Officially the First “I’m So Nervous About BlogHer!” Post of 2009

I do not run with the BlogHer crowd.

Most of you know this because you are my crowd and not of BlogHer. My Crowd attends gatherings with names like TequilaCon and post videos of ourselves doing body shots off one another’s labia.

We? Are the fucking party animals of the Internet, people.

And BlogHer? Well, BlogHer is kind of like that older sister of yours who married the guy with the good job and great teeth. She brings a bottle of wine to the dinner party and remembers your mother-in-law’s birthday. Before the actual day.

I? Joke about being a big deal on the Internet when my husband ignores me. It’s funny because it’s ironic.

BlogHer? Really and actually is a big deal on the Internet. It’s impressive because it’s true.

Now, my point here is not to say that one is better than the other. I happen to really, really dig My Crowd. You guys rock my socks and have made the last two years of my life – offline as much as on – more rich and dynamic than I could have ever imagined. I’ve moved to a new state and fulfilled lifelong dreams because of this here blog and this here group of people.

My point is to say that I’m going to be going to BlogHer 09 in Chicago this summer and I’m kind of (read: totally and completely) crapping my pants at the idea of having to go meet thousands of bloggers who I’ve only watched from afar and never really interacted with and HELLO! I’M GOING TO BE THE LOSER IN THE CORNER WHO DOESN’T KNOW ANYONE!

{Insert breakdown here}

I’m not afraid of meeting people from the Internet. I hopped on a plane and flew 1400 miles all by myself to meet some pervy Internet guy who said he wanted to give me money. I’ve opened my home and exposed my family to bloggers on more than one occasion. I am not afraid of the Internet.

I am, however, seriously unnerved at the idea of going to a conference with thousands of people and being completely alone.

I tell you all that to tell you this:

I have already started making my list of people I’m going to accost at BlogHer, fully prepared to deal with the fact that they will not know me and not care because HOLY CRAP YOU ARE SO AWESOME AND WILL YOU SIGN MY NAME BADGE FOR ME!??!

I’m terrified. I’m planning to go anyway. And I might as well make the most of it by adding a few stalking charges to my rap sheet.

Here’s what I’ve got so far…

Miss Britt’s List Of People She May Be Able To Use A Fake Name With When She Is Asked To Please Stop Humping Their Leg:

Queen of Spain - or Erin, as I will call her in an attempt to trick her into thinking she knows me. Remember how excited I was about my media pass? Well she gets real ones to actual events like the Democratic National Convention. (She also, incidentally, told me how to get mine.)

Suebob – with any luck, I will end up in a picture holding a red stapler. The caption will probably read “Avitable with Red Stapler”, but you’ll know it’s me.

Dooce – dude, I know. We’re supposed to hate her. I know. We’re the rebel group of the blogosphere that is soooo above being Dooce fans. And I was right. there. with you. Truly. I just started reading to see what all the fuss was about! And, well, I’m not going to get I Heart Heather on my ass or anything – but her stuff is actually… funny. I know. Don’t you judge me.

Mocha Momma – truth be told I will probably not try to hump her. I have a feeling she could kick my ass. I am not ruling out the possibility of bumping into her in a hallway “on accident”.

Susan of 5 Minutes for Mom – or maybe it was Janice of 5 Minutes for Mom. Shit. Whichever. Anissa tells me they are wonderful. And Anissa knows everything.

PunditMom – or Goddess of All Things Liberal. I think she’d be recognized with either pseudonym.

Also thinking of ways to take pictures with Moosh, Sarah and the Goon Squad, CityMama and Mr. Lady. Consider telling them I’m with the press…

————————————————————————-
Today’s guest posts from The Guest Post Challenge can be seen at: Midnight Cliff and Shiny’s Takeout

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Comments

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  1. avitable says:

    And, of course, I might go, so there’s another blogger whose leg you can hump.

    Speaking of which, get off my leg.

  2. Sybil Law says:

    That’s funny, because Maria was just asking me if I’d go (Chicago is not that far away from me, really), and when I said maybe, she asked me to be her roommate! Woohoo!
    Also, I was nervous to come to Florida, so I really know what you mean about meeting all those people!
    But I will not be humping anyone. Well, maybe Maria, and you – sexy bitches!

  3. Shelli says:

    How big of a loser am I that I don’t know any of those except Dooce?

    If you’re going to be in Chicago, you could make a side trip to the Mall of America and I could meet you there. It’s only several hundred miles out of the way…

  4. You?

    Have nothing to worry about. I’ve met you. I’ve met you while drinking. There is no way you will be alone in the corner. I can sic people on you if you’d like, just to make sure that doesn’t happen. But I don’t think that will be necessary.

    Also, I’ve seen the parties and while I can’t comment on specific body parts I guarantee that there were shots being done. Hell, I brought a bottle of vodka myself.

  5. dude, I am so about to crap my pants just thinking about it. I’m 100 per cent going this time and um. OMG.
    That’s all.

  6. B.E. Earl says:

    Heather is such a dooce-bag! I can’t believe you read that crap!

    (Actually, I don’t really care one way or another. I just needed an excuse to use the phrase “dooce-bag”. Thank you.)

  7. Crys says:

    Dooce?

    srsly?

    omg you are losing your street cred.

    but me? i live in Chicago. i will show you a good time, sistah. make Adam come with you so he can buy us dinners.

  8. Ok now I realize you’re not going to believe me…and you will continue to NOT believe me until you are there and standing next to me holding a drink going ‘crap, you were SO RIGHT ERIN…’ but….

    You will love it. It will be fine. You will read nametags like the rest of us and squeal, hug, and get really hammered. You will say ‘what was I so worried about’ and I will say ‘I told you so!’ and then you can write a post about how I humped YOUR leg and you can’t wait to go to BlogHer ’10.

  9. Mamacita says:

    I’m not one of those A-group bloggers but I’m looking forward to meeting you.

    I’ll be the shy chick behind the door wishing for courage to talk to somebody.

    You’ll see me. There’s no door in all of Chicago that’s big enough to hide all of me. Well, maybe the doors of the Natural History Museum, but I don’t think we’re going there.

    Seriously? You will have a FANTASTIC TIME. And if you would, you know, just wave to me when you see me, that would be awesome. A hug would be even better.

  10. I am VERY glad you are not nervous about meeting me.
    p.s. I know your name. But feel free to hump my leg.

  11. Jamie says:

    i’m not even in blogher, i applied, there is a waiting list, i’m sure my name is at the very very very bottom of the list..i get what, 100 hits a week? and most of them are my mommy friends from my message boards..i digress as usual…i WILL meet you at blogher in chicago..i’m michigan, it’s 3 hours (tops) to get there..i’ll take the train (amtrak, gotta love it) and hang out…i’ll DO it, and you and i can be like “ohmygawd she said HELLO to me!!!” together, and then we’ll get sloppy drunk afterward, k? just gotta tell the hubster i’m going…

  12. Mr Lady says:

    Ms Britt knows who I am. *passes out and dies*

  13. humpity hump hump hump baby.
    Just know I’m 5’2″ so you may be humping my shoulder… ;)

  14. Poppy says:

    I had planned to go to BlogHer Chicago with my BFF Bdogg but we realized we would have just gone to hang out and see the sites so we bagged that and I added her as a stop on my October 07 Florida trip. I don’t know any of these people you mentioned other than Dooce. I am pretty ok with that, considering how many freaking unread blog posts I have right now.

  15. NYCWD says:

    This post reminds me of an episode of The Brady Bunch. The one where Jan gets her braces off, gets noticed at school formal, becomes more popular than Marcia, meets THE George Glass, and becomes Mrs. Glass to live happily ever after… at least until the 20 year reunion.

    That’s where it is revealed that Jan is an alcoholic, also addicted to plastic surgery, who’s kids are juvenile delinquents, and George Glass has left her for Rico the pool boy. That’s what it reminds me of.

    See what talking about She Who Shall Not Be Named gets you?

    What is the name of Avitable‘s pool boy anyway???

  16. Mocha says:

    Oh, fuck that. I’m totally humpable. It even says so on the wall in the boys bathroom.

  17. Eh. I don’t run with the Blogher crowd either. And I’m not a big deal on the internet. Strangely, my life is not a meaningless charade.

    I’ll be in Chicago this summer, but I’m in Chicago every summer. It’s a great city. Lots and lots and lots to do.

  18. Dawn says:

    Hey lady, THEY are going to be humping YOUR leg.

  19. SciFi Dad says:

    Personally, Britt, I think you transcend the “crowd” thing. I’m not trying to kiss your ass; I’m just saying that I think your notoriety exceeds your perception of it, and that as much as you will be seeking out certain bloggers, you will be sought out more. You’re a pretty big fish in the pond, kiddo.

  20. I’m planning to go too and it will be my first time also. I think they should have a mentoring program for those of us who are newbies.

  21. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: pfft, you’re old news. Besides, I’m going to be trying very hard to pretend like I DON’T know you. :-P

    Sybil Law: I <3 Maria, too. Big time.

    Shelli: DUDE!! You are NOT a loser. Look, there are MILLIONS of people on the Internet and just because we don’t know everyone in another corner of it doesn’t make our corner any less awesome!

    Backpacking Dad: OMG I was TERRIFIED at that HBC dinner. I CLUNG to the people I knew when I first got there! And? I called Peter Shankman Peter VANKMAN!! *sigh*

    (You? By the way? Are too sweet.)

    Sam {temptingmama}: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Will you please wear a “hey, I know that girl! She’s not so bad!” name tag for me?

    B.E. Earl: well done, good sir.

    Crys: yeah, dude, I have no street cred. You know this, man.

    But you? Live in Chicago. Which is awesome.

    Queenofspain: I actually do kind of believe you because that’s what I always tell OTHER people when THEY get nervous. But still? Will probably bring my security bottle of Xanax. Just. in. case.

    Mamacita: come find me, we can lock arms and pretend to be part of each other’s posse.

    Karen Sugarpants: oh honey, you’re getting a full frontal grope fest. (And – you’re coming too?! OMG! SO EXCITED NOW! LOVE YOU! FOR REAL!)

    Jamie: oh you are too awesome, thank you! And for what it’s worth – getting “into” BlogHer doesn’t have anything to do with your traffic. It’s just a matter of if they can support more bloggers with their ad clients. Go to BlogHer.com and sign up there and start hanging out if you want.

    Mr Lady: smart ass. :-P The first time you emailed me I about crapped myself. How suave am I?

    moosh in indy: um, I think that actually makes you taller than me.

    Poppy: and you totally should be OK with that. How in the heck could any of us keep up with EVERY blogger out there!?! We’d have to quit our jobs and kiss our loved ones goodbye forever! lol

    NYCWD: listen here, smart ass. This post isn’t about wanting to be more popular or other people being more popular or any of that. This post is about ME actually stepping out of MY comfort zone for once to interact with a bunch of people that I don’t already know.

    So THERE. :P (that :-P involves spit, so you know!!)

    Mocha: we can compare bathroom testimonials!

    Blog Antagonist: Chicago is one of my top 3 favorite places in the world. Holds a lot of family nostalgia for me.

    That being said…

    My life isn’t a meaningless charade. I also don’t think that just because someone else is involved in blogher or “popular” by some weird internet standards that that necessarily means THEIR life is a meaningless charade either.

    Dawn: I’m singing Josh Groban at you right now. Do you get that?

    SciFi Dad: wow. I’m struggling to come up with an appropriately humble response here. But, just, thanks. Thank you very much for the encouragement.

    Melanie (Modern Mami): WE SHOULD CARPOOL!! Or, ya know, plane pool. Whatever.

  22. Dawn says:

    I think I do. But I’m on very little sleep, so I’m not even sure I get my own name.

  23. NYCWD says:

    *GASP*

    Well :P to you too!

    Wait.

    Did we just swap spit???

    *GASP* X 2

  24. Maria says:

    Holy fuck I CANNOT wait to meet you. But I’m not nervous. I’m just gonna tackle your ass.

  25. Maria says:

    Heh. FUCK.
    I like how it’s underlined.
    I wanted to do it again.
    FUCK!

  26. Maria says:

    aww that’s bullshit. It didn’t work. Ok I’ll stop clogging your comments now.

  27. anne says:

    Well, if BlogHer is that socially-responsible, witty, wildly popular older sister… then I am the nerdy middle child, the one huddled in the corner with her books and her imaginary friends and, when confronted with the idea of hanging out with older sister BlogHer and her 5 bajillion friends, immediately runs to the bathroom because she’s pretty sure that when BlogHer even suggested the possibility of going, she just shat (shitted?) her pants.

    I have a readership of, like, two. I have not even mustered the courage to visit a certain funner-than-shit blogger who lives up the I-4 corridor from me, much less plop myself in a room with a throng of funner-than-shit bloggers in a city I’ve never visited.

    But I SO want to go. Body shots off labia and all. Right after I push my spectacles up my nose and make some sort of embarrassing snort-laugh sound and adjust my suspenders.

  28. kapgar says:

    You’re not going to use “Secondhand Karla”? That would seem the obvious and most appropriate choice.

  29. Lisa says:

    When I saw the announcement yesterday that it’s going to be in Chicago I actually thought about going. It all depends on how I’m feeling.

  30. Read my post today…I’m right there with you. I’ll stand with you in the corner, if you won’t mind me humping YOUR leg.

  31. ali says:

    well, I am going to be there. and really, that’s all that matters, right? ;)

  32. Clown says:

    You didn’t list any guy bloggers. You’re racist.

  33. Hilly says:

    Thank God I refuse to ever go to BlogHer again (not that they’d invite me back, haha). I have to save my energy for TequilaCon, Avitaween and Dave2 Events throughout the country. ;)

  34. Hilly says:

    ever = never

    sheesh.

  35. Hilly says:

    or maybe it did mean “ever”

    Okay, I will just walk away from it now. Hahahaha, why no “edit comments” tardlette?
    ;)

  36. NYCWD says:

    I <3 Hilly!

    She’s keepin’ it REAL!!!

  37. And our BlogGuy conference will take place simultaneously at Billy Goat’s Tavern under Michigan Ave. No Coke! Pepsi!

  38. I’ll be there in July, and Mr Lady is one of my roommates at BH. Oh. Yes. She. Is. Does that make me tackleable?

    I’m kind of a big deal around these parts.

    ‘These parts’ meaning my living room.

  39. Whoa! I was just telling my husband about BlogHer to other night and was like “Well they’ve already done Chicago so there’s no way it’ll be here again so I guess I won’t go.” (Then I’d have to miss TequilaCon – priorities baby!)

    But, feel free to stalk me at BlogHer ’09 because how can I NOT go, when it’s in my freakin’ backyard?

  40. Just read through some comments – you have to apply? and be accepted? Shit. I’m screwed.

    Well, if you wanna meet up for dinner or something while you’re in town, let me know.

  41. OHmommy says:

    Woot. You too are going? The list keeps growing of people I am going to properly stalk in real life, this July.

    Waaaa… July is so far away.

  42. RW says:

    Too many people. If you want to try some absinthe in a controlled environment just give me or the Mrs a call.

  43. That’s exactly how I would feel about going to things like Avi’s party, or TequilaCon etc etc.
    There’s no way I’m cool enough to meet you people…
    xoxo

  44. maman says:

    YEAH!!! CHicago means I can definitely go!!!! So will you mind if I am humping your leg?

  45. We’re supposed to hate Dooce? Crap. Nobody tells me anything.

  46. I mean. I don’t hate Dooce, but I do loathe her a bit. And I’m excited for you and hope you have a great time! Plus? You can hump my leg anytime! :)

  47. Rachel says:

    Woo hoo! So I’m not the only person who’s going and feels totally out of place. I can’t wait! Maybe we can be goobers together because I’m so gonna be geeking out.

  48. PunditMom says:

    But what if I’m nervous about meeting you? And now I’m REALLY nervous (and blushing) because no one has ever called me a Goddess before. Buy you a drink? ;)

  49. jodifur says:

    First of all, I totally hang w/ punditmom and she is awesome.

    And yeah, I get that. I’m not even sure I can go to blogher ’09 and I’m already nervous about it.

  50. Daisy says:

    First of all, I’ll hang in the corner with you because if I actually get to BlogHer I will know no one.
    Second: I’m in awe of Mocha Momma and Punditmom, too. Aren’t they fantastic?

  51. Shash says:

    Roomie!!!!!

    Already planning it all out here too!! So looking forward to it, I can’t stand it!

    Get together? Soon?

    You won’t be in the corner, NOBODY puts Baby in the corner anyway! :)

    Shash

  52. Miss Britt says:

    Dawn: well let me just say you are the best cheerleader anyone could ever ask for. :-)

    NYCWD: we did. And my spit was AWESOME!

    Maria: you are such a fabulous nut job. I’m going to lie and tell everyone you’re in my posse. I think that should be good for street cred. Right up until you tackle me.

    anne: I can honestly say I have never, ever scared anyone off the Internet after they met me. Well, just one person. But she came back eventually.

    kapgar: OMG YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!!

    Lisa: woo hoo!

    Mrs. Schmitty: deal. Will you also hold my purse when I have to pee?

    Dear Ali:

    Please tell your nanny to fuck off. Next season you will be putting your “cute clothese I am so over” into a box to bring with you to Chicago to give to your friend Britt.

    xo,
    Britt Who I’m Pretty Sure Could Squeeze Into Your Fabulous Clothes

    Clown: I’m not afeered of no boys.

    Hilly: well, some of us don’t get to go to DaveDiego or JesterCon so we need another one to fill the void!!

    Tardlette. Heh.

    NYCWD: oh yes, she is so real it hurts.

    always home and uncool: how can I get an invite to that? Guys dig me and do not think I’m immature. I mean, they do – but, well, y’know. They are guys. Immaturity is like a badge of honor.

    A Whole Lot of Nothing: oh you dirty, dirty whore. You’re lucky you have good hair.

    Sheila (Charm School Reject): you don’t have to apply for this – that’s just the ad network. Totally different. I can’t wait to give you more dirty looks!

    OHmommy: I know, I’m kind of wondering how I’m going to sustain this excitement for the next 9 months. LOL

    RW: are you kidding me? I was going to make you buy me dinner!

    Princess of the Universe: no one is too cool for our frat house get togethers. Believe me.

    maman: I am so tickled to have leg humping volunteers.

    Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah: it’s a requirement for some of the lunch tables. Unless you just elbow your way in anyway (like, say, I do).

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: what about Ty-Man’s?

    Rachel: I think we need shirts or something. Goobers unite.

    PunditMom: oh my God I just pissed myself. Seriously.

    Oh. Um. I mean. Yes, sure, I’d be delighted to have you buy me a drink.

    (Do you SEE what I DO people?!?!)

    jodifur: oh that would stink. But you have nine months or so to figure it out, right?

    Daisy: yes, they are. I so have a soft spot for smart, smart women. I mean, I’m smart – but you can actually TELL they are smart.

    Shash: I so love you. Yes. Get together. Soon. Time and place baby and I’m all yours.

  53. Jennifer A says:

    I guess with all those A-list celebrities, you won’t want to say hi to little old me. The one with technicolor hair and a Chicago accent. Standing next to the bar, knowing no one IRL either.

  54. charlene says:

    LOL~~~i just decided that I was going to crawl out of bed, make a post and check a few of the blogs I read after meeting with
    another blogger this weekend, then go to BLogHer next meeting is

    you think YOU don’t fit BlogHer crowd
    just think of 5?year old me meeting them~~

  55. RW says:

    How about I cook you dinner? It’s what I’m doing these days! You’d be more than welcome… if you can rip yourself away from the madding crowd you know the Mrs & I will be avoiding. :-)

  56. Sarah says:

    I read dooce.

    Did I just lose my cool points?

    (Oh and I was kinda planning on going to Chicago in the summer to visit Miss Sheila (although she doesn’t know yet because I want to see if I can afford said trip before I ask her–no need to get hopes up yet) but I had never thought of going to BlogHer. The only conferences I tend to like are ones that debate on whether viruses are alive or not.)

  57. Sarah says:

    I just read my comment and I really don’t know where I was going with that. I should really not comment when it’s 2am and I haven’t slept. Oy.

  58. *pixie* says:

    Yeah, I think Dooce is funny too.

    I so want to go to BlogHer. Chicago is only like a 4 hour drive from here and is totally doable. But, we are failing in the money to blow department and I have an insane fear of nobody wanting to meet me. Seriously.

  59. Miss Britt says:

    Jennifer A: how can you not be attracted to technicolor hair??

    And the bar.

    charlene: oh I don’t think age is an issue there.

    RW: that sounds fabulous!!!

    Colleen – Mommy Always Wins: cool.

    Sarah: blogging conferences aren’t for everyone, but I’m really curious to see what it’d be about.

    *pixie*: how can you not go 4 hours away? You’ve got 9 months to plan and save!!

    And I’ll happily look forward to meeting you. :-)

  60. I will bring a flask so that if it gets boring we can sneak to the bathroom and do shots.

  61. IF they ask? If they can track it back to us? If there is any chance that we leave forensic evidence…DENY IT ALL! Cause we are going to burn Chicago to the ground in our wake.

    ME? Gotta meet:

    Karen Sugarpants, Moosh, HeatherSpohr, pretty much everyone who ever mentally masturbated on a keyboard and then pushed publish.

    I’m just glad I met you before BlogHer because I might have been “intimidated”! HEH

  62. [...] a GOP epiphany since yesterday. My progressive bona fides are very much intact, thanks (I am the Goddess of All Things Liberal, after [...]

  63. Look for my milk-loaded porno boobs there. I’m not missing this one for anything. Mr. Lady has offered to nurse my child for me occasionally so I can take breaks (i.e., do body shots off someone’s labia).

  64. I’m sure like fifty people have said this already, but, can I sit at your table with you? (we could drink heavily before taking our seats.)

  65. Courtney says:

    I’d love to meet a lot of them, too! I’d love to meet you! Sadly, BlogHer ’09 is not to be for me.

  66. [...] next year. I know I’m late even mentioning this news, but I’m THRILLED to say that Miss Britt has promised to either hump my leg or follow me back to my hotel room until she gets a peek at what’s going on in there. Either way, [...]

  67. Well, while you are stalking the gals of the internets, I’m going to be following you like a lost puppy, hoping you’ll notice me and pat me on the head.

    Then I’m going to give you a sharpie and ask you to autograph my boob.

    Just so you know.

  68. Veep Veep says:

    While you’re busy humping Mocha Momma, I’ll be snapping a photo of it…

    I’ve already decided I am going to be the designated photographer of BlogHer 2009 for everyone who forgets their camera or doesn’t want to put down their drink in order to finish their camera out of their tote bag.

  69. xuxppxxuxyyy says:

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  70. Karianna says:

    It will be my fifth BlogHer. (Yes, I was one of the folks who actually went to the original.)

    Each time it gets bigger and crazier… you’ll fit right in. No need to fear, your adventure is here.

    See you in Chicago!

  71. [...] short, Miss Britt feels “terrified” at the proposition of BlogHer ‘09. I get it. I mean, isn’t each historic culture pattern an understood majority whose pattern [...]

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