It started happening when I was in highschool.
I’d be hanging out with my friends on the gym floor, our books and papers scattered around us on the half court line of the basketball floor, our teenage limbs sprawled across coats and bags. We were supposed to be doing homework and waiting our turn, but little work was getting done as we talked and laughed while the other cast members in the school play practiced their scenes on stage.
Once in a while the English teacher/director would turn around and holler at us to be quiet and show some respect for our peers. We’d lower our voices again and roll our eyes at one another. At some point, the hallway behind us would erupt with noise, alerting everyone in the building that football practice had let out.
And inevitably, someone would say it.
“Man, those guys are idiots.”
Or, “that guy thinks he’s so fucking cool. Ooh, me big and strong and run long way!”
Or some other casual observation thrown about with confidence because we were Us and they were Them.
And suddenly I would no longer feel like part of Us, but rather like a spy in an enemy camp.
“You know,” I would say, “he’s a really cool guy. And he’s not dumb. He’s actually pretty great once you get to know him.”
The scene would play out over and over again. Sometimes I’d be at a party and find myself defending the brainy nerds who didn’t drink. Other times it would be a cheerleading practice defending the speech geek who didn’t go to football games. The backdrop and assumptions would change, but every time the feeling was the same – the sense that maybe I didn’t belong here after all, that I must be doing something wrong or was betraying someone else by being accepted in this camp.
Sometimes I’d feel particularly brave and dare to expose myself. “You know, I’m in the play, too,” I’d say. Or, “you do know I’m dating one of those jocks, right?” Or, with closer friends, “Hey! I’m in the advanced class, asshole! What are you saying about me?”
And of course, they’d never throw me out of the camp. I’d always be allowed to stay, in their eyes, one of Us. And they’d reassure me with a pat on the arm and reminder that, “you know we don’t mean you. You’re different.”
And I’d shut up and let the conversation move on, but the guilt would stay. And the feeling of being a fraud, or of maybe just not knowing what I was or where I fit, would become more firmly cemented in my self image.
I’ve noticed that same pattern replaying in my life as an adult.
It happens both offline and on, with new friends and old ones. Time after time I find I’m defending my kind to those closest to me. And over and over again I’m reassured that I’m different or, for some reason or another, excused or exempt.
They don’t mean me when they talk about weirdos on the Internet.
I’m not really a mommy blogger.
I’m not one of those moms.
I’m not that kind of Christian.
I’m not like those other Democrats.
But instead of feeling relieved or flattered or accepted, I’m haunted by the same guilt and confusion and frustration of being the cheerleading captain at play practice.
And even after my own association with those people has been explained away by my friends, I still find myself wanting to defend those people.
I don’t know why this bothers me. I’ve tried to talk to a few people about it, and they’ve done their best to convince me that I’m different. Somehow any perceived flaws or seedy associations I have can be justified because I’m not really like that, or I have some other redeeming quality that makes it OK.
I don’t know why I can’t just shut my head up and take my free pass with a smile.
I can’t shake the feeling that that’s the easy way out. It seems to be the selfish, small way – to simply enjoy all of my wonderful friends and the rich, full life I have because I’ve been welcomed into multiple, varied circles – pretending I don’t see the others that have been cast out. I can’t sleep some nights knowing they’ve been cast out for being like me.
I want to rip off my disguise and expose myself to you for the fraud I am.
I want you to see the things you hate in other people and know that I am proud to have those things in me.
I don’t want you to excuse those behaviors in me, I want you to understand them in other people.
I want to tell you I don’t want your damn acceptance and leniency if you won’t let that be a gateway to acceptance and leniency to the rest of my kind. I want to demand that you see that I am not so different because none of us are just anything. I want to tell you that your friendship isn’t enough if it comes with excuses and justifications.
But I don’t.
Because, in the end, I can’t give you up.
Because, goddammit, you’re more than the group you belong to or the people you exclude. Because, to me, you never have been a band geek or a speech nerd or a mommy blogger or a Republican or a non-mommy blogger or a college graduate or an atheist or any of those things that we may or may not have in common. And at the same time that I’m wishing you didn’t see those labels when you looked at strangers, I’m beyond fucking grateful that you manage to look past them when you see me.
I just wish I could make you see more. I wish I could understand, why me and not them?
Why, if you don’t like kids and “breeders”, do you come here – knowing I’m a devoted mother?
Why, if you don’t like ads and commercialization and sponsored posts, do you come here – knowing that I’m not above using this blog to make money?
Why, if you can’t stand Christians, do you come here – knowing that I believe in God and Jesus and The Church?
Why, if you can’t respect uneducated people, do you come here – knowing that I have nothing more than a small town high school diploma?
Why, if you can’t stand loud and obnoxious people, do you come here – knowing that I am the loudest and most obnoxious in the bunch?
I don’t mean to ask you why you bother with me.
I just want to know why me and not them?
I almost want to say here that it’s not about you, but that sounds like I’m saying that negatively, when that’s not how I mean it.
I don’t like [fundamentalist] Christians [who spread hate and are holier-than-thou].
I don’t like ads [when they distract from the content] and commercialized posts [when they're not written with personality and obviously just stuck in there to get money].
I don’t like kids [who are misbehaved and little shitheads while their parents ignore them].
I don’t respect uneducated people [who are uninformed and ignorant].
I can’t stand loud and obnoxious people [who are enjoying themselves at the expense of everyone else in the room].
You’re not any of those. And do you have a desire to defend hateful Christians or sites that are all ads or shithead kids or ignorant people or people who ruin the fun for everyone?
Why are you friends with me, when you look down on people who like comic books so much? Or who watch TV with such dedication? Or enjoy SciFi? I always feel compelled to defend the dragon-breath unwashed nerd who still lives with his parents while he plays Dungeons and Dragons, even though that is not who I am.
You are a multi-faceted person with much to offer. When it comes to new people, I tend to err on the pessimistic side. I’d rather assume they’re someone I’m going to hate and then learn that I’m wrong than always assume that I’ll like them only to learn that they’re a one-dimensional moron that I can’t stand. It’s more effortless, and my decision to do this is something I do. It has nothing to do with who you are. That’s why “not them”!
@avitable,
very, very well said.
@avitable, “Why are you friends with me, when you look down on people who like comic books so much? Or who watch TV with such dedication? Or enjoy SciFi? I always feel compelled to defend the dragon-breath unwashed nerd who still lives with his parents while he plays Dungeons and Dragons, even though that is not who I am.”
That isn’t true. I zone out when you talk about that. I don’t get it. But you’ll never hear me say generically “oh man, I hate SciFi geeks”. I just don’t get it. I rarely verbalize that.
I mean, I tease YOU about it – but that’s because you’re you.
I basically agree with Avitable.
@Maria, do you feel dirty having said that? lol
@Miss Britt,
Yes.
YES,
@Maria, oh, you DO not. You probably think I’m right all the time!
@avitable, Sadly, I do. And that disturbs me greatly.
I think it’s easy to make generalizations about groups of people. What makes you different is that they actually KNOW you and then those generalizations don’t seem to fit anymore. It’s not you; you’re not a fraud. It’s just human nature.
(Also the Google ad running right below your post? “I’m popular and you’re not. The #1 guide to social skills” rofl
@IzzyMom, oh Google, so funny. Fuckers. LOL
The thing is – I wish that once people KNEW me and figured out those generalizations didn’t fit, that they would THEN think “hm, maybe they don’t fit those other people I’ve judged either”.
It bothers me that knowing me doesn’t encourage that.
I loved this, Britt. I hadn’t thought of of that way before. And I liked Avitable’s comment almost as much.
@Dory, almost. But not quite as much, right? Because I am still soooo much cooler than Avitable.
You’re a devoted mother, not a blind mother. You admit that your children are not perfect, and there is more to you than, “Hi, I’m Emma and Devin’s mum.”
You write sponsored posts, but they are still written in your style. You run ads, but I run an ad-blocker so I don’t care.
Why shouldn’t you make money for entertaining me?
You believe in God, but you don’t care if I do.
You may not have a degree, but I have never questioned your intelligence. You’ve lived, and learned, and continue to do so.
You ARE loud, and I always listen to ‘Clearly, You’re Retarded’ with my finger on the volume button, ready for that moment when you start shrieking at Adam. It’s hilarious. =)
Can’t you see, Britt? All of those things that you’ve mentioned, all the different hats you wear? They make you a rounded, tolerant person, one that many people can relate to.
You don’t put people in little boxes. Perhaps they’re returning the favour?
– Lisa
(Sorry for not commenting lately. I think I made up for it with this novel. =P)
@Lisa, don’t ever apologize for not commenting lately. Dude, we’ve all got lives. It’s OK.
“Can’t you see, Britt? All of those things that you’ve mentioned, all the different hats you wear? They make you a rounded, tolerant person, one that many people can relate to.”
I do see that. I just want people to see that in OTHER people, too.
it is easy to lump people with the same characteristics into one nameable group. then folks outside of that group tend to take the most general group characteristics which they consider negatives and slam them. thing is, you are smart enough to realize the members of the group are more than a generalization because you are more than just one characteristic.
fuck, i am making no sense. too early in the morning. hopefully you know what i am trying to say.
p.s. i do the defending thing all of the time. in a weird way, i kind of love it. sure, i know i drive people crazy, but i have always sort of made it my responsibility to defend those not there to defend themselves. pack mentality drives me crazy.
@hello haha narf, “but i have always sort of made it my responsibility to defend those not there to defend themselves. pack mentality drives me crazy.”
And that’s how I feel. Going further with that – I feel like it’s my responsibility to make someone’s acceptance of me extend to more than just me.
I love your post. I don’t even know how to explain it or how it ties into the email I sent you a few weeks back about how you use your blog for good and not evil (remember that weird email). But somehow this post answered the question I asked — even if my question wasn’t clearly asked.
@Lin, well I’m glad for that.
Labels *should* be used to help us understand one another a little better, instead people use them to insulate themselves and spread hate. It sucks.I think Adam put it beautifully. I also think judgment and exclusion are difficult for you to understand because they’re so antithetical to who you are, and this is why *I* respect you so much. Because you don’t see the labels, you see people.
P.S. Who said you weren’t one of *those* Democrats?? That was just someone KYA. You’re totally one of those.
@Faiqa, “I also think judgment and exclusion are difficult for you to understand because they’re so antithetical to who you are”
that’s true.
Now – how do I inject that into other people? You know, cuz THAT’S MY JOB!! lol
Do you know that my own mother once said to my dad, “…because she’s not one of those Puerto Ricans” when he wondered why I didn’t know a phrase they use?
labels…
@Melanie (Modern Mami), woah. Just.. woah. What did you say to her??
@Miss Britt, It was a really long time ago & I was still in high school. I told her the obvious, “Since we moved to FL, of course I’m not going to be exactly like those that grow up on the island. And, if you don’t use that phrase every day, then how am I to learn it?”
Or something along those lines.
Which was the end of it. In our culture, you are taught early to respect & not argue. So, you learn to roll your eyes a lot and move on.
I am a defender, too. Totally. And I’ve also been accepted into groups effortlessly, so I know what you mean. Avitable basically said it for everyone. The difference is – your acceptance of everyone is what makes it easy for anyone to relate to you, and is why they don’t see you as “that kind”.
I just see you as the good kind, overall.
@Sybil Law, I think other members of “those groups” would be accepting to, if given the chances I have been.
Well, I come here and keep coming here because you are funny as hell and you one of those people who stand by their beliefs but will allow others to stand by their own beliefs. I think when we accept everyone for their differences we all learn something in the end. There are few issues where I’m firmly on one side or the other. I can usually see from my fence both sides of an issue and I see you that way, at least in your writing. I think that makes you an excellent mom because you have kids who have a mom who can see the validity in both sides of the fence/argument and you do the research and you put in the time to understand.
@~jtm, *blush* thank you.
I didn’t mean to make anyone feel like they had to tell me why I’m awesome. I just want people to see that if *I* am more well rounded than they originally thought, maybe other people are too.
I come here because I like you, and I like you because of all of “those things.” Yup.
@Mamacita, well, thank you. I can’t really argue with THAT, can I?
Avitable said it better than I ever could. I come here for you. You get it – this crazy life. That means a lot.
@Selma, I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I don’t get the people in this life. At all.
I’m just as clueless as the next guy on most days.
While I agree primarily with Avitable‘s above statement, allow me to address the specific points directed towards me (because it’s really all about me, and not about you at all):
Why, if you don’t like kids and “breeders”, do you come here – knowing I’m a devoted mother?
It’s about focus, or in your case the lack thereof. There are plenty of blogger’s who surrender their individual identity to transform into a mother. You haven’t surrendered that, although having children has shaped your growth. If suddenly Elmo replaced The Artist Formerly Known As Squiggly Line on your bedroom wall… then that would be the white flag and I would be forced to unsubscribe.
Why, if you can’t stand Christians, do you come here – knowing that I believe in God and Jesus and The Church?
Unless you splashed Shiny with some water in the form of the cross that I don’t know about, you’re not a Crusader Christian. Yes… I said the C word… Crusader… those who view their entire mission in the world as that of a converter to the faith, regardless of an individuals freedom to choose their relationship with God (or no God) for themselves, through any means necessary. Those are the Christians I can’t stand.
If you suddenly perform a ceremony of Transubstantiation and try to shove a cracker down Faiqa‘s gullet… then I would be forced to unsubscribe after declaring you excommunicated latae sententiae. Once you repent though, we can be cool and I’ll resubscribe… even if you only have one hand left after Faiqa bit off the offending one.
Why, if you don’t like ads and commercialization and sponsored posts, do you come here – knowing that I’m not above using this blog to make money?
You may actually be surprised to learn that I associate with quite a few people who make money from their blogs in the forms of ads and sponsored posts.
However, I don’t view them as personal bloggers, no matter how personal the subject matter may be. I view them as branded bloggers… because essentially that’s what they become… a brand that is a business of themselves. This is a choice that these bloggers have to consciously make. More importantly it is a choice they have the freedom to make.
If I feel they are not being transparent in their sponsorships, not being honest in their reviews, or doing it all with the sole purpose of earning money… if it is a subject matter I am not interested in, I will unsubscribe because I have enough clutter in my feed reader.
But now I have to ask this question… after all these years of blogging, have you not discovered that there is more depth to a person than just the one facet they show in a single post or even their entire blog? If you indeed have… then why is it so hard to believe that other people may have discovered the same?
@NYCWD, “But now I have to ask this question… after all these years of blogging, have you not discovered that there is more depth to a person than just the one facet they show in a single post or even their entire blog? If you indeed have… then why is it so hard to believe that other people may have discovered the same?”
It’s NOT! In fact, that’s what I WANT!
What is hard for me to understand is when other people DON’T seem to get that. Or more importantly – they get that for ME, but don’t extend that same depth of thought to others.
By the way, if I haven’t said this lately – I really value having someone like you in my life who always makes me stop and ask “is that what you really mean?”
Knowing I’ll possibly have to defend every damn thing I write/say makes me double check and reassess what I think/believe/say before just spouting off.
@Miss Britt, I think people do extend that depth of thought to others… but others don’t necessarily exhibit all their facets the same way or have a deeper level of like mindedness, so connections may be harder to make.
I think everyone needs their own Personal Devil’s Advocate, and I am happy to provide that to you free of charge.
All others pay cash.
Or PayPal.
I’m accepting like that.
@NYCWD, I think it sure doesn’t sound like people extend that depth of thought to others when they throw around terms like “Amway pushers”.
@Miss Britt, I think I used that term once, which hardly can be characterized as being thrown around. Besides, Amway Pushers are one step below Crusading Christians… only they usually have broken noses from the doors slammed in their faces instead of missing hands or digits.
See… it really is all about me.
@NYCWD, I think “thrown around” has to do with the thought that went into using a term as opposed to the frequency with which it’s used.
I mean, technically.
@Miss Britt, A word that gets “thrown around” is done so in a high frequency slowly losing it’s definitive quality over time. Some words like that are hot, cool, hate, love and awesome.
Technically.
@NYCWD, *shaking my fist at you!!!* lol
@NYCWD, & Britt Just FYI, I would bite off the right hand. Because Muslims don’t eat with the left, so I’m assuming I wouldn’t bite it off, either. This might be critical information if Britt does ever wake up and decide to shove a wafer down my throat.
@Faiqa, I think you would DEFINITELY bite off the left… because that is the hand that offends!!!
You’ll just use Scope mouthwash afterwards.
People tend to label those who are primarily one “way”. Using that as a guideline, you defy labeling since you have many facets to your blog writing.
Unlike myself (and others who read and comment here), you choose to write about many different topics.
I chose to write about my kids and my life as a Dad, you write about your kids sometimes.
Faiqa often writes about political and/or social commentary, you write about politics sometimes.
Avitable often writes about sex and/or toys, you write about sex toys sometimes.
See where I am going with this?
Do I love every one of your posts? Sorry, but the answer is, “No.” Nor do I connect with all of your posts. However, you write enough posts that I enjoy or can commiserate with, so I keep coming back.
@SciFi Dad, “Sorry, but the answer is, “No.”” Don’t apologize for that. If you loved me all the time I would think that was weird and creepy and that you didn’t have a mind of your own. And that would be boring.
You bring up a good point though – I CHOOSE, in my blog, to show different facets of myself. But that’s mainly just because I’m ADD and in all honesty it’s not a good…er… marketing? strategy.
Other people still HAVE those facets, I believe. They just don’t put them in their blog.
I want other people to remember that about THOSE people too.
Does that make sense?
Ok, I’m not going to talk about you- everyone else has done that, and you seem to be looking for the answer to the other part of your question: “why not them?”
“They” are a group – I don’t know “them” specifically. “They” engage in a certain behaviour that I can’t relate to. For example, “they” may constantly preach about God and the church. “They” may tell me every single cute thing that their child does. “They” may write meaningless 3 line sponsored posts essentially asking us to click click click. “You” don’t.
So there may be a lot of “thems” that do everything that you’ve listed above, some of them are annoying and are criticized. Some of them are fantastic and universally adored.
I think everyone knows that when you talk about a certain group of this or that, there’s always exceptions.
However, the thing is Britt, I honestly don’t know why you would even consider yourself any one of those things (Mommy blogger, Christian blogger, paid blogger etc.). With someone as diverse as you, it’s impossible to put you into one category. The problem with those groups is that they only do one thing, and at best it gets boring.
Your blog? Definitely not that.
@Princess of the Universe, thank you for recognizing I was most concerned with “why not them”.
I think the difference is that I tend to see someone like me as being more of the rule than the exception. I think MOST people are varied in their behaviors, beliefs, principles, etc.
They just aren’t all up in your face with all of it like I am.
Well I think your previous commenters have done the heavy lifting here. Through my various life experiences I have dealt with people from every walk of life–from the very rich and famous to the weakest of the weak. It has taught me to pay attention.
@Turnbaby, which is why I very rarely hear you use labels.
I mean, unless you’re talking about Adam. hehehhehe
I was that kid in high school that was in the band, but also best friends w/ the head cheerleader and I dated the unknown guys.
I’m more of an equal-opportunity friend. Everyone welcome!
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], I really, really dig that about you.
Remind me again why we’ve only met once??
@Miss Britt, cause i’m kind of a hermit w/ two small kids and you live an hour away – but with Snacksters coming to town, we must MUST hook up. well, at least meet up. hook ups can come later.
First of all, where were you when I was in high school? I was one of the “others” in high school and although I once almost got the date with the homecoming courted cheerleader, ultimately she could not say yes because of her “status.”
Seeing this “them” and “us” happening in the blog world is such a crazy carry over to me. People yell at various people for “selling out” or not “keeping it real”, or any other numerous labels. It’s the same mentality bullshit from high school. People actually worry and concern themselves with driving traffic and attention to their blogs and what they might “owe” to their readers. Funny, but the last time I checked your blog was YOURS and you’re not required to have one. I read blogs for various reasons. Work related blogs, personal interests, or just cause I like someone’s style. However you will never catch me criticizing what’s on it, what content they choose to share, or how often they change the GUI. I write my own blog, I choose what I want to write about and how much I want to expose to the world. I don’t care who reads it or who gets offended or any of the nonsense. It is my domain and I will do with it whatever I want. It is where I can go and not be made to feel like an “other” because I talk different or because I’m small or nerdy or anything else.
To me, your blog is just about you and all you are interested in and viewpoints on life. I don’t always agree or share the same feeling, but who am I to tell you how to be you? I found your blog cause my wife told me she met you and you live around the corner. I chose to stick around because I like you and I like your personality. We’ve never met, but I know we’d get along when we do.
Never let the cliques control who you are or what you do. Especially in your domain. This blog is where you can be you and no one else can change or take that away except yourself.
@Hockeyman, lucky for you, sounds like you met some other chic a lot like me.
@Miss Britt, yeah… he’s lucky alright. lucky i put up with his shit.
I read your blog because of you. Not because you are a Mom or a democrat or a christian. And if you are making a buck on your site, all the better. You are kind and warm and Funny! And someone who makes me laugh is always cool. And if we were all alike, what a boring world it would be.
Sent you an email with a slightly more personal reason that I read you.
@ballerinatoes, I don’t know if you could ever know what an email like yours means to someone like me.
Stopped me dead in my tracks. So thank you.
This is a great post. A GREAT post. By you. Yes, I mean you. : )
@John, and I know you do, too.
What you’re struggling with is the fact that you don’t just accept stereotypes. The truth is, most people do, even though they know those stereotypes don’t ever really describe any one person. At least, most people realize that anyhow.
Making blanket statements about X group is just so easy, and whenever you’re making judgments on who you’re going to find worth your time or respect, those blanket statements make quick work of all the many different considerations one has to make.
YOU are different in that respect. While it places a large burden on your shoulders, having to bear the guilt of so many other people’s hastening to stereotype, it really says a lot about who you are, and honestly, there’d be a lot less animosity between cliques and people groups if more people thought like you do.
@Thursday’s Child, “What you’re struggling with is the fact that you don’t just accept stereotypes. The truth is, most people do, even though they know those stereotypes don’t ever really describe any one person. At least, most people realize that anyhow.”
Yes. Exactly.
And even more…
when I see someone who normally accepts stereotypes move beyond that with ME, I KNOW then that they are capable of doing it and I want them to keep going with other people, too.
I’ve always been one of those people who floats among several groups and have found myself saying the same things you have.
I like you because I like YOU. Even when when you say “penis” really loudly in a restaurant. In fact, that’s WHY I like you. You’re genuine and warm and funny and completely, without apology, in-your-face. What you see is what you get and people respond to that.
@Finn, we are such kindred spirits, my love.
Oh, you’re one of those.
@Dave2, you’re such a fucker. LOL
Great post! In Avitable’s comment he says he wants to say “it isn’t about you” and what I get from you, Britt, is that this is your entire point. It isn’t about you… what about the other “mommy bloggers” or “christians” or “loud and obnoxious people”?
Is it possible that if we knew them, we wouldn’t hate them either? And even if you add the qualifier, “I don’t respect uneducated people who are uninformed and ignorant” is it possible that even those people, if given the opportunity could show us that while they haven’t had the same educational opportunities in life they are still worthy of respect for other reasons? I’m not saying there isn’t anyone worth hating… of course there is.
Individuals can be worth hating, but not entire groups of people that you’ve never met — especially when the hate only serves to make you feel better about yourself.
@Dawn, I am sitting here at my desk literally shouting to no one “Yes! Yes! THANK YOU!!”
My Lord, woman, you get me.
Can I just copy and paste
“Is it possible that if we knew them, we wouldn’t hate them either? And even if you add the qualifier, “I don’t respect uneducated people who are uninformed and ignorant” is it possible that even those people, if given the opportunity could show us that while they haven’t had the same educational opportunities in life they are still worthy of respect for other reasons?”
Yes. I could have just said that and had my whole damn post.
Very well put.
Even if there’s never a level of understanding, I’d love to start with people owning up to the things they say. So that if they’re going to talk about “those people,” they will at least own up to the fact that they’re talking about you as well. Because when they say, “Oh, no, you’re different,” they’re not just trying to make you feel better; they’re trying to make themselves feel better about the fact that they just got caught smacking on you. Maybe if they came to terms with what they were saying about their friends, they would start thinking before they started talking about “us” and “them.”
@MonsteRawr, “Maybe if they came to terms with what they were saying about their friends, they would start thinking before they started talking about “us” and “them.””
THAT is what I want. THAT is exactly what I’m asking of my friends when they start qualifying how awesome *I* am.
Yes. Yes. Mighty Fist Pump, YES!
I agree completely with Avitable. I come here for the vairiety, the wit and humor and because I think we are a lot alike. I was “that girl” in high school too and it has continued into my adult life. I, like you, wonder why we have to fit into certain categories when it would be so much easier to just be whatever we are and accept other for their differences.
Keep the good stuff coming! I’ll keep coming back for more…
@perpstu, I appreciate that. I do. I don’t know you well enough to know if you seek out that variety in other people – but I hope that you do.
Oh my- you just described my life to a tee-
Are you a Libra? striving for balance at all times?
nice writeup Would love to link to this from my blog
@notasoccermom, link away!
And no. I’m a capricorn. I SUCK at balance! LOL
Because I agree with Adam and Dawg, I will say this…what they said. Ahem. However, here is what I want to add:
I think we all tend to lump people into one category and when we do that, they can seem more annoying as a whole. I certainly do NOT want to be in a room full of mommybloggers discussing things like play dates and pamper parties however if I am a friend and/or a reader of someone who is a Mom, I actually care about what their kids are up to. If a group of fundamental Christians is in the same room, I won’t even go near that room and hello…I am Christian myself. Blog full of Republican posters and readers? Pffft…no thank you. I would probably get into too many fights.
However, when we start to look at people as INDIVIDUALS, that all changes. Being Christian, a Mom, a Democrat, blah blah blah…those are all small pieces of you that make up the whole wonderful package. As someone who has often been judged as just one thing (“the fat girl” or “the divorce chick”), I have always striven to look beyond the group of people that I cannot stand and find the individuals that I can.
Too bad not all people want to do that.
@Hilly, and that’s what I want. For people to see people as individuals first.
Although, yeah, I don’t expect to be hanging out on conservative blogs anytime soon. But I’ll happily talk to you one on one.
You know what I also like about you? You get annoyed by those “group” behaviors – but you don’t go out of your way to bitch about it. Sure, if asked you’ll say “oh yeah, that annoys me” – but otherwise you typically think “fuck, that’s annoying” and move on.
As ever, you take something I’ve always felt deep down and put it out there with so much more thought and eloquence than I ever could.
So much so that all I can do is point out – and hope you can see my point without my dumb comment taking away from what you said – but truly, I think that may be why I really liked High School Musical, because it was the first time I ever saw anything for kids making this point. That nobody’s “just a” whatever. I think it’s a good thing if we can all learn that as early as possible.
Oh I read them too.
I come here because it’s like looking in a mirror.
Only your mirror has a much more eloquent writer because I’m thinking your small town high school had a better english dept. than mine.
Dear Miss Britt:
I read your post as I ate my cereal this morning. I was greatly moved. All the while when I was showering and dressing I had all these brilliant, insightful, compassionate and encouraging thoughts. Now I find myself tongue tied.
I think you have a rare gift. It is the gift of compassionate insight. Very few people have it. In addition it looks to me like you are strongly motivated to use it as a way to build bridges of understanding and acceptance. Perhaps you are beginning to see a vision of a possibly more peaceful world, something that is sorely needed in this time of increasing intolerance, anger and violence.
You say that you believe in God, Jesus and The Church. I encourage you to pray to God and ask Him how He wants you to use this gift He has given you. And if you know any church people, or others, who might share your desire to be inclusive and who are engaged in inclusive activities I encourage you to share with them and learn from them.
As I read the gospels, the most striking thing I see about Jesus is his inclusiveness. The “golden rule” is based on the assumption that everyone, not just Jesus’s fellow Jews, is included. The parable of the Good Samaritan amplifies this inclusiveness. Remember that the Samaritans were to Jews in Jesus’s day like the Palestinians are to Israelis in our day. The woman at the well to whom Jesus gave the gift of “living water” was also a Samaritan.
And, finally, perhaps as a very loose parallel with your membership in different groups, Jesus was roundly berated for eating with gentiles and sinners. Why did he do that? I believe he was motivated by an all-inclusive vision of God’s love. He belonged both to the Jews, God’s Chosen People, but also to the wider world, especially to those people who were commonly seen by his fellow Jews as being outsiders.
Jesus was different. You are different. There are also others who are different. I’m thinking of Martin Luther King, Ghandi and Archbishop Desmond Tutu as well as many others who are unknown but who work for reconciliation and peace. I recently read Archbishop Tutu’s latest book “God Has a Dream.” I believe it was not merely a stylistic device that he begins each chapter with the words “Dear child of God…”
Am I encouraging you to become a Jesus figure, or to immerse yourself in peacemaking and justice issues like King or Tutu? Certainly not. What I am encouraging you to do is to become more aware of your gift for inclusiveness and acceptance. And if you are so moved, to begin to think about ways that you can use it. You don’t have to give grand speeches or lead marches. A quiet word here and there as appropriate can have tremendous impact. I think of these quiet gestures as throwing a pebble into a pool. The ripples flow out in all directions and we have no idea where they end up.
Finally, I want to say a word about your self-characterization as a “traitor” to your group. We all want to be accepted. One way to do that is to join groups of people who share our basic attitudes. But do we have to share EVERY attitude? I would say that we do not, and we should not. I try to tell myself as often as I can that my friends like me for who I am, and that includes my ideas and attitudes they may not agree with. I have been doing psychotherapy for a little over two years for anxiety. I discovered a little while ago that I have developed the technique of manipulating people into liking me. I felt I had to please them so they would like me and give me the sense of security and nurturance that I craved. Since I have given that up I have found a new peace and self-acceptance at the core of my being. I’m still struggling with the implications of that insight.
Much of this may be way more than what you are ready for. I hope you will take from it what seems helpful right now. Perhaps, as you mature and grow into your more fully developed self you may find other ideas that will be useful to you. I hope so.
Good luck on your journey.
Don
@Don, so if I pray hard enough for Her to show me Her boobs, do you think it will work?
@avitable, you know, you might not agree with everything he said here – but that was a dick comment to make.
He didn’t say I should pray for someone else to do something.
And *I* happen to believe in the power of prayer, thank you very much. And it doesn’t at all mean I believe if I pray hard enough someone else will suddenly do something.
But thanks for making my point for me today.
@Miss Britt, not sure how that was a dick comment to make. I was talking about praying to you as a joke.
@avitable, yeah. I know. And you why you felt the need to pick out a serious, obviously heartfelt comment, and make a joke is beyond me.
@Miss Britt, well, luckily, I’m the one mocking the serious and heartfelt comment, not you.
I just think you’re cute.
@Kimberly, ditto.
Avitable:
Thanks for the irreverent humor. I am all too often much too serious. Even so, I hope you will consider my ideas and Miss Britt’s.
By the way: Whose boobs were you referring to? God’s or Miss Britt’s?
Don
@Don, always and forever, Britt’s.
Well, everything has pretty much been said, so I’ll just point out that I can’t help but notice that whenever Adam comments to something Britt says, the replies are 10-12 windows thick!
I love you because you are funny, kind, and a well-rounded person. And you like me back. Awesome!
@Shash, how could anyone NOT like you back?
I really feel you in this post, girl. I see me and I see you. I get you. I do.
@maggie, dammit, yeah – I don’t see you out with a labelmaker very often either.
Whall – I don’t know what the hell happened to your comment! I tried to edit it because it had some weird link in it and it disappeared!!!
it said:
I think the problem is we don’t have ENOUGH labels. People stop at just one and let that be the only label that defines a person.
He’s a Republican.
She’s a Mommy Blogger.
They’re Black.
He’s fat.
She’s rich.
He’s young.
He’s ugly.
You’re retarded.
She’s moustached.
He’s a nerd.
She’s a lesbian.
She’s a he.
He’s old.
She’s androgynous.
He’s Christian.
or… put another way…
I’m better.
We need lots and lots of labels. Label upon label upon label. Some labels are permanently etched upon us while other labels have weak adhesive and might be swiped right off of us for the smallest of reasons.
Most labels on people are appropriate and accurate, but they should be used like the nutrition labels on the side of a jar of food – a list of ingredients that make up the person, and when mixed with other foods can create a recipe of gourmet friendship.
However, if one is allergic to gluten, it’s best to avoid it.
I still have no idea where I fit in. But whatever. I’m me.
And you are a mommy-blogger… You’re just one of the cooler ones. (:
I dub the The Deleter
i like to write about poop. i don’t want to know that that “says” about me.
today, i drifted from stories about defecating in public places, however, and wrote about watching two mating dogs get chased out of the yard while still interlocked. it really is fascinating. if you’re a sick fuck.
I read this post and all the comments and I am rendered speechless.
Not a common condition for me.
This is remarkable post and I wish that I could say more.
Because you’re a mom living your life and brave enought to put it out there for everyone to read. That’s why I stop by to see what you have to say everyday, except when I go to Panera for lunch.
People don’t always fit into neat cookie cutters. We are all unique and that is what is wonderful about the world of blogging.
here’s my thing, just because i’m not like someone else that doesn’t mean i can’t learn something from someone, or i can’t laugh with them, or at their silly antics, that i can’t agree with them even when i disagree with other stuff…i read blogs that are as diverse as our world…everyone lives their lives as they see fit and who the hell am i to dictate to them that they are wrong or stupid or out of place…i might disagree, i might not see it the way they do, however that doesn’t make me more right or them less worth my time…until you start espousing hate of another, then i’m all good with however you choose to live your life…
WooHoo! Fuck Yeah! 1032 daily readers… Try Opprobrius.blogspot.com it is one of those OTHER places you are NOT visiting.
Uh… was that a buzz killer to try and steal readers? Stealing readers is cool, right? You can try to steal mine if you want, but I gotta warn you, you HAVE to send my Mom a new link to your blog EVERY day. It’s a real pain in the ass.
I only know I hate being labeled anything, as anything…I don’t like it when what I do, what I look like, what I like and don’t like fall into a “category,” and I’m ashamed of myself in that first instance of seeing anyone I’ve never seen before when a part of me makes an instant checklist, an instant assessment, an instant label and it sort of translucently covers them.
I have to work extra hard to peel it away to see the real person. And no one likes anyone judgmental. Especially when we know how judgmental we are ourselves. It’s just so much easier to confine my judgment to people who judge…so at least I have to hear them speak or read what they write to know. And even then…thanks for these lovely posts, and for finding yourself alongside all of us finding ourselves and writing about it. Rori Raye
Again, wow! You are an amazing blogger! That post would make a great motivational speech at a high school or anywhere for that matter. Why aren’t more people willing to admit things like this? Tolerance is not a bad thing.
I think instead of trying to get people to try and see past their own prejudices, try to get people to go beyond their so called label. If you are a “band geek”, join other clubs and activities as well.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be proud of the fact that you are can rock the cello like no other – but let people see the other things that you can be.
I don’t think it is up to everyone else to see the real me – it’s up to me to let the real me shine.
And if people are still against it? Fuck ‘em. Because I like being the girl that was in about forty different clubs in high school, took all honors classes but failed math every semester, argued with the teachers and was on first name basis with the librarians.
We’re all just people, hon. Living our lives in any way we know how. And we try so very hard to belong to anyone and anything that we label. Labeling is comforting. Labeling puts everything and everyone in its place. And snarking at someone else’s labels? Makes us feel better about our own little labels.
But the only labels that matter are HUMAN, LOVED, and FRIEND.
And you? Are all of those.
People are so much more than their individual personality traits and quirks and it’s the overall package that I enjoy. Are there things that you say that make me roll my eyes or that I disagree with? Well, sure, but it would be bizarre if I was nodding at every word you said. I’m not really big on the label thing either, but it really does make it easy to compartmentalize people, wrong or not. Does my response even make sense? I’m beginning to think no so I’m just going to end this here.
Keep breaking down those walls Britt, one brick at a time. I’d like to think that tolerance is growing in our society, but I don’t have any hard data to back that up. You are part of the solution, though. I doubt you’ll ever see too many comments of, “Wow, I never thought of it that way. You’ve really changed my perceptions!” That doesn’t mean it doesn’t actually happen though. It’s hard when the fruits of your labors are often invisible or immeasurable.
People come here for your wit, candor, and to help publicly mock Avitable. They stay here after realizing there is more to you than that….and to continue to mock Avitable.