You asked me this morning as you were leaving if I was mad at you.
I told you I wasn’t, and I meant it.
I also told you that I was just stressed, that I was carrying a lot on my shoulders right now and it was hard.
You told me to let you take some of it. I snapped and told you that you couldn’t, that you knew that you couldn’t. I tried to salvage the goodbye conversation with an “I love you” and a “don’t worry about it”, but I’m pretty sure the last impression was already cemented.
I don’t say the words as well as I write them, sometimes.
I know when I say “I’m carrying a lot and it’s hard”, you hear “I’m carrying too much”. I know when you say “let me take some of it”, you mean it. I love that. I hear that, and I hear that you’re willing to do anything to make me happy.
Thank you for that. Truly.
“I’m carrying a lot and it’s hard” doesn’t mean I want you to carry it. The extra work, the extra financial stuff – we already know it’s not something you can do right now. I get that. We get that. And I am 150% OK with that.
When I say “it’s hard” I don’t mean “and I blame you for making it hard”.
When I say “it’s hard” I mean “know that it’s hard. See that it’s hard, and cheer me on.”
That’s what I need most from you. To know that I’m not struggling in the dark. To be reminded that it’s part of something bigger – that it’s my part of our something bigger.
Love. Encouragement. And yes, a thank you – not because I think I’m doing more than my fair share, but because sometimes it’s nice to be told thank you even for doing the shit you’re supposed to do. It’s extra, I know. But sometimes, when it’s hard, it’s the extra that keeps you going.
So no, baby. I’m not mad.
I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m working my ass off with no visible results right now and I’m searching frantically for the positive reinforcement I need to keep going.
I need you to be that positive reinforcement. Because no one’s cheering in the whole world has the power that yours does. No one’s approval or support or love or gratitude holds a candle to the acknowledgment that only you can give.
I love you,
Britt
P.S. If you could also explain to me how it is that you are not pulling your hair out for some alone time, that would be awesome. Because my mom and I are coming up with a few theories of our own and – well – let’s just say you might want to cut us off.
P.P.S A blog post? I know. I’m working on my communication skills.
P.P.P.S I also think that a back rub says “wow, you are doing awesome! Good job! Keeping going!” really well. If you’re looking for ideas. I mean, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job or anything. I’m just saying, that’s an option.
P.P.P.P.S You forgot to pack Emma’s lunch this morning.
P.P.P.P.P.S But you made coffee, so, YAY! Coffee!
P.P.P.P.P.P.S I really do love you more than life itself. XO
UPDATE: Apparently your daughter is a liar and you did in fact make lunch you just didn’t pack the right lunch and she doesn’t wannnnnt Jello and whyyyyy does she have to have Jello and wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Daaaaaaddddddddeeeeeeeee…. waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh….
So scratch that part.
Where are my sandwiches? It’s lunch time.
Jello gets runny if it sits out… I can see why Emma didn’t want it. She probably wanted pudding instead.
Men need alone time too! Well, I do, at least.
This is the most heartfelt letter I ahve read in a long time and I dont know if you know this BUT alot of us women are applauding you right now cuz we all feel the same way! I just went back to work full time to help with the bills and stuff and hubby feels that because I am stressed he is not doing something right! Thanks for saying it so well!
Never Jello. Always pudding. Jello shouldn’t even exist anymore. As a society we should have moved past it long ago.
This is a terrific ad for staying single.
Awwww Babe! Hugs to both of you!
I think that saying ‘thank you’ for making the effort for the good of the whole is important–both in saying it and in accepting the thanks.
And you know what? Saying it in a blog post is better than never addressing it. Men are wired to think that if we are stressed it’s because they aren’t doing something they should be doing–that’s not fair to men or women but it’s there.
Was it wrong that I giggled about the lunch thing?
Britt, I know this was personal between you and your husband, but I can SO relate. When my husband was laid off last year, I added hours to pick up the slack. He would always feel guilty when he could see how tired I was, and I felt guilty complaining about being tired. I wish I could have articulated what I was feeling back then 1/2 as eloquently as you just did.
Dear All Jell-O Haters,
Please send me your unwanted Jell-O.
Thanks,
-NYCWD
I tend to lurk here, but this was so well said that I couldn’t read it all and not let you know how it touched me.
Thank you for putting my thoughts in to words.
That was a very lovely letter. I wish I could be as eloquent to Misk as that…Cause me? I.suck. at. expression. Even in my blog.
Maybe you should teach a class on that shit…communication is communication, right?
How perfectly put. I need to wirte a letter like this to MY boyfriend. I have been super stressed lately, and hadn’t even considered that he would feel like he was supposed to fix it. Unless he can write my masters thesis for me, he will need to help by doing his dishes and back rubbings
Ok, I am going to be honest, when I first saw thispost in my reader, I thought it was a letter to the Subway guy. But it wasn’t. It was the sweetest letter, that i LITERALLY could have written myself these days. You said stuff I wish I could say to my husband’s face…but don’t.
I want to cut, paste, change the names and then hand this to my husband. Sometimes I’m just dying for a thank you. Yes, I KNOW it’s my job to keep the kid alive and thriving and to keep the house from falling into squalor, but still.
@Mama Bub, one thing I’ve learned is to say ‘thank you’ first. You may already be doing that but I think it’s important to be as willing to say it.
You’re so much like us, it’s scary. Go team! (we even do the ‘Wonder Twin Activated!!’ fist bump. Not to be confused with Obama & Michelle’s fisting.)
Men have a “must fix it now” mentality, it seems. I know Ty-man is that way and when I saw that something is wrong with me, he gets frustrated that he can’t fix it, when all I want him to do it listen.
Great post, hon. I think all us gals could use this post, just insert our own significant other’s name after “Dear.”
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, We were have the same thought at the same time! Great minds…
@Finn, Total great minds, babe!
Men are fixers. They want to make it better. And I so love that he said that. Even if it’s not what you needed, it speaks volumes.
And hey, communication is communication, right? Today a blog post, tomorrow a note on the fridge, then who knows — an actual conversation.
@Finn, communication is pretty darn scary but the rewards are SO GREAT!
LOVE the post, and I laughed at the last one. Jello. Ha Ha Ha!
I’m going to bookmark this one to copy and paste and totally take the credit for on an off day some time soon.
Except mine doesn’t pack lunch, he gets it packed for him.
You lucky duck you!
I love you darling
[...] the way – I really want to encourage people to read Britt’s post today – and then this one too – about why it is that women seem to be the ones talking about needing more [...]
Okay, so I’m just going to send my husband over here to read what you wrote, because you are so much more eloquent than I ever could be.
Can I just tell you? I wanna marry someone like Jared. Just the fact that he asked you to “carry some of your stress” melted my heart.
And I LOVE the PS section of the letter too. I hope Jared realizes how good he has it….
Can Jared come make my lunch? I promise not to get pissed if he gives me Jello, as long as it’s sugar-free Jello. I also won’t lie and say he didn’t pack my lunch.
In my house, a backrub will always, always cure what ails ya. And it works both ways, too. Sometimes it is better to give than to receive. Not always, mind you – but sometimes.
The “thank you” for the shit you’re supposed to do goes a LOOOONG way. If only mens knew that.
(I guess it can go both ways tho. I gotta get on that.)
The back rub thing? Sheer genius. Jared – It works! Really!! An hour long back rub is the cure!!! (So is making dinner and doing dishes. Just so you know.)
>>This comment is being deleted at the commenter’s request.
Because we exchanged emails.
Not because I delete the comments of people who disagree with and/or piss me off. Just so we’re clear.
<<
I love this. I’m stealing this. Not today, but soon. When I find I need to say something like this and he won’t receive it orally. Er…verbally. You know what I mean!
Did Jared actually read this? Just out of curiosity..I hope he did, because it is a very sweet letter and seriously, so…peaceful. (and I don’t mean as opposed to argumentative, just so well thought out and stated, as opposed to a knee-jerk emotional reaction; and I think it would be very well received and HEARD). And also, I LOVED that he was on the recipient email list regarding the impending birthday party ’cause seriously, that is hilarious–that is how I would also communicate it to my husband. Also, Shari called a pair of Crocs SEXY–and I am a little disappointed that the world is still on it’s axis and I have yet to read/see/hear any repercussions from you regarding it. Just sayin’. You must be -really- busy for that one to slide by.
Did I just commit a federal offense by reading Jared’s mail? Bake me a cake with a file in it, ok? — this is your fault, after all.
If women would make up their dang minds and not have “I’m cold” *ACTUALLY MEAN* “honey, I’d like you to turn the heat up”, then we’d get somewhere!
Only women can turn a statement of fact into an expectation of action.
PS: You’ve not commented on my blog in a while.
@whall,
did you really just beg for a comment? can i make fun of you now?
@hello haha narf, yes you may. However, I will state for the record that my irony speaks for itself.
And can I say that I think it’s awesome that the reply box comes pre-filled with the @person part.
get out of my head. Oh, and I love you guys.
xoxo
This is something so many women experience. Very eloquently put. I disagree with one thing, however – you can never have too much jello. Never!!
Awww. You guys are so wonderful. A good relationship is not one that doesn’t have problems. It’s one where both people want to solve the problems. It’s the desire that makes the difference. So, *you* can borrow my “Best Marriage” trophy any time you like.
In exchange for your “Mother of the Year” trophy, of course.
I feel like you do a lot of the time, right down to the guilt for snapping at my wife.
I hope your shit sorts itself out.
I like Jello. And I like pudding. Guess what matters is what you are in the mood for, and it can be wrong no matter what you put in.
The most perfect letter of explanation/apology to a husband that I have ever seen. He’d be a fool not to feel better after that.
A back rub does indeed say “wow, you are doing awesome! Good job! Keeping going!”
Jello is awesome. Emma is a knucklehead if she doesn’t think so.
Furthermore:
YAY! Coffee!!
FMD
dear jared ,
i am sorry for laughing at your wife when she is writing such a wonderful letter to you.
xoxo,
becky
It may just be a blog post, but it’s still a step in the right direction, communication wise.
And I’ll take the Jell-o. I like the Jell-o.
Jared might want to consider flowers and putting a highly processed lasagna in the oven from time to time too. (The flowers aren’t suppose to go in the oven, just the lasagna.
)
Britt, you crack me up.