And if not here, then where?

Monday, August 3rd, 2009

This is one of those days when I wish I had an anonymous blog.

Or that I was better at faking it.

I know people who do it.  They put on a happy face and pretend like nothing is wrong.  They dance for their quarters because it’s what is expected of them.  And they do it so convincingly that you would never guess that they were anything less than sincere.

They don’t make waves.

They don’t hurt people’s feelings.

They act on things like logic and reason.

I think about things like logic and reason, and  I act on instinct and feeling.  I write on emotion.

I write to work through the emotions.  Without the words, they latch on to my insides and twist and turn, trying to find their way to the light.  I can’t breathe or think straight until they are out of me.

But today, there is no place for them to go.

Everything I’m thinking is wrong.  Everything I’m feeling is under the microscope, waiting to be analyzed.  My emotions, today, are not my own.  They are the catalyst to someone else’s emotions.  They are the reason you feel what you feel.  They have to be monitored, kept in check, for fear of them causing hurt elsewhere.

My hands are tied.  My lungs are bound.

I want so badly to cut the ties and run to a space where I can just be.

Where I can feel with no remorse.

Where I can breathe.  Freely.

But today, this is not that space.

  1. Maria says:

    Oh lady.

    It’s so hard to be restricted when it comes to writing. When writing can be such a natural outlet.

    I’m sorry you can’t talk it out here. Sending you love anyway.

  2. Kris says:

    Aw hon. If you’re writing for YOU, then there are no worries. If they don’t like what they read, they can click the x in the corner. KWIM?

    Hang in there. Tomorrow’s a new day. (((HUGS)))

  3. NaysWay says:

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one. My husband just asked me if I’d think about creating a private, anonymous blog for the very reasons you list above. I especially love the days I want to talk junk about my mother, who also just happens to frequent my site.

  4. Kim says:

    “They put on a happy face and pretend like nothing is wrong.”

    Me too. But the mask is starting to hurt more than why I put it on. But I am afraid to take it off and lose my new identity, because without my old one, I don’t know who I am.

    I hope you find your “be” space. And me, and everyone else we know that needs it.

    I hope we turn it into our “me” space.

    With this, our “we” / blog / friend space, waiting for us when we are ready.

  5. Lynette says:

    Boy oh boy, do I know what you mean. I was just thinking that exact thing earlier…which I’m dying to spew, but know that I can’t. Sucks big fat hairy ones.

  6. Kris says:

    Britt, I know you don’t know me that well, but if you feel like emailing, please do. I’m a good listener. And I’ve got big shoulders to cry on if need be.

    ~K

  7. Something happened at BlogHer, and I lost a dear friend. And I can’t write about it, at all, because it’s not possible to do it in an anonymous way. So I feel for you, hon.

    I really do.

    T.

  8. Kay says:

    Aww, Britt… just sending you a hug, because I know that restricted feeling totally sucks. These places that are supposed to be completely “ours” just aren’t, not if anyone we know actually reads them.
    How about posting on someone else’s blog, kind of a guest anonymous post? Somewhere you can pour it all out, without worrying about who is reading it – because you’d have control over who you gave the link to?
    I’m working on setting something like that up on my own blog for anyone who needs it – whether it’s anonymously or not (it’s there, but I just haven’t done anything with it yet cuz I’m lazy).
    The space is yours if you want it.
    After awhile, the mask starts pinching your face and slowly strangling you – I know.
    Hope it all gets better for you :)

  9. Al_Pal says:

    Awww. *hugs*

  10. Shash says:

    I’m here if you need to talk. C’mon over.

    Love you. xoxo

  11. Everything will be okay.

    (That actually works on me better than you’d think. I hope it works on you.)

  12. Hockeyman says:

    There’s always an anonymous guest post elsewhere just to vent. I think your first problem though is dancing for quarters. Seriously, we passed 2000 9 years ago. I think even the gumball machines at the grocery stores take dollars now. If your still dancing for quarters it’s time to find a new bar!

  13. Robin says:

    I can’t pretend, I’m an open book, always have been. Sometimes I think it’s good and sometimes I think it’s detrimental.

  14. if you haven’t got anything nice to say, sit next to me.

    xoxo

  15. I know the feeling. I’m not as flamboyantly out as you are but having the few people in my life being able to read my blog whenever they want to is kinda stifling at times.

  16. Jared says:

    “I say hurl. If you blow chunks and he comes back, he’s yours. But if you spew and he bolts, then it was never meant to be.”

  17. Sometimes I feel that way too :o(

  18. Faiqa says:

    I have no problem being in that space if you need me. Just so you know.

  19. I keep dealing with this exact sort of thing, and even though I try to be as real as possible, some things you just feel that you can’t write about — at least not publicly. And it sucks, because having that unconditional feedback and support for whatever is going on feels so nice, and when you can’t get it you miss it.

    I hope things get better. Hang in there. *hugs*

  20. Sometimes I feel the same way. There are days when it sucks to be out with your blog, but the good outweighs the bad I think. If you need a place to vent, you are more than welcome to use my blog for an anonymous post. There are definitely days when I could use a place to let it all hang out!

  21. perpstu says:

    (((HUGS))) This is exactly why I keep my blog mostly anonymous. Except for my husband, none of my family members know it exists and only 6 of my RL friends do. It is so liberating!

    I hope you find an outlet to release your feelings soon….

  22. I’ve thought of starting a separate blog under a bogus name for that very reason. Some days I just need to let loose…but I never know who might be reading.

  23. I feel for you, sweetie. You really DO need to get into Fr. Muskrat’s bag and get here ASAP.

    Hugs.

  24. I’m one of those people that hold it all in for fear of making waves…I so know how that feels…it sucks! BIG ((hugs))

  25. Sybil Law says:

    Nothing more irritating and frustrating than not being able to say what you want or NEED to say.
    Hope it gets better soon.

  26. Kirsten says:

    I definitely know the feeling. I used to be more open and revealing on my blog, but since I met my husband, I censor myself a lot. I have a hard time talking, and would rather write it out, but he doesn’t want to read it on my blog before we’ve talked about. And a lot of the feelings are fleeting… or at least on a monthly loop.

  27. Aaron says:

    you can always talk to me kitten, I’d hate to think you feel like you’re going through anything alone :( hug

  28. You’re always welcome to come “be” at my blog if you need a space where you can be anonymous and honest. I completely know how you feel.

    Hugs.

  29. Poppy says:

    I don’t know what you’re going through specifically, but there have been MANY times where I couldn’t write my thoughts and feel safe in putting it out there. I thought that would all change after the divorce, but so many of my emotions are tied with my friends’ and family’s experiences, and they read my blog.

    For one whole post I wrote on an “anonymous” blog a letter to a family member because I just needed to get it out of me and into the world… and then I closed that blog.

    Dunno what to say to make it better.

  30. hey, look at all the peeps who love you? see their kind comments above mine? all is well in brittville…you just didn’t realize at the time you hit “publish.” but you do now, right? right? good.

  31. Deeeeeep breaths, my Britt-ster. Deep breaths.

    Remember what you said at BlogHer? During your panel? About having that accountability? Because the anonymous blog can get one into trouble? Because it becomes a blog of negativity? Remember?

    I’m your voice of reason here. You’re OK. It will be fine. And you can write about it, just write about it in a notebook. Get it out. Put it in your panties drawer. It’s out but not harming anyone and you can still go back later and read it. And it’s still yours but it’s still anonymous but it’s still not hurting anyone.

    So there you go. And I love you.

  32. RebTurtle says:

    Bummer. Unfortunately Coal Miner’s Granddaughter is right. I’ve seen anonymous blogs go bad (I know you have too), so it’s better to vent it some other way. I’ll be happy to bring a mop if your head explodes – ’cause that’s what friends are for. ;)

  33. Hilly says:

    I know that I am late to this party however, MY GOD do I understand how you feel. There’s this price we seem to pay for being the kind of bloggers that are extremely personal and write whatever is sitting heavily on our chests. On the flip side, some of the most important things don’t get released into the PRB because we have friends, family or hey, even ex husbands reading everything, making us accountable for it later.

    I’m having a hard time blogging at all lately because I feel stifled like this all of the time. I am sorry you could not put that crap from the other night out there when you wanted to.

  34. Crystal says:

    God, what timing. Coming from someone who’s had the ever-loving shit kicked out of her the past few days for being too open about too many things, I can say that I completely understand. HOWEVER…I wouldn’t trade the knowledge of knowing that my being so open has helped people. That, if nothing else, makes the vicious emails and comments worth it. Barely. But it does.

    But you have to do what’s right for you. Period. If nothing else, write it, save it in drafts and then keep it there. You may find that a week from now, it doesn’t feel the need to be free quite so much.

    And if it involves people in your life that you may end up hurting, that’s a tough call. But, again, it’s yours. And you might be surprised how much support you get….

    lots of support from here

    and love

    Crystal

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