30 Days of Truth, Day 6 – Something you hope you never have to do
I know that people survive it. I don’t know how, but they do. They get out of bed most mornings and they put their clothes on and they go back to work. They laugh again, even. They are proof that life moves on no matter what and that human beings really and truly can survive anything.
But God, I beg you, do not let me become a testament to the power of our ability to survive the loss of our children.
I know it’s not fair to ask. I know that no parent deserves to be spared more or less than another. I know. But I beg you anyway. Please God let me not outlive Devin or Emma.
But also, Lord, let them not lose me too soon either.
I know, I know, I ask too much. But almost as painful as the idea of losing them is the idea of leaving them when they are still too young. Their grief, their loneliness, their not knowing how much they are loved by me – that fear is only a shade smaller than my fear of outliving them. They need to know how much they are loved. No one would ever be able to tell them with words how much they are a part of every cell in my body, every beat of my heart. I need to be able to press my heart against theirs, to wrap my arms around them, so that they can feel what they are too little to understand.
Let the fates not be tempted by me voicing my fears.
Let me be more blessed than I deserve to be and not miss my children growing up.
Dear God, please.