The next time someone says “are you sitting down?”, I’m going to hang up.

Thursday, January 21st, 2010

I don’t remember what day it was when my mother called. A week ago, I think. I don’t remember what I was doing at the time. Something in my kitchen, and I was smiling. It didn’t occur to me that it might be inappropriate to be laughing when I answered the phone.

I probably blathered on to her for a full five minutes before she got to the reason for her call.

“Are you sitting down?” she asked.

I had learned in the last week to take it seriously when people suggest you brace yourself for incoming news.

“No,” I told her, “not yet.  Give me a second.”

I found one the black chairs at my kitchen table and lowered myself onto it slowly.  I set my feet a little farther apart on the floor and pressed my elbows into my knees.  I was as solidly anchored to the earth as I could be, just in case.  I took a deep breath.

“OK,” I finally said, “I’m ready.”

“You’re going to be an aunt.”

I’m already an aunt, I thought.  I have two neices and a nephew.  I’m already an aunt, and therefore whatever it is she’s trying to tell me is wrong.  I’m already an aunt.

“Britter?” she asked, checking my pulse through the cellular connection between us.

It’s Creed.  Maybe it’s Creed.  Maybe, dear God, there is some girl I’ve never heard of and, oh God, let it be Creed.

And then reality blasted through my pathetic attempts at walls.

My flesh, my flesh.  An aunt by flesh.  By blood, an aunt.  Not Creed.  Jay.

Oh God, Jay.

“Oh my God,” I said.

“I know.”  And then again, “I know.”

She proceeded to relay the conversations she’d had with Jay and with Bre, his girlfriend.  I can’t remember now what she said, but I vividly remember the anger that washed over every inch of me.

I wanted to throw my phone.  Maybe destroying the technology would make the news not true.  I put my head in my free hand and clenched my teeth together, desperately trying to stave off the facts and the fear that were hammering away at me.

“It’s going to be a boy,” I said at one point.  “You know it is.  Son of a bitch, you know it will be a boy.”

“I know,” she said, “I said the same thing.”  Of course she did, because she walks in the same fear I do, the fear that exists just beyond the circle where the boys walk without us.

Jared knelt down in front of me and placed his callused hand on my knee.  “Remember, every baby -” I threw my palm out to shut him up before he could finish.  I knew what he was trying to tell me.  I knew he was trying to offer the same line of comfort that had been given to my mother when I was pregnant, 19 and unmarried.  “Every baby deserves to have someone excited that it’s coming.” I shook my head.

This is different.  This isn’t how this is supposed to happen.  I should be thrilled.  An aunt.  By blood, an aunt.  I should be thrilled.

“How do you feel?” I asked my mom, looking for guidance on what direction my heart should go.

“I don’t know,” she admitted.  “I never thought he’d have the chance to -”

“Stop,” I begged.  “Stop.  Stop.  Stop.”

“OK.”

I couldn’t bear the thought of how that sentence would end, because with it came dark truths that I still am barely able to sit with for more than a fleeting second or two.

************

Jay is going to be a father.  Or rather… I don’t even know the proper way to describe what’s happening.  Father?  Parent?  Dad?  How can any of those words be accurate?  How can you be a father to a child you never get to hold?

And what of that child?

I feel like I’ve already lost another member of my family before they even take their first breath.  I’m terrified his or her fate is already sealed.  I close my eyes and see this brand new life being born into that side, into the dark that my mother and I have never been able to fight off.

I’m so angry.  I’m angry at the power of their father and every member of that godforsaken family.  No matter what we do, we can never seem to eradicate them from our lives, from Jay and Creed’s lives.  They’re like some poisonous, mystical slime that oozes in through the cracks and curls around the necks of the people I hold dear, blinding them and beckoning them.  It calls to them, luring them into a cave of untold evils.  She and I, though immune to the pull ourselves, seem to disappear from their site and hearing the moment the ooze touches them.

And I feel like they’ve already claimed another generation from us.

***********

I thought writing about it would help, but it doesn’t.  It’s no more safe to verbalize in type than it is to open my mouth.

I’m haunted.  Tomorrow it will have been two weeks since this nightmare began, and the deadness in my chest has not lifted.  I open up in spurts, and then it gets to be too much again and I disappear into a book or a nap or simple silence.

People have told me over and over again in the last 30 years that I am strong, but I can tell you, there is no strength here.  There is denial and avoidance and sorrow and fear and anger, but no strength.  The time alone has not helped.  The four hours of joy and laughter were a welcome distraction, but it didn’t touch the monsters that stand just beyond my mind’s reach, threatening to shred the last illusions of my sanity.

None of this is getting better, or easier, or more bearable.  None of this is going away.

And now, I’m going to be an aunt.

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  1. avitable says:

    I wish there was a way to look to the future to show you that this girl (or boy) will grow up with you and your mother’s optimism and love and will be able to shrug off any of the shackles from the darker side of her family. All you can do is have faith and know that this happened for a reason.

  2. Maria says:

    Oh Britt.

    This kid has some cards stacked up again him (or her) but SO MUCH LOVE. SO MUCH. This kid is already being blogged about, being righteously defended, and being loved.

    And that will count for something. I think it will count for a lot.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Maria, I know. I KNOW. And I’m trying to have faith in that. But over and over in my head I keep thinking about how all the love in the world hasn’t been enough to protect Jay, and that scares the shit out of me.

      • Raven says:

        @Miss Britt,

        This is my fear exactly with my brother. I don’t know if there are any children…but I can’t imagine there isn’t out there somewhere and I just…panic.

        I have been afraid for most of my own child’s life that my love wouldn’t be enough to prevent him going off the rails…from turning into my brother or worse, my father. Every day that he doesn’t is a tiny little victory.

  3. Bre says:

    I? Am not proud. I’m not close to being ready. But Jay and I are excited. We’re going to make the best of it. It’s all we can do.
    I don’t expect cartwheels but I’m not holding back my amazement and this miracle. I believe he or SHE is a miracle. And I look forward to the day when you are jovial again.

  4. I totally agree with Avitable. Love & Faith (and the eagle eye that everyone should have when dealing with kids)

    He has a chance. He’s got you, right?

  5. whall says:

    What @Avitable said, but even better and with more feeling.

  6. I’m with Jared.

    I’ve had two pregnancies and neither one was initially met with excitement beyond myself. Yes, even the first one.

    And that fucking hurts.

    So be happy….you’re going to be an aunt!

    Don’t let the doom and gloom settle – just be there for this baby as much as you can. S/He is gonna need it.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Sheila (Charm School RejecT), my first pregnancy, as you know, wasn’t planned – which is where the advice came from in the first place. But I have to admit, I remember expecting everyone to be as freaked out as I was when the news first broke. Of COURSE I eventually got to the point where I was anxiously awaiting Devin’s arrival – but that first few months? Were rough.

  7. Mama Bub says:

    Maybe he’ll have the very best life because he’s not even here and there area already so many people who are concerned about his future. Did your mom jump for joy when you gave her your news? Maybe not, but there’s no doubt that the people in your world could not imagine life without your children.

    I know it’s not the same. I know. There’s still so much hope.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Mama Bub, nope, my mom didn’t jump for joy when I first told her I was pregnant. I remember a lot of people crying. A lot.

      But it did turn out OK. More than OK.

      Thank you for the kind and gentle reminder.

  8. Janelle says:

    Maybe I am just blindly optimistic, but I was excited I read Jay’s name. Given what has happened over the last few weeks, for this baby to come at this time? If that isn’t the hand of God, I’m not sure what is.

    I don’t think the cards are any more stacked against this baby than the rest of us. Look at all the fuck ups (think Celebrity Rehab on VH1) that have had the world handed to them and they still managed to fuck it all up. Your life is not about the hand you are dealt, but how you play that hand (think Blind Side).

    Granted, I don’t know the full family history on other than the few sentences that you have posted today, but I think this child as just as good of a chance at a happy wonderful life as any other child. This child is already has two very special things that the rest of the world doesn’t, you as an aunt and your mom as a grandma. That is pretty amazing right there.

    The two of you together are strong than any green ooze- never ever doubt that.

    • Janelle says:

      No. I didn’t read my comment before I posted. Sorry for the typo’s. I hope that my message came across in spite of all the typos.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Janelle, hahahhahaah – typos not minded one bit.

      I keep thinking about God and wondering what in the HECK is He THINKING??!?! But… sigh… I have to imagine He knows better than I do.

      “The two of you together are strong than any green ooze- never ever doubt that.”

      This, actually, is what scares me.

      Because we both know now that we are not.

      • Al_Pal says:

        @Miss Britt, How about this: just because the green ooze beat you in the past, doesn’t guarantee that it will beat you in the future.
        Smidgen of optimism? ;p

  9. Nanna says:

    Ah my darling.

    I love you.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Nanna, I love you, too.

      Thank you for being one of the only people in the world who really understands EXACTLY what I’m so afraid of.

      And for holding me up.

  10. I am so sorry Britt. I know your family is being over loaded with things to deal with and dealing with so much hurt. Jared is right, though. This baby does deserve to have people excited about him or her. You guys are still this little ones family. Your brother seems to have made a lot a mistakes and wrong choices, but this baby isn’t one of them.
    S/he will need you all.
    Hugs and thinking of you.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Jenni/mom2nji, I know Jared is right. I do. I think the reason it knocked me on my ass so much is because I instantly knew how much any child of Jay’s would mean to me.

  11. Nyt says:

    I’ve said the prayers and surely, I don’t know the whole story. What I do know, is that if you refuse to see the other side of this, if you choose to wallow in the “what might have been” portion of the program, this woman who loves your brother so, this child, who is pure potential, will be lost. Anger, confusion, resentment set aside, this is a little piece of your brother that can be touched, can be comforted, can be kept safe and you can do that, for this child and for your brother…but only if you choose to…

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Nyt, “if you choose to wallow in the “what might have been” portion of the program”

      argh

      *sigh*

      I know. I KNOW. None of these feelings I’m being flooded with FEELS like a choice though.

      But it is. It always is.

      *sigh*

      Thank you.

  12. Nancy says:

    What @Whall said, but with more puppies and unicorns and stars…

    I feel your anguish. How could Jay’s situation get more complicated? It isn’t fair to this child that he or she will likely grow up with his/her father incarcerated for at some time.

    At the same time, new life brings a fresh opportunity to do it right…to do it better. I’m with Janelle here. This all came together for a reason and Jay and this baby need your love and support more than ever.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Nancy, you know, I would feel much more comfortable about this “reason” if someone would show me a detailed map and plan as to how this is all going to work out.

      Could you please let God know that would help?

  13. Dee says:

    Wow. I’m seriously having trouble finding the words….As others said, we only know what you have told us, not the whole story. With that said, I don’t understand the bitterness and drama over the news. So he’s incarcerated. There are children born under worse circumstances. And I don’t get how this affects your life so profoundly. Unless you plan to raise the child yourself.It’s sad to curse an innocent child as coming from the “dark side”. And what’s with “taking over this generation”. Good grief.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Dee, I’d say you did a pretty good job of finding words that made your point. Or at least *a* point.

      “we only know what you have told us, not the whole story”

      There is so, so much more to this story than Jay’s current incarceration.

      “And I don’t get how this affects your life so profoundly. Unless you plan to raise the child yourself.”

      Um, I really can’t fathom this response. He’s my brother. She’s like a sister to me. That child is my niece or nephew. What happens to them sure as hell affects me. Maybe it’s not like that in all families, but it is certainly that way in mine.

      And I didn’t curse an innocent child as coming FROM anywhere. My fear is what happens to him/her after it’s born. And, with all due respect, I am much more intimately familiar with ALL sides of this story than you are.

      Good grief.

      • Dee says:

        @Miss Britt, touchy. You put it out there for the world to see. Thoughts & feelings. Then you jump a commentor if they don’t agree with you.

        I did say we only know what you have told us here. I never presumed to know more than that, and do believe I properly clarified that in my original reply.

        I’m sorry you don’t welcome different points of view here. Have a nice day.

      • Nanna says:

        @Miss Britt, hahahahahahahahaha

        “Good grief indeed”

  14. Finn says:

    There’s a lot here I don’t really understand, but what I do understand is that it’s got you all twisted inside. More twisted than you have been in the past week or so. For that, I am sorry.

    I wish there was something I could say that would lift the heaviness in your heart, but there just isn’t. Not right now. But it will be OK. One day, it will be OK.

    xoxo

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Finn, you? Are really, really good at sitting beside me – from hours away – and holding my hand. Thank you for that. As much as people may want to tell me I’m wrong for feeling what I’m feeling, there’s no getting through it to the other side by putting on a happy face and pretending it’s not there.

  15. muskrat says:

    I’ve never sat when told to in a telephone preface. It didn’t change the fact that, the first time, a friend had blown his head off, and the second time, I was leaving my family to go back to Iraq and had a week to get ready.

    So, comparatively, this is awesome news!

  16. Dawn says:

    Love that child, Britt. Love that child. He or she needs all the extra that anyone and everyone can muster. He or she did nothing wrong. Love that child.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Dawn, I will. I DO.

      And I will try to focus on that.

      • Dawn says:

        @Miss Britt, I hope you didn’t think that I implied that you wouldn’t. Or that you don’t. I know you will. I know you do. It was the focusing aspect that I know is hard. But you can (and will) do that too. xo

  17. SciFi Dad says:

    Not every child grows up to be their parents. Trust me.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @SciFi Dad, I know this is going to sound weird, but there would be worse things than for that child to turn out like Jay. I mean, I hope he/she doesn’t make all of the same decisions… but my fear is not and has never been that he/she would be like Jay.

      • SciFi Dad says:

        @Miss Britt, It doesn’t sound weird at all, and honestly as soon as I hit the submit button I realized how my comment sounded. What I meant was that this child won’t necessarily make the same mistakes that your brother made.

  18. Karl says:

    Freak out for a little while, Britt. It’s ok. There’s time to regroup down the road.

  19. It’s okay not to be immediately thrilled about this.
    I felt the same way when learning that my sweet, tender-hearted brother-in-law had impregnated the, ahem, unstable girlfriend that we thought he had just successfully broke up with. Three weeks later, she informed him that she was pregnant. It was really hard to be excited, or happy, for him.
    It still is a crappy situation, but now that my newest little niece is here? She’s beautiful, and perfect, and while her mom might be a wee bit psycho, there are other family members that are NOT. And I’m confident that she will have love and stability and positive influences from us.
    So freak out, by all means! But when the dust settles, and it’s not a huge shock anymore, take comfort in the fact that the biological parents are not always the biggest influence in a kids life.

    Hugs to you, Britt, and prayers for you and your family.

  20. bo says:

    Denial and avoidance and sorrow and fear and anger are signs of strength, strength that you’re willing to deal with things as a person who loves. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be angry or hurt.

    Your strength is in the pain you feel. It is THAT you feel it.

    Having said that, be strong enough to treat the kid unequivocally. We all have to pay for the sins of our fathers and mothers, but he has the right to choose to whom he turns over his coin and how he does it.

  21. Faiqa says:

    Every new life is a new chance. Where is it written that we *must* follow in the path of our fathers (or mothers)? Whatever negative situation this child is inheriting, I have experienced the positives they will inherit as a living breathing reality. He or she is blessed… and please keep in mind that there are many children who will be born with so much less.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Faiqa, “Whatever negative situation this child is inheriting, I have experienced the positives they will inherit as a living breathing reality.”

      Maybe that’s where I’m struggling. My faith in the power of those positives lately is shaky, at best.

  22. Aunt Becky says:

    I had my first under duress and while the situation wasn’t probably ideal, it absolutely worked out to be such a blessing. So I am going to offer my congratulations upon being an aunt. Sending you a big hug.

  23. Just Me says:

    Congrats Aunt Britt!

  24. Jared’s words had me crying, its so true and you know it, hon. I think its ok to be shocked, angry, upset, whatever feelings come up for you, its understandable. Best wishes Britt.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @J from Ireland, I do know. I do. I swear to God that man ALWAYS jumps immediately to the right answer, while it usually takes me a lot longer to get there by way of the muck.

  25. Lynda says:

    I don’t know if this will help you, but here is an experience with an unexpected pregnancy in my family.

    My sister got pregnant and told the family that she felt like she was ready to have this baby. I knew my parents weren’t thrilled at first. She didn’t have health insurance. She didn’t have a steady income. Her boyfriend was a low-life who pretty much did nothing to help her, and pretended it didn’t happen because *he* didn’t want kids.

    As time went on, my parents got over the shock and got use to the idea. They helped my sister out, because she started having breathing difficulties. Then he was born three weeks earlier, and my sister was diagnosed with lung cancer two days later.

    Four and a half months later, she was dead.

    My nephew will never really know his mother. He only knows what we tell him. He is being raised by my parents who love him so very much. In my family, we say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you don’t see the reason right away, and sometimes you don’t see it at all.

    I know your situation is a little bit different. But I can tell you that baby is going to need you. And hopefully once you are over your shock, you will be excited to have that little person in your family and your life. They don’t have to follow the same path as the people before them.

  26. Sybil Law says:

    “A baby is God’s opinion that life should go on.”

    Carl Sandburg

    I can see where you’re coming from, but this kid has smart women around to guide him/ her.
    That’s more than a lot of other children are born into.
    xoxo

  27. NaysWay says:

    Oh gosh. Just when you want the fog to lift, just a little… Those familial cycles are hard to break, and so much harder for the men (I have witnessed). You guys just keep loving each other and hold on to that love. I wish I had better words for you, but I’m going to have to agree with @Karl.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @NaysWay, “Those familial cycles are hard to break, and so much harder for the men (I have witnessed).”

      Yes, exactly. THAT is my fear because I have watched it.

      But I will definitely try to take the rest of that advice as well.

  28. CP says:

    Don’t put the sins of others on the backs of innocents. Jared is absolutely right. This baby deserves to be celebrated, regardless of the circumstances.

    Love this baby as you wanted yours to be loved all those years ago.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @CP, please understand that I would never, ever, EVER prejudge this – or any – baby, or person for that matter. I’m not judging this baby – or Bre or Jay, even – I’m just afraid for what it may have to face. And I’m heartbroken for my brother for what he may miss.

  29. Not About You says:

    Jesus you’re a bitch.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Not About You, I’m sorry, am I supposed to take this anonymous comment seriously?

    • Nanna says:

      @Not About You, Really? Oh how I *wish* I could put the whole story out there.

      The thing is that we DO loove this little one already. THAT’S WHY it hurts, OK? Because we’ve BEEN THERE! Watching what it does to have a little boy or girl whose daddy is absent from Little league games and parent-teacher conferences. When he or she is asked to write an assignment about their daddy and they come home in a panic and say “I don’t want everyone to know that my daddy is in jail.”

      We DO love this little one. We KNOW, from bitter and enduring experience, what happens.

      And there is ALSO the possibility that, as lovey dovey and all as it seems right now, there is no guarantee that his mommy will be able to stand the YEARS of loneliness, and our little one will be taken from our lives.

      And I REALLY want to tell the rest of the story on that one before you DARE freaking call someone a bitch who is brave enough to put her honest feelings out there.

      • Not About You says:

        I don’t need to know the rest of story. What’s important is a woman without a lot of support from her own parents according to her blog is pregnant and the father is incarcerated and likely will be for a long, long time. She needs support in her pregnancy not to be dismissed as someone who could potentially, at some point in the next TWO DECADES, make a decision that would negatively effect you. Thanks for missing the same point though: At this time, it’s not about you. It’s about supporting her and I don’t know maybe making it clear that she, the mother, matters in more than a tangential way.

        • RW says:

          @Not About You, I sort of read the original post as being Britt’s concern for the kid and the situation and that the feelings she expressed having were based on that concern. The worry about the kid’s future are based on what she knows about the situation. Maybe you’re predisposed to read into it what you wanted to? I dunno. In any case there’s a better way to express the idea you had than just making points for yourself. None of us are perfect. You could have said “I think we should pray for the kid” or “it might be an opportunity to use those feelings, Britt, and do what we can.”

          I think automatically going the bitch route is kind of weak, actually.

  30. FyreGoddess says:

    I’ve walked your road before. Brother in jail, surprise baby, fragile marriage, starting a family “too young” and everything that comes with it.

    I have no words of wisdom or even of comfort. I just wanted you to know, I’ve walked that road. I don’t know how YOU feel and your situation is markedly different from mine, but I know where you’re coming from and it will get easier.

    Not forever, sometimes not even for long, but it does get easier and eventually it hurts less often and for shorter amounts of time.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @FyreGoddess, wow, it’s at once bizarre and comforting to know that we are not the first family to go down this road. Thank you.

      • FyreGoddess says:

        @Miss Britt, I think it’s easy to forget and good to remember that however unique anyone’s story is, there’s always someone else (several others, in fact) whose story contains the same elements. It doesn’t make it any easier, but sometimes you can take strength from knowing that other people came out the other side.

  31. As I type this, my boyfriend — the man I am going to marry — and I are waiting to hear news of the birth of his brother’s daughter, our niece. When we first heard, the world kinda stopped. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and his girlfriend is very, very young. We were shocked, and scared, and very angry.

    And then I realized that whether it was right or wrong, this baby was still coming. And she still would need a whole lot of love, from her family.

    After spending more time with the two expectant parents, I have no worries. Things are still uncertain, as they always are, but I’m going to love my niece no matter what.

    I know you’re angry, and scared, and angry, but I think that your niece/nephew will be just fine — because s/he will have you and a bunch of other amazing people to take care of him or her.

    I want to say more but I have to run off to a meeting at work. *hugs*

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Elizabeth Kaylene, thank you for admitting that you were at one time shocked, scared, and angry. It has kind of amazed me today how many people didn’t expect those emotions to come into play for us at all.

      • @Miss Britt, I think it’s pretty normal to feel those things, and to go through a kind of rollercoaster. There were times when I was okay with it, then times when I was angry again, then times when I was just really worried. Now, after seeing both of them with their daughter — she’s arrived! — I feel a mixture of relief, awe, and happiness, because I think they’ll be okay.

        Just remember that it’s okay to feel however you feel. It’s taken me a long time to realize that we can’t fight our emotions; they’re a natural part of who we are, and they help us to get through things.

        I hope everything turns out okay.

  32. Hockeymandad says:

    You know, being an aunt or uncle is a good thing. You get to load em up with sugary treats and then give them back. Ooof, I smell a big ole nasty turd…here you go!

    Silver linings.

    I think everything will be ok. This child will have a chance because it will have family like yours to help guide it. Yeah, it’s getting a raw deal to start things off, but raw deals don’t have to stay that way.

    All the emotion you’re feeling right now seems completely normal to me. I’ve never been in your shoes, and my big feet probably wouldn’t fit, but if I look at the chain of events of recent weeks and months, I understand. Be angry, excited, disappointed, sad, and anything else you feel you should be. Just get it out. Get it out and know no matter what you say or do while expelling your emotions, that there will be a whole bunch of people that will still love you and support you. You are surrounded by love and support. I saw it first hand.

  33. Laurie says:

    Wow. Just wow. You and your family have gone through so much recently. It’s completely understandable that you would react this way, and you will probably be in shock for awhile. It is okay. Take care of yourself and do what you need to, and feel the way that you need to feel. It is all part of the process. In the end, you are going to be a fantastic Aunt, and the baby is and will be so very loved by you and your wonderful family. It is heartbreaking, but I really do believe things happen for a reason. I hope that reason becomes clear someday. *hugs*

  34. brett says:

    Damn, when Jay cuts a swath he doesn’t mess around. I don’t mean to sound callous but I vote for adoption.

  35. sandra says:

    I don’t think strength is about being strong in the way most people think about it — I think it’s about trudging through (and sometimes sinking into, a bit, when you’re exhausted) the “denial and avoidance and sorrow and fear and anger” and still having room left over for concern and love. Whatever you’re feeling hasn’t taken away the good in you, or your empathy for the people you love — and that is strength, in my book.

    And you know…without getting too far into it, one of the men who’s most important to me managed to break an incredibly long-standing and negative cycle, to become an amazing father, friend and family member.

    So, not that you need my permission — or anyone else’s, for that matter — but worry like hell and freak out if that’s what you need to do right now. One day, you’ll wake up and realize that putting one foot in front of the other isn’t as hard as it was the day before…and it’ll slowly start to come together again…even if there’s always a bit of you that’s brokenhearted by everything that happened on the way there.

  36. Becca says:

    I said this to your mama, and I’ll repeat myself here. I know that you will all do the very best you can to be supportive to Bre and to Jay, and that is exactly what they need. That doesn’t mean you have to put on a happy face and pretend it’s not happening, but I know you can do this.

    He will have a father, whether Jay is in prison or not, he will have one. I tell my inmates on a weekly basis that even if it hurts the inmate to have their family come in, it hurts the family that much more to deny them the right. They (you,the families, whoever) have the right to be involved, and that is how most inmates, offenders, etc. rehabilitate is by seeing their family stand by and support them. No matter how hard it is.

    I know I am probably the last voice you want to hear right now, and if you want me to not comment anymore I won’t but I hurt for all of you that you are going through this and I want you to know that although I do have a different perspective I do understand some of your pain. Hope I haven’t offended.

  37. Headless Mom says:

    That’s quite a load you’re carrying. ((hugs)) to you and your family. I know that together you’ll get through this.

  38. Cara says:

    I can only guess how this feels and lord do you deserve time to absorb it. But, when you’re ready, I want to tell you that kids can and do surprise us every day with who they grow up to be. I work with children in foster care, children whose back story and family history can not possibly be better than the little one that is coming. I won’t pretend that they all grow up fine and make great choices. But, the ones that are a step away from the craziness (literal or figurative)? The ones who have people in their live who love and care about them for them, who are committed to being part of their lives? The vast majority of those kids are just fine. You already love this kid, and it already shows through the shock, disbelief and fear. You have a relationship with his mother and you’re the type of person who would work to keep that relationship, those family ties, no matter what happens between her and Jay in the long run. I read Bre’s comment, and this kid will be surrounded by love from all sides right from the start. So, really? Statistically? This kid is going to be just fine. And I know that doesn’t change your fear, and I know I’d have it to. But, I wanted you to know for later that the odds actually ARE in his/her favor. If you want them, I can find you studies that prove it. (Really, I can. There are people who study these things. So, if you’re nerdy like me and it helps…)

  39. My first inclination was to feel horrible sorrow for you, your mom, and your brother. But after reading on and thinking about the positivity the baby will need in its life, I feel joy for Bre.

    Once the trial and sentencing is over (however long that may take), life will move on and the baby will need as much positive energy you, your family, and friends can send.

  40. Melissa says:

    Congrats on the newest addition to your family!!

  41. GrandeMocha says:

    As the result of an omg we what are we going to now pregnancy, it all works out. Some good, some bad, some both. I made damn sure I didn’t have an oops. My dad wasn’t around until I was 7. We still aren’t close but I think that would happened anyway.

  42. Momma says:

    But, I don’t understand! If you are so afraid of the mystical slime, wouldn’t it happen even if Jay was present in this baby’s life? So, would you still be horrified if he was not incarcerated, but married with a baby on the way?

    I really HAVE to stop reading this blog. It is WAY too painful. It’s bringing back with such clarity our experiences with our son. I too felt that glass barrier and I too asked what I could have done differently.

    His grandmother (my awesome husband’s mom) was pure evil, but my husband rose above it all…is the best father ever, Didn’t help with our son, however. My husband’s sister is convinced that ‘the old girl put the curse on the boys in the family’ because they all seemed to fall under the curse in spite of the fact they all were brought up in extremely loving and stable Mom&Dad families.

    It’s been over 20 years, but we really lost our son back then even though he ‘survived’….and now DeannaBanana is the guardian of his two daughters.

    GAWD!!!

    • Issa says:

      @Momma, I’m sorry, but why bother to comment to say, I’m done reading your blog. Do you really think that helps Britt or anyone? Just stop reading.

      • Momma says:

        @Issa, ….Huh??

        I can only hope that Britt (who is a personal friend of our daughter) and her mom read this and knew that I was simply mirroring their pain which we TRULY experienced over 20 years ago…However, since I didn’t want to go on and on about our experience I think I stopped my comments too soon. Should have said that the boy and his mother whom our son abandoned years ago is awesome, The boy is wonderful (as 18 year olds go) and is the best of his ‘father’. his ‘father’ never did go to any of his soccer or volleyball games. Our son on the other hand had a father who coached his hockey, his little league and was the commanding officer of the army cadet corps our son belonged to.

        I consider his mom my real daughter-in-law. The mother of his daughters, on the other hand, is an addict …. the girls however are wonderful (as 14 and 15 year olds go ;o)
        Next time maybe try to read what was really written, not what you think was meant.

        • Issa says:

          @Momma, Sorry. I truly am sorry. I obviously read wrong.

          Britt, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be commenting anywhere. This is why.

          • Momma says:

            @Issa, Don’t beat yourself up. I rarely comment either, but this just is so sad, and what we also experienced.

            I think you are wonderful to say sorry, and I also am sorry, because probably didn’t write clearly enough to be understood. My family knows what a scatterbrain I am.

  43. Lisa says:

    I don’t have great words of comfort or solace, but I’m good at sitting with you while you work through this. I wish this wasn’t so loaded with conflicting emotions for you, and that your family could get a little break, but it will work out. And pretty soon you’ll have a brand-new niece or nephew to love on and spoil rotten. ::hugs::

  44. Selma says:

    20 years ago my heroin-addicted cousin and his equally heroin-addicted girlfriend got pregnant. You would not believe how angry I was. I was angry at them, I was angry at the child. Most of all I was angry at the situation. That poor baby girl was born addicted to heroin. I still have trouble forgiving my cousin for putting a child through that.

    At the time I thought the whole thing was just completely fucked, that no one would come out the other side. I remember saying to myself :”I’m just going to give up now.’ It was one of my darkest hours.

    I’m telling you this to let you know the light came back. The child brought it back. She is my darling goddaughter and she goes to medical school. She has only the good parts of her father and mother. It still surprises me that out of such a dark place came such a person of light.

    Hold on, Britt. Things will get easier. Sending you lots of hugs.

  45. Stephanie says:

    Still doing the only thing I know how to do. Praying.

  46. Fantastagirl says:

    I know when the baby comes, your family will embrace her/him with open arms, your family will be there. Because that’s what family does…you know in your heart, that your family will help this child in anyway they can. And we know that it’s not the same.

    Who knows what the future holds, perhaps your nephew or niece will be the one that finds the cure for childhood cancer, or something wonderful.

    No, it’s not the same as welcoming a child into a home where there’s a mommy & daddy, it’s not idea. But it is reality, and it’s the world we live in.
    Congratulations to you, to your family, and your brother’s girlfriend!

  47. fidget says:

    Given what you’ve told of the story, we know he will be in jail. This baby will be a part of him, one that won’t be on the other side of bullet proof glass.

    You do your best to be a good auntie, Bre will do her best to be a good mum and boy or girl, this child is going to be ok- more then ok, this baby is going to be awesome.

  48. Issa says:

    Time. Everything takes time to learn to deal with. Sadly, no one can tell you the exact date where breathing again comes easily.

    Read, hide, write, cry, laugh, whenever you want. It’s okay on all of the above. Truly.

  49. Oh. My. Fuck.

    I don’t have the words, hon. I don’t. Just deep breaths, and if you have contact with your nephew (or niece – you never know), do what you can for him/her. Give them support, love, and positive words. That’s all you can do.

    That and hug your babies a bit tighter.

  50. Margaret says:

    Britt – you will get through this, of that I am certain. Right now, you feel what you need to feel to get through all of the emotions until you get to the happiness part. Everything happens for a reason, just believe that you will figure it out when the time comes.

    Sending as much love as I can your way.

  51. Alisha says:

    This is my first comment on here. I just normally do not have much to say. I probably do to this post but I am going to keep it short. My father was in prison for felony armed robbery for most of my life. I was four and a half when he went in. My parents had just split up when he went to prison. I can say from a childs perspective that he was just my Dad. I would talk to him between the glass and on the phone. When I would get his letters I would feel special. Kids adjust so well to their lives especially when there isn’t a change to their surroundings. I feel the sadness that your brother will never be able to touch his child. He will be a good father though. The best deterent for me to take the right path was my father telling me what it was like. My father was a part time father simply because he had a drug problem. He was in and out of my life which is what caused me to have anger at him. Had he just been the dad that he sometimes was from prison I wouldn’t have had a hard time with it. It is a sad situation and I don’t know the rest of the story but as for the babies relationship with his/her dad….it will be normal for the child. Questions will come but the love is always there between them. They just have to find other ways to make memories. We did find ways without being physically together to form and maintain our bond.

  52. Tonz says:

    I don’t think any feelings are wrong. I think it’s important to be honest about your feelings and if you can’t do it here, where can you?? There is plenty of time to feel the happy and the love, but right now, the honest emotions are good.

    But hugs are coming your way.

  53. Rachael says:

    I am totally late to the game here, and I don’t even know what I want to say. Just that I’m thinking of you I guess. One thing after another and it’s so hard, I hope that this year only gets WAY better. Big (hugs) to you.

  54. You’re brave. You’re strong.

    It’s normal to be angry right now.

    Similar to the stages of grief and death.

    Rain and shine. Rain and shine. Less rain, more shine.

    It’s a process, you know that though.

    You’re brave. You’re strong.

    Right now it’s okay to be angry and sad and fearful. It’s okay, and you deserve to feel that way.

    That Saturday, October 8th, 2005, the day I got a phone call that my ain’t and uncle had been murdered. By their own son. My 17, almost 18 year old cousin who was a hockey star, loved his one year old nephew more than anything in the world, the boy who went to church every Sunday, the boy, my grandma’s grandson, my mother’s nephew, my cousins brother… He’s gone. He’s still here, but he’s gone.

    A few weeks before his 18th birthday, early/mid January 2005, my cousin was sentenced to life in prison with a chance of parole after 30 years. Should he be granted parole, he will be 47 years old.

    When we initially found out that cold Saturday morning, we all came together and held each other, cried, not only for my cousin but for my aunt and uncle. My grandma who would never wish death on her worst enemy said in tears, “He better get the death penalty, he HAS to get that.”.

    4 years later… My grandma writes to my cousin, my cousin writes to my grandma, my cousin calls my aunts collect, he writes letters to his nephew, he is deeply saddened by what he has done and he cries for what he did to his family.

    But right now? He finishe his GED, he’s got a job in prison making license plates, he has gone through counseling and is now in turn helping other inmates with similar situations. He’s made friends. He stays out of trouble.

    My husbands next door neighbor is his counselor at the state prison. Small world but it’s oddly comforting to be able to truly know how he is and how great he is truly doing despite his past. That shows there is hope for a brighter future.

    It’s hard to see him through the glass, I know you dealt with that too… But 4 year ago I never ever thought my family would heal. I never thought my mom would be normal or her old self again. I never thought my grandma would heal. The fear, sadness, despair… It was going to beat us to the ground.

    But 4 years later, my grandma loves him just like she always has. She mourns the loss of her daughter and son in law, but she loves my cousin despite his wrong doing. My family chose to remember the Matt we knew before this nightmare began, and eventually we only lost two lives that day. One life is not how we planned but he’s still there, here and doing well today.

    Right now you, and I know you know this… But time will heal, rainbows will shine, bonds will be made, anger will rage on the ones you love the most, but in the end… Even though you feel a life has been lost, it hasn’t.

    It’s just begun, and you will take comfort in knowing that you can get in your car and go see your brother during visiting time… Sure that’s not how you planned to visit him but eventually it won’t hurt as bad and you’ll take pride and feel the enjoyment of still being able to drive to see your brother.

    You just have to learn to do things differently, and after a while?

    Everything is okay again.

    Less rain, more shine.

    I promise.

  55. Sarcastica says:

    Catching up now on my Miss Britt, and oh hun…you’ve got so much on your plate! I wish I could say something to help out…but I don’t know what to say :(

  56. Al_Pal says:

    Eeeeyowza. *HUGS*

  57. haley says:

    godforsaken family? if it werent for my dad you wouldnt have jay or creed. and aha i love how you say get us outta your guys lives. maybe your forgetting your snake of a mother married not only jay and creeds dad, but their dads brother! and i am THEIR sister. so trashing our family isnt doing you no good. just shows that your just like your mother.

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