No Tears For V-Day

God willing, forever four.

I remember reading about women who were heartbroken to say good-bye to their reproductive years.  They wrote moving prose about how their husbands’ vasectomies marked the end of an era, how a small part of them grieved for the passing of that fertile time.

I am not one of those women.

The only things I’m grieving are my weekend plans, since my husband has informed me that he will need to be “laying on the couch for at least two days”.

Granted, I’m not the one being sterilized this afternoon (which is, I need to point out again, different from actual castration, Jared).  I do have some sympathy for my husband in that regard, although he doesn’t seem to be at all concerned with becoming infertile, but maybe that’s just because he’s distracted by the idea of “HAVING MY PENIS CUT, BRITT!” (and, no, that’s not actually how it works, Jared).  In any case, I recognize that having your husband get a vasectomy is entirely different than actually getting a vasectomy.

But still.  As a couple, this is a commitment we make together to be finally and officially done with making babies.

Thank you, Jesus!

I keep waiting for a twinge of what these other women have talked about.  I even remember my own mother’s sadness when she had her tubes tied after my youngest brother was born, but I don’t feel even a trace of that remorse.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  The only thing I feel is relief and excitement and anticipation about moving out of the potential baby making phase and into the next phase of our life.  The official raising rather than having children phase.

It’s not that I don’t love my children.  I adore them both.  I physically ache for them when they are away from me for more than a day.  Last night as I stared into the darkness looking for a sign of regret about the upcoming vasectomy, all I could see was an overwhelming longing for the crowding of my daughter in my bed and the never-ending chatter of my son that is supposed to fill my home.  As a person who never fantasized about having children when I was one myself, I am often caught off guard by how much being a mother means to me.

No, not being a mother.

Being their mother.

I’m not sure I have that seemingly universal gene that screams to produce offspring.  I love squeezing other people’s babies and I delight in watching my friend’s children and my own nieces and nephews.  But naturally maternal I am not.

But loving my children, loving these two people specifically, is the single greatest joy of my life.  It fills me up in a way that no quiet yearning for unborn children ever could.

And with them, I am full.

I get the sense that I have met my children.  Both of them.  All of them. I feel like the four of us, me and Jared and Devin and Emma, create this perfectly balanced unit, a circle that is eternal and complete.

So I don’t know if it’s a sign of my meager maternal mojo or what, but I’m not bidding a tearful farewell to our fertility today.  I’m excited to be free of that tiny voice that constantly reminds me I could still get pregnant if I’m not “careful”.

And I’m grateful to my husband, for taking this one for the team.

Thanks, baby. ;-)

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  1. Deb says:

    I think it is fantastic that Jared is doing this. I think it is even more fantastic that you realize that you have all that you want with your kids and that you aren’t sad about it, I think being ad about means there is doubt and you should never do anything that you have doubt about right?

  2. muskrat says:

    This post is premature!

  3. Robin says:

    First I must say, love that shot!

    Second, my husband and I have talked about having him snipped and he’s totally fine with it. He has a daughter and we’re still pretty sure we don’t want any of our own. It’s a big step though, we’ll be considering in the next year or 2 when the 5 years of my IUD is up. We will see…I’m sure many blog posts will come out of it.

  4. Hockeymandad says:

    Go easy on him this weekend. The feeling is best described as though you were kicked really hard in the nuts and it lasts for a couple days. The pain killers help, as would a frozen bag of peas. I think there’s a pun in that suggestion. Also, sweat pants. Gotta do sweat pants or any pants that are not constrictive on the now defunct buttermilk factories.

    Welcome to the club Jared. *fist bump*

  5. V-day was a day of celebration in my house nearly 6 years ago…It’s scary to think you are done with the reproductive part of your life, but at the same time….the sex is so good! Once the pain goes away, you and Jared will have awesome benefits! ;-)

    BTW, yes 2 days of pain for Jared is going to be about right…let him anguish and whine while you tend to him and his boys…and constantly remind him how many hours of labor you went through to push the kids out of your vajayjay….he can suck it up! (and if you had a c-section, still remind him you carried another life in you for 9 months, so he can shut the hell up! heh)

    Also? Tell him to resist the urge, when they are down there and the smoke starts rising to say the following: “I knew it was smokin’ down there, but this is a whole ‘nother level of hotness!” When Misk said that during his surgery, I thought his nurse was gonna slap him! LMAO

  6. Lisa says:

    I have never felt the drive that a lot of women feel that tells them they need to have babies *now*. Maybe it’s because I had Nick at 23 and it didn’t have a chance to kick in, but even after I had him I never wanted more. I love the hell out of my kid and I think I’m a good mom, but one is enough for me.

    I was happy when hubs took the plunge for the snipsnip because it took away a lot of anxiety for both of us. Wishing Jared a speedy recovery!

  7. Mr Lady says:

    I realized after Josh was done that I had met my children, too. I totally get what you’re saying.

    I also realized that I am in no way done with children, just making them. And so we lay plans for fostering, someday in the future.

    But, yep, SO DONE making them.

    Now go buy that man some frozen peas.

  8. Mr Lady says:

    PS: I think this is the post you were looking for.

  9. Kristin says:

    Vasectomies aside, that’s an AWESOME family photo. I prefer candid, spur of the moment shots and that one? Is terrific. Blow it up and frame it.

    Oh, and you are driving him to the Big V in the Camero, right? And blogging about it, right? Heh.

  10. Brittany says:

    Listen. He’s having his reproductive organs handled by complete strangers and hacked to bits, there is NO WAY we could possibly relate to such a violating and painful experience.

    Ahem.

    But yes, I was sad. Now I realize it was more because I equated it to aging. Like, i was part the reproductive stage in my life and OMG NOW WHAT?

    Now, as I prep for potty training, I can tell you, without a doubt, ZERO REGRET.

    You will LOVE the results and you have two criminally gorgeous children.

    Totally worth it!

  11. itgotweird says:

    Just go in after doing some good research. For me the tears came after and because of Vasectomy in bucket loads.

  12. Claire was 3 weeks old when Patrick had his snip.

    We made DAMN SURE we were done. I’ve never once had the twinge of wanting more. Ever. We have our 2 perfect girls. We can’t do better.

  13. I wish I could be in that “sure” category with you. I have two perfect, smart, funny, rowdy boys. I feel no need to HAVE to have a girl. But to so definitely put an end to the possibility of another sweet little baby head to sniff? I’m just not ready for that yet. I know another baby would make me homicidal right now, but I’m just not ready.

  14. Finn says:

    Totally worth it. Quite possibly the best thing Mister ever did for me, for several reasons.

    Hey, think of the money you save on contraception and what you could do with it… shopping! After a respectful mourning period for Jared’s violation, of course.

  15. kakaty says:

    This is exactly how I felt when my husband got the v last month when MAD was about 8 weeks old. It I have no regrets. Neither does he.

    And 2 days? whatever…give him 24 hours and some tylenol.

  16. steph2088 says:

    I have to be honest…I only love my children….others, not so much. I’m from a big family and will forever appreciate having my siblings and thought for a long time I would have a big family. I am stretched to the limit with the two, beautiful, healthy boys I have and have NO desire to have more. My friends children simply don’t tug on my heart strings and I feel badly saying that but I can’t help what I feel. I would go to the end of the earth for my boys so I’m not heartless but I recognize the limit I have and I’m happy that the chapter is closed. I was sad when my husband closed the chapter but only because I thought I should be. In the end, it was the GREATEST thing for our relationship. Moving forward and enjoying the freedom of knowing that our focus is not growing our family but enhancing it.

  17. Faiqa says:

    Being maternal doesn’t necessarily rest on making babies, right? You’re very maternal, in all the ways that count the most. Wishing Jared a perfect procedure and recovery.

  18. Chrissi says:

    I read this and have regrets. We made a decision to have my husband have a vasectomy and within months our youngest was diagnosed with cancer..

    BIG REGRET..

    We wish we would not have – but that’s just us..

  19. patois says:

    He’s the best team player ever!

  20. Becca says:

    I hope Jared has an easy time of it!! I may not be maternal about other kidlets, but I still wish almost monthly that I could have another. It’s a good thing we’re all different, eh??

  21. Really, how are you in my brain?? Soooo many times I’m mulling over some thought that’s been kicking around in my brain for a couple of days and then poof – it’s on your blog! So weird… Happy V-day though!

  22. Mamie says:

    Just stopped in for the 1st time and I love that it was on the v post. My husband and I were just talking about it last night… Me::: when? Him:: soon but they are going to cut my penis…. What Is up with the cutting fear? I told him it will be fine, they cut me open to retrieve our twins and I am okay.

    They are 3 now and I know I am done. And I feel so similar about the being done. They are my people and they are quite enough.

    I’ll have to check back after the weekend to see how your hubs is doing. Hope he ( and you) are doing well.

  23. Hi. Hope Jared’s balls aren’t hurting today. Although I do think you should wait until tomorrow before kissing them to make them all better…

  24. Hooray for all of you! It truly *is* a new stage of life for everyone.

    I had my tubes tied about 7 years ago when I was 37 and it was the best thing I ever did. I did NOT want to me *that* mom who gets a “surprise” in her 40′s, nope no how!

    Besides….Recreation Only Models totally rock :))))))

    Best wishes to you all (and great pic!)

  25. Kelley says:

    Heh. My husband went out grocery shopping 2 hours after his. AND he assisted the nurse during the snip.

    Like totally HARDCORE BABY!

    But give the man a cold and he needs to take to his bed for a week.

    Hope Jared survived without too much whining. ;)

  26. Tonz says:

    Two thoughts that came to mind when I read this….
    this bit created the best image …….he’s distracted by the idea of “HAVING MY PENIS CUT, BRITT!”…I laughed out loud at this.

    And that you felt like you had met your children…something about this bit is just so beautiful.

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