The time has come for me to start my own cult.

I don’t know how it happened.  I certainly wasn’t looking for it.  But I woke up this morning to find that I had 2,000 followers looking to me to lead them.

I mean, clearly that has to be it.

I don’t even know 2,000 people – but I’m pretty sure that most cult leaders don’t actually know all of their members.  Cult leaders cannot be expected to keep up with daily minutiae and relationships and stuff when they have to be figuring out how to save the world.

Wait.

Is that what cult leaders do?

I don’t think I want my cult to be a “save the world” cult.  That seems like a lot of work.  Plus, people who try to save the world always end up dead or nailed to a cross or something.  And I don’t like needles.

I think my first job as cult leader should be to create a manifesto.  Except that “manifesto” sounds like a whole lot of typing and complete sentences and you’re probably not supposed to start sentences with “and” in a manifesto.

Scratch the manifesto idea.

That image isn’t actually relevant to this post at all.  I’m just trying to keep you up to date on what’s going.  I think communication is key in any good cult.

The first order of business obviously needs to be explaining to my family that I am a cult leader now.  Those fuckers never take me seriously.  (Also, no one else in the cult is allowed to call my family members “fuckers”.)  Someone is going to have to explain to them that I am important.  I think the best way to illustrate this point is to get a cult member to do their laundry and cook their meals.  But not one of the crazy cult members.  I have a responsibility to my children to make sure they are only cared for by the more sane followers, I think.

And clearly it’s important to me to be a good mother.

I want to show other cult leaders that you can have it all.

Cults are supposed to have a dress code.  As cult leader, I’m pretty sure I get to make up the uniform.

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Attention Followers:

Everyone Has To Wear Hats!

Underwear is Optional.

Unless You Have A Penis And Are Wearing Something With A Zipper, Or Are On Your Period.

This Is A Blood Free Cult.

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Whew.  Now we have that out of the way…

…

…

Being a cult leader is not near as cool as it sounds.  I still have to go make my own pot of coffee when I’m done writing this post.  And my daughter is still bugging me about “how long until we do laundry?  Today?”  And no one is sitting at my feet or fanning me or feeding me strawberries.

And the potential customer who just called me on my work phone while I was trying to write this was not at all impressed with my cult leader status.  Nor were they interested in donating to my Hats 4 Cults fund.  Fuckers.  (Please feel free to call my clients and potential customers “fuckers”.  But only if you’re part of the cult.)

Oh, fuck that noise.

I’ve officially lost interest in having a cult.