What a difference a week makes.
Last weekend I was at parenting rock bottom. At least, it felt like rock bottom at the time, except that term suggests a one time hit before climbing your way back up. But parenting isn’t like that, is it? Parenting is an ongoing journey with peaks and valleys and rolling hills that make your stomach lurch, sometimes from fear and sometimes from mind-blowing joy. Last week was one of those valleys that makes you forget about the fluid nature of a journey; I was convinced this was the endgame and I had lost.
And then a few people took the time to email me and tell me what 10 and 11 and this age for boys is often like. Some of the emails were from the perspective of having boys of this age in their homes right now, some from the perspective of having those memories fresh. Others were from the perspective of having been boys of that age. They all had one thing in common: perspective I needed.
The village I’m raising my children in right now is largely made up of people without children or people with children who are Emma’s age or younger. This is, I think, one of the consequences no one tells you about of having babies when you’re barely old enough to vote. You will have to do everything first. And here’s the thing about all of the parents around me being parents of children who are Emma’s age or younger:
It’s no coincidence that we decided to have a second child when Devin was about that age.
Children who are 3,4 and 5 years old are freaking adorable. They are constantly coming up with new ways to express their love for you, and the ways they mimic adults are not yet rude or sarcastic or disrespectful. When a 5 year old girl says, “I am making chocolate milk, Mommy” with an air of duh - it’s cute. When a 10 year old boy says it? The air of duh has graduated to full on you’re an idiot and cute has long ago fallen by the wayside.
The force with which a 3, 4 or 5 year old child can push a boundary is downright laughable compared to what a boy twice more than twice that age will apply to untested limits.
But I forget that. It’s not what I see on a regular basis. It’s not the perspective I use when trying to figure out if I’m a complete and total failure as a parent. But with a little help from the Internet, I took a stepped back and remembered all the times in recent memory that I had seen Devin among his peers. I compared, as best I could, apples to apples, and was relieved to find that mine was not, in fact, riddle with the worms of my incompetence.
(Truth be told, the kid’s a shining State Fair Blue Ribbon winner in most barrels.)
That being said, I certainly don’t want to parent my child by comparing him to other individuals – but I was doing it to an extent anyway. At least making fair comparisons gave me a more accurate picture of what, exactly, has been going on.
And what has been going on?
He’s 10, basically. Quickly rounding the bend to 11, even. And he’s spent the last couple of months with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, instead of parents who will ground his ass for getting out of line. And so his mouth and his attitude were running amok, basically, with complete disregard for any boundaries of common freaking sense.
And then Mom and Dad had the come to Jesus meltdown.
Moms and dads, you know the one.
And, completely by coincidence, we shut the cable off at about the same time.
And, the Internet reminded me that I wasn’t abnormally bad at this.
And boy… what a difference a week makes.
I’ve had many parenting rock bottom moments. And fortunately, there’s always someone around to tell me that it’s the kids’ age. Personally, I couldn’t live through the 3-4-5′s stage again, but we’ll see what the teens bring.
I almost wanted to write something about how he just returned from Spoilville (the grandparents’ house) in the last post you had about this, because I know that place all too well. Every time my kid spends time with my parents (who literally call her “the princess” and cater to her every whim), she comes home and it’s like a deprogramming around here. I try to let things slide, but eventually, we reach the meltdown/ smackdown phase, too.
If we didn’t have cable – oh holy hell.
I’m so glad you worked through this. Boo turns 10 in four years and four months. I’ve got about six and a half before Doodle gets there. I’ll be calling you when I’m ready to send her to the nunnery and him to military school.
He still looks like such a little boy.
I’m really scared to have two male tweens eventually.
It always amazes me the things the Internet is good for.
We’ve been experiencing a series of meltdowns this week with the first week of private middle school. My smart but lazy child is not pleased with homework in the no-FCAT zone. He needed to be shown the light.
Oh yes – the C.T.J. meltdown… my favorite!
We’ve had 11 weeks off from school (ended early in India – starting late in So Cal), so my girls are on FIRE right now. Major parenting issues (solo for the year). Major mommy meltdowns as I deal with what I’ve been feeling are issues far out of my control.
My saving grace is that I’m finally seeing siblings interact in the same ways as my girls … which at least just mean that I need to deal with them in a different manner to have them respect my words. As well as each others.
I’m glad you’re feeling better about this! It’s a hard time to go through, but so worth it when my now 19 year old texts “I love you mom” to me.
Now, has anyone told you that when they turn 14 their appetite turns on and you literally can’t fill them up? Because no one told me and I couldn’t believe whole loaves of bread in one day and you might want to start a food savings account right now.
I had said to Dylan (age 11.5 right now) for the last couple of years or so that I remember what it’s like to be that age. Too young for a lot of the things they want to do with their friends, too old for the baby-ish stuff. I told him I remember being 11 and how I wanted to be able to snuggle with my mom but felt awkward about it. Then I told him I’ll snuggle him and hug him and kiss him as long as he will let me. As long as I don’t do that in front of his buddies, he says.
And Lisa? Dylan’s appetite has already started that way. We go through 8 litres of milk every 3-4 days! (course we all drink it, but still)
Good luck Britt – I know you well enough to know you will navigate these years so very well. Especially since you are so approachable and you strive to keep communication lines open in your family.
Wow, he looks so big and old on that horse. It’s crazy.
I’m glad that you don’t feel like a failure anymore.
I am dealing with this in my 7 year old boy. The valley is dark and deep and I feel like I am climbing in place, but we climb up over and over again because that’s just what parents do.
Peaks and valleys? Nah, more like peaks and sinkholes. With a lot of quicksand in between. And the occasional pretty pond or ice cream truck. And lots of good grass that means nothing til you hit the desert. But usually, you stumble across the grapes and that’s when you make wine and toast to the fact that you’re still plodding forward
I was a single mom when my oldest was 10, and I ended up sending him to live with his dad for two reasons. The main one was the schools were superior, but a big part of it was that he seriously thought he could talk to me any way he wanted to, and it was meltdown time way too often at our house. He needed to be with his father for a while, and it changed our relationship for the better.
I think that this is an age where boys need their dads more than ever, to correct them and teach them and not let them get away with things like mouthing off constantly to mom. Respect is important, I know a good majority of kids talk to their parents like they’re idiots these days, but we really shouldn’t allow it. It should have consequences that sting so they learn that respecting your parents is what you do.
Hope the come to Jesus meeting helped, it sounds like it did. Raising kids is HARD. Worth it, but damn hard.
My kids are headed to Spoilville on Wednesday and I am not looking forward to the retributions it will produce. Luckily, however, my parents have been constantly reminded of *our* family rules and regulations and the fact that they will be expected to be enforced (within reason).
I am fortunate that my 9 year old hasn’t reached the spot your son is at yet. I’ve got enough stress to have to deal with it, and I can only imagine for you and all you have going on it’s been rough to try and not go nuts.
I think having doubts about your parenting ability is a good thing, personally. It helps to ensure you do care about what’s going on with your kids, and your parenting techniques. Like I said before, it’s great that you do care at all, because we all know there’s a ton of people out there who don’t and truly suck at the parenting game.
So glad to read this.
Your children love you, you put food in their clothed bellies and a roof to do so under. Failures don’t do those things and in return their children do not love them as those kids love and adore you.
Also, lemmie know if you ever need anything with him. I still have toys that were mine at his age in my garage. Only he can’t play with them.
My son is 11 and I swear sometimes that I gave birth to an alien. I don’t have brothers. I don’t have friends with boys his age. I am flying blind into the pit of male tweendom and I don’t have a map. I spend a lot of time asking my husband, “Is this normal?” I love my son, but, wow, I need a tutorial in tween boy behavior.
Glad to read!
(know though that there will be more days like that! there will be some really crappy moments and some amazing moments — I’ve only gotten halfway through Fifteen … and we are all still alive!)
so glad to hear he’s back to the kid you remembered.
Isn’t it amazing how they can be driving you to the brink and then the next day, poof- back to pleasant. Completely.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there to offer words of support. I’m glad he’s back though!
When I was 10, I probably would’ve set fire to the horse’s tail and then tossed crusted turds at you, so, it looks like you’re doing great from where I’m sittin’!
Every age (and sex) has it’s challenges. My oldest son is 19, my daughter 14, and my youngest son is 11, (yes, the same father), and believe me, doing menopause and puberty in the same house is like purgatory – sometimes we’re more likely to end up in heaven sometimes hell, but hey, as you said, life is fluid and I’m still trying to learn to go with the flow. From my perspective, you’re an awesome parent!!!
This is SuvvyGirl, I am assuming my secret agent name and blog now :p
It is always nice to be reminded that your child is within the “normal” range when it comes to behaviors. I know I experience such a sigh of relief with my 9 year old when I hear about other parents having the same problems. It’s great to remember that the world will not end with a few bad moments.
I swear to you we all go through it. We put the xbox in a box in my closet for quite a few months during that year. And since then it’s hit that floor a few other times. It’s not all a bad thing, whatever gets their attention.
How much do you REALLY love that xbox!?!?! is my standard line.
I think you’re an incredible mom because you wrote this post. I hit rock bottom all. the. time. And my boys are so young, my oldest just turned 5, my baby is 2.5. And they test me everyday. Sure, they’re adorabe and sweet and do things that make me melt, but they also yell, fight, scream… they hardly listen to me. They say bad words sometimes, and the MESS they make! It’s TOUGH being a mom, that’s for sure. And I’m scared of what’s to come. What is 12 years old is so hard I don’t know how to handle it? I guess we just keep on going and doing the best we know how. Asking friends for advice, reading about how to handle the different age groups, that’ll help too, I’m sure. Anyway. Great post!