I’m not used to being fragile.
I am, as a general rule, the strong one in almost any situation. I’m the one who makes decisions and get things done. I’m the one who bounces back and pushes on. I’m the one who can handle anything, and usually do it with a self deprecating smile.
But I don’t feel strong right now.
I feel unusually weak and ill prepared to handle even the smallest disappointments. My ego is frail and prone to bruising. My sense of self – the thing that has always guided me – is suddenly ungrounded and easily toppled by the slightest breeze.
I’m uncomfortable in my own skin.
I can’t remember the last time I was so aware of my every flaw and so desperate to hide them from the world.
I feel small.
I want to both shrink away to avoid being noticed and curl up to something bigger to avoid being lost.
My God, I’m pathetic and maudlin.
The thing is, I’m not always sad. Really.
I laugh and play and talk and on the outside, most days, I look exactly the same as I always have.
But on the inside, I feel a tentativeness that is completely foreign to me. I don’t feel confident enough to charge forward blindly, secure that I can handle whatever I run into. I am, instead, afraid of running head first into something that can bring me to my knees. Something. I don’t know what – because the things that have shaken me lately have been unexpected. My ability to predict what will sting and what will not is off kilter.
I don’t know this version of me.
But I know I don’t like it.
I’ll be your something bigger.
@avitable, That has got to be the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to anyone.
I’m not even going to comment now. She’s got you.
@avitable, I wish I had a friend as great as you. Im glad you are there for Britt. And Im glad she is there for you.
@avitable, you’re a cool dude.
@avitable, dude. You should write cheesy movies that turn into classics with one liners quoted forever and ever!
@Miss Britt, you had me at hello. Show me the money!
@avitable, how many times have you seen Jerry McGuire? Wow.
What about…
“Not for nothing, baby.”
“But most of all, I’m scared of walking out of this room, and never feeling again in my whole life… the way I feel when I’m with you.”
Aaaand, apparently I, too, need to broaden my movie horizons.
@Miss Britt, I was reading a cheesy romance book last night and they had almost that exact quote and first it reminded me of you. Then I got all mad and couldn’t read it anymore because plagiarizing the classics just isn’t right.
@avitable, Haha, everyone is swooning over how sweet you are and when I read it? Yeah, I totally went for the obvious dirty joke.
Ahem.
@Hilly, ME TOO!!! He totally meant it in a dirty way. We know the truth.
@Faiqa, @Hilly Ditto. Adam will always go for the dirty innuendo.
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), Thank God! I thought I was the onnly one who saw the obvious dirty innuendo! Whew!
@Hilly, ::hanging head:: yeah…me to.
We suck at sentimentality.
Give yourself time, and you will find the *you*, you want to be.
Hugs!
@Fantastagirl, giving myself time is ALWAYS the hardest part for me. I know that logically – but man, I am impatient.
I’ll provide the crash helmet and the pillows to soften any blows. I’ll also be there to pick you up when you do fall, if you’ll let me.
Anytime. Just call. Okay?
xoxo
@Shash, it is such a comfort to know that. Really.
xo
First of all, I think we can agree that nobody is (or for that matter, should be) anything all the time. Completeness of the soul is achieved both through strength AND fragility. Much could be gained by those around you if they were given the opportunity to be strong instead of you having to do it all the time.
I should write for fortune cookies.
Also, there’s this idea out there that suggests that before any system becomes stronger, it must hit a state of chaos or entropy. The idea is that in order to become better, the weaknesses of the system have to come to the surface and wreak havoc. Once that happens, the weaknesses are gone… dealt with. After that period of chaos is over, the system reorganizes and is actually better then before… and stronger.
I think that applies to people, too.
@Faiqa, well. That is the essence of EXACTLY what I was going to say.
I’m pretty sure that growth is not linear. Or predictable. Or comfortable. And I would definitely say that “growth” is what you’re experiencing right now.
I love you
@Faiqa, wow. You SHOULD write fortune cookies. You are so wise.
You should blog. Or do counseling.
Or, you know, come sit by me for a while.
Did they change your meds? It does take time to transition. Sometimes months.
@Kris, yeah, they did. I’ve been wondering if this is a weird “side effect” or something. Time will tell I guess.
Those around you will pick you up when you do fall.. It is SO obvious you are loved by many.
@Chrissi, I know, it is. I’m really lucky. The unfortunate thing is that when you’re insecure on the inside, there’s only so much people on the outside can do.
The fortunate thing is – when you have as much support as I do on the outside, it’s pretty easy to recognize that it’s ME that needs to do the hard part.
I feel like that from time to time, too. I always just thought it was normal. Is it not?!
Anyway, in the fashion of what Faiqa said, when I was younger, I broke both arms many, many times. (Crazy tomboy kid.) Every summer until I was like, 9. Anyway, even though the crazy tomboy stuff was still around for some years, I was told it would be super hard for me to break those bones again – they’d melded over so much they were solid. (And never a broken bone again!)
I think that’ll happen for you, too.
Until then, it’s certainly okay to be fragile.
It takes a pretty strong person to even admit to it.
xo
@Sybil Law, I think it’s perfectly normal to feel like that from time to time. I’ve certainly had moments of self doubt before, God knows.
It’s not normal for me to feel this as a new “constant”.
Clearly you know I’m not the best with advice. So **hugs** because I give those extremely well.
@Sarah, one of my favorite things about you is that you rarely offer advice. Not that I don’t like advice – but people who can just stand there and hug are really rare. And necessary.
You are a colossus, on a mini break from yourself.
@SingleParentDad, sweet, Jesus – that’s encouraging.
I mean that sincerely.
Wow.
I just realized I wasn’t following you on twitter, and rectified that. ;p
I like the entropy/chaos idea.
I’m usually pretty self-confident, but I falter and feel down and insecure sometimes, too.
Oh, and: “If we were happy all the time, we wouldn’t be human beings; we’d be game show hosts!” –Heathers
@Al_Pal, the fact that you just quoted Heathers to me is even more perfect than you could ever imagine. LOL
And, whenever I fuck up and do an asshole thing, my mother always says “well, you’re so awesome normally – you’d be UNBEARABLE to be around if you didn’t screw up.” Hehe
@Miss Britt,
Bwahaha! It was funny, right after I posted about Heathers, I saw on twitter that you’d watched it recently! ;D
I’ve watched that SO many times, bought the VHS in HS or something. (maybe even 8th grade?) XD
Great statement from your mom, too. ;p
I’m so there with you. Not feeling well has thrown off my game and I don’t like it one bit. Also, I noticed that the people around me don’t know how to deal with the fragile me because they are used to the strong, independent me.
Hang in there girl.
@MariaV, yeah – the people around me seem a bit confused too. And I HATE that.
Some people find beating up someone larger than themselves can make them feel bigger.
I think you could take Adam easily.
@SciFi Dad, I could totally take Adam. I know where his soft spots are.
(And will sell this knowledge for $75, FYI)
That’s how I feel most days,too. You are lucky to have great people around you to lean on.
@~jtm, if there was one thing I could wish for other people, it would be that they had the support system that I do.
It is absolutely one of my greatest blessings.
To be strong, you must admit when you’re weak. This, too, is part of it.
@bo, is that a quote?
If not, it should be.
Man, you people are WISE.
“To be strong, you must admit when you’re weak.”
This is exactly what I was giong to tell you. Keep your chin up babe, it will get better.
I love you!
@Kristin, I love you, too honey.
And you know this, man.
I could have written this ((hugs))
@Robin, awww, that makes me sad for you.
((hug)) back.
@Miss Britt, and i’m sad for you. i want to share this with you http://www.lifeisnotamovie.net/2009/05/05/the-real-me/
@Robin, Oh wow, Robin. Thank you so much for sharing that. (And anyone reading this – I highly suggest you GO READ it.)
That’s exactly how I feel when I look in the mirror right now. Or walk around in public.
I hope we can spend more time together soon.
Lately, I feel like I’m violently alternating between being happier than I’ve been in a long time and more excruciatingly anxious than I’ve ever been in my life.
And somewhere in between I’m me and I have these brief out of body type moments where I’m like what? Who’s that? That’s me? I’m here doing this right now?
It’s scary.
SO. We just spend more time together talking about Prince and not thinking.
@Maria, OMG I DO THAT, TOO. Like, I look around some moments and think “Jesus, I am the luckiest person in the entire world” – and the next moment I’m cowering in a corner.
We should spend more time together. Your couch or mine?
I wasn’t going to comment beyond telling Adam how wonderful HIS comment was but something occurred to me:
When someone has everything, they don’t realize how lucky they are. I think we need some icky days to recognize that the fabulous days are just that — fabulous. If every day was terrific, we’d just call it “another day.” And wouldn’t that be shitty, not to be able to see a good day for what it is?
I hope tomorrow is a good (strong) day for you.
xo
@Dawn, that’s true.
You know, sometimes I get scared that “life” or “God” or whatever will take everything away in order to make me more grateful. I feel like screaming “NO! HEY! I KNOW! Really! No test required!”
That’s crazy, isn’t it?
@Miss Britt, It’s more aware and intelligent than crazy, I think, that you realize that you have tons of stuff to be grateful for.
@Miss Britt, Hey Lady…I’d just like to point out that this sentiment is NOT crazy. And yeah, I AM speaking from the other side of that particular test. Or the extreme depths of, as it were. Because you just never know, right?
I think, whether you can see it or not, you are doing better.
I am glad there are so many to help you in this time of need and offer good words of wisdom.
I have none, as I tend to wander aimlessly when I feel like this.
Hugs and Blessings!
@Becca, “wander aimlessly”
I could have saved myself about 200 words and said just that and described it perfectly.
There’s nothing wrong with being fragile. I happen to love Italian food, clothes, and actresses. If that’s the label on the box surrounding the new Britt, rest comfortably in knowing you still have folks who want to put you in the window in the front of their house, where all can see you from the street and marvel at your electric glow.
@father muskrat, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with it, per say. It’s just so contrary to how I typically think of myself.
It’s taking some getting used to.
I’m not reading the other comments before I leave mine so pardon me if I repeat what someone has said.
Life is constantly about growing and changing, as you know. This is especially true for people in their 20′s and early 30′s…it seems like every year is a decade when you are that age. Naturally, as you change and flourish, you are going to have these uneasy feelings and also are going to need to rediscover what it is like to comfortable in your own skin.
I think this is all very natural and even though you hate it and it makes you all squiffy? You’ll come of it just as headstrong and sure as you were before. Yanno, our basic human instincts seem to always bounce back to center.
Also? I have many moments like that even though I know I am strong. In an instant, I can feel so small. You are not alone.
@Hilly, “You’ll come of it just as headstrong and sure as you were before. Yanno, our basic human instincts seem to always bounce back to center.”
That’s all I could ask for.
The strongest things are those that can bend without breaking or sway without falling, not the ones that never yield.
You’ve learned to be strong, now you have to learn to yield to be stronger yet. Tough lesson, but absolutely necessary.
And if I can offer you a soft place to fall while you’re learning, I would be more than happy to. XO
@Finn, yielding? Sucks.
I’ve sat here trying to think of something positive, uplifting and encouraging but I really can’t. All I can say is that I know all to well what you are feeling and that it really fucking sucks. And I hope you get back to your happy place soon. xoxo
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), me too!
Dear Britt – sometimes, in spite of excellent pharmaceuticals, the people who love us and wine, we just are. Fragile. And it’s ok. And in my case, it’s incredibly hormonal. Take a little time and be fragile. Awareness is the key. In a couple of days you’ll be back and the world will be shiny and wonderful. XOXO.
@ballerinatoes, I hope you’re right and this will pass more quickly than it feels like.
yup… know this one… slow down to go faster.. the strength you need will emerge
blessings
gp
@gp, slow down to go faster – that should be on a fortune cookie.
I have no advice; I struggle with insecurity myself. I was a lot more self-confident in my 30′s than I am now. Maybe I’ve finally learned humility, I don’t know.
Btw, I think Faiqa may just be brilliant. Very wise, she is.
@floating princess, yes, Faiqa is like Yoda – but hotter.
I find that we all lose our real selves at times, that we all become raw. What’s the trigger? I don’t know. All you can do is just recognize it (which you’ve done) and try to figure out what has triggered it. You’ll come out of it, I promise. I remember about a year ago crying every single day, the least little thing zinging me at every turn. I went to counseling for a few months and I’m not sure that actually helped me but what did help me was just riding it out.
It will pass. I promise. Wish I could give you a hug.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, it’s so hard to imagine you crying. I know that sounds weird to you – but it just doesn’t “fit”.
Britt,
We’re all fragile and insecure and feel uncomfortable in our own skin. Some are just better at faking that they aren’t.
So you’re in a spot right now where you’re not so good at faking it
.
I hope this new med makes you feel better. I’ve given up on them–no use trading one bad feeling for another.
Hang in. People love you–messy or put together.
@Lynn @ human, being, *SIGH* I am really, really NOT faking it normally though. I mean, I have moments of doubt and insecurity just like everyone else – but at my core, I always know who I am. Or something.
@Miss Britt,
Well I should have said “sometimes”
.
If you know who you are at your core, then let go of the worry of where you are right now. Many people DON’T know who they are (and thus the faking it).
The thing about life, I’m finding (and I’m 10 years ahead of you) is you’re always exactly where you’re supposed to be, even if where you are is sucky. you’ll come out of this tomorrow, or next month, or 5 years from now with even better understanding and acceptance of who you are and what you want. That’s what happens when you’re open to the process. Which you are.
((hug)) from a stranger
Love you huge.
@maggie, dammit, dit. Oh.
I completely understand how you feel. It’s like living inside a stranger’s skin.
@Sodapop, yes, it is. Robin’s post on this was a perfect description of it.
Those lows can be hard to take. You end up feeling things will never change and that you no longer know yourself. But as so many have said this seems to be the nature of growth and change.
Recognising it and being able to write about it is half the battle. Believe it or not, it is a step towards the light.
@Selma, I. Hate. Growth.
Officially.
Hang in there Britt there is a light at the end of the tunnel
I was going to say that we are all works in progress and that we’re always changing and blah blah blah, but that just sounds really lame now. Hang in there. I’m here for you if you need me! *hugs*
Can I just copy this and post it on my blog? It would save me a lot of time!
dammit. i hate being so powerless when it comes to matters of the brain and heart. if only there was some way for me to make it all better for you.
sending so much love to you, my dear friend.
praying for you, too.