We pulled into the parking lot for our counseling appointment last week and I noted that our counselor’s car wasn’t there yet.
“Ohhh, shit,” Jared and I realized in unison that we had scheduled the appointment for a half an hour earlier than usual, and that we were late rather than a few minutes early.
We stood in front of the locked door to the building that housed her office and I flipped through my phone to try to find her number. I noticed a missed call from 40 minutes earlier. I called and she confirmed that she had long gone and we’d have to postpone our appointment until the next week.
“Is it stupid that I feel like crying?” I asked Jared.
“No. I mean, I kind of do too.”
We got back into my car and began to retrace the route we’d just completed.
“You wanna go do something instead?” he asked.
I sighed. “We asked Hilly to babysit so we could go to counseling. We can’t just leave the kids with her if we’re not where we said we’d be.”
“Damn,” he muttered.
“Want to stop and get ice cream on the way home?” I offered.
“You can’t eat ice cream,” he reminded me.
“No, but I could watch you eat it. I mean, I guess.”
“Really?” he perked up. “Would that make you feel better?”
“Would watching you eat ice cream that I can’t eat make me feel better? Hell no.” His face fell. “But I will!”
He smiled. Apparently knowing that I would was almost as good as actually getting to eat ice cream. We drove along in sulking silence for several minutes.
“Do you want to try to talk about some stuff on our own?” he asked, quietly, not really sure, I think, how he wanted me to answer.
“Yeah, um, no,” I chuckled. “I don’t think we’re really ready for that. And then we’ll have to call to tell her that the whole thing is off because I accidentally killed you the night we missed a session.”
“Or we’ll have to call and tell her that we did it on our own and we were so awesome that we fixed everything and now we don’t need her anymore,” Jared countered, “and that would just make her feel bad.”
“Exactly. That’s probably totally what would happen. Let’s not hurt the poor woman’s business.”
“Good idea.”
We drove along further, holding hands and silently agreeing to leave the big stuff alone for another week.
“Hey!” I piped up, “I might go to Africa in the spring!”
“What?”
“Yeah! There is this group of writers that I kind of got invited to maybe join to go to Africa and -”
“You? And Africa?” Jared was practically snorting from laughter.
“Listen, asshole, it’s for charity.”
“You have always said you have absolutely no interest in going to Africa.”
“Well, OK, fine,” I conceded, “but that was before I was going to go to Africa as part of a group of writers who were going to write about orphans and orphanages and help people. Now I am totally interested in going to Africa.”
“Why would you write about orphans?”
“It’s for a Christian organization that -”
His laughter was now impossible to talk over. “Oh that is even better. You would be perfect for them.”
“I know!”
“You’ll be all ‘these fucking bugs!’ And ‘I am HUNGRY! And I haven’t had anything to drink in fucking days!’ Oh, yeah,” he snorted again, “this is a great idea.”
“They would feed me, Jared.”
“Britt, you are scared of alligators. You won’t even camp in Florida because you’re afraid of getting eaten.”
“There aren’t any alligators in Africa!”
“No, there are lions!”
I rolled my eyes in the dark. “I’m not going to get eaten by a lion. Now you’re just being stupid.”
“I bet you more people get eaten by lions than alligators.”
“No way.”
“I’m going to look it up,” he pulled his iPhone out of his back pocket and started to google lions vs. alligator deaths while he continued to drive my car.
“OK! Fine! Lions eat people! Jeez. Watch the road.” He put his phone away and I continued to make my case. “It’s not like I’m going to be in a campground where lions can eat me.”
“So someone is going to pay you to go to Africa and write about orphans?”
“Um, well, no. Not exactly.” He raised an eyebrow. “Technically it costs about $3300.”
“You’re going to pay $3300 to go to Africa to write about orphans?” I was beginning to suspect he was mocking me.
“Noooo,” now was my chance to prove the how much sense this plan made, “it’s for charity. So you raise support for the mission.”
“You’re going to ask people to give you $3300 to go to AFRICA?!”
“Well -”
“What the hell? Why don’t you ask someone to give me $3300 to go to Spain!?”
“That is just -”
“Hey, I’ll bet you anything there are poor people in Spain! I’ll take pictures and you can write all about it. Poor, Poor, Poor People in Spain!” He began crafting headlines for me.
“You suck.”
“No, you know what, never mind,” I could see the wheels turning in his head. “Amsterdam,” he was triumphant.
“Who are you going to -”
“Hookers! There are so many hookers in Amsterdam! Yes! I’m going to start a fund – here, write this down, you can do it on your blog – we’re going to raise money to help the hookers in Amsterdam!”
“Jared, you cannot have sex with prostitutes and tell them that you’re saving them.”
“Means they’re not prostitutes anymore, doesn’t it?”
“Jared, seriously. You are -
“Genius! Fucking genius.” He reached over and patted my leg. “Thanks babe, this is a great idea. We’re going to do some real good here, I can tell.”
My marriage counselor owes some hookers in Amsterdam an apology.
It’s about time somebody stands up for the working girl. Way to go Jared!
@Dave2, I’ll be sure to give him your address for his forthcoming letter writing campaign.
Holy shit. Best laugh I’ve had all day.
@Howard, whew. It’s been a long time since anyone has said that HERE.
@Miss Britt, yeah I know you’ve had it rough lately. I have been reading, but you know what could I say to make it better. I figured I just send you mental support rather than trying to come up with something trite.
HAHAHAHA!! Too funny!!
@metalmom, those poor hookers.
You two kill me. At least you can laugh together after all you’ve been through.
@Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, I think even if we found ourselves in divorce court, we’d be laughing about something.
Those poor hookers!!!
So… where do I donate?
@NYCWD, STOP ENCOURAGING HIM!!
I can totally get behind this HookerRelief 2010 movement.
@Iron Fist, *sigh* You men are AWFUL!
I’ll be chuckling about this all day! Shitty that the appointment was missed but I’m glad you guys are committed to them (and each other)… XOXO
@Bre, at least we saved $90!
It’s not the lions that will eat you….it’s the Tigers.
@Robin, WHA?!?! Tigers?!?!
Now there’s a charity I’d contribute to.
@avitable, in the company’s name, no doubt.
@Miss Britt, for this charity? I’d totally dig into my own pocket, even.
I am so glad that you guys can laugh together after what you’ve been through.
@Kristin, dude, you’ve met us. It’s what we DO! lol
@Miss Britt,
Dude,
I’ve lived with you………I so know this is what goes on. Well technically Jared didn’t live with us, but there are times it sure seemed like it!
HA!!! that was great..Me and the Hubby have retarded conversations like that all the time….I remember that is the one thing i missed about us when we were apart. Keep laughing, its the best medicine
@stacy O, yeah, me too.
He is right you know. Great things can happen when you offer help to those who truly need it. Kind of like how I TOTALLY BELIEVE if I go to Italy to hold the hand of all those poor leather craftsmen who make PRADA handbags and then come home with a bunch, that they will be better off for knowing that someone REALLY cares. (and ok, I have no idea if those craftsmen are poor but for the sake of my arguement I must believe they are) Otherwise, my theory just doesnt work!!
Hallie
@Hallie, now THAT is a campaign I can get behind!
You totally could have went out. I was busy being Busta Rhymes, you know.
@Hilly, we might never have come back… he he he he
That Jared, man…he’s got some good ideas. Don’t see the need to go to Amsterdam, though. Whores are feeling the pinch here, too, what with the economy being what it is. Helping American whores helps American business.
And, yes, there are no alligators in Africa. But there are crocodiles. Know the difference? No one else does either. But they’re there and they’re just as mean.
@bo, actually, I DO know the difference. Crocodiles are MEANER, FASTER, STRONGER and MORE likely to eat people.
It would be awesome if you could go to Africa and help orphans,etc but I hear him with the bugs and the water and the lions. I’m not sure I could do it.
It scares me how much he sounds like my Tim with the mocking…
@melissa, tell Tim you are going to Africa and then report back, please.
Snakes. Africa has lots of big, bitey snakes. Don’t go unless the $3,300.00 includes fancy hotel rooms with wireless connections. You’re no good to the cause if you end up dead because some big snake crawled in your sleeping bag.
@perpstu, I am terrified of snakes.
Shit.
But what if the hookers don’t WANT to be saved? Will he spend the money on pot? Because maybe he needs a chaperone, you know, a woman to handle the money and negotiate the deals so he can concentrate on saving them. And then the woman can go hang out in a bar and get stoned out of her mind and eat fries with mayo and laugh at Jared trying to save the hookers.
I’d totally volunteer for that.
And stiffs? Was that a pun?
@Finn, You might need some help with that. I’ll go too, just in case.
@Finn, you? Are a giver. Really. I am floored by your generosity.
You guys RULE! Thats all I need to say.
@Me, please tell me you are not a prostitute from Amsterdam.
@Miss Britt, No I am not…. although sometimes when I am asleep… *giggle*
Geez Jared, I thought you wanted Britt to travel.
Clearly Jared doesn’t care about orphans.
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I know! He sucks!
Where in Africa? North Africa has crocodiles, and they are meaner than gators.
Tell Jared I’ll buy a T shirt. Maybe two.
@Faiqa, no I will NOT tell him that.
Unless you’re volunteering to send Tariq with him.
I’d contribute to that. I’ve often helped support college girls by “donating” a dollar here and a dollar there over the course of an evening. This would be a similar thing.
@Nobody, sounds like you should set up a scholarship fund and make that official.
@Miss Britt, Please – don’t encourage him.
Glad guys can laugh… laughing is always good!
This sounds just like a conversation that would happen at my house! Except we don’t have to go to Amsterdam because we have the Bunny Ranch.
@Lisa, oh great. Now he’s going to want to move to Nevada and make it a tax write off.
I must admit, Hookers in Amsterdam is a much more interesting charity.
@Robin, sex sells, I suppose.
@Robin, hahahhaa, I just got my own pun. MAN I AM FUNNY!
Hey Britt,
Don’t forget what I told you about treating your husband like a weisel! Treat him like the man he is and stop demanding that he fit into your world; try fitting into his from time to time, and you won’t need a Counselor.
Josie
@Josephine Perkins, thank you!! I have been waiting for YEARS for the answers!!
I am going to call my counselor RIGHT NOW and tell her that a) the word “counselor” is now a proper pronoun and she should edit her business cards and b) I will no longer be needing her services because an anonymous commentor on my blog FIXED EVERYTHING.
How can I ever repay you?
@Josephine Perkins, w-e-a-s-e-l…just sayin’.
@Josephine Perkins, umm…….did you and I read the same entry?
@Josephine Perkins,
Josie, you’re a bitch! That is all.
@Josephine Perkins, I’m with Hilly, w-e-a-s-e-l. Spell check, keeping douchey commenters from looking like even bigger asshats for decades.
@Josephine Perkins, I am not going to jump on the grammar nazi wagon, Josie. You obviously made those spelling and grammar mistakes purposefully so that your post would garner the attention it needs. Any intelligent person can see that. I don’t know what the other girls are thinking.
Anyway, I was thinking about what you said…you know, about Britt treating her husband like a weasel. I’ve owned weasels, Josie. Two of them. Laverne and Shirley. I had Kenickie too, but the girls ate his entrails when he spent too much time on the hamster wheel one day.
I think that if Britt just fed, bathed, played with and stroked Jared like I did with my weasels, they wouldn’t need a counselor! Talk between spouses is so overrated. All you really need to do together is lay in cedar chips and gnaw on some celery. If you can do that together, you can get through anything. I wish Britt knew this instead of wasting all that time and money on a counselor.
I was thinking there should be legislation…that every woman should own a weasel prior to getting married. She should have to pass an exam, both oral and written, with regard to caring for that weasel. If the weasel population becomes a little low, beavers make a nice substitution. I hear they are pretty handy with wood, which is a coincidence, since many husband sport wood. See the connection?
Anyway, thanks for stopping in and straigtening Britt out. I’ve been trying to tell her the same thing for years…but she just doesn’t get it.
I wish there were more people like you in the world!
@CP, I wish more people would make beaver & wood correlations. The world just seems like a happier place now. Or is that just the 12 year old boy in me?
Now, where do I sign to get that little piece of legislation passed?
@Josephine Perkins, SSSSOOOOOO wish I would have had your advice 4 years ago. If I jumped into my ex’s world I would have been a cheater and liar like him. Damn…your advice could have saved my marriage.
I volunteer to help Finn look after Jared. It would be a real sacrifice to have to go to Amsterdam, but I’m willing to take one for the team…
PS @josephPerkins I am eagerly awaiting your self-help book, since CLEARLY you are a highly educated/experienced relationship-fixer guy, who needs to share his wisdom with the world. Clearly.
@thepsychobabble, you guys are the most generous bunch on the Internet. Seriously.
HHH used to be a male stripper back in his hey day, (no lie!) and I am sure he would like Jared to put a good word in for the male prostitutes as well, (which he wasn’t, he promised me!) just to be fair!!!
@Blondefabulous, hahahahahhahahahahaha, I’ll be sure to remind Jared that he has to save them ALL.
The whole idea of hookers in Amsterdam gives new insight into the phrase “going Dutch.”
Hey… there’s a good name for Jared’s charity: The Going Dutch Foundation.
@SwanShadow, marketing. genius.
Wait – are people in Amsterdam Dutch??
I am not going to jump on the grammar nazi wagon, Josie. You obviously made those spelling and grammar mistakes purposefully so that your post would garner the attention it needs. Any intelligent person can see that. I don’t know what the other girls are thinking.
Anyway, I was thinking about what you said…you know, about Britt treating her husband like a weasel. I’ve owned weasels, Josie. Two of them. Laverne and Shirley. I had Kenickie too, but the girls ate his entrails when he spent too much time on the hamster wheel one day.
I think that if Britt just fed, bathed, played with and stroked Jared like I did with my weasels, they wouldn’t need a counselor! Talk between spouses is so overrated. All you really need to do together is lay in cedar chips and gnaw on some celery. If you can do that together, you can get through anything. I wish Britt knew this instead of wasting all that time and money on a counselor.
I was thinking there should be legislation…that every woman should own a weasel prior to getting married. She should have to pass an exam, both oral and written, with regard to caring for that weasel. If the weasel population becomes a little low, beavers make a nice substitution. I hear they are pretty handy with wood, which is a coincidence, since many husband sport wood. See the connection?
Anyway, thanks for stopping in and straigtening Britt out. I’ve been trying to tell her the same thing for years…but she just doesn’t get it.
I wish there were more people like you in the world!
@CP, I kind of want a weasel now.
So, only hookers in Amsterdam are worthy of assistance? What about the hookers in Vegas, or Atlanta, or Pittsburgh? Domestic hookers aren’t good enough for Jared’s assistance?
What a sham.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter,
You know the phrase “Think Globally, Act Locally”
Jared should be supporting the local hookers down on Orange Blossom Trail in Orlando.
He could be home in time for dinner.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, it’s like he’s a Republican or something.
first the post and then the comments. i’m laughing so hard.
and no, i have nothing to add to the conversation except yeah…people get eaten by lions. but i’m assuming the same about hookers too.
@melissa, hahahahaha
BEWARE THE MAN EATING HOOKERS!
I’ve been following you (a little obsessively) for several days now… and I definitely want to hear your take on Africa, so I think you should go there, not Amsterdam, since clearly your husband has the corner on that charity! Thanks for your posts – love them.
@Susie, thanks for the vote! Heh.
It’s not the lions or crocs you gotta watch out for in Africa. It’s the freaking hippos! They are WAAAY more deadly than either lions or crocs and they’re vegetarians…that means they are super badasses, they do it for the fun not for a meal.
P.S. That Josie is a douche.
@E, ok, that’s it. You people have officially scared me into my bedroom.
It’s not lions, or crocodiles or tigers that you need to fear, it’s the Black Mamba. It’s a snake, it’s highly venomous, and it will strike multiple times in a row. Death is near instantaneous, and just about guaranteed. It is the lecture you will receive almost everywhere you go. It’s the lecture that scared the crap out of me. Stick with the Masai, they fear nothing…
@Nyt, what the hell are Masai???
I do not approve. Totally on Britt’s side.
Sorry, Jared.
@Poppy, FIINALLY! SOMEONE!
I’ve been reading your blog for quite a long time. I have to say I’m glad you are sharing all sides of what a marriage goes through. I went through a difficult divorce last year and it just makes me smile that so far… your marriage counseling is going well. I truly enjoy reading your blog, Britt
~A
@A, thank you.
I think his idea could really sell. Heh.
@sizzle, noooooooooooooooo!!1
See all the nifty crap you can learn about each other while not going to the counseling appointment? That is just funny as hell, hey wait… maybe Jared really could save all the hookers in Amsterdam. I’m just kidding, I could just see C and I heading down this same road with our conversations!!
Oh, and btw, I work as a grievance officer in a 1,100 man prison. Since you asked in your last response on the other page.
@Becca, please take me off the list of “people to call to take your place at work”.
I would not do well in prison. Not even as an employee.
LOL, tell you what, you come and visit me in South Africa (I DO share a house with my three kids, three pet snakes, two chameleons, two bearded dragons, two dogs – we used to have rabbits, but they really DO “breed like rabbits” so I gave them away to the bunny park)and I’ll send my hubby to Amsterdam to keep Jarred company.
PS Your dialogue really gave me some good insights into my own marriage. Keep it up.
@Michelle, do they shoot at people in South Africa?
This is like “Gary Unmarried” meets “The Adventures of the New Christine”. You two are hilarious – in a grim and unfunny sort of way. I mean – you ARE funny – your situation is the grim and unfunny part – you know – having gotten to the point where a marriage counselor is part of the picture. It’s good that you two are more interested in saving your marriage than tearing it apart – and if you can keep the humor going – you actually stand a chance. I hope so.
@lceel, we are not grim and unfunny! I mean, ok, sometimes.
You know, I think a lot of marriages get to the point of needing a counselor as part of the picture. And some get to that point and get a counselor – and some don’t.
I’m just grateful to have one, at this point.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you guys had fun without your marriage counselor!