I saw this quote on Pinterest some time ago and it struck a nerve. Not a “yeah, that’s right!” nerve, but an “Oh, shit. I don’t do that and I should” nerve.
A few days letter I read a post by Kim at MissZoot.com. She was talking about the unequal distribution of attention given to ‘haters’ compared to supporters.
From her post:
“…when you take a moment to address a hater? It hurts my feelings because they don’t deserve your attention. They’ve done nothing to earn a response from you. Especially not compared to your fans which I’m certain are in greater quantities than your detractors.”
That same nerve hummed.
As I said in Kim’s comments, this is something I’m guilty of in real life even more so than online. My mom cheers me on relentlessly, and I’m sad that my grandparents don’t seem to approve of me. My girlfriends tell me I’m brilliant, and I wonder why a practical stranger doesn’t “get” me. My husband thinks I’m beautiful and sexy, and I worry that I don’t fit some imaginary definition of attractiveness.
Why do we do this?
Why do I do this?
Why do I so quickly dismiss those who love me fiercely and chase after recognition from others who are reluctant to give it? How hurtful that must be to those who stand by me, to those who’ve earned not only attention, but to have their opinion valued.
I don’t want to repay love and encouragement with disbelief.
I don’t want to send the message that the character of those who have believed in me is questionable.
I want to honor those who love me by accepting that they are right about me, by acknowledging that what they say about me matters.
So, yes, I am beautiful, because my husband says so, and what he says matters to me. I am brilliant and brave and talented, because Faiqa and my Mom believe it to be true, and they are two of the most brilliant, brave, and talented women I know. And I am lovable and worthy of all good things, because Becky and Megan and Lisa know a thing or two about loveable people and they have chosen to love me.
I’ll keep listening to their words — keep repeating them until they ring true — because the people who love me have earned the right to be heard. I owe them that.
I owe myself that.
What do the people who love you say about you?
Thanks for the great reminder. It's crazy how it takes 10 positive things for us to recover from 1 negative thought. That's another struggle in marriage- that it's so much easier to believe 1 bad thing or focus on 1 wrong instead of the 10 good things.
Amen to that last sentence!
When this showed up in my feed reader the first thing I saw was that image and those words and I thought: YES. This is what I was trying to say with that entry I wrote last week. And then you went and mentioned that entry
I've been working managing volunteers a lot lately and it gets frustrating because some people are just…well…dicks. And I felt myself constantly wanting to talk about those people and how they annoy me but then it him me: Why talk about them? Why not talk about how AWESOME the other volunteers are because – really – they deserve the attention. And instead of going home and talking to my husband about the people who think I'm doing a crappy job, I hung up my Thank You cards on the fridge. THOSE people, the ones that shared their positive words with me, they deserve a place in the spotlight in my home, not those people who gave me negative words.So…yes. Something that plays out in the blogging world AND in the real world. We only have limited energy to expend, why waste it on those that don't deserve it?
I think it's that we all feel the need to be accepted, especially women. We're taught to be pleasers and when we don't please we take it personally. Also, we probably tend to hear those things that speak to our own insecurities.I don't think it's possible to be completely immune to the haters, but I think you have absolutely the right idea. Focus on the love, on the positivity. I imagine there are far more of those people to focus on than those that actively dislike you.Love you!
Couldn't agree more. A great reminder for both home life and the workplace. I have also heard a similar question raised, "Why are we so nice, attentive, and polite to strangers, but often don't pay the same respect to those we love?"
I'll never forget how I hurt my mom's feelings doing this. She had spent a bunch of time and money planning a party for me that she really couldn't afford, and when she asked me later how I liked it I told her I wished my dad had come. She was crushed. I didn't realize what I had done until later because I was 16 and self centered as hell, but I haven't forgotten it to this day. I love Zoot's comment. We should celebrate the victories instead of focusing on the things that didn't go right. I need to do that more too.
I’m testing the reply function on your comment.
i just read the post you associated with my name and got all teary eyed. love you, man! so looking forward to our next adventure!but back to the topic at hand. when i was in middle or high school someone said something that bothered me and i told my mom about it. i don't remember the who or the what, but i remember my mom telling me that the person's comment was a reflection of their own insecurity. that every negative comment always goes back to reflect on the speaker. she was so very right, which is how i find it easy to believe the nice stuff (it goes back to what the love about themselves). for me it takes too much damn energy to believe the bullshit people spew because i would have to figure out what jacked up the hater and i am not a shrink.
i'm touched in the head. sigh. my comment really didn't address why we dismiss those we love. probably because i have no clue! always baffles me!xoxo
This is a very interesting topic, and I liked your response to it. Well said.
A post everyone needs to hear. It must be part of human nature. Regardless something to be aware of so that it does not waste any precious time. Really appreciated your words today. Will be saving this for a favourites across blog land post I will do on the weekend.Dana
This is awesome, and a great reminder and an awakening. The people who love us the most are right here in front of us.
I'm so glad you finally accepted how I'm so right about you. I love you.
With rare exceptions, I really think those that say nice things about me are simply just being nice and/or want something from me. Most of the people I deal with in life always ask me to do things for them (mostly fix their computer) and they always say how nice it was that I did something for them. And for me, the rare times I enjoy doing that for others, the nice accolades are mutual.My wife is one person who I know is sincere when she says nice things to others about me.
They say I should write/blog more (like I used to)!