I have to be honest with you.
I’m really behind from the quick trip down to Miami and my head is… well… fucked, at the moment. A good friend has finally made the decision to accept hospice care, and it’s difficult not to think or write about everything through the murky film of that news.
It’s hard not to tell you about having fun in Miami with Avitable, Finn and Jester and UMB and Othurme, without thinking of a man who is saying goodbye to his wife. A man whom I’ve met.
It’s hard to walk into a daycare, my head full of thoughts of this other mother, and have a small blond come racing around the corner and throw herself into my arms, her face as bright as any Christmas tree. I knew I was missed and loved before she said a word. It was nearly impossible to hold her head against my chest, a chest absolutely bursting with joy in that moment, and not break down into sobs as thoughts of two other daughters missing their mother flooded my mind.
It’s all mixed up right now.
The laughter and the joy and the gratitude, swirling around with the guilt and the pain and the sorrow. The knowledge that I have no right to this pain, to any pain, really, when theirs is so, so much more. The memory of her pleading with me to make her laugh, to live fully, to let go of old grudges – telling me to remember her, to honor her, by squeezing what I can from my own life.
So, yes, to those of you who’ve asked, there really was an $800 bill. And we threw a five alarm fit because a) we were hawked a half of menu and then presented a full price bill and b) the specials and off menu items cost more than double the similar items on the menu.
But beyond that, I can’t say or write anything clearly right now.
As Lisa would say, it is what it is.
Lisa, my friend, you are loved.
Yeah. Exactly. Like I said on Lisa’s blog, I’ve got no words. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
And if I’ve got no words — when it was YOU who met her, when it was YOU who hugged her, when it was YOU who is friends with her — then I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling. Or [sigh] how she’s feeling.
No words…
I don’t know Lisa but it’s an awful, tragic story. No child should ever be struck motherless. Everything pales in comparison.
I’m so sorry.
As I told Jester in Twitter, $800 for 7 people including multiple drinks for those 7 people isn’t that bad. Sure, it’s a giant chunk of change for a single meal, but hey… friends deserve the best.
Cool pic of you in the middle of UMB and Jester.
It’s true. And it’s been weighing on me like ten rocks. But I think about Lisa’s words to you as my sister’s words were to me and I feel a need –no—a duty to honor them.
“The laughter and the joy and the gratitude, swirling around with the guilt and the pain and the sorrow.” yes. yes, exactly.
thanks for writing so much of what i am feeling…intense sorrow and a little guilt and a ton of gratitude for lisa sharing her journey with us.
I’ve been feeling the same way since Adam handed his phone to you Tuesday night. I keep wanting to do something to make it better and nothing is ever going to make it better.
I’m trying very hard not to cry now.
I don’t know Lisa – at all. I’ve kept tabs on her over the course of her third battle with cancer. I’ve bought key chains and included her in my prayers.
I know that she is an amazing woman simply because of the love and support pouring out of hundreds of people on the internet.
And I’m sad and I cried when I heard the news. But I feel like I don’t have that right – the right to be sad and grieve for her. I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like for her family and friends. I will be keeping them all in my prayers.
If nothing else, this awful, heartbreaking news reminds me to stop bitching about my silly shit and enjoy the people I have around me- especially my daughter.
My thoughts are with – and on Lisa. I never met her, and I didn’t comment daily on her blog…but I read. She’s a brave woman, and I can’t help but feel grief for her and her family. Words can’t express how she (and they) must be feeling.
I like what Sybil said. I’m going to go with that.
It is what it is! I live by that motto!
My thoughts and prayers are with Lisa.
XOXO
I’m with Sybil too. I had just posted about my divorce and was feeling good and sorry for myself when I read Lisa’s post. Now, I know we are talking about apples and oranges but still, I got out of my wallow and realized that I have the time and power to move forward and fix things.
I just wish she had the same…it’s bittersweet and breaks my heart.
I’m sorry to have missed out on so much Lisa in life.
I had recently started to read Lisa’s blog and I love her courage and her outlook on life. I admire her strength right now. She and her family are in my prayers. You and the rest of her friends are also in my prayers…its hard to accept the impending loss of a loved one. I’m sending you a big hug Britt!
When I lost my friend to cancer last year she was full of dignity, grace and goodness while I was blubbering away like a mad woman. ‘What can I do to help you?’ I asked. ‘Rejoice in the fact that you’re alive,’ she replied. A very similar story to yours and Lisa’s. I’ll never forget it. I’ve tried to honour her wish ever since.
I’m so sorry to hear about Lisa. She sounds like a wonderful person. She is in my prayers and thoughts.
I don’t know Lisa and I’ve never read her blog, but it’s obvious that she is definitely loved.
My grandmother is a survivor of (breast) cancer. Every time I hear about someone else losing the battle, my heart breaks. I am so sorry.
this was a powerful entry. I had to take a few minutes after I read it. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer is heartbreaking and it sucks to lose anyone to it. You and your friends family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Deepest prayers for your friend. May God keep her and bless her and her family. She goes to sit at HIS right hand and have life everlasting. Her kids should know this.
FMD
I’m with Dawn.. absolutely no words. I am so sorry. But Britt, it is your pain, you are losing a friend. Wow, it’s reading things like this on a day like any other -for the rest of us- that kinda snap things into perspective. It IS what it is, and life is beautiful.. she’s an incredible and brave person.
Jesus, this is a serious wake-up call. No more being so fucking out of touch. I had no idea about Lisa. I feel like crawling under a rock now.
Time to make the time management happen. I can’t deal with not being in on what’s going on in my friends’ lives.
Oh, I get this all too well. There are no words.
I’m sure Lisa will be glad to know that she may as well have been laying in that bed with us.
Or at least running the camcorder.
It’s hard to even put words down. Just…sorry.