I am an unfortunate mixture of naivete, judgment and insatiable curiosity.
Never was this more apparent than when a girlfriend invited me to a “Passion Party” this weekend.
What, you may be wondering, is a Passion Party? It’s kind of like those Tupperware parties your mother used to go to. But with dildos.
I was surprised to be invited. Not because I am not obviously the very first person you would want attending your pecker party, but because she is the absolute last person I can imagine admitting to having ever seen a pecker.
She is what my husband calls “straight off the plantation”. (Which he means to be a compliment to her fair haired beauty and innocent Southern charm, as opposed to some type of racially inappropriate commentary.) In fact, she is so pure and gentile that even now I can’t bring myself to use her actual name in this post. And I’ve watched her throw neon rings at an inflatable penis.
ANYway – Passion Party. A very mature gathering of very mature adults to look at very mature adult toys.
And they let you ask questions.
I would like to defend myself right now and tell you that the party host encouraged frank discussion. She said this was a great place to have fun and learn more. I think, therefore, that all of my questions and/or observations were completely justified.
Totally justified.
And not inappropriate.
At all.
Just so we’re clear.
For example…
When we went around the room and everyone was asked to state their favorite position, and my very pure and innocent friend cupped her hands around her mouth before admitting that doggy style was her preference, it was in the spirit of having fun that I collapsed onto the floor in an uncontrollable fit of giggles.
Honestly, what is not fun about a 28 year old woman rolling around on the ground, clutching her sides and squealing, “Oh my God! She said.. heee… heee… you said… heee… she said Dooooogggggggggeeeeee!!”?
I stand by my original assertion that laughing and pointing promotes openness and fun.
And also…
When Fantasy Panties – a product resembling a black jock strap with a plastic broccoli floweret in the crotch and an accompanying remote control – is passed around, I think it only makes sense to ask “where the hell does the plastic tumor go?”
AND…
When told that the black plastic nub which is roughly the width of a baby’s fist is reported to go inside you and stay there for the duration of an evening out in public as some sort of exciting secret game among mates, it is perfectly reasonable to observe that “you’re out of your damn mind! That thing is huge!”
And furthermore…
When someone tries to justify said black plastic nub residing within your body for an extended period of time by comparing it to other perfectly acceptable and comparably sized things that may on occasion find themselves in that same general area, it only makes sense that someone should clarify that “I don’t WALK AROUND with it up there all night!”
Completely. and totally. appropriate.
Clearly.
I even raised my hand before askin why in God’s name it would be a good idea to put a diamond studded anything in your butt.
Now, after all that fun and frank discussion, I only have one question left.
That seems wayyyyyyyyy too complicated to try to fumble with in the throes of passion!
*lmao*
OMG we need to go around crashing passion parties together, just so I can witness this shit in person.
wow is all i’ve got to say to that! my sis invited me to a passion party this past summer. she’s one of those straight laced prudish types and it was amusing that she was doing it. i begged out. however, i WOULD have been the person to ask all of those very questions, and many many more, had i gone. i’m glad you had fun!
If anyone ever invites me, I’m in so much trouble, I can’t help but be inappropriate.
Ok, will you pee your pants giggling if I admit that I used to BE the passion party lady, rolling in with my huge suitcase of vibrating goodies? Once, the suitcase fell over in the dining room before a party, with my MIL at our house and all of them apparently got joggled ON because the damn thing nearly jiggled its away across the room.
“Pay no attention to the suitcase doing the hustle, kids.”
I’ll bring you a little something leftover
This post almost made me pee a little from laughing so hard.
We simply HAVE to party together someday, Miss Britt. Passion Party, TequillaCon, whatever. And I PROMISE I won’t bring my camera OR use my cell phone to take pictures that may, or may not, be suitable for blackmail later on.
*crosses fingers*
Hehe.
Anyway, glad you had such a great time. And, from what I can tell, you clearly went with one of the *better* “products.”
As far as your question goes? Unless you want to use it, for, uhm… “solo recreation” — I would just not worry about it. It’s so much more fun when you turn the controls over to the other person in bed with ya!
Good luck and have fun!
What do you do with all those buttons?
You get to pushin’, woman! Pronto!
give it to Jered, he’ll figure it out!
Is that a Rabbit I see before me?! *grin*
I hope you have backup batteries!!!
Know what? I can’t imagine anything less sexy than this kind of party. Maybe a nudist beach is less sexy, you know?
Holy shit, it has a REVERSE?? I am confused. And don’t get out enough apparently.
That is one complicated vibrator! And, I’m with you on the diamonds– I’ll take them on my finger or ears, but in my ass? No, thank you very much.
That is why I have never been invited to a Passion Party.
You crack me up girl! You’re also very right – no diamond studded anything should go near, let alone up the back end!
LMAO! All my friends around here think I am crazy because I have never been to such a party. I guess they figure I would be the first to have had one, but alas no.
However, my crazy aunt had one and my straight laced mother (you know I am not just saying that) got the highest score on the sex quiz!
I agree. My ass is no place for diamonds.
I think your behaviour was completely appropriate. Much better than the Fantasia party (what they call passion parties up here) I went to a few years ago where one of the invited guests was so uncomfortable he spent the evening sitting in the corner reading a bible. Aloud. While all of us sinners had a tasting of the various flavoured lubes…
Gee, I’ve never been invited to a Passion Party. I feel so left out.
I must be so low class…
We don’t have Passion Parties or Sexy Soirees….we have good ole Fuckerware.
If I ever got invited to a party I think in this little country town I’d have to fly Miss Britt in … I would enjoy her presence there moreso than the party itself LOL
I’m having one of these just so I can invite you.
A passion party involves dildos? All this time I thought it was the story of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. Hmmm… who knew?
avitable: yes, I’m thinking the same thing. You shouldn’t drink
wine if you have a debit card in your purse at these parties. I think I seriously overestimated my multi-tasking abilities.
Maria: I’m free Thursday.
Jamie: oh there were more questions.
For example, I’ve always wondered why people have to have a COLLECTION of these things. The host told me she had THREE glass penises. Three! I asked why in the hell you’d need three of the same damn thing!
kateanon: me neither. It’s a sickness.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton: ROTFLMAO, oh that is awesome.
Wait. Did you say left overs? Is there a shelf life I should be concerned with?
Amber: that fucker was $120! I don’t know what the hell I was thinking!!!
B.E. Earl: I don’t know. In the light of day and sobriety, all of those buttons are saying “risk of electrocution”.
Tori: hm, he is better with the universal remote than I am…
Dee: I don’t know. But it has some chic name Jenna’s name and picture on the box.
Sybil Law: why? is it a power drain??
People in the Sun: really? Well, I don’t know if they are really supposed to be sexy. It was fun more than anything.
And I think there is something sexy about a bunch of women loosening up and letting their hair down with each other. But then, I find laughter sexy – so maybe that’s just me.
Honeybell: yeah! I know! There is probably a turn signal somewhere too!
Scary Mommy: well, I’m probably biased – because really, NOTHING goes in my ass. Ever. Thank you.
Maria: he he he
Vic: anything “studded” sounds painful to me.
Kristin: and thank you for THAT traumatic bit of information.
SciFi Dad: I can see we are going to have a movement here.
And that’s going to require shirts.
suze: oh good Lord, no. Seriously? That is just crappy.
Summer: well this was my first – I’m sure yours is coming!
metalmom: well, WE are refined. Thank you very much!
kat: sweet! (I prefer first class, but will fly business class if necessary.)
Sarah: I told this story just so you would.
Kapgar: oh. um. well. um.
Great. Now I feel like a sinner!
I have never been to one of those parties. 3 of my friends have had them but I couldn’t make it to any of them because I was pregnant and on bedrest each time. My friends said the fact that I was pregnant meant I didn’t really need the party anyway, but I’d still love to go to one!
Baby, you lay back and enjoy it. Just lay back and enjoy it.
The story was funny but I don’t get what the Dustbuster has to do with it. Is that a side joke?
Oh, and I wish you had been at the Passion Party I went to last month. I would have had you rolling on the ground.
Apparently I know FAR too much about these things. Ahem.
And just what is so funny about doing it DOGGY style???
*INSERT RAISED EYEBROW SMILEY*
Every time I go to one of those parties, my friends and I are completely outrageous with the questions. We’re all very open with each other already so we have no shame in admitting those things in public. We’ve even “tried out” products in the bathroom (just the gels and things, not the nitty gritty stuff).
Is that a rabbit I see? You’ll like that – I promise. lol
I cannot for the life of me imagine a male equivilent. And if there was, we’d likely get busted for it.
Just a word of warning – when traveling (even international), remove batteries first. Someone I know (wink wink) had some exlaining to do once upon a time!
What Finn said.
And I *somehow* knew what toy that was*giggling*
I just peed my pants….
But, just in case I’m confused…. REVERSE?!?!
I think you need to press F1 for help.
See. This is what happens when you let women vote.
what? god dammit. why don’t i ever get invited to things like this???!?!
You’re clearly the PERFECT person to have to one of these.
Geeeez, I was thinking that when I buy MY first dildo that I’d just get something simple but now I think I am behind the times!
OK, I am much too repressed to even comment on this post.
Oh! I just did.
Boy, are you going to get some kooks flocking to your blog now… people searching Google using terms like “up my ass,” “fist,” and “doggie style”…
I am straight off the plantation only in experience, my potty mouth would render a different opinion but listen….I just want to know what that thing needs an “auto reverse” for?
I have never been invited to a Pleasure Party, and if I were, I’m not entirely sure that I would go. Maybe out of curiousity? But I would probably be way too embarrassed.
every damn time i go to one of those parties i get embarrassed because i win the stupid “have you ever” game. (you know, a penis sticker is given for you say yes to when the host asks a sexual question like “have you ever swallowed” or “have you ever had sex in a public place” type questions. whore, i mean PERSON with the post penis stickers wins a prize.)
and i find myself giggling like a fool at those parties. honestly, i think you are supposed to laugh. and drink.
Reverse? It needs reverse?
Is that for pulling it out of the garage?
Passion Party? I’m so glad you defined what it was early-on. I thought it was a party about Jesus or something.
I was reeeeaaaaally wrong. Really. Dude.
Oh, and? That remote control thingee? That would turn 99.9% of American men on. Just fondling a thing with many buttons. And the other 0.1%? Are just not natural.
I used to work with a piece of equipment that, when jammed, would slip into auto-reverse to help unjam it. I didn’t realize that feature had been applied to today’s high-end sex toys. (I guess I need to quit buying mine in the Shell Station bathroom.)
I keep reading comments and I’m still dying over NYCWD!! Lucky Poppy!
SINNER!!! You will burn for your wicked ways!!!
(but apparently you will be enjoying yourself as you do)
That is far to freaking complicated for me… but then I did burn through two rabbits
Bwahahahhahah Bwahahahahahahah Bwahahaahahahahaha OMG Britt that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
I’m sweating, laughing and crying from lauging. Oh lawdy.
Oh and if anyone I know in real life is reading this (Dear God tell me that is not possible) please do not invite me to such parties, I am not NEAR as classy as Miss Britt…just sayin.
The real question is what did you buy?
Nat ~ SnnNNNoooOORRRRTTTT!
I was once invited to a party called “Romancing the Home” and I thought it was aroma-therapy and whatnot. I was in for a HUGE surprise when the consultant unveiled a table full of sex-toys. I didn’t even know what half of them were. I had to ask what a “C-Ring” and found out that it was a cock-ring…a WHAT??????? Then I saw this little black velvet box with these silver round things…I thought they were freaking EARRINGS…turns out they are “Bee-Wah Balls”. Again, I’d never even heard of this stuff! They passed around a Clit-Licker which was this automated tongue thingy. I kept making it lick my friend’s arm throughout the party…she was dying. We were both laughing so hard we about peed our pants. Then the consultant said that she considered talking about orgasms as acceptable as trading recipes. Excuse Me???
Guess I’m not cut out for that stuff…I was never invited to another one!
<b?radioactivegirltori: this was my first. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got another invite in the future!
Finn: ohhhhh
Clown: a dustbuster? Well that makes MUCH more sense now!
NYCWD: nothing – I just assume it has to be someone with a wild streak.
Sheila (Charm School Reject): oh, we tasted this tropical crap. It was AWFUL. Like sun tan lotion! BLECH!
bill: aint that the sad, sad truth.
Marie (momsnuts): OR, leave at home.
Turnbaby: I somehow KNEW that you would know that!
Sarah (Classy ‘n Fab): oh, it’s REVERSE. And I am absolutely confused.
Rattling the Kettle: oh well THAT makes sense.
Faiqa: hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaha
ali: I think you were with the Hamburgler.
Rick: heh. Yes. Well. We shall see.
Hilly: *floor*
Nan Patience: yeah, well, hopefully they click on some ads, LOL
Jerri Ann: in case you hit a wall??
Indigo: oh, you would go. They bribe you with free food and wine.
hello haha narf: none of this surprises me. At all.
Maybe I should wait till you get here and have you explain the buttons.
Fogspinner: did you just call my vagina a garage?!?!?!??!
*sigh* I guess that’s better than a cave.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: when she first said “toy” party, I thought she meant Discovery Kids – that company that sells developmental toys for preschoolers.
I was very, very wrong as well.
delmer: so, this is like, an emergency feature?
metalmom: I am trying to block that out, personally.
kapgar: burn? Like from electrocution you mean? Shit.
maman: how do you “burn through” these things???
Darla: do they do those in Iowa?
Nat: $170 worth
Jewelz: Romancing the Home?!??! Dude, I’d expect ROSES!
Not since you moved.
We don’t have near enough social graces to pull it off anymore.
Ha ha!! Loved this post! And can you imagine the searches you’re going to get now?
Why reverse? Seems strange…well, I guess no stranger than picking up a transvestite with my husband and after watching them engage in some pretty exciting acts, giving him some nice dresses and shoes and sending him home…..
LMAO omg that’s just too hilarious!
Is that The Rabbit?
Makes the “D” in “Wayne’s 3-minute DITL” a little different.
I would totally take a photo of the one I have so you can see how simple vibrator controls can be… but then my boyfriend might find actual evidence of me having one. And, … um, I’m shy.
Anyway, I love the doggy style.
Actually, I love any style that gets me the sex. But, that’s cuz I’m a horndog.
Oh, so funny – I thought I was brazen – but I think this would make me blush – because I wouldn’t know what to do with being turned on in the room – I mean – how can we all stand around turned on and not DO anything.
How strange to turn a powerful thing like sex and passion into tupperware. Rori Raye
See, this is why I love you. You make me feel normal. Because I would do the exact same thing.
Ha Ha Ha Ha! Okay, now I’M laughing and giggling!
I love these parties, and everyone acts. It is the most fun!
That’s too funny. I went to my first passion party about a year ago and I was so embarrassed! And I spent way too much money!
We have “Slumber parties” in these necks of the woods and the only one I ever went to was run by woman so trashy I wanted to spray myself with a bleach/Lysol cocktail and run screaming for the door.
Which is too bad, because I love toys and would have dropped a bundle.
That is entirely too many buttons for me. Now, give it to my husband . . . and he’d have it figured out in no time.
Wait? Did I just say that?????
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as a passion party consultant myself, i must say that i think i would love to have you at one of my parties. you sound like a lot of fun and that is what is so great about these parties they are fun! sounds like your friends had fun too. if you guys want to do your own party – hit me up on my link below. keep on buzzing!!!!
They could do away with the F1, F2 and F3. I have no idea what they’re for. In fact all they really need are two settings. More and Way More.
Amazing blog!
I am a independent Passion Party Consultant and I know that you are one of the guests or hosts that we love to have as a part of the party! With the questions “why the hell?”, “what the hell for”, “And what does that do again and how!” are many of the reasons that make a party a great one! with someone brave and open minded to ask those questions opens the door for many other women too!
For anyone who has never been to a Passion Party or is interested is hosting one or possible thinking this might be the right business and want to meet and get to know great women like Britt then check out what Passion Parties is about!
http://bethann.yourpassionconsultant.com
I really enjoyed reading this blog!