My family is having Thanksgiving dinner without me today.
My mom and my brothers, along with the rest of their families, will gather around a table and turkey, 1400 miles to the north of me in a small ranch house in Iowa. They’ll laugh and they’ll eat and they’ll make fun of one another. They’ll take pictures and talk about what they’re thankful for.
And they’ll be just fine without me and mine.
That’s the part no one tells you about when you think about moving away from your family. Everyone assures you that you’ll be OK. They promise you’ll meet new people and make new friends. They remind you that adult children have been moving away from their parents for centuries and that you’ll make new traditions of your own and be no worse for wear.
You’ll be fine, they all say.
And you are.
But what no one talks about is how everyone else will be fine, too. Your family will carry on with their traditions just the same as they would have if you had stayed put. They’ll meet new people and make new friends, and you won’t ever be able to fully understand the bonds they’ve formed with people who are strangers to you. They’ll keep laughing and sharing old jokes, and they’ll make new ones that you don’t get. They’ll eat the same foods they’ve always eaten, and no one will think twice when a place isn’t set for you at the table.
They’ll say that they miss you, and they do, but life goes on without you.
It’s humbling to realize how quickly the gap left by our absence is closed. Even hosting your own dinner with your own family and friends doesn’t erase the feeling of being inconsequential.
And it’s not that you blame them. Or fault them. Or can possibly imagine life going any other way. But still.
Life goes on without me today, and it makes me ache for the hole that’s no longer there.
i don’t believe that “no one will think twice when a place isn’t set for you at the table”
@hello haha narf, i completely agree. That will definitely not be the case. They always look at the spot where you used to sit, and think “she’s not here” and remember you. So even if for a split second, they miss you, a lot
They will totally be thinking of you, Britt. My family too will carry on as normal but I know people will be asking my sister and Dad, “How is Hilary?” and they will wish I was there…just like your family will wish you were there.
Couldn’t have said it any better. My mom was all I had down here while the rest of the family is in nj. She died a month ago. Makes it worse
Oh honey, I know what you mean by this. And, I know it sucks. That picture of you and your brothers is great. They are thinking about you!
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Love ya
But you know you’re loved. Keep that with you.
Happy Thanksgiving, Britt.
Oh, I disagree… when my daughter moved out of state I was heartbroken as we were so very very close. It ALWAYS made family gatherings seem empty without her there. We are family… and it is a bond that doesn’t break.
There is TOTALLY a hole at the table without you here. Sigh. Watch – it will be mentioned 10 times. And then one of the boys will punch the other one and …..
I love you, m’hija
We go on because what else can we do? But the hole is there. Trust me.
Your mom and brothers will all feel your absence palpably. They’ll still have fun and be okay, but there will be something missing for them.
There is a hole there. Names will be mentioned. Memories will be brought up.
I actually hate this time of year because other than Travis and the kids, I have no family here. And I’m not able to take vacation time to travel.
I surround myself with my friends, who I chose as family. And I then I bring up the memories, and then I make new ones with my extended family.
My son just moved out in July and will be spending his first holiday without us. Instead of “mom’s turkey”, he will be eating with his future in-laws. I miss him already and Thanksgiving isn’t here yet! As a mom (my son is your age) I can guarantee that YOU WILL BE MISSED!!
I think you’re missed.
We’re staying home this year for the first time ever, and I know for a fact that I’ll be missed. And, I figure you’re nearly as entertaining as I am, so you gotta be missed, too.
It’s tough, isn’t it? But you know, they’ll be missing you even through their celebrating and merry-making. Families are just that way.
When my kids are grown and move away, there will always be a hole at my table where they and theirs should be. Always.
OH BRITT!!
We all know our meal would be better with you and yours here. I promise I’m working on the blueprints for a teleport machine!
No. Really. The world needs one!
Also? Nice choice in pictures..! Roflmao!
Love u and Happy Thanksgiving!
Now I am full of The Sad. I would totally have Thanksgiving with you. I live like next to my family, so I see them daily. Shockingly, we’re not super crazy close.
I completely and totally and absolutely get this. I know that you know that they miss you, but the fun, the party, life continues. It’s humbling. I came home from my college one weekend in my junior year. My middle sister had just started college that year and so there were only four of us at the table. I was all, this is weird, just four, kind of nice and cozy, but weird. They looked at me funny and then my baby sister said, this is how it always is.
Wow. Yeah. Because I hadn’t been there for three years. That moment was what you just said in this post for me.
Ok, you just made me rethink that idea of ever moving away.
Last year was my first Thanksgiving that my parents weren’t home. We didn’t leave them, they left us! (LOL) And it was hard. Mostly because I had to figure out how the hell to cook a turkey without poisoning everybody but also because of little things like being yelled at for eating the deviled eggs while we’re making them. So we called my mom to tell on each other for eating the eggs so that she could yell at us
::hugs::
There might be a different kind of hole at my Thanksgiving table this year, and I don’t even want to think about it, because it won’t be the kind that you can close. Nor would I want to close it.
There’s no way they’re not thinking about you the same way you are thinking about them.
Not ‘inconsequential’ – disconnected. You, Miss Britt, could never, EVER, be inconsequential.
I hear you! I live 6000 miles away from my family in a country that doesn’t even celebrate Thanksgiving (although we, of course, have traditional Thanksgiving dinner with American friends). I get flak (is that how that is spelled??) from my family ALL THE TIME for choosing to live far away. It’s as if I am not allowed to miss them or be sad that I am missing out on family traditions because I am the one who has decided to live so far away. I know it’s the right decision for my family–me, my husband and our 2 boys–for us to be where we are, but that doesn’t make days like Thanksgiving any easier. Plus my sister (who hosts our family Thanksgiving dinner every year) makes a way better turkey than I do!!
You summed up that feeling really well. I feel that with some of my family and it is a yucky feeling.
Your husband and your children are your family. The rest are just miscellaneous relatives.
At least it is if you are mature enough to be married and raise kids.
@georgeh, that’s complete and utter bullshit and has NOTHING to do with maturity.
My mother is as much my family as my children are. And they will continue to be my family long after they have children of their own.
I too live thousands of miles away from my family and they don’t even celebrate Thanksgiving, it’s a new tradition for me and my girls…but trust me..I miss them and I miss them for my daughters sake.
Plus I love this picture…oodles of joy in your eyes!
They are missing you too – and they notice that you are not there…. it’s just hard – and that’s okay.
You will be missed and it will be for all the right reasons.
I understand this though. When my parents moved us to Florida from New York at 12, we knew we’d miss the annual gathering at my grandmother’s house on Christmas Eve. There was booze, lots of kids, a visit from my uncle dressed as Santa to deliver a present and lots of baked ziti with garlic bread. We missed one and missed it so bad we made the 24 hour drive twice over the first 4 years in Florida but that was the last one. The tradition continues and not a year goes by when I don’t miss being in that room with all my aunts and uncles. There is usually a phone call to the room and everyone says hello and although no one says it, we feel missed just the same.
Alas, we have built our own little gatherings here and so long as my girls are by my side it doesn’t matter where we are. If you’re surrounded by love everything will always work out fine.
They are always thinking about you. But I know how hard it is when I ring to say Happy Birthday (or whatever) and the whole family is there celebrating. But to say that they’ve filled the hole made by you leaving, I don’t think is right. You are always missed.
I know this feeling – thank you for putting into words what I can’t say