I always feel insanely narcissistic when I do an update on “how I’ve been” or “what I’ve been up to”.
And I’m a blogger. So that’s saying something. (Because we are inherently narcissistic, I mean.)
But, well, LOOK! BULLET POINTS! ON HOW I’VE BEEN!
(Because I am narcissistic and too lazy for sentence structure.)
0) Hilly and I took my kids to see Disney On Ice in Orlando on Friday. Emma loved the princesses. Devin was disgusted by the fact that he could figure out how all of the special effects were. Hilly and I were brow beaten with the fact that you cannot be a princess without a prince.
0) A woman going through a divorce and a woman going through a separation should probably avoid all things Disney and happily ever after. At all costs.
0) Speaking of costs, my children were severely pissed that I did not buy $10 popcorn, $15 snow cones, or $22 souvenirs. Apparently, having gotten the tickets for free meant I was supposed to spend money on something, or the evening NEVER HAPPENED.
0) You better believe I set my daughter straight on that whole you cannot be a princess without a prince crap.
0) And it is, in fact, crap. I’m making my daughter reread Princess Bubble
0) I have absolutely no recollection of Saturday occurring. I probably cleaned something.
0) Speaking of cleaning – I’m kind of obsessed with keeping my house clean lately. I’m all over FlyLady.net and shining my sink.
0) It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to draw the line from life in chaos to let’s clean the damn house at least.
0) I’m pretty sure every time Jared walks into this house now he thinks “OH! SURE! NOW SHE GETS IT!”
0) Except for on Sunday. Sunday when Jared walked into this house (or, at least, out of this house), I’m pretty sure he was thinking “JESUS, RAVING BITCH MUCH?”
0) I was a total and complete asshole to Jared on Sunday. He’s all “OH! Look at me! I’m taking up hobbies and finding myself!” and I was all “FUCK YOU FOR NOT HAVING TO DO LAUNDRY!”
0) No, the two are not related. I know. My assholishness was completely unwarranted and needed to be apologized for.
0) I did, in fact, apologize. Therapy is a good thing.
0) Monday I woke up to crazy text messages from my mom that were, well, um… not nice.
0) At the risk of speaking for her, the gist of it was “PLEASE DEAR GOD DO NOT FUCK UP YOUR LIFE BY BEING AN ASSHOLE.”
0) Except what she really meant was “Dear God I love you and do not want you to hurt.”
0) While the first part of Monday sucked while I waited to actually talk to my mom, the talking to my mom was very, very good.
0) By the way, do not send text messages to people and then be unavailable for several hours. Not. Cool. My new motto is: don’t start a fight you don’t have the time or energy to finish.
0) I’m totally OK with telling the Internet this because a) I already told my mom this and b) I do it all the time. We all do. And we all need to knock it the fuck off, because it’s not. cool.
0) But back to the personal and intimate conversations between a mother and a daughter – mom and I are good. Really good.
0) BUT! More importantly! Talking to her made me stand up for myself and my decisions and say, out loud, the things that I have been working on. Her fear did not diminish my faith in myself – and that’s a pretty big deal. Because, you know, she’s my mom.
0) Therapy is really, really good. Seriously. Everyone should get some.
0) I need a code name for my therapist. I probably said “my therapist said” 20 times to Faiqa this weekend. It was obnoxious. I’m going to start lying and saying “my neighbor said” or “my cat said” or “I was talking to my 4 year old about my marriage and she reminded me that”… because all of those things are less obnoxious than “my therapist said”.
0) OH MY GOD! FAIQA!
0) So, um, on Saturday? I did not clean. I spent about 6 hours at Faiqa’s house having lunch, holding her baby, and talking to her about everything under the sun.
0) And then two days later I wrote a post and said “Saturday pretty much didn’t happen.”
0) This is why people are dying to be friends with me. Clearly.
But did you eat her baby? Or lick him? That’s the important question here.
@avitable, I did not at any point put any part of that baby into my mouth.
Technically.
OMG. Um. *snerk* and *giggle*?
Yes. Therapy is good. Talking to mom is good.
Yay bullet points.
@Al_Pal, now I need the definition of “snerk”.
@Miss Britt, I’d say *snerk* is a lot like *snicker*, with a dash of *snort* thrown in.
SO, hooray, laughter.
I love it when people say “My therapist said” because that’s free therapy for me, and I need all I can afford and then some. Plus, it shows they are working on their shit and don’t expect me to do so for them. What a novel treat. Thumbs up for therapy!
Or say “My new luv-ah said…” That would work, too.
@Deb on the Rocks, right. That’s exactly what a woman separated from her husband should say. LOL
I very much enjoyed this. And I don’t think you’re conceited for updating– people read this for a reason, right?
@Bre, I suppose that’s true!
I call my therapist “the head shrinker” to people that don’t know (or don’t need to know) that I see one. But considering that I just told you what I call my therapist on your blog (that everyone reads), I guess my secret’s out….hee!!
@Robin, wait a minute – doesn’t EVERYONE in the world pretty much know that “head shrinker” means therapist??
I wish there wasn’t a few hundred people between us on Friday night because I really wanted to see you guys.
Don’t feel like your the only parent that didn’t buy your kids anything. We also walked out of there souvenir-less. I’m allergic to $15 popcorn I guess.
Let’s get together again soon. <3
@Shash, too bad we weren’t closer – our kids could have commiserated about how horrible we were!
You need to get a copy of the Paper Bag Princess and alternate it with Princess Bubbles. Princess saves herself and then pretty much calls the prince a jerk. I loved it so much as a kid that I waited in line for four hours at a bookstore to get a copy signed by the author and illustrator a few years ago.
@sassymonkey, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that one. Will look for it now… thanks!
What about calling your therapist Fillula?
@SciFi Dad, Fillula… that DOES have a nice ring to it!
Mums are great for telling you things you need to hear with subtle meaning of I love you anyway underneath.
@Vic, yeah, that’s true.
does “my therapist” have a name? like jill or lucy or some shit? call her that!
i’m totally jealous about spending a day talking to faiqa and holding her baby. totally. jealous!
glad you got shit straightened out with your mudder. way to stand your ground yet make things right with her. yay, you!
fuck disney and their need a prince crap. i’m a princess! (now i might need to go read that book you mentioned. hmmmm.)
@hello haha narf, Nancy. Her name is Nancy.
True friend won’t care that you hung out with them and then forgot. Real friendship can withstand an occassional asshat moment!!
I am so glad I had boys and they NEVER wanted to go to any of those ON ICE things. Of course, I would have KILLED to NOT go to the Monster Truck thing I suffered through 10 years ago. Now THAT sucked donkey balls!
Hallie
@Hallie, I am SO glad my son would rather die than go to Monster Trucks! LOL
I wasn’t as annoyed by the perky princess lore as much as I was baffled. I mean really? Didn’t the Disney on Ice people KNOW we were coming?
@Hilly, DON’T THEY KNOW WHO WE ARE?!?!
Fun, when that short term memory goes to hell in a handbasket, isn’t it? Just wait until you get older and you run into people who are royally pissed at you and you have NO IDEA why. And I’m sure Faiqa will forgive the small lapse. You did, after all, finally remember.
@lceel, I think forgetting why people are pissed at you sounds like a blessing. LOL
What about all those royal girls born into royal families? Not princesses?! Disney FAIL.
I’d rather be queen, anyway.
Give your therapist a name, like, “Ryan Reynolds”, or something.
When things get chaotic for me, I totally clean. It’s that one portion of my life I can control. I love it – it’s immediate gratification!
Moms kick ass. (That means you do, too.)
@Sybil Law, hahahah – yes “So, Ryan Reynolds told me…”
At least your kids would have eaten normal snow cones. My daughter, she of limited taste buds, likes them “plain.” Yep — I pay for a cup of shaved ice sans syrup.
@always home and uncool, wow. You are a much better parent than I am.
I called my therapist “my nice lady”.
Princess Bubbles sounds good, but then I read the God part. I’ll take Paperbag Princess, thanks.
@bad mummy, there’s a God part? I don’t remember that specifically.
But, I’m not anti-God either. So there’s that.
Buwhahahahaha! You know why I’m laughing? Because it was SUNDAY, honey. On another note, those wonderful hours on Sunday proved to me that there’s a very good reason people are dying to be friends with you. Actually, a hundred good reasons. Maybe even more…
@Faiqa,
oh
my
God.
*SIGH*
*head hanging in shame*
I wrote a whole thing out but sometimes you blog rejects me, this does not help my blogging therapy.
Here is the part I wrote that I can remember:
Therapy is something everyone should do, I’ve done it a lot. I would it more right now but I’m afraid to take on anything that costs money when I know it will diminsh very very soon. Instead I use blogging for therapy right now, which I know is not quite the same.
@Robin, the cost is a bitch. It’d be great if good therapy was free. Or cheap.
Yes, thereapy is good. And good for you for taking that route. Marriage counseling is wonderful, too. It’s tough shit to go through at the time, but it kept our marriage together at 18 years and now we’re about to celebrate #27.
@Bonnie B., I have heard a lot about marriage counseling.
Sounds like a good time at Disney On Ice irregardless of a lack of overpriced popcorn.
However I’m deeply interested in this therapist who induces cleaning behaviour. Perhaps you should call them “The Saint”. Cleaning is never high on my priority list as the penicillin in the pot I washed on Saturday shows… so can I get a referral?
@NYCWD, ohhhh the cleaning came before the therapist.
Princesses don’t need any stinking princes to make them awesome. Queen Elizabeth I was a rockstar. Tell Emma about her!
@perpstu, OOOH!! Good idea!!
So here’s my takeaway from this:
1. I do NOT need a prince to be a princess, although I probably at least need one Jewish parent. Or an Italian father. Oh… I have one of those!
2. Jared has discovered the laundry fairy and apparently is not sharing her whereabouts.
Because that’s the kind of awesome friend I am.
@Finn, EXACTLY!
I had a really good conversation with my mom yesterday, too. Moms rock.
@Elizabeth Kaylene, they do. Not all, but most, and definitely mine. (And yours.
)
I was all over the fly lady.
But this morning I told my best friend that the fly lady could fuck herself.
I felt really bad about that.
ANYWAY.
I’m glad you’re doing okay, whatever that means for you right now.
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), I don’t do full blown FlyLady – but a lot of it has helped.
I like it when you say fuck a lot. It makes me really happy.
And maybe you could make the code name for your therapist, “my bottle of tequila”. It would make for REALLY interesting conversation: “Well, my bottle of tequila said…”
@Notesfromthegrove, Love. Love. Love.
“My bottle of tequila says I’m doing remarkably well, actually.”
hahahahhaa
Love.
Please note: In the future, when you go to Faiqa’s house to love on her baby, please e-mail me and let me know so that I may instruct you on how many times to kiss him from me. Thank you.
And? You should, from now on, call Saturday “Faiqaday.” That is all!
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, noted and will do!
Ahh, the joys of parental and spousal relationships. I’m glad you worked things out with your mom. I had a similar exchange with my mom on Saturday…well, except my mom doesn’t know how to text. She just knows how to tell me that my kids are horrid little trolls who are out to kill her and that I’m a horrible mother at which point I asked her to leave and canceled her birthday brunch because I don’t want my trolls to ruin her day.
Oops. This was supposed to be about supporting you and I made it about me. Yep. Bloggers are narcassists. Check.
@Nancy from Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, yikes. Did your day get better from there??
Being overly clean just means you feel out of control in other aspects of life.
Which is perhaps why my home is so messy.
I cannot even handle when it’s too clean, my head hums.
Princesses don’t need princes. Maybe Prince, but not princes.
@Poppy, Prince.
Exactly.
Man, that song “Someday my Prince will come” just took on a whole new meaning for me…
Dude. Princesses are BETTER without princes. PERIOD. Also? You rule. That is all.
@Aunt Becky, hahhahahaha, I love your “I don’t hate men” disclaimer.
But, Princesses are certainly worthy all on their own.
Oh, that’s not to say that I hate men or anything, because I totally don’t.
You should visit Iowa. I have a house you can clean here.
@Nobody, yes. Um. Be right there. Just a minute…
Not sure if you’ve read this post or not, but it’s one of my favorite (and, like most…i mean, all…of my stories, it’s true):
http://fathermuskrat.com/2008/11/16/a-princess-needs-a-prince-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle/
@muskrat, *sigh*
Love.
Love.
Love.
Thanks for sharing it with me. And with her.
We should all pitch in to pay for your therapy because ‘you’ are ‘our’ therapy which saves us money so we should be paying for your therapy.
@Rhonda, that’s a really good idea! Okay, Missy Britt – where’s that PayPal button on your sidebar to pay for your therapy, huh? Because we KNOW you would share the therapist’s advice with us and we’d all benefit from that.
Hey Britt, just been catching up as I’ve been sort of MIA from the blogging world since BlogHer (talk about ironic) because of my own life changes (good changes, I think, though).
I’m glad my girlie is into the Princess thing primarily because she loves the wand, the crown and dressing up and how it makes her feel royal and pretty – she couldn’t give a crap about the prince part of it
. And that’s okay by me.
I’m sorry to hear about your separation – only for the sadness associated with it. It sounds like it was completely necessary for you in order to move forward in your life, honestly, and that is so important. Glad you have a good therapist too. Wishing you and your family the best …
Uh, weird and inappropriate placement of the smiley – WTH? Sorry about that!
you sound like a completely different woman, britt. you have changed (read:grown) immensely since we first met. the therapy is working well for you. i’m happy you found a place of freedom and release. you deserve that and so much more.
When others (like your mom) are voicing their doubts and you’re still standing strong, it means you’re truly doing what’s right for you.
And dammit, I wish the whole line from ‘my life is in chaos’ to ‘lets clean the house’ worked for me. Instead I’m getting more ‘my life is in chaos so why bother doing the fucking dishes or cooking???’.
It’s always nice to apologize for your assholiness, even if in the moment it seemed justified (and to me, the hobbies/laundry bit DID seem justified, in a somewhat twisted way).
A couple of bullet points:
-As a general rule, I hate bullet points.
-As a general rule, you’re bullet points kick every other person’s bullet pointed list’s ass.
-When you wrote ‘assholishness’ I read ‘assholiness’ and now I can’t decide which word I like better.
Princesses don’t need princes, but if they want them, it’s only for personal pleasure (like running errands, fanning).
Love the bullet points. They look like hollow tip…
I think your remark was warranted, but nice of you to apologize anyway.
Why is it when I move my cursor over “Jared” it says “my poor husband”? Did he lose all his money???