I am a person who believes in forgiveness.
That belief defines me. It gives me hope and faith and strength. It tells me how to look at the world and what to do with my anger. It brings me peace when nothing else can.
I am a person who believes in forgiveness.
Last summer, when I man I respected died, I vowed to honor him by extending forgiveness to people who had hurt me in the past.
I said…
“Today, I forgive the stepfather who abandoned my brothers, abused my mother, and robbed me of pieces of my childhood with his violence and addiction. I don’t have the strength to shower him with love, but I can find the power to let go of the anger.”
And I meant it. I believed it. And I really, really thought I had forgiven a man I once hated.
And then, today, I had to listen to someone praise that same man. I listened as someone suggested he was capable, now, of being a decent human being. Worse, I heard someone call him a good father. Worse still, I listened to someone imply that he was somehow better than my mother – the woman I watched cower in a corner with her hands above her head, trying to deflect his blows, the woman who stood in his place when he was “absent”.
Forgiveness vanished from my heart as quickly as the breath escaped my lungs.
And in its place came a hot, fiery rage that I have not known in years.
I remembered the hand shaped welt on the thigh of a five year old.
I remembered standing in a puddle of my own urine, stinking and ashamed that I hadn’t been able to control myself better during a spanking.
I remembered screaming at my mother “Shut up! Shut up! Mom! Just shut up!”, desperate to protect her from the inevitable punishment for “her mouth”.
I remembered the look of disgrace on the faces of two young boys who had done nothing wrong except bear the same last name as someone in the local paper. “Is that your dad?” their friends would ask, and the two boys would come home and cry when they thought no one could see.
I remembered the rolled up newspaper wrapped in black electric tape that my dog, my mother and I would all come to fear equally.
The last time I saw him, he called me “Britter”. “Heyyyy, Britter,” he said, in the sickly sweet drawl of a con man whose brain has been permanently damaged from drugs. I told my husband that day that the only thing left in my heart for him was pity. I was so sure the hate had long since passed away with years and distance and the love and support of good people.
But I was wrong.
That hate, I learned today, still lives deep inside me. It has been buried underneath my most shameful memories, in my most vulnerable places. It lies beside the place where I first learned I wasn’t good enough. It sits with the realization that only a truly broken person would be unworthy of a parent’s love.
I hate him.
I hate everything in me that he broke. I hate that, decades later, the memory of the sound of his voice makes me weep. I hate the way he ripped apart my mother. Do you know what it is to watch your mother cower in a corner? It’s horrible. It’s beyond horrible. It’s inhuman.
You do not get to defile one child and call yourself a father to another.
You do not get to make one child feel guilty because they, for some reason, are spared your wrath, while you make them sit and watch you torture the women that child loves – all the while claiming that you know what it is to love.
I hate him.
It scares me how much I hate him. The rage that washed over me today was unlike anything I have ever known. “I’m scared for you,” Jared said when he heard me on the phone – and I have to admit, I’m scared for me, too.
Because I believe in forgiveness.
And yet, as someone pointed out to me today, I am “slow to forgiveness”. Twenty years, I suppose, would be considered slow by any standard.
I try to see the other side. I try to imagine that it makes sense for someone to say that now he’s making up for the pain he caused in the past. I try to hold on to the belief that all of us have a human side, a side worth loving and forgiving. I try.
But I can’t. I just… can’t. As much as I believe in the power of forgiveness, that man remains, for me, unforgivable.
Oh, Britt, it just makes my heart break to think of you and your mom and brothers living through that. Some things should not be forgiven. And this is definitely one of them.
He sounds like a true fucker.
And there’s no law saying you have to forgive him. I get the want and the need to try and forgive, but some people truly don’t deserve it. They deserve pity, at best.
Seriously, Britt, I do NOT believe in forgiveness. At all, after a certain point. I think forgiveness is the bandaid we try to put on our wounds because someone tells us it’ll make them better.
You know what bandaids do? THEY TRAP THE DIRT IN.
Fuck forgiveness, let your anger get some fresh air. Then it might start to heal.
What she said.
@Mr Lady, Agreed! There’s a time and place for forgiveness. This is not one of them.
@Mr Lady, Agreed. Some things just cannot be forgiven. It angers me, Britt, that you had to endure these things.
@Mr Lady, I’m jumping on this bandwagon. God dammit. I’m so sorry this is your story. I wish it were no one’s.
wow… i have chills right now because this post resonates with me so deeply. there are times that i have truly thought to myself, maybe convinced myself even, that i had forgiven (in this case, my rapist). and then the it’s like it trickles back, something triggers that rage to return, and what i once considered to be such progress now feels like total regression.
i suppose that’s why people say they can forgive but never forget?
i’m sorry.
Oh hun. You just hit every single nerve. I had no brothers or sisters but it is a very similar story of pain that I share with you. I have tried to forgive as well, but haven’t gotten there yet and I just turned 53. My “dad” (not even step) died last January and I still cannot cry for him. I can’t tell you (well, you probably already understand) how hard it was to listen to the rest of the family members… his sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews, who spoke of what a good guy he was. I even had a cousin who happens to be a minister try and tell me to ‘focus on the good’. Fuck that. I don’t remember any good… at least not directed at me.
Sorry for the foul language… feel free to delete if you’d like.
{{{hugs}}}
Delurking…
I think that, right now, the person you need to forgive is yourself, for thinking you’re not strong enough to forgive him. You wanted to forgive him. You tried. And you still believe in it. That’s enough. That counts.
I agree with avitable: Some things should not be forgiven.
Men like that fill me with disgust. I’m sorry that you suffered. You have grown into quite a wonderful person in spite of his efforts to break you.
No one ever said that you ‘have to’ forgive.
Triggers…I hate them. I don’t blame you for hating.
They say that forgiveness is for the person forgiving not for the one that needs to be forgiven. My mind gets that, my heart sure doesn’t.
I don’t think I could forgive any of that.
I know where you’re coming from. I’ve been there myself. I don’t know if the things we experienced were the same or some horribly similar hell, but I do know how you feel. The only thing I can say is that I see things differently, if only slightly.
I have the very unpopular view that those who behave that way, while completely in control of their own behavior, do so because that’s what they learned. I don’t excuse it, I simply pity and pray for them. Because watching that kind of behavior can make a person grow up all sorts of fucked up.
You and I choose to fight it with therapy and faith, choosing every day to love and believe in people, choke down the emotions that would boil over and imitate what once was daily life. Not everyone is that strong. Not everyone fights. Some just give in to it because…well, I don’t know why. I’m sorry you had to live with someone who didn’t fight it. And I’m glad you choose to find another way to live for your family, and for yourself. Many hugs to you!
I think mr. Lady is spot on. Screw forgiveness. People who abuse children and women don’t deserve it. Bottom line. Let your anger out, scream it from the rooftops. You need to heal. I am so sorry this happened to your family.
As the others above me have said, some people just don’t deserve forgiveness, and some actions simply aren’t forgivable. My grandmother abused my mother – mentally, physically, emotionally – until Mom finally cut all ties when she turned 40; she’s also messed with us kids mentally/emotionally. I don’t give a rat’s ass what she did to me, but I’ll NEVER forgive her for what she did to my mom and my siblings: I’m physically incapable of absolving that woman of any more guilt.
*hugs & love to you all*
Britt,
Forgiveness is more for the forgiver than for the forgivee (Did I spell that right?).
I “forgave” my aunt, the woman who made my life miserable simply because I existed. My aunt hated me because my mom was able to conceive and she could not. Since she couldn’t be jealous of my mom’s ovaries, she treated me like shit. And when she was on her deathbed, I “forgave” her, because it was the right thing to do, because in her passing, it gave both of us a bit of peace. Was she a bitter woman when she died? Yes. Are there still bad feelings inside me and questions that are unanswered? Yes. If she walked through my front door today, would I welcome her with open arms? Hell no. I would probably tell her to get the fuck out.
She is forgiven so that I can quit feeling guilty over my emotions about her. She would never be my friend or my aunt. I still wonder and still hate what she did, and to completely get rid of those emotions will take many, many years. Probably a lifetime.
For me, to forgive was to let go and realize I couldn’t change her or how I feel about her, so I’m done worrying about it. For me, forgiveness was letting the emotions wash over me and through me without feeling guilt over said emotions.
So forgive him. And forgive yourself. But still consider him a worthless fuck and rail against the horrible things he did. Just because you forgive him doesn’t mean he’s invited to Thanksgiving or that you love him or even tolerate him.
I love you, hon.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, I completely agree.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, I’m not saying it’s easy, but I still think it’s a valid goal to do as Heather recommends above. I wouldn’t try to “forget” along with it, though (as the saying goes).
When I’m angry and bitter, I find that kicking a defenseless puppy is therapeutic.
Not everyone deserves forgiveness. It is okay not to forgive him. The things he did to you, to your mom, the things he put you all through are the kinds of things that make it okay not to forgive. You don’t need to forgive this man to remain a forgiving person.
I believe in forgiveness too, but only because I can’t carry that hate forever without getting sick. For me forgiveness is a selfish thing. I don’t believe everyone deserves forgiveness and there is nothing wrong hating someone who hurt you and those your love so brutally.
I, too, believe in forgiveness. And “they” tell us forgiveness is important for letting go, moving on, and healing ourselves.
But I also remember cowering. I remember being terrified to my absolute core, praying that someone – ANYONE – would hear and intervene. I remember being afraid I wasn’t going to survive.
But I did get out, and I did survive. I have never felt so angry, broken, devastated, sad, and terrified all at once… Eventually, the fear subsided. I moved, changed my job and any contact information, and cut him off completely from knowing how to find me. And the anger faded, too. I would tell friends that I didn’t wish him any ill will, that I just never wanted to see or hear from him again. Ever.
And then he tried to find me again, years later. And all of it came rushing back — the fear, the anger, the sense of not being able to control my safety. The memories — and the shame — about everything I put up with, everything I LET him do before I actually broke free. I was furious that the mere sight of his name as a “friend” request (how ridiculous, on so many levels!) could cause such a response, that he still had this much power over me.
And I don’t know about forgiveness anymore. I thought I had at least managed indifference, but I was wrong. I still have nightmares, and he still causes fear in me. And I don’t know if that’ll ever go away… I thought it had, but then there it was again, just as fresh as if it were just happening now. And because of that, because he can still cause me this much pain, I don’t think I can forgive him. Because he’s not done hurting me.
And I guess that’s just going to have to be okay.
But I want you to know that you’re not alone. None of us is superhuman. We do what we can, when we can. We try to be good people, to treat people well, and to do our best. But we can’t be perfect, and we have to forgive OURSELVES for that. And maybe that’s the most important forgiveness of all.
Take care of you. ::hug::
You don’t have to forgive him.
You don’t have to “get over it”.
I think it’s more or less something that, in my personal experience at least, you “get used to”.
Every day makes it a little bit easier to move on.
I’ve chosen to forgive and forget the people who have hurt me because that’s what’s best for me, emotionally. It has been easier for me to heal.
But I don’t think that you should feel like you have to.
Just because you believe in it doesn’t mean it’s the “right thing” to do or even that it’s possible for you.
Maybe one day it will be but for now, it’s not and that’s OKAY.
It’s okay to be a hypocrite. Seriously. I do it all the time
I’ve heard this story a handful of times in the years that we’ve been friends and it still makes me sick. And, Mr. Lady hit the nail on the head with this one!
Britt -
Coal Miners Granddaughter is right … “Forgiveness” is not for the other person, its for you! In order to control your life and live as an example to those you hold dear … you must learn to let go. Part of that “letting go” is forgiving those asses who hurt you. The act of forgiving is not to tell the other person “its ok what you did” … its to tell you … “its going to be ok!” .. You are the only person who controls your life – not this guy! Not now, never.
Life teaches – life opens your eyes. When you are able to look inside and say to yourself “I will not allow him to control me anymore” – that is when you will understand the feeling and freedom known as forgiveness.
What you have been through is hurtful and damaging and it will be part of who you are forever, but it will never define you – it is the foundation you build on to show the real you … the real person Britt is to the world, to Jared, your kids, friends, family! Those who love you back.
My heart aches for your post … but I know you will move on, living and loving and being a better person.
Much Love
Bill
The hardest thing to do is forgive someone who is not sorry for the pain they inflicted on you. If you cannot find forgiveness, I hope you can at least find peace in knowing that he’ll never, ever be able to hurt you or those you love ever again.
I am sorry you had to live with this. No one should have to go through this hell, most especially children. Forgiveness is a tricky thing. I thought I had forgiven my alcoholic father for the havoc he wreaked on my family until he drove drunk with my son in the car. Then it all came tumbling back and I lost my mind.
I don’t believe everyone deserves to be forgiven.
I believe that when you bury strong emotions, they come back up at some point in time.
If you can find a way to purge it out of your system, it no longer has the power to bring you to your knees.
Perfectly understandable to not be able to forgive someone for things like that. Really. And noble of you to have tried so hard.
<3
I’ve never been able to forgive…as least not so far. What has helped me feel empowered and able to move on, is knowing that I am who I am today because of everything that has happened in my past.
I am happy today, I have a wonderful family and if weren’t for what I endured as a child, I wouldn’t be the mother I am to my children.
Forgiveness is overrated. It’s all about embracing who you are, your strength, your compassion and everything else you’ve become because or regardless of, your past.
I do know what it is like to see one’s mother cower in the corner. It is not something that you can ever erase from your mind. I don’t know if I would have been able to forgive my stepfather either, but he took his life and I never had the opportunity to decide: his cowardice proven on yet another level.
I am so sorry that your history is still in your life. Your generous heart has all the right intentions, but not everyone is worthy of forgiveness.
Britt,
I struggle with the same thing. I try so hard to forgive, but sometimes it is so hard to get past the evil that was done. But I try.
Thanks for sharing this. It touched me.
~Kim
forgiving is very different from forgetting…and you will never forget.
i think whomever was on the other end of that phone should be damned glad you were in Florida today
forgive yourself Britt…you are allowed to dislike him, you are allowed to cringe at his voice, at the mention of his name…and you allowed to rebel when someone tries to say something you FOR. A. FACT. know is not true.
the only thing i caution you on…is allowing him to know he still has this affect/control over you…he sounds smarmy and stupid enough to try to use it to his advantage. And that might prove dangerous to you.
from what i gather from the little of the bible i have read, turning the other cheek and loving our enemy and forgiveness are things that jesus did. we are to try to be like jesus, but our human selves are imperfect. you tried, britt. what your stepfather did is horrendous and yet you tried to forgive him anyhow. makes you a lot more jesus like than most folks i know, me included. (don’t think i could forgive someone who beat the defenseless. hell, i haven’t forgiven my own father for his stupidity and he never raised a hand to me or those i love.)
just please know that your stepfather has no real power over you now.
Fucking Bastard.
Take care of yourself, Britt, take care of that anger too hon xx
Forgiveness is an on-going process. And it’s not for the forgiven one’s benefit that we do it, most of the time. It’s for the our benefit, the forgiver’s.
Because hate and anger are such soul-suckers.
On the flip side, I don’t believe that forgiveness automatically means you need to like, support, or accept the person who hurt you.
There are plenty of people that I no longer hate, or have to clench my jaw at the sound of their names, but I still wouldn’t welcome them into my home.
I’m finding that forgiveness sometimes comes in many different phases. I’ve forgiven people before, only to have my anger and hatred slap me in the face again a while later. And I have to REforgive. Repeatedly.
But I shall never, ever forget. Whoever said “Forgive and forget” was a fucking moron. Forgetting means you open yourself up to the same shit again. And I won’t.
Still, I admire you, Britt. You have the strength to hate someone that committed too many atrocities to count. Yes, I said “strength.” I have yet to find that strength, or even feel or express anger toward my offenders. And I truly believe it’s been holding me back for…my whole life. Being anger-phobic sucks ass. Anger wasn’t allowed in my house…unless you were a grown-up, of course. Which seems fair. Ahem.
Love you. You’ll get through this, I know it for a fact. Because I’ve seen you get through so many obstacles already in the short time I’ve known you. You never cease to amaze me, and I am constantly wondering who exactly is the elder here, since you clearly have more wisdom than I.
Somethings just don’t deserve to be forgiven.
But I do think that the anger from it can show up from time to time. The damage things do to us as kids, can show up any time. He may not deserve to be forgiven, but you deserve to not be eaten alive by it.
It’s been my experience that when I hate, I get to have the person I hate live in my head rent free. Forgiving is hard. Real hard. I can forgive some people even if I can’t forget.
If I can’t forgive I try to observe.
I simply have no concept of what you (all) must have been through. It’s completely foreign to me and how I was raised. And yet, I know abuse is not uncommon. I pray for people who have been victims and give thanks for the resiliency of the human spirit. Because you are so much better and deserve so much more.
Forgiveness is a tough one. I was always taught to forgive. I think that constant teaching brought me to a point where I also believed in forgiveness along with all the other things I was always taught.
Then life happened. Teachings are challenged. Beliefs are shaken.
I think forgiveness is like grieving. It happens in stages and there is no clear cut path to it. I think it is different for every individual, so advice on the path to forgiveness that may help me won’t be of any help to you because you will take your own path.
But… just in case we are on the same path… I would suggest that before being able to forgive others you have to be able to forgive yourself. I don’t know if that’s the right answer for you, or for that matter myself either.
It’s a work in progress.
Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. You forgive so you can kick that asshole to the curb and stop wasting your precious energy on him one second more. His world won’t change one iota whether you forgive him or not. It’s about you.
But you must be ready to forgive. You may have forgiven him once, but that means that you are ready to be ready. At some point you’ll discover what bullshit all that negative shit that he put in your head is. Then you might be able to forgive him. Like Karl said, phases.
In the meantime, allow yourself not to forgive until you’re damn good and ready.
Wow. I think everyone had great things to say, and I agree. But I just want to say this:
I believe in Karma, and I fully believe that your former step-father WILL get what’s coming to him. Someday, somehow, he will be made to suffer in a way that is much more magnified than what he did to you and your family. It’s a hard concept to grasp since you suffered such horrible abuse at the hands of this man, but trust me, it’s coming.
And also? For the sake of the Christian context of your feelings on things, you believe God will eventually judge him, right? Then have no doubt that he’s gonna suffer in Hell, because I’m pretty sure your God will realize he’s full of shit, and never was truly sorry for what he did.
I’d almost pay to be there and watch the abusers of the world face judgment of whatever deity they believe in. The satisfaction of seeing them suffer in return would be worth the price of admission.
Yeah, I’m a little bitter. I hate to see friends in pain.
I believe in forgiveness too, but I also believe some people just don’t deserve it. And to me he does not sound like he deserves it. Don’t be too hard on yourself over this one. I think we all have at least one person that is unforgivable.
I would never forgive that evil bastard. I would try to let it go, but I could not sit idly by and let someone praise him either.
Do not allow a revision of the truth.
Let the truth set you free. Tell anyone and everyone what he did to you over and over. On your blog. To anyone who will listen.
Don’t let him ever get away with this. Time may heal, but never exonerates.
~Scout
There are things that cannot be forgiven. Abuse in any form is one of those things.
However, it occurs to me there is a big difference between forgiveness and not letting that which is unforgivable affect me any longer. Allowing the anger, hurt, frustration, *whatever* emotion to seep back in is only allowing them to “win” again.
Take care of yourself.
You have no idea how much this resonated with me. I wouldn’t feel to bad about not being able to forgive if I were you.
People often imagine that on the other side of forgiveness that there are glittering fairies of goodness waiting to sprinkle you with happy dust.
I have forgiven something similar and “moved on” but all that’s left after the anger is gone, SOMETIMES, is apathy, disappointment and hurt. Those adversaries often feel even more powerful to me than rage because I know they exist solely as a function of my own weaknesses and needs.
At least, when you’re angry, you feel like you’re doing something about the way you were treated. I’m not implying that forgiveness is wrong. Hell, it’s divine. But, we’re not gods, you know.
Britt, that made me literally sick. I feel your hate although by no means as powerful as you feel it – I guess should say, I understand it. I think you need to forgive yourself for not being able to forgive that animal. I’m going to go hug my kids.
*hugs*
I get it. Completely.
I read or heard somewhere that not forgiving someone is like letting him (or her) live in your head rent-free. You just give them all the room to run around and mess with you and your life, all for free.
Well, it was something like that. I hope you get the gist of what I’m saying.
That was the “yes you should forgive” answer part of this comment. Here is the not so lovey dovey part:
When you have been hurt to your core like you clearly were, forgiving is hard. I still have someone on my list that I can’t bring myself to forgive and I don’t know if I can ever truly forgive this person.
I like what others have said about forgiveness being in stages. I can say the words all day long, “I forgive this person.” Then something will remind why I want to pour battery acid in their eyeball sockets.
The only thing worse is being reminded why I hate this son of bitch, mother fucker, no good asshole is when I hear someone else defending him!!! I realize that their experience with him was not my experience and they can only judge what they went through, but hearing anything “good” about him… nothing at that point can contain my anger and it’s unexplainable the anger that I feel. I’m getting all kinds of mad now just thinking about him and the one that defended him. I better wrap this up because I’m coming pretty close to tears and I have strick ‘no crying at work’ rule.
Um. Yeah, if you learn the keys to totally and complete forgiveness, please let me know. Clearly I need that lesson as well.
When you’ve been through a hell like that, you have no responsibility to him to grant him your forgiveness.
There’s nothing I can say that the others haven’t already said, nor do I think I can speak from a place of knowledge anyway because the men in my life have been true sources of love for me.
So all I really want to say here is that you’re an incredible woman. An incredible person. One who deserves a metric ton of happiness every single day.
So there’s forgiving, and there’s forgetting.
Forgiving is about taking back the energy you put into hatred.
And Forgiving is a multilayered process.
Baby girl, no one can hurt us ever again, OK?
Don’t let him. Or anyone else.
Word. It comes and it goes. I don’t know if it ever goes, because I don’t know anyone who hasn’t a trace of seething hatred inside of them. But you know, you’re safe now, and that’s a little better than it might have ever seemed like before.
Britt,
I’m sorry that the first time i comment on one of your posts it has to be this one.
I spent years hating my cousin who molested me for years. Wishing he were dead. Then one day he was, by his own hand. My mother called me and begged me to forgive him on his deathbed and i said “Fuck no, i hope he rots in hell”. Then the guilt came. The fact that i had wished this man dead for so long and then suddenly he was, and he did it to himself. It was my fault, it had to be. That much energy towards something can’t have been a mere coincidence.
One day it just came to me. His life was hell, for so many reasons. My wishing him dead didn’t do that. He did that to himself, and, i forgave him. I guess it’s easier when you know that he can’t hurt me or anybody else anymore.
Now to work on the rest of them. I don’t know if i can do it either.
If I wrote your post and someone responded the way I am about to, I would hate it and skip over it. So admitting that I know that, would you concur that what I have to say is THAT important for me to say?
If you haven’t read The Shack, READ it. If you have read The Shack, READ it again. You don’t have to agree with all of it, but the forgiveness part of it is really good…it helped me.
It says forgiveness is just letting the anger go. It doesn’t mean you have to forget. And you may have to do it over and over and over again. It’s not for his benefit…it is for you.
I think the man in The Shack went through the unforgivable too…and there was an answer and peace through forgiveness.
All of that being said, I am so sorry that you had to live through that…I am so sorry you have had to carry that load of anger for so long. I know from personal experience that hating can feel somewhat good at particular times…but do deal with it more than you wish too…you don’t deserve it. He inflicted even this hate in you. I am so sorry for that.
Thank you so much for sharing such depths of your soul…you probably can’t imagine how much healing (for others) comes from your blog. I am definitely in that group.
Good news is you have a husband that will take a bullet for you, and stab a bitch if needed.
@Jared, Awesome.
I also wanted to add this quote, mainly for all the commentors:
To Err is Human;
To Forgive is Divine
As fallen humans, we find ourselves suspended between acting like animals and acting like God. Our calling – God’s mind-blowing invitation – is to rise from living like beasts to living like God. Our “mission impossible,” should we choose to accept it, is to rise from living by the law of the jungle to living by grace.
As fallen humans, we find ourselves suspended between acting like animals and acting like God. Our calling – God’s mind-blowing invitation – is to rise from living like beasts to living like God. Our “mission impossible,” should we choose to accept it, is to rise from living by the law of the jungle to living by grace.
@Jared, Wow. You just impressed the hell out of me with this one.
Some people are undeserving of our forgiveness. I am so sorry you had to go through that as a little girl.
I don’t have any words of wisdom that the rest of the interwebs haven’t already shared.
1) Forgive and Forget = Bullshit. How are you supposed to forget? Not what you went through – you can’t forget that.
2) The Shack – is a good book, I’ve read several times, but I’m still at the “forgive and forget = BS” stage of the world.
3) Did someone already say that you are giving him so much power over you by hating him? You are. Stop hating him, feel nothing towards him. (I don’t know how to do that, I’m Catholic – I just know guilt.)
Hugs Britt – Am sorry to see that you are going through more crap, February will be a much better month – it has to be.
There ain’t nothing wrong with hate. You can say it’s negative energy and and whatever, but, ya know?, sometimes worthwhile.
Forgiveness can be a powerful thing, when it feels right and frees you. Obviously, it’s not the time for you to forgive. Considering the situation? I don’t think that’s in any way wrong. What he did was awful, and I’m so sorry you ever had to go through it.
Crap. Now I am sorry I called you Britters.
And the feeling of watching your mother cower in a corner? Been there. Except it was watching him choke her till she passed out, watching him beat her head against a door. Watching him pour beer over her head and laugh, daring her to speak up or brush his hand away. Watching him throw her through the bedroom door, then, for all intents and purposes, rape her. Watching him drag me out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to sit with him while he cooked, in a drunken stupor, and trying to keep my eyes open and stay awake so I wouldn’t feel the back of his hand across my tiny face.
Oh yeah, and he was my biological father. The forgiveness? I tried it. For a long, long time. You know what? The hate feels better. I don’t feel like a traitor to my self. I don’t feel like I am trivializing (sp?) myself anymore. That hatred is a tiny bit of vindication.
I hope you can heal yourself from this Britt. I am still praying. Love you. XOXO
@Stephanie, wow…over-share much? Sorry.
Sweetie, there are some things that ARE unforgivable. In my book, sometimes it is okay to hate. It only becomes NOT OKAY when that affects your everyday life.
No one else has ever had your experiences, so however you deal with it is the right way.
There were times that I wish my bio father would renounce his ‘It’s not mine’ and come take me away from the stepfather.
I remember days like yours, and like Stephanie’s above me. I remember being told my younger sister was my responsibility. I remember getting the shit knocked out of me for something wrong she did, and her tiny laughter at it. I also remember not long before they got divorced the two of them standing in the front yard, screaming at each other with loaded firearms.
I’ve forgiven my mom and my sister, and they are two of my best friends. It took long hours of therapy and talking, but it was worth it.
The stepfather will forever be nothing more than dogshit under my shoe. He will die, and I just might dance on his ashes.
Hugs, Britt. I agree with melkitty: sorry my bloggy love had to be on this post. But you’re still awesome.
Wow. What an honest post Britt.
I don’t think this is about forgive or forget.
There are some people that life can’t fix. There are some people that do very bad things. But hating is never a way to free yourself from those experiences.
I get you. My own dad was horrible too (though more on an insidious, stealthy emotional/mental torture level than a physical torture level)and my brother, who got to live with his own Mom and did not have to go through it keeps telling me that he “couldn’t have been that bad since I turned out so well” and asking “when are you going to admit that he’s a good guy and let him back in your life?” It’s hurtful and irritating and, for me, keeps the hurt I felt as a kid alive.
I don’t know how to help you feel better since I haven’t really figured out how to feel better myself. I have learned though that when I get asked about him I say “I want him to have a good life. I just want that good life to be far away from me.” And then I switch the subject.
It sucks when childhood stuff we feel we should be over walks up and pushes us right down in the mud.
Not everything can, or should, be forgiven.
I will never forgive my father for what he put my mother, brother and I through, and I refuse to apologise for feeling that way. He has stepchildren now and by all accounts is ‘a wonderful man’ – he will never be wonderful in my opinion.
I’m sorry that you and your family had to go through that.
I don’t have any experience with this. I just wanted to say that I’m reading and even though I’m a stranger, I wish I could do something about your pain. I fully agree that some things are unforgivable.
Britt-
It saddens me to see you in this dark place right now and i feel helpless that there is nothing that I can do for you. Just know that I am thinking of you and your family everyday and you are always on my mind:(
Erin
Some acts are unforgivable. To expect you to not hate this man, to not feel anger, to only feel pity is asking entirely too much. Don’t let him be powerful by feeling that if you were a better person you would be able to forgive. You are a better person. You are the best kind of person. Your emotions toward this man do not change that. Anger isn’t wrong, and telling you that you’ve hung on to the anger for too long, sounds an awful lot like blaming the victim to me.
I’ve thought about this long and hard for almost a day now. As you know, I am a huge proponent of forgiveness because it’s not always about the other person but is about us being able to move forward and heal our hearts.
With that said, there are some people who do not deserve forgiveness and if we can find a way to move on and get our own peace without ever forgiving them? Then that is what we should do, psychology be damned.
I think that some actions are unforgivable and that this is one of them.
I feel bad for you… but really? I mean come on. Your brother will probably never see the light of day again. His Girlfriend whether you like it or not is carrying his child. So you can choose to be a grudge holding snot sitting in your warm home in Florida…or suck it up and just be happy someone (your ex-step dad) is trying to help them out.
Your brother made his bed, don’t make this to be an “all about Britt” Moment…
..oh the drama. besides we all know that the girlfriend will eventually get bored of getting her babies diaper frisked at the state penn and move on. The least you can do is hope to build enough of a relationship with her that you can be a good Aunt to your niece/nephew. So if she finds support in Jay’s Father, so be it. It doesn’t mean you have to do anything for him…because there is nothing you can do for your brother, except hope to hell his child doesn’t take the same path.
@sleepyRN, Fuck you. Really.
@Miss Britt, Hey… I really do feel for everyone involved. I just think you need a reality check before you lose touch with the little bit of Jay you have left. No one wins here.. the entire thing sucks a$$.
I mean really, don’t forget about the terror your brother place upon his victims.
you are going through the stages of grief, its all good…
Hang in there Britt
@sleepyRN, the insinuation that we, meaning my mother, my brother, her husband, and my husband, are NOT being there for Jay is insulting. I was on a freaking plane within HOURS of hearing about this. My mother and her husband have been in CONSTANT contact with Jay, doing everything they possibly can for him.
And this girlfriend you speak so highly of? Was just as responsible for the “terror” you speak of – so spare me the sympathy for one coupled with the damnation of another. I think not.
As for this being about me??
This is my BLOG. This is WHERE it is OK for it to be about me. So that when I am not on the Internet I can do the actual things that need to be done to take care of the other people involved in the ways that ACTUALLY matter.
@sleepyRN, yeah, because allegedly taking money from a bank without using weapons or threats is exactly like beating your wife and kids and emotionally and physically abusing them for years. Give me a fucking break.
@Avitable, Oh so your saying it was a victimless crime?
I don’t think they would of handed over money if they didn’t feel threatened.
I bet those tellers/victims have PTSD. I bet it would be hard to go back to work after that.
Your reply was moronic.
@sleepyRN,
actually, it was not moronic. i worked at a bank for many years and on day one of every employee’s training they are told to do EXACTLY as instructed during a robbery, regardless of whether or not you see a weapon. every year we had refresher courses on bank policy and the first thing that was discussed is what to do during a robbery: get them out the door as fast as possible by giving them what they ask for.
and you shouldn’t make assumptions about how others feel. it wasn’t hard for any of us to go back to work after our bank was robbed. my employees did exactly as instructed and were left unharmed.
I am so sorry that this has crept back into your mind after thinking you had previously made peace with it. It’s totally understandable and okay that you still have anger. No one has the right to judge you, and I think you are doing the very best that you can to deal with all of the things being thrown at you.
The only person you owe anything to is YOURSELF. ALLOW yourself to be okay without forgiving that “man”. There are some people in this world who really don’t deserve, Britt. That’s just the way it is.
I love you. I hate that you’re bearing so much sadness. I’m always here friend. Always.
[...] Miss Britt has an extraordinary piece on the lingering effects of childhood abuse at the hands of a stepfather — effects that [...]
[...] Miss Britt has an extraordinary piece on the lingering effects of childhood abuse at the hands of a stepfather — effects that [...]
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Nor does it mean you have to accept an idealized (or perhaps in this case entirely false) view. It does not mean that the old hurts will never be felt or don’t count. It does mean an opportunity to heal, which it sounds like you have been and are taking.
Oh my goodness. My heart broke when I wrote this. I also believe in forgiveness, but what this man put you and your family through is unforgivable. I am so sorry that is in your history. The only way to “make up” for those actions is to never be seen again. Forgiveness must be earned, not expected.
As for that sleepyRN, what a dick. Seriously, just go somewhere else and erase the bookmark or feed link. Troll.
There are some things that are unforgivable.
And there are some things which can only be forgiven if the perpetrator admits the truth. It is impossible to forgive when someone denies there is a reason for forgiveness.
That you try to forgive is the important thing.
Thank you so much for writing this.
I believe in forgiveness too. Just because you believe doesn’t mean you have to though.
I believe in forgiveness also. But I have also come to believe that there are some things that just cannot be forgiven. No matter how much we want to or want to believe we can, sometimes it is just something that does not happen.
I like the idea of forgiveness because when you forgive someone, it does make things easier. But I’m not sure how it works in reality…there are just some things that I just don’t think can be forgiven.
I had no idea that this is what you grew up with. I’m sitting here crying and I can’t think what to write.
But Jared’s words were beautiful…. and it’s awesome to have someone like that in your corner!!
To me the anger, the hatred, the abuse, it’s part of who I am and that’s ok. I’m not going to ever hurt anyone like I was and I understand why my abuser did what he did. It’s not about forgiving, it’s about accepting who you are and that you are not responsible for what happened. There is no reason to bother with forgiveness, it sounds like you’ve successfully gone one with your life and that’s what matters. That is where you have succeeded and all the awful things he did to you failed. You should be proud of yourself and if you get angry sometimes that’s OK.
it is a very similar story of pain that I share with you, as well.
It was my father, he had a mental disease, I know, but that didn’t prevent us, my mother, my three brothers and I to suffer for him…
we had to leave home to go to another city, another world…far away…and my mother was ill for ages…
I try and forgive him, I really want to, I’m getting it, I hope, but, still, the harm is done forever…
I am so sorry to hear about those horrible memories you carry with you.
Not everyone is worthy of forgiveness even if you strongly believe in it.
Sadie at heyMamas
I’m with Mr. Lady.
My own dad was a bastard to us. He dealt many of the same blows as your stepfather and then some.
I was a child. So were you.
Why must WE always forgive? Some things really, truly are unforgivable.
Just because you forgave him, doesn’t mean you forgot what he did. And your forgiveness doesn’t change the things he has done.
I think you have the right to continue to hate his actions.
Personally, from what you wrote here, I want to punch him in the face.
Ick. I am enraged on your behalf. Anyone who would make their wife cower in a corner deserves the worst. ;(
No need to list the rest of the horror. Grah.
*hug*