I pride myself on being one of those moms.
You know. The enlightened mom.
My kids have seen me naked and no one oohs or ahhs or runs screaming from the room. They know girls have boobs. Meh. No big deal. Boys and girls are different. Meh. Whatever.
We can ask tough questions here, and expect to get answers. No one backs away from a subject because it’s awkward or uncomfortable. We don’t lie because the truth is difficult or involves big words. I’m not afraid to say “I don’t know” or “I wish it wasn’t that way, but it is.”
Like I said. I’m one of those moms, damn it.
Which is why it took me by surprise when my daughter wandered into my room one morning, trying to explain to me that her front butt hurt.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Mom. My front butt. It hurts. It needs medicine.”
“Your… what?”
And as matter of factly as if she had been explaining to me where her eyes and ears and mouth and nose were, she told me again.
“My. Front Butt. It hurts.”
“Your… ohhhhh. Oh. OH, your, uh. Well. Yes, um, ok. I can see how you could – front butt? Really?”
“Yes, I think I need medicine. Is the front butt medicine in my bathroom?”
And just like that I was consumed with hunting down the diaper cream and explaining that we wipe even when we pee and… somehow I completely failed at teaching her that the word was, in fact, vagina.
Because? Well?
Front butt.
I mean, really?
It’s kind of fucking genius.
Until I have to try to explain that babies come from front butts.
—————————————————————————-
In other news:
- I’m wondering, how in the hell do working people go to the doctor??
- I’m ranting on South Beach restaurants, raving about South Beach art deco, and going on and on about manatees at Blue Springs State Park. And you wonder why my personal blog has sucked lately.
- And, finally, Clearly, You’re Retarded returns at 9:00pm EST tonight (that’s WEDNESDAY night) with a light hearted discussion on torture.
- P.S. I know. I hate lists where bloggers are all “go read my other blogs that have nothing to do with the reason you originally started reading this blog in the first place! It’ll be awesome!”. But I’m a whore. So there’s that.
I think all body parts should now be named in reference to the butt.
The vagina: Front butt.
The penis: Inside out butt.
The mouth: Sideways butt.
The ears: Listening butt.
Et cetera.
@avitable, I already refer to your mouth as “the thing that spews shit” – does that count?
bwahaha!!!! that is too hilarious not to love.
@Julie, well *I* thought so – but I’m biased.
That is hilarious. I’ve had a kid whom I babysat call her vagina her front butt too. I hope to be one of the enlightened parents who don’t shy away from the tough questions.
@perksofbeingme, really?? And I had NEVER heard that before.
Um. When my girls where little there was a person who appeared on the Today Show who indicated that you should use the word, “vulva” with you little ones… In the, “Yes, Janie, you have a lovely vulva”.
Naturally, this was a word I taught my girls just to torment their father with…
“Ow, Daddy. My vulva hurts! Can you check it!”
He should NEVER have gone to work 12 hours after Lillith was born, eh?
@maman, man, *I* still don’t use the word vulva.
@Miss Britt,
Oh, it didn’t last long.. now I have reverted to 3rd grade me and refer to all genitalia as the “dink”. It is an excellent term for immature insults as well. As in, “Lillith, stop being a dink and just come over here and eat your breakfast”
My girls both referred to “back bottom” and “front bottom” for quite a while before they started using “vagina”.
@Ren, I am so immature. The word “bottom” always cracks me up.
Heh. These are the conversations I dread if I should become a parent. it’s a whole lot easier to answer the tough questions when they are coming from younger siblings.
Makes sense though. I mean, if you aren’t going to call it a vagina, front butt makes a lot more sense than coochie or hoo ha.
@ginamonster, that’s what I thought! It’s better than a taco or something nonsensical like that!
Reason number #8362 why I couldn’t handle having kids.
@B.E. Earl, oh this? This is the relatively EASY part.
I love “front butt” – makes perfect sense.
@Dan, my thoughts exactly! I think I’ll start referring to mine as a front butt as well.
Ha, ‘front butt’. Just seeing it makes me giggle like an eight year old.
Is it something she picked up from kids at school?
@Lisa, I have no idea. She didn’t get it from ME. I got the impression it’s something she just worked out on her own based on the knowledge of “butt”. But who knows?
*gasp* You mean the queen of all things vagina hasn’t taught her daughter that word, yet? Shame on you!
@Danalyn, I know. I expect a committee to show up here any minute and dethrone me.
My niece calls it her “Pee Bum”
I was flabberghasted I had never thought of that before.
front butt is pretty good too.
@CriRi, bum is so cute and English. I’d never be able to say it with a straight face.
I had a friend whose son called his penis his “peanut”. Unfortunately my son who is one year younger took the opportunity one day to explain to him that in fact it is called a “PE-NIS”, not “PEA-NUT”. The boy ran home in a fit, screaming that his mom told him it was a peanut and of course he was mortified to find out that my son was absolutely correct. EEEEK. Poor gaffer.
Front-Butt. Smart, really smart!
K.
@Kris, that would sooo be what my son would do. He cannot stand to let something go uncorrected.
Kids say the frontbuttiest things.
But it makes sense, especially since they’re being taught in school about the back vagina.
@whall, no. NO. That is NOT a back vagina.
I am not comfortable at ALL with what that implies.
Heh.
So much better than punani.
My son calls his bits Tinky Winky and the La Las – You get the Telltubies? – And I thought he’d struggle with perineum so we call that the jaffers.
@SingleParentDad, so what you’re saying is, I should be grateful she didn’t name her vagina “Boots” or “Dora”?
The other day in class a boy told me his tail hurt. His butt tail.
snort.
Front Butt??? genius……
@vodkamom, I can’t even imagine what you hear as a teacher! LOL
Oh my God, Emma is precious.
@Dawn, yeah, I think I’ll keep her.
I mean, until the next time she whines. Then it’s anyone’s guess.
I had to have this conversation with Megan when she was little. She was insistent that tampons belonged in your butt…..I had to explain to her what a vagina was. And you know it was the cutest thing ever because she couldn’t pronounce it, she called it her “china”! I am sure they loved me as a nanny because while I am not a mom, I was “THAT kind of nanny!”
XOXO
@Kristin, LOL, I remember that!
Emma wants to know why I have pink pee every month.
are you fucking kidding me? you say vagina on the internet and didn’t tell emma she has a vagina. hehe. you crack me open!
the first time i heard front butt i was mortified that the parent didn’t explain proper terminology. although front butt really does make terrific sense.
@hello haha narf, not because I’m opposed to it! Somehow it just has never come up, apparently!
She DID ask me how babies get out of their mom’s bellies the other morning – while I was dropping her off at daycare. I decided that it might not be fair to the daycare workers (or wise) to hit her with “that hole between your legs? Babies fall out of there. See you this afternoon!” as I was running out the door.
My daughter called hers her ‘body’ for the longest time. Now she says peepee:) My son, however, at 2 years old, already knows he has a “Menis.” In fact, my sister called the other day, and my sone answered the phone and said “Hi Aunt Liz, Me and Daddy have Menis.” She didn’t know quite what to say!
@AJ, I don’t remember my son being near as obsessed with the differences. But Emma is very.. um… aware.
You are a better mom than I am. We have wieners and wubbies in this house and I don’t regret it. Now that they are teaching my eldest(12)about sex and her body’s functions, I can have frank, meaningful conversations about the parts and their real names.
@Blondefabulous, oh hush. That doesn’t make me a better mom than you. Just not as hippy liberal as me!
I bet you bake wayyy better than me.
I’ve heard “front butt” up in RI as well. I want to hug whomever came up with it, because it’s awesome.
My boss came into work the other day talking about a baby shower she’d gone too. The son of the hostess is at that age where he knows all the parts of his body and spent the afternoon walking from guest to guest explaining that he and his father have penises. The hostess later told my boss that when she was cleaning him up from a bathroom break, the little boy said quite seriously, “Mom, I like this penis. I think I’ll keep it.”
@Crystal, awww, it’s always good to see when young children are happy with their bodies.
Wait. He’s a boy. He will ALWAYS be happy with his penis. LOL
Really, front butt is more correct than vagina. Vagina is kind of a middle butt. I would sooo rather say front butt than vulva or even labia.
@Mindee, LOL, well I guess there is that.
I was all prepared to have to hear “vagina” come out of my 2-year old’s mouth, but then daycare went and told her it’s her “bum.” Like, she has the world’s largest bum which wraps all around. Somehow, I lack the balls to correct her. Oh well.
@Burgh Baby, bum? Do you go to a british daycare??
@Miss Britt, Nope, just one that is afraid of the words butt, ass, hiney, and pretty much every other word I like.
Now, I’m not hip with the slang kids are using these days but I thought “front butt” was akin to a frontal wedgie or cameltoe.
However, I think I like your daughter’s use of the word better, hahaha.
@steen, you know, I’d never heard that… but this disturbs me. I think I’m going to have to get on the vagina explanation ASAP now. Can’t have her going around exclaiming CAMEL TOE!
Hilarious. Where do kids learn it? My sister and I totally used front butt when we were kids.
@Rachael, really?!?! Well, where did YOU two learn it??
My older daughter employed the front butt verbiage as well.
@Sunshine, maybe it’s in her midwest roots then…
Um, why hasn’t the porn industry picked up on this gem?
@Brittany, all in good time, my pretty. All in good time.
Wait. That sounded kind of old man dirty pervy.
LOL!
Actual body part names are overrated. Bella was trying to ride a bike that was too big for her not too long ago, and when she got off she went around clutching her crotch yelling “MY VAGINA IS ON FIRE!!!!! THAT BIKE CAUSES VAGINA FIRES!!”
I think I would have preferred Front Butt. *lol*
@Maria, yes, but, I’m not sure that “MY FRONT BUTT IS ON FIRE!!!” would have been better.
Still love this story. And now I love “back vagina…” LOL.
@Finn, I heard that about you.
Damn, I hate it that I never had a daughter. I don’t want to know what my sons call their girlfriends’ front butts.
@Deb on the Rocks, I bet google could give you some suggestions…
This reminds me of the girl last night on American Idol who was singing out of her wrong rectum.
@Candy, that, um, frightens me. A lot.
@Miss Britt, my son and I just stared at each other after she said it, and then we both reached for the remote to run it back…just to be sure. She apparently has two rectums, one for singing and one for…other things. Maybe it’s true, I know some people who have been talking out of their asses for years.
Do you know how many people would be able to pass Anatomy and Physiology on the first try if things were so simple?
Yeah. Me.
We need to make it that simple. Simple is the new brilliant.
I taught my daughter the word vagina from the beginning. ANd it has backfired in ways that one could scarcely imagine. Like this one time when we were at the golf clubhouse and I was the only woman in the room of about fifty men and my daughter started yelling, “This highchair is hurting my vagina, Mama, does your chair hurt your vagina?” Nice.
@Faiqa, I am curious how this came up in conversation. Teaching her the word vagina, I mean.
For some reason it never occurred to me to strip Emma down and say “and this, right here? That’s your vagina.”
Or is it part of that song?
“The leg bones connected to the, hip bone. The hip bone is kind of sort of connected to the, vagina muscle.”
@Miss Britt, When I was potty training her. “Pee pee comes from your vagina.”
@Faiqa, OK, so, that makes sense.
And I am now sitting here trying to remember potty training Emma and how I avoided this whole thing before hand.
fucking priceless. PRICELESS i tell you
@amanda, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
@Miss Britt,
whoa you are officially the greatest blogger ever. you actually reply!
@amanda, LOL, well thanks! Although to be fair, I think a lot of bloggers reply.
My friend was very proud that she taught her daughter all of the proper names for things and where they were all located, etc when her daughter was learning to talk. My friend was very “we aren’t afraid of our bodies in this house!” Unfortunately she taught the terminology before she taught her daughter about “at home funny and in public funny” and not long after the anatomy lesson, they were at the grocery store and her daughter screamed out “Mommma my vagina itches!” and then lifted her skirt, pulled down her underwear and started scratching herself (doing an amazing giant gorilla impersonation in the process).
@Erin, oh. Hell. No. Did she die right there on the spot?
Seriously though, why you should really teach them the right word? So that if anyone ever touches them, and they tell a teacher or a friend’s mom there is no confusion. These parents who call their daughter’s vagina a ‘muffin’ are retarded.
Take it from someone who had a friend’s daughter abused very early and an aunt didn’t know what she meant at first when she said so-and-so touched her kiwi.
Also, Adam’s comment is hilarious.
@Karen Sugarpants, AND because I don’t ever want them to think it’s something shameful that can’t be mentioned by name. (Although your reason is the best reason.)
I’m 100% pro let’s use real words for real body parts. I don’t know how we just never got around to discussing it.
We use technical terms like ‘butt’ for the back and ‘heinie’ for the front. I’m just not ready to hear my 3yo & 4yo daughters use the ‘v’-word.
I’d have to start saying it first.
@Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], someone needs to get you a hand mirror for Christmas.
I think that’s pretty damn funny actually.
I teach my kids the proper names, too and I’m all enlightened like you. Some, most, of my friends are not. THey use those annoying terms like, hoo hah and vah jay jay (which I HATE) well one of the boys one day said something about his mr. winkie and my daughter looked at him, she’s 5, and said your what? He gestured, his winkie. Kid you not, my kid says: “Dude, that’s your penis and I have a vagina, don’t your parents teach you anything?”
I spit/snorted beer and fell out of my chair.
It was a very proud moment for me.
@Rachel, hahahha, that attitude is so CUTE, when they’re young.
I love this…and am thanking anyone who wants to listen that my daughter didn’t figure that term out. I always call that really fat hangy part that some morbidly obese people have, you know, the one that hangs down to their knees? That’s what I call the Front Butt.
As in, “Holy crap I can’t wear these pants b/c it looks like I have a front butt.” Words, I must confess, I have uttered.
@Kristin, I am horrified that I let my daughter think she had camel toe.
Fucking hilarious!
@Melissa, and therefore Internet worthy!
Ha ha! That’s what we called it when I was a kid. “Front butt” and “back butt.” I hadn’t thought of that in decades.
@Average Jane, how am I the last person on Earth to have heard this term?!?!
My MIL once told me not to teach 11 to say Vagina because it “just didn’t sound right coming from a two year old.” She wanted me to teach her “pee pee.” 11 (2 1/2 at the time) said “Mema, I go pee pee from my Jina.”
I may have snorted coffee out my nose.
@usedtobeme, hahahhahahahaha – that is awesome!
I’m kinda like you, Britt.. but I’m beginning to wonder when TOO much info IS too much. The other day Big Mickey(my 8 year old) and I were watching t.v. and that public announcement/commercial thing came on that says, “It’s almost ten o’ clock. Do YOU know where YOUR children are?” And Big Mickey replied, “Yeah! In my balls” and he said it so matter-of-factly and innocent and I was shocked and said, “BIG MICKEY!! What did you just say?” and he said, “WHAT? My daddy said that’s where men keep their babies until they’re ready to put them in the mommies.”
@twinkie, we had an incident like that once. Luckily, I could say “do you hear your dad talking about his balls? No. That’s rude.”
@Miss Britt, herein lies the problem.. My husband DOES!
Anyways, then I told him he wasn’t allowed to say “balls” because he was too young and he asked well what about “huevos” can I say that?
Ay ay ay… LOL
translation= huevos = balls in spanish.
and yes, it’s also used to say eggs but the correct translation for eggs is actually “blanquillos” blahn- key- yo’s!
i’ve never heard the term ‘front butt’ before, and i’m extremely fluent in euphemisms for that particular region.
however, i am adding it to the list as we speak. thank you for helping to expand my vocabulary.
@dr. wigglebutt, glad I could help educate.
I feel weird about my cats seeing me naked. My future children are doomed.
@Stacey, your cats?!?!
Oh, honey. You need some help in the exposure department.
My daughter has referred to it as her “front butt”. I tried to explain to her that it’s called a twat, but my wife slapped me silly.
@Nobody™, hahahhahahahhahaha OMG.
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
I blogged a while about about how we call it a little “patoot” at my house. Front butt … that’s a new one.
@Moms At Work, it was new for me too!
Apparently you and I are the only ones to have NOT heard it before.
I’m totally taking over front butt. So when I become a famous Dr. (Assuming I make up my finicky mind about going to Med School, ahem) you can expect to see it in medical textbooks everywhere.
@Sarah, sweet!
I’m just laughing laughing laughing–and commending you for keeping a straight face.
@Turnbaby, I am the QUEEN of the straight face! No! Really! I’m the least facially animated person EVER!
heh
LOL@Nobody!!
My SILs called theirs ‘flowers’ (I guess because of all the ‘petals’) My mom always referred to our ‘peaches’. My daughter got the right terminology while her brother thought it was “fine china”
Emma is adorable!
@metalmom, wait a minute. Are these grown women calling their vaginas flowers?!?!? And peaches?!?!?
I would be traumatized if anyone referred to my vagina as something that is bitten.
I’m right there with you. We decided on using the term “vulva” because that pretty much covers everything in that area.
@Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, I think I need to brush up on my anatomy.
I was under the impression that “vulva” covered mainly the outside areas only.
AND? I can’t hear it without thinking “Volvo”.
A new entry for the urban dictionary!
@Musing, why stop there? Wikipedia, here we come!
I maintain that all your kids are geniuses.
@kapgar, as do I.
Front butt? What? I was so distracted by that photo of the low-carb pancake that I forgot all about the front butt. Holy COW!
@Missives From Suburbia, and those low-carb pancakes? Are FANTASTIC!!
Ha! We recently taught our 4yo that his “balls” were really testicles. He shouted, “MOM! That’s just like POPCICLES!”
Yes, honey, EXACTLY. Except not quite.
@Colleen – Mommy Always Wins, LOL, the associations kids make crack me up.
That post made me giggle!
We have taught my daughter the “proper” names, although my sister-in-law insists that we should call our vagina our vulva (which is the technical term for the part), but since the common name is vagina, we stick to that.
My daughter once pointed at my post c-section tummy (I have a vertical scar from just below my belly button down) and said, “Mommy why do you have a bum on your tummy?”. This being said on an emotional day to begin with, not fun, but cute!
Hahahahahahahahaha!! I love it!
It DOES kinda look like a front butt, though! My kid has said it, too, and she generally calls it her ‘gina, for short. Still – I can’t stop laughing at the front butt. That is freaking classic!
I am totally adding “Front Butt” to my vocabulary. From now on. That really is genius.
Kinda unrelated, but not really. I hate when poo is referred to as “ka-ka” or however you’d spell it. It gives me the heebeejeebees.
I am pretty sure ‘front butt’ was inserted when a Kindergartner asked why her ‘GURGINA’ was itchy. Because that? Sounds better.
“Front Butt” HA! That is nothing short of friggin brilliant.