There are two things you need to know to understand what I’m about to tell you:
1) Once in a while, I wear a thong. As in that underwear that is mostly loin cloth in the front and string up your butt in the back.
2) I haven’t been alone in a bedroom or bathroom since 1999 when my first child was born.
Knowing all that, it will make perfect sense to you how I came to be standing in nothing but a pair of thong underwear one morning, in front of my three year old.
“Mom, what’s that?”
I’m busy washing my face or brushing my teeth, some mundane task that doesn’t warrant remembering. “What’s what?” I ask, in the way that mothers do when we’re not really listening and just going through the motions of parenting. Oh like you don’t do that.
She giggles. “Thaaaaat,” she says – because of course Thaaaaat is much more explicit than that.
“What? What’s that what?” I’m still going through the morning routine drill and beginning to wonder how long I can drag out this conversation that is not about what the child is going to wear today.
“That. In your butt.”
I’m listening now. And looking, too. Specifically, I’m looking at the small child who is pointing her small finger at my backside.
“Oh, thaaaaat. Thaaaaat is mom’s underwear.”
She cocks her head to the side and I can see she’s trying to put pieces together in her mind. But she’s doing it quietly, so I go back to getting ready.
She breaks into the silence again after a few moments. “Why is your butt eating your underwear?”
“What? It’s not! My butt is not eating anything, thank you very much! It’s just different. It’s underwear that grown ups wear sometimes.” I’m searching for my pants at this point and starting to feel like my daughter has caught me in a leather harness or something.
She stares wordlessly back at me for another moment and then turns and leaves the room.
I breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve finally found a pair of pants.
“Why does mommy’s butt eat…” I grumble. “I’m sure it looks like it probably could devour small children…” I’m muttering to myself still when she stomps back into the room.
She’s wearing nothing but a pair of her own underwear. It is, obviously, not a thong.
She marches up to me and twirls around. She thrusts her tiny little backside in my direction and points at it, hard to emphasize her point.
“This is underwear. See? Underwear. does not. go in butts. Butts. do not. eat. underwear.”
I am speechless in the face of her conviction. It’s all I can do to nod at her, showing her my acceptance of her lesson with my mouth hanging open.
She taps her cheek, a cheek that is clearly covered by an ample stretch of cotton. Again, hard to emphasize her point.
“See? Underwear. On. Butt.”
Triumphant, she marches back out of my bedroom and into her own, where she will no doubt pick out a pair of pink bermuda shorts to wear with her Green Bay Packers jersey.
And I’m left standing there, alone in my room for the first time in years, having just been schooled on proper lingerie by my preschooler.
Ooh dat dress so scandalous
And ya know another nigga couldn’t handle it
See ya shakin that thang like who’s da ish
With a look in ya eye so devilish
@avitable, Hilarious!!
Kids. And this is why I scream, “Mama needs some privacy!!” anytime I’m going to the bathroom. (Sometimes, I just *pretend* to go to the bathroom and scream it. Mother of the year, I know.)
I’ve never laughed this hard in my life.
Good stuff.
Your daughter is awesome.
Hilarious!!
At least she didn’t add
“And how come, when you walk, it looks like your butt is chewing gum?”
Emma for the win.
Kids are so honest.
Somedays I hate that.
Oh my. Butt-eating underwear. I’m laughing so hard right now and it’s late and I’m giddy, and that is absolutely wonderfully hysterical! Thank you for sharing, really. I owe you…something, not sure what.
Remind her of this little conversation the first time you find HER thong in YOUR clothes dryer! And it WILL happen and your eyes will bug out of your head and you will “drop it like it’s hot”.
At my sister-in-law’s wedding (she was the youngest in the family) my mother-in-law said “Thank God, NOW I can go to the bathroom by myself!”
I don’t think I could love your daughter any more at this point. She is too unbelievably cute.
She’s adorable. Bless her!
Quality teachings.
And I am shocked to learn that your boss accompanies you to the toilet too, whoever answers the phone?
I think I hurt myself laughing.
Butts get hungry too.
You know she’s right.
When I read the title I thought you were gonna talk about the thong at Seaworld.
But, this….is even funnier.
LOVE that child! if i could pay her to give that lesson to a few other people i know, i so would.
damn, that is hysterical, britt.
p.s. that photo of emma is stunning. not only is she beautiful, but the way you have captured her really is phenomenal.
OMG………….I am rolling here at my desk at work. By the way it’s 7:15am and it’s just my boss and I and she’s looking at me like I am CRAZY!
Hysterical!
Have I mentioned lately that I love Emma?!
that’s hilarious! this is also the first time i’ve visited your site, haha. i’ll be coming back
i’ll probably still be laughing.
LMAO
She’s her mother’s daughter
Anyone who has ever suffered a wedgie at the hands of their older brother knows that underwear does not go in butts.
That’s a smart kid.
I think I peed myself a little! lol
She’s totally right.
And crazy cute!
She’s on to something there… while I love the no-panty-lines effect of the thong, butts should NOT eat underwear.
After fighting the constantly crazy Central Florida traffic this morning, I was in need of a good laugh… thanks for delivering before you knew what I wanted!
That is my favorite story on any blog. Ever.
Panty lines on three year olds are adorable. Their moms? Not so much.
I think your daughter may have a future career as a copywriter for Fruit of the Loom’s ad agency.
“Butts should not eat underwear” sounds like a perfect tagline to me!
That is a very wise child you have there. Very wise.
I’m sure EVERYONE is going to quote this, but wow, genius: “This is underwear. See? Underwear. does not. go in butts. Butts. do not. eat. underwear.”
I LOVE HER.
Oh dear Jesus I may have just peed my pants! She’s right – underwear should never go in butts! Thongs be the devil’s underwear!
that is funny funny stuff…i totally feel ya on not going to the bathroom alone in eons…i complain to the hubby that at least HE gets to shut the door and be alone..when i do that, all hell breaks loose!
Beyond funny! Never forget this story. And repeat it as often as possible.
Me and my underwear eating butt are laughing our thong off!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
I was getting ready for a date once and I had on my shirt and a thong. I was doing my hair and my four year old came and was watching. After a few minutes he said “mom, I think you have a wedgie.”
How does she know these things? Sounds like the kids have already discussed this on the playground. Hysterical..thanks.
All I can say is AbSoFuckingLutely HILARIOUS!
True story. It was 1983 and my little Amy was 3-1/2 yrs old. The Hefty trash bag commercials were on TV all the time. You’ll remember the little diddy in a moment. I am in the bathroom, drying my hair, just showerd and undressed. Amy comes in and puts the palms of her hands on each of my ‘cheeks’ and lifts them up and down as she says, in a deep voice, “Hefty, hefty, hefty!” Then grabs her own cheeks and says, in a tiny voice, “Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!”
This is not my story but one told to me by a friend. Daughter’s name has been changed to protect the guilty.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
That’s awesome.
I literally fell over laughing. Oh my goodness, she certainly told you!
Though, I gotta be impressed that you wear a thong. I haven’t worn one since getting pregnant with my first. My butt probably would eat a pair, it’s big enough.
OMG… love this blog! That is so funny… probably cuz it has happened to me. I too, wear the occasional thong… and yea, all 3 of my children at one point or another have seen me in one… not a pretty sight I am sure… now I have to lock my pantie drawer cuz I have a teenager who insists she has to wear a thong with certain pants… NOPE… I DONT think so!
See, now that’s the way to start a day…hilarious!! Kids are just so honest! You’re going to have to remind her about that lesson when she’s older!
Priceless!
I have to admit, I’m with her.
Ha. That’s funny.
Frankly, I think she’s genius…and you are hysterical.
that was priceless!
Oh goodness, that’s priceless.
Oh my God. This is classic. I love kids. I thought you were going to tell the lady at SeaWorld story. Not that there was much to tell (or much hidden). There are thongs, and then there are thongs.
Susan
And I agree with her 100%. Preach it sister.
I had an incident last night with my 3 1/2yr old too. She jumped in the shower with me and when we were getting out, she hit my butt and said “Mommy you look just like Gloria” (the HIPPO in Madagascar movie)Uh…What?? I said “Oh…Uhmm…why honey?” and she said “Cuz your naked” Whew! Saved this time.
She’s right. No one should wear thongs.
So had this same discussion.
But my daughter proceeded to tell the whole grocery store that when Mommy wears underwear, it goes up her butt.
Nice. And we went through how much to bring those little buggers into the world. I can only think that God has a truly twisted sense of humor, as also evidenced by the bellybutton and then penis. Really. ahem.
I absolutely LOVED this story. Hilarious.
“Butts. do. not. eat. underwear.”
Hee!!!
Oh, now that was funny. Very logical response from a child.
[...] are like has been shattered, I am happy to say. I have someone to complain about Max to, share in funny parenting stories, and remember that I am many things, mama [...]
I laughed so hard at this, the Captain made me read it to him to prove I’m not just crazy.