Truth In Blogging: Some People Are Bitches

I’m not perfect.

None of you are surprised to hear that, I know.  But my point is that not only am I not perfect, but I have no desire to appear perfect.  Not to you or anyone.

There’s too much pressure in perfection.  Besides, most people know it’s a lie, don’t they?  I know I have, at various times in my life, felt very uncomfortable around people who seemed to be perfect.  I wasn’t impressed with them so much as I was disappointed in myself.

The very last thing I want to do in this life is make someone else feel uncomfortable or disappointed in themselves.

I’m not perfect.

And neither are you.

We both know this, on some level, and yet if you take a tour around the Internet or the living rooms in your neighborhood, you’ll find elaborate dances being done to hide any sign of imperfection.  Like it’s a weakness rather than an integral part of humanity.  We boast, we brag, we hide our dirty laundry under perfectly made beds.  We display pictures of our smiling children and sweep up the broken glass from the last argument with our spouses.

We’re not perfect, we say with a smile, all the while hoping that no one finds the evidence to prove it.

I wrote a post last week about a recent session with our marriage counselor.  I do that a lot these days, I know.  But one particular comment stood out, and reminded me why I bother to bore you with the intimate details of my personal life.

A reader calling herself Carrie said:

“Long time reader but first time commenter so I hope I’m not breaching some kind of etiquette by saying something contrary.

I’m sure you meant this as a lighthearted post and I know that you shouldn’t take everything seriously all the time. But, I have to say that I was a little appalled when you said “I made a note to remind him later that she probably says that to everyone too. Except me. She never tells me I’m brave, I realized. Maybe she only says that to the men.”

If I were your husband I would be hurt by that statement. If he isn’t then that’s his choice. But, after all you guys have been through wouldn’t it have been better to have left that out and maybe even told him you agreed with her instead of planning on cutting him down later? That just seemed so mean to me.”

First of all, as I told Carrie in my response, this is a blog, not a fan site.  I’m not building a temple for people to come and worship me, and I have no problem with “contrary” opinions.  Especially if you’re not a douche about it – which she wasn’t.

But more importantly, I was glad she picked up on what I had written about my mental response to my marriage counselor praising Jared’s bravery.

She said she was “a little appalled”.  She said it was mean.

And she was right.

It was mean.  Beyond that, it was petty and a sign of my insecurities and fears about being told that I’m the one to blame for all the problems in my marriage.

And I knew it when I wrote it.

I wrote it anyway.

As I tried to explain to Carrie, my goal here isn’t to make me seem perfect.  I’m not trying to hide my shitty impulses or mask my mistakes.  My purpose in sharing this painful – and boring for many, I’m sure – experience is to let other people know what it’s really like on the inside, so that maybe they’ll be less afraid.

Part of that, for me, means revealing some of the selfish, petty thoughts that cross my mind as I sit in that chair and listen to a professional empathize with my husband.  Because if I tell you, and you’ve felt it too, then neither of us are alone anymore.  And there’s something infinitely less scary about knowing you’re not alone in your imperfection.

My point in this is not to scold Carrie in anyway.  She spoke her mind and she did it with sincerity and honesty and more than a hint of bravery, I think.

My point, rather, is to say that it’s OK to show your flaws.

I started off blogging because I wanted to be heard.  Most of my early posts are made of me trying to prove some point or another and desperately seeking approval and validation that I wasn’t getting at home.  I got it, of course, because the Internet is really good at building up people we don’t have to live with.

But somewhere along the way, my reasons for writing here changed.  It became less about proving I was right, and more about proving I was human.  More than that, it’s become about showing other people that hey, you’re human, too.  And that’s OK.

I’m not perfect.

And neither are you.

And it’s perfectly OK if everybody knows it.

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Comments

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  1. Maria says:

    Wait you’re not perfect??

  2. I’m pretty much the opposite of perfect, but when you combine the non-perfect w/ the awesome, I’m perfectly awesome.

    And you? Are brave.

  3. Hilly says:

    I prefer people who show their flaws. I’m damaged and imperfect and sometimes a little bit messy and ya know, I usually don’t trust people who can’t admit to having at least some level of imperfection too.

  4. A great, real and very brave post! Especially love where you wrote, “I’m not building a temple for people to come and worship me . . . “

  5. ClumberKim says:

    Yes, yes, YES!!!! You put that perfectly.

    The only thing I would add is that “some people are bitches sometimes.” I’d probably even make that “most people.” Hiding, on the internet or otherwise, is exhausting.

  6. lisagolden says:

    After that, of course, I don’t want to seem like a worshipful fan, but I do have to say that I love this post. We are all flawed. We can all try to do better and be better, but perfection? It’s a myth.

  7. I love this post. Everyone makes mistakes and it takes a big person to admit to them, especially like this. Watching your growth is truly inspiring.

  8. muskrat says:

    I embrace my perfection.

  9. avitable says:

    Wait.

    You’re not perfect? Then why did you sell me a copy of the book “Miss Britt’s Guide to Being Perfect” and the entire 148-part DVD series “Being Britt – The Only Way to Perfection”? Hm?

  10. Jennifer says:

    Perfect? You, nope don’t think so. You Britt are one of the most self-deprecating people I know (and by know, I mean not really or at all). I take umbrage with the “appalled” portion of the aforementioned comment. When I’m feeling particularly lousy about myself, or the way I handled a given situation, I re-read a few of Britt’s posts regaling the times where life handed her a bowl of shit and told her to make brownies. Very few bloggers (hi Hilly and hellohahanarf) have the balls to splay themselves on a regular basis as these three women do. I would bet a bundle on the fact that Britt never set out to be mean to Jared or belittle what they are going thru. While Britt is correct Miss Britt is not a fan site, I count myself as one. I’m sure it isn’t easy to write about sunshine and rainbows all the day long but exposing one’s fears and disappointments? That is next to impossible. Oh and by the way, “Some people are bitches” I think you may have found your catchphrase.

  11. Kristin says:

    Yup, you’re human. But may I say that you’re a grownup human who responded very well to a criticism? It would be so easy to fly off the handle and get all defensive (and well, that’s human too). So no, I won’t congratulate you on perfection but I will give you a high five for being a grownup :)

  12. NaysWay says:

    I think your blunt honesty is the reason I began following your blog in the first place. You don’t pull punches, but that’s what makes you real. It also shows YOU are the brave one, my friend. Not a lot of people are willing to pull off band-aids like you do (me included).

    Kudos to Carrie for speaking her mind, but reading personal blogs is a personal choice. Love it or leave it. Don’t poke at the bubble if you don’t want yours busted.

  13. whall says:

    It is by striving for perfection that we achieve excellence.


    This proverb is brought to you by the letter “P” and the number 7.

  14. sue says:

    The think I like about you is you say things I would like to say… in a much better way.

    Thanks for the honesty.

  15. Sybil Law says:

    Africkingmen.
    Although, your imperfections are pretty cute. ;)

  16. Sarah says:

    I agree with sue completely.

  17. Laurie says:

    Britt, I really admire you for sharing so much of your personal life on your blog. I think it is incredibly brave, whether you mean to be or not. I know I am not perfect either, and have tons of shitty things going on in my life right now too. I just cannot bring myself to write about them. Trust me when I say that it helps to read your words. You are so much more eloquent than I could ever wish to be.

  18. Lady Mama says:

    I agree with this so much. It seems like so often we forget it’s okay to make mistakes – we are human after all. Gawd I make them every day. Life is not perfect. To share the real stuff on your blog – that takes courage.

  19. Aunt Becky says:

    And this is why I love you. Because perfection is overrated.

  20. Finn says:

    Now this makes me wonder if I try to hide my imperfection. Hmmmmm.

  21. fuck yeah i ain’t perfect. hell, i probably spend too much time waving my fucked up flag than i should. maybe because i do love others to feel comfy around me. oun’t know. alls i know is i’m cool with being not perfect. (except in my dogs’ eyes…those boys worship me and think i am the greatest thing ever!)

  22. oh! 22 is my favorite number and look at my not perfect comment all being in the perfect spot. synchronicity is better than perfection any day!

  23. shit. did i use “synchronicity” correctly?

  24. I love it. This line seriously spoke to me,

    “We both know this, on some level, and yet if you take a tour around the Internet or the living rooms in your neighborhood, you’ll find elaborate dances being done to hide any sign of imperfection.”

    I find myself doing this when I speak to people in person, yet on my blog I try to be honest about the true struggles I face. I find the more I’m honest online, the more I’m being honest in person.

    But that first time, that first time you admit your life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows hurts. The second time though, it feels just the tiniest bit good.

  25. And this is why I totally fucking love you. I’ve spent a long time trying to be more comfortable in my own skin, and by reading your blog I’m learning even more about how to be okay with my imperfections. Even if it means picking my nose in front of my boyfriend.

  26. This is a really great post Britt…
    xo

  27. deb says:

    Been reading you forever and I want you to know that your bravery in sharing all of this has helped me. Has helped me not to be scared as my husband and I have made the trek to those two little chairs in our marriage counselors office. Thank you for making me less scared.

  28. You may not be perfect, but you ROCK!!!!!

  29. Bre says:

    Britt,
    I’m very thankful that you don’t spray Febreze on your blog- if the shit stinks, you air it out.
    This is why I love you.
    I can recall being *scared* to tell people that my parents were addicts and our home wasn’t all rose petals… I was scared of being rejected. I’m glad you’ve flipped the coin and set the tone for people to be ACCEPTED when the dysfunction parade comes to town.
    Thank you.
    Bre

  30. I don’t have the energy for “perfect” people. Show up in your pajamas, don’t shower before you arrive…I’ll love you more.

  31. abdpbt says:

    Well, some of us ARE building a temple for people to come worship us, so zip it, lady.

    Just kidding. I actually wish I felt like I had more freedom to write about my weaknesses, but so often they come out in the context of things I’ve agreed not to discuss on my blog with my husband. Fucking men.

  32. Lisa says:

    When I first read the post you referenced I caught what you said too, but it struck me differently. Instead of feeling like you were bitchy, I felt your pain at not also being called brave. We all have mean thoughts when we feel cornered and our flaws are being pointed out to us. I admire that you don’t sugar coat what you’re going through, even when it’s not as pretty as people usually like to present themselves.

  33. Tonz says:

    This is one of the reasons I come here every single day without fail.

    I’m not going to marriage counselling but I am seeing someone for my depression. I’ve had to be 100% honest about how I treat my partner because I’ve needed to see how I take it out on him…and sometimes it’s not very nice and hard to admit.

    Reading your blog reminds me that there are other people out there going through stuff too. It’s hard and not pretty.

    And I think a person that can show their weaknesses is a pretty strong person.

  34. I am certainly not perfect and I hate when people pretend that their lives are. I am not comfortable around these people. These people who say they have the perfect kids, relationship etc., for fucksake I don’t believe it.
    I love coming to this blog for the honesty. I ALWAYS appreciate and admire it.
    Yes you are flawed, as we all are.
    The very best wishes to you and your husband in this journey together.
    I love that you can admitt when you are wrong thats

  35. Fuck, I love you.

    Thank you for posting this. For a long while I was comfortable with just being me and letting it all hang out. Then I got caught up in worrying what people would think of me. That sucks.

    I love you. Thank you for reminding me why I started doing this in the first place.

  36. Darla says:

    You’re not perfect? I’m outta here.

    If I said I loved you, would you love me back?

    Oh and while I’m at it:

    There’s a hole in my bucket dear Liza, dear Liza, there’s a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a HOLE!

    I can’t get that out of my head, youuuuu”rrre welcome!

  37. Fantastagirl says:

    Oh Shit you make the bed before you shove dirty laundry under it? (I’ve just been shutting the door) NOW you tell me…

    Hugs….

  38. Rhonda says:

    I love this as well! You sharing your “shitty impulses” on your blog helps to validate my own shitty impulses. Life just plain sucks a lot of the time and if we cannot talk our way through it, while dragging a team of people with us, we would surely go insane. Thanks Miss Britt.

  39. Zoeyjane says:

    And THAT is why I wanted to sit beside you and talk about blogging.

    (as a side note, I totally forgot the – in your url and was all ‘ZOMG, she’s been hacked!’ for a grand total of two minutes. Then I calmed down and life returned to normal.)

  40. Your imperfection and realness (is that even a word) are the reason that your blog is always amazing. Who wants to read about perfect people and their perfect families all the time? I love that you lay it all out there – good, bad and ugly – for the world to see.

  41. Jennie says:

    Great, great post. I especially like the line, “The Internet is really good at building up people we don’t have to live with.” So true.

    Being frank about our flaws is the only way to come to terms with and accept them.

  42. Nadine says:

    Thank You so much Britt, for sharing your experiences in counselling, hearing about your adventures helps me to feel a bit better. My husband & I are in counselling as well for crappy stuff that I just can’t mention here, and I love that you can, and do, talk about it.
    On a different note: Do you feel that your therapist is giving major encouragement to your husband for any revelation that he shares at all?
    Arrgh! Needy, Party of 1…Needy, Party of 1…

  43. Al_Pal says:

    Yes. Embrace the humanity.

  44. Bettina says:

    I saw that part in the post as well, but interpreted it completely different. I thought it was a sign of you guys doing better, that you hear or think something and immediately tell yourself to share it with your husband later. To me, the post spoke about sharing inside jokes and renewning the connection you two have.

  45. racheal says:

    “And there’s something infinitely less scary about knowing you’re not alone in your imperfection.”

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