Miss Britt Goes To BlogHer And Makes An Ass Of Herself: Part One.

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

First let me say that any and all BlogHer recaps here will be woefully short on the pretty pictures, because one of the very first things I did in Chicago was drop and break my point and shoot camera.

Y’all are stuck with having to read real and actual words.  Sorry.

SO – Wednesday morning I woke up earlier than I do for a normal work day because I had a 2:30pm plane to catch and OH MY GOD I CANNOT JUST LAY IN THIS BED AND WAIT ANYMORE.  I was, let’s say, excited.

I was decidedly nervous, but I was also thrilled to be going to Chicago – a city that I love – and BlogHer – a conference I watched from afar last year.  I couldn’t wait to see my friends and all of the people I was just sure would run up to me and say “Hey, I know you!  I read your blog!  You should totally get out of that corner and come sit by me and we will be BFFs all weekend long!”  Because I am nothing if not a realist.

I am also, it seems, someone who relies on elementary blogging techniques like ending sentences in italics.

ANYway.

Adam and I finally landed in Chicago around 4:30 and caught a cab to the Sheraton hotel.  We unloaded our suitcases and headed for the hotel bar, where met my very first woman who I would come to fall even more in love with over the course of the weekend.  You may call her Kelly.  Kelly was busy having a drink with a long time reader and gave us a hug before very tactfully giving us the “I will get to you in a minute once I am done with my conversation” look.

I ran for the bar and ordered a shot of vodka and a bottle of water to mix with my Crystal Light to go packets.

On my way back to the bar, a very lovely woman walked up to me and said  “Hi, are you Avitable?”  A few minutes later I realized she was not, in fact, talking to me – but to the big hairy man beside me.  He shook her hand and she raved about how much she loved his blog.  She looked at me and smiled before returning to join her friend at their table.

And that was first of 386 times that Avitable outshined me at BlogHer.

True story.

My delicate ego is still recovering.  And by recovering, I mean, I am reminding him constantly that he might be a big deal on the Internet, but I have a motherfucking soul and am, therefore, more special to God.

It gets a little fuzzy here.  I’m not sure when I met Maria, but I suspect it was right there in that bar, standing and waiting for Kelly to finish her drink.  It’s hard to pinpoint when you met someone who instantly became part of your go-to safety circle and made you feel like you’d known them forever.  I remember Casey was there in the bar with us, and I distinctly remember meeting the King of Spain and commenting on the fact that I thought he would look more serious.  Because I am nothing if not gracious and skilled at making people feel comfortable.

It wasn’t long before I went outside to smoke, and I am absolutely positive that it was there that I first felt at home.  RW stepped out of a cab and brought with him a sense of belonging that I should have bottled up right then and there.  He was not at the Sheraton for the conference, but was instead coming for the specific purpose of having dinner with me, Avitable and Kelly.

Miss-Britt-and-RW

And that dinner was highlight number one for me.

I ate Rockefeller oysters for the very first time – which were divine, by the way – and listened to Kelly talk about her amazing children.  I tried not to blush as she and RW heaped mounds of encouragement and praise on me.  I shared a $40 steak with Adam and was grateful that, at least for a little while, the dynamics of our relationship were neither ignored nor judged.

Mocha-Momma-RW-and-Miss-Britt

After dinner, we headed to the bar inside the hotel – which was not at all the same thing as the hotel bar, a fact Adam and I learned only after sitting in the hotel bar for several minutes wondering where the fuck all of these people were who said they wanted to meet up with us.  Thankfully, all of those people were loud as fuck and we were able to follow the sounds of laughter and squeeing into the bar inside the hotel.

And that bar inside the hotel was highlight number two for me.

I stood awkwardly in the doorway and waved meekly at Queen of Spain for less than a minute before Cat Lincoln pushed through the crowd to introduce herself to me. She also handed me a bag filled with Yummie Tummies, but managed to do it in a way that did not say “here ya go, tubby, have some Lycra.”

Then a tall brunette walked up to me and said “Hi, I’m Sarah,” and both Adam and I nodded and smiled and tried hard to pretend that we knew who she was.  She, of course, was much too smart for us and reassured us that “It’s OK, I know who you guys are but you have no idea who I am.”  I asked, as politely as I could, what her blog was, and she informed me that she had this little blog called Sarah and The Goon Squad.

And then, as politely as I could, I explained to her that “OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU ARE GOON SQUAD SARAH?!?!  Of course I know you!  Holy shit!  You are huge!  OH MY GOD YOU KNOW ME!  And also?  Do not ever introduce yourself as Sarah ever again.  Jesus, woman.  Sarah could be anyone.  YOU are SARAH AND THE MOTHERFUCKING GOON SQUAD.”

At which point she apologized to me and tried to tactfully back away slowly.

BUT!  Before she could, her friend very politely introduced herself to both Adam and I and we all decided to exchange business cards.  Adam handed her very adorable friend a card from his variety pack – this one with a picture of his header on the back.  You know, the one that has him sitting in a car with Hitler.

“Is that Hitler?” Sarah’s friend asked, as politely as she could.

“Oh my God,” I gasped, “you’re a Jew, aren’t you?”  Because I am both polite and intuitive and politically correct enough to use the term “a Jew” when meeting someone for the first time.

She laughed uproariously and nodded her head.

And that’s how I met Devra.

True story.

Wait a minute.  I just realized that that is when I met Maria because she walked into the bar inside the hotel and I was all “OH MY FREAKING GOD THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY PARTY AND I LOVE YOU!” as I hugged her a really, really lot.

Maria-Immoral-Matriarch-Miss-Britt-and-Mr-Lady

At this point things become even more fuzzy.  In part, I suspect, because James the bartender feels bad about serving $12 drinks and tries to make up for it by using cranberry juice as a food coloring rather than a mixer.  I vividly recall meeting Shannon aka Mr. Lady and being even further relieved to put a face to a long stream of emails and twitter conversations.  I also remember feeling beyond honored when Katja specifically got up from the couch to come over and talk to me.

Can I give you a tip?  If you’re ever in a crowd of people and you see someone you know who you want to talk to – get up and go and talk to them.  Even if you think you’re being rude.  Even if you worry they won’t know who you are.  Because chances are that person is standing in a crowd of people feeling very small and alone and wishing like hell that someone, anyone, would make them feel a little less alone.

Even if that person has a notoriously big mouth and likes to lecture other people on going out of their way to be friendly.

(And if someone could give me that tip before I go to BlogHer next year (or ever leave my house again)?  That would be awesome.  Thanks.)

The next thing I remember is leaning on Adam’s big fluffy arm and crying about how my contacts hurt and my eyes were dry and I really, really should probably go to bed because I had to be up at the ass crack of dawn for my Ford thing the next morning.  The next thing I remember after that is waking up very early on Thursday morning and hearing Adam mumble from deep within the recesses of his own overly soft what the fuck is the Sheraton thinking bed, “does your butthole hurt?  No?  That’s how you know I didn’t put my dick in your ass last night.”

True story.

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  1. avitable says:

    Just because you are short doesn’t mean you have to sell yourself short. I counted, and 1,204 people told you that they knew your blog and loved you and you were oh-so-cute and precious and funny and they loved your hair and only 1,143 told me that they read my blog and were surprised that I was quiet and they were scared to approach me and wanted to have my blog babies. So you win. The. End.

  2. Agree with Avitable, only divide by 10 for my number.

  3. Velma says:

    Ooooh, that James. That bartender with the heavy hand was responsible for my only BlogHer hangover, dammit. I personally enjoyed meeting you that night, and after several days of meeting a zillion people I would still like to nominate you for “Best Hairstyle.” LOVE the stacked back and the pink, in case I didn’t tell you eleventy-million times that night.

  4. Just popped in to say the dress you had was way beyond adorable!

  5. Shash says:

    I think we can FINALLY lay to rest that you don’t do well in crowds.

    True story. ;)

    You rocked it, you rolled it, and brought the awesome that only you can do.

    Love you lady. Mucho mas.

    xoxo

  6. Kim says:

    Best recap yet ! And the pics are great. RIP to your camera. Sorry.

  7. Was great to have met you, if only for 2.4 seconds while on a dance floor with obnoxiously loud music blaring over whatever it was that I said. ;-)

  8. It was so nice to meet you, even if briefly. Adam too.

    I could ramble on and on and on like a little 6 year old at the fair, but alas, I won’t. Just know I was so happy to have met you, and I lit up like a little internal christmas tree when you recognized me at the People’s Party…

    xoxo

  9. cat/BadKitty says:

    I was so excited to meet you in person! Plus I scored a magnet with that SEX-AY picture of you. I didn’t even catch the awesome pink hair until day 2, which I will blame on dim bar light, and not an over-dependence on alcohol to navigate social situations.

    Also, I forgot to talk to you about loving Robyn. Next time, next time…

  10. I’ve had this browser open forever trying to leave a comment, but I got dragged off and watched television. So if for some reason you notice a creeper has been on here for a while, it was me. Anyway, to the comment, I wasn’t at BlogHer this year, but I already purchased my ticket for next year. Hope to see you there. :) <– that is a genuine smiley face.

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy, funny story:

      someone in the men panel was talking about people reading their site for 9 hours, and I very politely pointed out to him that it was just someone who left their browser open.

      Heh.

  11. Dave2 says:

    Argh! I wasn’t jealous of your going to BlogHer… until now. You’re hanging with all the cool people!

  12. Seriously.

    So nervous to even wave at you and Adam, thinking, oh they don’t know me. I’ll waste my breath knowing they have more important people to talk to.

    I’m kicking myself for not at least introducing myself and letting you and Avitable know how cool the Vaginally Challanged session was! The absolutely best session of the whole conference!

  13. Well, at least you didn’t pee your pants AND spill a drink all over yourself.

    Not that *I* did or anything. No no no no.

    See you in a few weeks.

  14. karen meg says:

    So glad to have met you and even better to have hugged you, you sweet thing! You did a great job on the Room of your own panel too… you rocked it girl!

  15. Faiqa says:

    1. Forget the e-mail that I just sent asking “How was BlogHer?”
    2. Yes, I know I wrote “blogger.”
    3. I can’t think straight. THAT’S how jealous I am of how good of a time you had. ;)

  16. Can’t fool us. Camera no longer worked after pictures w/ RW – you are just being nice.

  17. Seriously officially changing my blog name to Sarah and the Motherfucking Good Squad. I really like the way it rolls off of the tongue.

  18. I took way more pictures of you.
    That Avitable dude is insufferable.

  19. Hilly says:

    I’m grieving for your camera right now. It’s a loss for all of us. I’ll do something surprising and even wear a black shirt to mourn it.

  20. Sorry about your camera. Will you come up to say hi in NYC next year? It will be my first time and I’ll be that small person in the crowd (the one who looks like she’ll vomit on her shoes).

  21. Finn says:

    You know what I hate about these recaps? The fact that you link to all these cool people that I now I have to read and will probably like and then I’ll never get anything done again ever.

    Thank you.

  22. Either you have to quit smoking for next year or I have to take it up — whatever works. Actually, I would have joined you more often but walking in my shoes was kind of painful so I tried to keep it to a minimum. Anyway, it was so lovely to meet you.

  23. Lisa says:

    Scared away the birds just now with my guffaw. I’m glad you guys had a great time!

  24. perpstu says:

    I am now considering going to BlogHer next year just so I can stalk you and then write a post just like this one. I will fill it full of smush and gush! ;)

  25. Maria says:

    Goddammit. I’m still writing mine! And it’s mostly pictures! You people need to slow the hell down.

  26. Brandy says:

    I found your blog linked over at MomDot within a blogher post – having fun reading up on the trip and hope I get to meet all of you next year in NYC BlogHer since that’s only a 5 hour drive for me (yes scare of flying is me) … great post, I loved reading it!

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Brandy, this frightens me. Do I need to go kick Tricia’s ass? Because she’s little and I bet I could take her!

      I’m already looking forward to NYC, too!

      • Brandy says:

        @Miss Britt, WELL It might help if I respond to the CORRECT area… oopsee… LOL … that IS funny! I love your writing and how you tell it how it is. I swear it was a good reference! LOL Have a great Wednesday!

  27. I found it uber hilarious that people said they mixed me up with you.

    you + blond curly hair + 75 pounds = me

    And everyone is right – you’re incredible in a big crowd.

    And I’m right in saying you’re a good kisser (from what I remember). At least there’s proof.

  28. Sybil Law says:

    I tend to believe Adam – you’re Miss Britt!
    Plus, i saw you and you looked cute cute cute!
    So there. :P

  29. Sybil Law says:

    I meant I saw pictures of you.
    Don’t mind me – need to go to bed.

  30. You were both absolute shining stars. And I am so very grateful that you were OK with me and Linda tagging along whenever I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know what else to do.

    Much, much love, hon!

    • Miss Britt says:

      @Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, TAGGING ALONG?!?! Are you kidding me?? I wish I could have hung out with both of you more. I already knew I LOVED you – and meeting her was awesome, too!

  31. Angel Smith says:

    Maria described you as enchanting. And it’s the most perfect description I could have ever imagined. Being around you, makes people feel more alive. It’s a gift, and I’m glad you choose to share it. <3

  32. Britt – It was so great to meet you this weekend. Oh, you don’t remember it? Huh. Actually my recollection is a tad fuzzy as well but I have a picture of it. So um hi again.

  33. Zoeyjane says:

    Woman, if there’s ever someone I wanna party with when I’ve been awake for 42 hours (again), it’s you. You’re almost exactly what I expected, a feisty little wood sprite. With awesome hair. And a laissez-faire attitude about pyrotechnics.

  34. 2010 will be my first BlogHer, and I’ve already decided I need a nametag that says ‘Hi, I’m Suburban Oblivion and you have no idea who I am, so don’t worry about it’ :P

    PS- I’ve never read Avitable.

  35. Elizabeth says:

    You were exactly as adorable as I thought you would be! And Adam was way quieter than I thought he would be. But then he handed me a business card with a photo of his naked back and I knew he was the same Adam from his blog :)

    I’m so glad you explained about meeting Devra, because at the Nikon party I heard you yell, when you walked in and saw Devra, “look, it’s my Jew!” or something like that, and I thought oh god did she really just say that? Which just goes to show that there are approximately 1400 inside jokes at BlogHer too.

    I hope you come to BlogHer 2010 so I can shriek OMG you’re MISS BRITT again at you and startle the hell out of you at registration :)

  36. whall says:

    I like your blog a lot and envy a few things like your dedication and style.

    True story.

  37. Mrs. Flinger says:

    “Can I give you a tip? If you’re ever in a crowd of people and you see someone you know who you want to talk to – get up and go and talk to them. Even if you think you’re being rude. Even if you worry they won’t know who you are. Because chances are that person is standing in a crowd of people feeling very small and alone and wishing like hell that someone, anyone, would make them feel a little less alone.”

    I couldn’t agree more. It was LOVELY meeting you. I was so awkward! BLERGH! Next year I promise to be all normal instead of “HUMMANA HUMMANA THAT IS MISS BRITT!” :)

  38. You are freaking adorable, and I loved meeting you, but you probably don’t remember. Dancing at the MamaPop Sparklecorn party and then Sat. night, we hung out at the Chi Bar w/ Michael and Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas, Califmom, and Lex.Oh and Adam, too. *I had a great time. YOU may not remember. But we talked all about Shakespeare and how it is a turn on for you. And you had the guys quoting Shakespeare. Cannot WAIT until next year!

    Tina

    Tina

  39. Kim says:

    I recognized you and even said hi twice, but felt like a total goon because i am not a big time blogger, wait, i am a very small potatoes blogger unlike you, so i felt totally dumb. but, reading this makes me ralize that i’m not the only one who felt like a fish out of water. you’re just as cute in person as you are on your blog. glad we could meet ;)

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