Everyone knows your body changes as you age.
As women, our boobs inevitably start to sag. Our hips spread with childbirth. Our asses – hell, I’m not even sure what’s going on back there anymore. But it aint pretty, that much I know.
But that’s life, right?
You age, you grow, you mature. You learn to appreciate your inner beauty.
So why the hell is my husband not getting with the fucking program yet?
I was reading Redneck Mommy’s ode to Moobs the other day and I realized that I am fucked. While she was reminding her husband that his body is going through its own metamorphasis, I was reminded that my husband still looks like an underwear model for the teen boy’s section of GAP.
Do you know that rotten son of a bitch actually weighs less than he did on our wedding day?!? LESS!
WHO DOES THAT?
And it’s not like he works out. Unless you count stuffing as much junkfood in your mouth as you can in one sitting as a workout. I don’t think the man even knows what the inside of an actual gym looks like. I think it’s been 10 years since he’s so much as attempted a push up.
I know what you’re thinking.
I should be grateful, you’re saying.
I should be proud to be married to a man that can still turn heads at a high school pep rally.
Right?
Except, as Tanis so eloquently pointed out, Moobs are supposed to be my vindication! When I kissed my teenage body goodbye at 19 and said hello to stretch marks and deflated breasts, I was reminded that men get theirs, too. Sure, it wouldn’t come as soon as mine, but eventually, they all told me, his body would succumb to the ravages of time and Cheetohs.
“He won’t be able to eat like that forever”, they said.
“His metabolism will catch up to him,” they promised.
“By his 25th birthday, all that beer will show up at his gut!” they all vowed.
The only time that man has anything even close to a gut is right after he’s eaten. I’m more bloated on Day 1 of my period than that bastard has ever been.
It’s not natural.
It’s not FAIR!
How am I supposed to get naked in front of the ageless freaking wonder? How am I supposed to not feel insecure about spider veins and cellulite bumps when he’s replacing his jeans because they’ve worn out?
Do you know when the last time I’ve had a pair of jeans long enough for them to wear out?
Never.
That’s when.
I give my jeans to charity because I can no longer breathe in them. And my husband is asking if I know how to patch the holes in the pants he’s had since highschool. Seriously.
That’s OK, though. He may be hot stuff now, and he might never get a beer gut or man boobs. But I am confident that, in the end, time and I will have our revenge. Because if there’s one thing my body and I have learned, it’s that you can’t fight gravity.
And I hope his testicles hit the fucking floor.
Hey. Low hanging fruit is sexy, dammit.
@avitable, whatever lets you masturbate at night, babe.
Mine, too. He can bite me.
@Mr Lady, bite him once for me, too.
I so don’t have this problem.
I am currently in a begging war to get permission from my husband to post a photo of both our tummies on my blog with the caption “Who would win a Care Bear Stare-off?”.
(I don’t think he’s going to agree. Dammit.)
@Loralee, and now you know how lucky you are!
(Wait – we’re supposed to ask permission before we post embarrassing pictures of our husbands?? oops.)
I can only see the old man’s ass scene from HBOs Sex and the City now without thinking of you Britt. LOL…
@Kim, well right now he still has a perfect ass – but it’s just a matter of time…
I’ve had moobs as long as I can remember, and I work out and diet and all that. Your husband can bite me.
@bassdad05, hahahahhaha – I’ll be sure to tell him you said that.
You know he probably doesn’t see the spider veins or cellulite bumps–he sees you and he loves you.
@Turnbaby, oh that is so bullshit. He doesn’t see me. He sees the 16 year old girl he was having sex with 13 years ago.
Which is much, much better than seeing me. LOL
@Miss Britt, I am saying that. I am saying that he sees that you are more than your physical appearance. I was married to someone who didn’t do that. He was one of those guys who always was looking for me to be all airbrushed buff gym girl. And I was never ever gonna be that.
You can always slip steroids into his food to fatten him up.
P.S. No new photos?!
@MariaV, no new photos.
I lost my battery and charger at the space center a few weeks ago and haven’t been able to replace it yet.
So true and so unfair. I was just remarking to Steve, as I perused our vacation photos, that it’s so unfair that someone has stolen my jawline, yet there his is, all chiseled and gorgeous. He puts on five pounds, then walks around the block and is down six. Again, true and unfair. Women carry the burdens, I tell you.
@lynn @ human, being, punch him once in that chiseled jaw for me, k?
really? you want his testicles to hit the floor? cuz that’s kind of anticlimactic, pun totally intended.
@Crys, yes. Really.
I’ll show you my boobies sometime and you’ll understand.
Do you want me to send him one of mine?
@SingleParentDad, could you? That would be fabulous. Thanks.
funny, funny stuff
@hello haha narf,
What a fucker!
@Dawn, I KNOW!! Bastard.
Did you ever consider that your Hubby might be a vampire?
I only saw him at night…
Does he sparkle in the daylight?
@LeSombre, hmmm… you have a point…
But his penis isn’t cold….
His moobs will come…trust me. But in the meantime, maybe Jared can be in the “mature men” section of the Abercrombie catalog…..
@Robin, do you really think he could pass for “mature men”? Because if you do, I’m going to tell him you said that and MAKE MY WHOLE DAY!
@Miss Britt, I think he would. ::wink::
Yeah. I know how you feel. I’m just waiting for someone to ask me if I’m my husband’s older sister.
But, Britt, here’s how I look at it, we’re both extremely astute at the inner workings of the human mind, so we’ll be fine… it’s not about whether they *look* better than us, it’s about psychologically damaging them to the point that they *believe* they can’t do any better than us.
Call if you need back up.
@Faiqa, hahahahah! Oh that’s awesome.
@Faiqa, oh honey, I’m 8 stages of mental manipulation ahead of you.
We can swap notes next Sunday.
my husband too! at 6’7″ and 210 lbs, he is almost underweight. he shovels whatever crap food he can find numerous times a day and it is still difficult to maintain weight. prick.
at least he is a jerk and he knows that no one will ever put up with his shit like i do so he is going no where.
@josie, well at least there’s that! LOL
Jared? Everyone freaking loves Jared because he’s like the nicest freaking guy EVER. *sigh* I’m screwed.
@Miss Britt, just to clarify… he is not an ass to our family at all, just work wise and to people he does not know is general
@josie, hahhahaha – I kind of wondered.
Jared is pretty much the opposite. The only people he has ever so much as raised his voice at are me and the kids. Not that he’s a jerk to us – but if he’s going to be an ass, we’re the only ones who are going to see it.
His ass will go. It will.
It has to. Right?!!!
Fuckers.
@Sybil Law, it better.
Um…got pics of your man-child hubby?
It’s not fair that a lot of men get sexier with age! Fuckers!
On the bright side… at least you didn’t marry Benjamin Button.
Boys are stupid. And they suck (and not in a good way). Unfortunately so many of them are really hot.
Fuckers.
@Finn, Excuse me!!! But I suck in a very good way!!!
And very well I might add!
@NYCWD, I’d heard that. Clearly you are a mutant.
Oh gawd, that’s priceless!
Baaaaaaaahahahahahahaha! “And I hope his testicles hit the fucking floor!”
HAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Britt!!!!!!!!!
Made my day!
Boys rule.
Girls drool.
haha!!!
My husband will be 41 on Tax day–has an eight pack and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of and he’s aging awesome–he looks 30. (Check FB–he’s a hottie!
I will be 30 in August and my boobs are only perky with the help of Victoria’s Secret and my ass only looks good when I’m wearing 4″ heels or I’ve had to much to drink.
Not. Fair.
HAHA Sucka! Jared is like me and in the metabolism elite club. Sending a high five his way. I may have hidden my six pack with a little insulation, and put on some weight since I met my wife, but I needed too. Now I can drop weight just by thinking about it.
@Hockeyman, SUCKIT FUCKER
He might better start gaining weight just to appease the karma gods. Instead of gaining weight, he could become *gasp* impotent! I mean, shit comes to get you in one form or another.
My BIL is approaching 50 and he still wears the same size jeans he wore as a teenager. I think he’s an alien in disguise.
My husband can eat giant cheeseburgers and never gains weight, in fact he has trouble keeping weight on. He can go run ten miles even if he hasn’t exercised at all in a year, and he can do one legged squats without falling over. Fucker.
It just proves my point that all the thinner men are already taken, to wonderful women like you. and all the fat asses and moobs are reserved or the single men who are still available to us single girls.
count yourself one lucky biotch
@notasoccermom, sorry- that was snarky- didnt mean it to be
I love it! One day they will get what’s coming and you can just sit there and say HA, I knew it!
1) Oh I DID see your green – how cute are you??
2) Yes. They will hit the floor. Like mud flaps. Thank God
i work my ass off SO bloody hard to keep the body i had when we got married 10 years ago…i *WISH* my husband did the same! i’m jealous!
Stupid men. Fortunately (for me) my husband is a victim of the hypothyroid and has FINALLY put on a little weight. We’re almost even….
Dear Miss Britt:
When I look at your pictures here’s what I see:
A bouncy bounteous bumper crop of crazy curls. They suit you down to the ground.
Judging by Jared’s love letter to you I don’t think you have a thing to worry about except your own expectations. And I don’t think you are consumed by them — just a little envious.
I must tell you I have always been very jealous of men with Jared’s build. I was “blessed” with a tall skinny body with a pigeon breast and absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever. I am now 63 and the only thing that has changed is that I am now a tall fat man with a pigeon breast and even less athletic ability.
Even Avitable thinks you’re attractive. Why else would he “pray” to see your boobs?
I love the picture of you in your “show me your shamrocks” shirt. Your verve and vivacity fairly explode from the image.
I think you are a lovely person, but you would wear me out inside of 10 minutes.
Don
Like he said up there, he’s got the metabolism of a cheerleader. He actually lost 25 pounds in the last 8 months by doing nothing. NOTHING.
Asshole.
Is he getting any gray hair? Crow’s feet? Smile lines? ANYTHING?
You could always buy him too-small clothes and he could think he’s getting bigger.
I agree. Fucker.
Ladies, I think you’re forgetting one important item, something you’ll always have while he most likely will not; your hair. That’s right, he will still be a victim of Male Pattern Baldness.
well, unfortunately for us I am sure that men will find it incredibly fucking awesome to have testicles that hit the floor.
Mr. Incredible up until the age of 30 could eat literally anything he wanted and not gain an ounce. He was the same size as he was in high school (29 slim)up until that time. What changed? His job…and now, all that eating whatever he wants when he wants has FINALLY BITTEN him in the ASS!
It will come Britt, it will come and when it does – you’ll be there with your camera.
(Stop highlighting his hair – it will make him look older).
I used to be jealous of how the Captain’s body never seems to get out of shape. Then his hair turned gray and fell out. He blames it on me.
May I suggest, Nair in his shampoo? Then at least he’d be bald.
OMG! Note to self: do not drink water while reading Britt’s blog.
Ooooh, I’d be so annoyed. I get annoyed as it is when I work and work and work to lose weight and my husband takes a week off of drinking fruit juice and doubles my weight loss. Bastard.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!! TESTICLES!!! FLOOR!!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!!
My husband hates me for similar reasons, but I do have a lot of wrinkles, whereas his skin is still flawless, so we’re even. I just look better naked.
What you are forgetting my friend, is that he is slowly withering away to nothing. He’s going to be one of those decrepit old men with testicles that tea bag into the toilet and have bird-like bones. One good sneeze and he’s going to be walking with a walker and orthotic shoes.
And who will be sexier then?
Oh ya. You.
Trust me on this.
Because even if you have deflated boobs, a few chin whiskers and a little padding on your rump, you won’t be hobbled over like an arthritic granny that a six year old could bench press.
Once Jared hits 50 it’s all down hill for him.
Trust me.
HEh.
I’m a Mediterranean gal, all curves, with a passion for carbs and a tendency to gain MORE curves.
My husband is a Swiss mountain-boy, tall and lean, who eats WAY more carbs than I do and somehow doesn’t gain much weight. When I hear him saying “I’m fat” because of the little bit of belly from a diet too high in sodium and consuming only bubbly drinks, I feel like sitting on his head. And considering the size of my ass, it would be bad.
You can assume that if they hit the floor, they’ll also get dunked in the toilet at least once daily.
You are welcome.
my hubby is the same way..super skinny…ugh, it drives me batty! his dad keeps saying “you better watch it, it’ll catch up to you like it did to me”…um, dave, you are 72/73 years old, you are SUPPOSED to look like that..jason is 32…when he shaves, he looks 15! though he does have the redeemer in the fact that the 7 years we’ve been together, his hairline has VERY noticeable receded…i’ll take what i can get! let that hair go baby! oh, and he’s got some white hairs in there too…not grey, but white!
I can only hope that if I work hard enough and put in enough effort, I can earn the same disdain you have for your Wedded Adonis.
At this point, I only get pity.