choosing to accept that our partners cant be the be all and end all that we need (after all, thats why we also have friends). Accepting that they cant be at their best at all times (because Lord knows we ourselves fall often enough) and choosing to not take it personally when they arent. The best relationships can be picked apart, if someone chooses to not accept that perfection doesn’t exist. – Tammy Gamman

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Never be just comfortable with each others company. Invest into each others interest and go on weekly dates. – Christy Carritt

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Communication and sex. Without those two, a marriage is merely a legal agreement to have a roommate. Also it helped me to be able to cook well. He knew he’d miss that if he ever screwed things up! LOL We’ve been together almost 15 years and married almost 14. I’d say my tips are working pretty well! :-)Cissa Fireheart

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A sense of humor and shared interests, plus away-from-each-other-time. Oh, and living in adjoining condos has always sounded like a good idea to me. As a friend of mine once said, “Don’t get married if you can’t take a joke!” – Jane Pecorella

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Communicating with respect – @asilentstorm_

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Laughter. – @FireMom

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Separate bathrooms. Hand to God. – @Mir

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The Internet is pretty smart.

If you’re at the point where all of this sounds too good to be true, too easy, too completely far away from where you are – you don’t have to give up. Believe me when I say that we were at rock bottom, and then I crawled under the rock just to be sure I couldn’t get any lower. Consider finding a marriage counselor in your area. <–that’s a link to the type of counseling we did.

And if you’re ready to walk away, that’s OK, too. In some ways, admitting that I wanted a divorce was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

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Comments

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  1. Good points, all of them. I just wish HHH would read this, but I know he won’t. Sigh…
    Blondefabulous’s most recent post: 32,014

  2. Megan says:

    “Not trying to control or change the other person. having an independent source of happiness instead of expecting the other person to give it to you.”

    This. Absolutely – but it took me a long time to learn. And communication is important too. And learning how to listen.

    We will celebrate our 19th anniversary this October. It hasn’t all been wine and roses, but we’ve weathered some pretty intense storms and come out the other side. I’m so looking forward to the next 20 years!
    Megan’s most recent post: How The Internet Saved My Sanity—Again

  3. the muskrat says:

    I like seeing all these good tips together in one place!
    the muskrat’s most recent post: empty

  4. It’s been three years since the ink dried on my divorce and the biggest thing I learned from that experience and apply every day to my relationship with Steve is this:

    Every relationship (married or not) requires choice. It’s a choice we make every day, every hour and every interaction. We choose whether our words, our attitudes, our behaviors is going to support the relationship or tear it down. When we make these choices with love, care and respect, our relationships grow. When we act assuming these choices are already made, relationships are neglected, wither and die. So, make the choice. Every day. Every minute. Every word.
    Nancy at Spinning My Plates’s most recent post: Coming Clean

  5. Kelley Glazier says:

    As always Britt…a great read. I’ll add to that, counseling saved my marriage. I adore my husband and we are truly best friends. But it wasn’t always this way. Those of us who went to hell and back, stuck it out in counseling, and found a way to LIKE again ( since I think our love was always there) are certainly something special.

  6. As yet another person who has been perilously close to divorce I will echo what you say here. Therapy, for us, was a must. As was (and still is) a lot of talking, a lot of honesty, and being willing to go places in those conversations that aren’t always comfy and fun. But if you’ve been to “almost divorced” and back you realize how precious and important it is. And that feels better than anything!
    Carrie Monroe O’Keefe’s most recent post: The. Tooth. Fairy. Can’t. Fly. In. The. Rain.

  7. Becca says:

    The two things that I took away from my horrid divorce was 1. Don’t talk (bitch, whine) about your partner with anyone else. If you have a problem with them, take it to them. They can’t fix or help fix the problem if they don’t know, and it’s a lot worse if they hear it from someone else (and it always happens.) 2. Have your own friends.

    Crys has friends, I have friends and then we have friends together. She does not like to go to the movies or shop. I don’t like fixing cars, or yard work. It’s important to have friends that you can do different things with.

    Aside from that communicate. I am amazed at how many of us who made it to adulthood without knowing how to communicate. Good ideas from everyone, thank you! :)

  8. Lisa says:

    Not trying to change or control the other person is a big one. So is, I think, accepting that people are always changing and growing, and trying to grow together so you don’t grow apart.
    Lisa’s most recent post: Can I Sail Through the Changing Ocean Tides

  9. This is synchronisity in action. I was thinking about mailing you and asking you to share the process. Thank you. :)

  10. Nice stuff. Laughter is a good one. So is communication, compromise, consideration, compassion, touch, yes, touch. We’ve been married for 36 years and it has not been easy but it hasn’t been hard. It is work but well worth the effort to have a companion and best friend for the rest of your life.
    Jill of All Trades’s most recent post: Watching Concrete Dry

  11. May I add, both partners should read The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman.
    That book changed my life, and I give partial credit to it, to saving my marriage.
    Thanks for this post. I know there are others out there who need it too.
    monstergirlee’s most recent post: Raspberries!

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