Jay was sentenced on Monday. The judge sentenced him to “no more than” 30 years in prison, with a minimum mandatory sentence of 21 years.
As the local paper said, his son will be a young man by the time he gets out of prison.
But I’m trying not to think about that part right now. I’m trying not to borrow grief from 21 years into the future and focusing instead on right now.
Right now, my mom has to go to the county jail and collect his personal belongings.
Right now, I’m taking care of my nephew, who has no idea why we’re connected. Right now, a paper with his father’s picture on the front page lies on the table, and I keep wondering if I should show it to him to at least remind him what his dad looks like.
Right now, I’m choosing not to, because that’s probably not the image I want him to remember.
Right now, I’m wondering if I could have said something more – something different – to the judge and spared my brother a few more years.
Right now, I’m grateful for a husband who has waded into the grief with me. He’s voluntarily put himself in the pain’s way and picked up the slack when I’ve shut down or locked up.
Right now, I’m making my kids promise me that they’ll make better decisions when they’re older.
Right now, I’m updating my playlists on iTunes and scrolling through online classified ads, because that’s easier than working or thinking.
Right now, I’m worrying about my littlest brother, who has lost his best friend and isn’t talking to any of us about how that feels.
Right now, I’m looking at the people around me and wondering if they can tell that my brother is on his way to prison. Can they see that something is broken inside me? In us?
Right now I’m wondering how many of those same people are walking around with their own broken parts. It’s impossible to tell; we all look so normal.
Right now, I’m resisting the urge to run from all these feelings.
No, I’m not borrowing sorrow from the future or dwelling on the past, but being in this moment isn’t so hot, either. Right now is hard and sad. The only way I’m finding the strength to stay here, to stay in this grief-filled place, is to hold tight to my faith in four words:
This, too, shall pass.
Somehow.
I’m so sorry, Britt.
Britt, I’m so sorry to hear about any of this. I cannot imagine what I’d do in a similar circumstance but hope that I’d be as sensible & realistic as you are. This post is a wonderful example of that. You move on, in your own way, in your own time. Doing what you can to help others along the way. Again, I’m so sorry.
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Thinking of you and your brother (and that sweet little boy!)
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Hugs!
I am so sorry, Britt. I can only imagine how hard this is on all of you. It seems like you are handling it with grace and I am in awe that you’re able to think of others: “I’m wondering how many of those same people are walking around with their own broken parts.” You’re so right, we all look normal.
Amanda’s most recent post: I don’t want to own anything…
I’m so sorry Britt. I wish there was something I could do to ease your emotional burden. To borrow grief from the future. I had never heard that, but what a resonant phrase.
Sending support, love, and hugs from our family to yours.
My heart is with you and your family. Hang in there.
Jill of All Trades’s most recent post: Wordless Wednesday
Life, as it turns out for most of us, is one. bumpy. road.
As quick as we make our way past one, the next one looms ahead.
The only things that keep us on the road are Love, Kindness and Understanding – from whomever. Friends. Family. Lovers. Children. Strangers. Wherever we can find them, whomever we can find to supply them, Love, Kindness and Understanding are like crack for the soul. You’ll find them here, among us.
lceel’s most recent post: Full
I wanted you to know that this touched me so, so much yesterday.
Miss Britt’s most recent post: Getting Through Right Now
Love you, sweetie. Hang in there.
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I love you, and I’m thinking of you and your Mama.
Lisa’s most recent post: That’s Not How I Want My Story to End
You do what you can. Being there for your Mom, your brother and your nephew.
Stay in touch with Jay so he’ll remember there are people who care about him.
Take care of you, too.
I’m sorry. Sending you hugs.
Hugs and love.
One day at a time, Britt. <3
I think it's a good call to not show your nephew the photo of your brother in the newspaper. But definitely keep talking about your brother to your nephew and show him other photos.
Please know that RIGHT NOW you have a community of friends whose hearts are with you and your family and your brother too. It will pass…and until then just keeping living in the “right now” and allow all of us to support you with our good thoughts and prayers.
Carrie Monroe O’Keefe’s most recent post: It’s. Beginning. To. Feel. A. Lot. Like. Christmas.
I’m so sorry for your pain. Love, prayers, and light are continuously being sent your way. Thank you for the love and grace you continue to show your brother. A beautiful example.
And what an amazing husband – brings tears to my eyes.
Jenny’s most recent post: In Memory of Andrea
That sucks so bad. I’m so sorry.
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Thank you for the reminder not to borrow tomorrow’s grief because, when I do, I may miss our on today’s joys and laughter. Even in that horrible court room, there were funny things.
Sending you all love and strength.
Tara R.’s most recent post: Crisis of conscience
I expect to know this feeling sometime when my younger brother kills someone while driving under the influence one day.
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Man I hope not.
The difference is, we didn’t see this coming at all. When he was arrested and someone told my mom what for, she called me laughing because she thought it was the most bizarre mix up she’d ever heard of. She thought it was going to be a funny story we told at holidays.
Miss Britt’s most recent post: Getting Through Right Now
So sorry to hear this. ((HUGS))
martymankins’s most recent post: Music Monday: Cloudless
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
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I am so sorry you and your family are having to go through this. Blessings for peace and comfort for your grief in this time. I am glad you have your husband has been with you. Your family will be in our thoughts.
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Britt,
I appreciate your raw honesty here. However, it is up to me and Jay to inform Jude of what is going on. I thank Jesus that he is just under two and that these events have not affected how happy and adjusted he is. He has a good life and will continue to, even when he learns about Jay.
Bre’s most recent post: Jude
I’m so sorry to hear about the sentencing. I’ve been thinking about you and your brother recently. Virtual hugs to you.
Starr @ The Kiefer Cottage’s most recent post: July, the most wonderful time of the year (and Giveaway)
I’m sorry for your family’s pain… You are so smart to focus on the ‘right now’ and take small steps.