In Good Times and In Bad

Monday, October 6th, 2008

Let me preface this post by saying – I am exhausted. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since Wednesday and a three day weekend of walking until my calves ached and my trunk threatened to evict any and all of the junk is finally starting to catch up to me.

That probably means I should leave this post in a draft somewhere.

But I’ve left too much in the unspoken and unread folder lately, and the resulting cluserfuck inside my head is getting to be too much.

This weekend was good. And bad. It was, at times, the pinnacle of perfection – filled with new sights and new people in a city that I adore. It was laughter and old friends, holding hands and breathing deeply. And it was also, at other times, nothing short of awful. It was tears and sleepless nights and angry words I still cannot reconcile with beliefs that I hold dear.

For the first time in my life, I find myself completely confused by the extremes.

I live my life at one end of a spectrum. As the tattoo on my back reminds me, the world is either comedic or tragic. The existence of one extreme has always served to enhance, rather than negate, the experience of another.

I am not afraid to cry because I know the joy of a deep, soulful laugh is just around the corner.

Perhaps I am getting too old for the pendulum swing.

I want to tell you about Jared and I playing tourist with Poppy, Dawg, Robin and Rachel. I want to tell you about having my face airbrushed and accidentally groping myself during the Hot Blogger photo session. I want to tell you about how you should never walk the stupid fucking bridge. I want to share with you the highlights of the more than 1300 pictures I took this weekend.

And I will. I will.

But I also need to take a moment to pull apart the good memories from the painful ones. I need to find a way to be honest with myself about everything that happened this weekend. I need to figure out how to take the good and the bad at face value, without letting one bleed all over the other.

How can a relationship be so good in one breath, and crushing in the next? How can an embrace be sincere and genuine, and the flash of disgust in the eyes vibrant and cutting?

How can both sides of the coin be accurate?

It seems there gets to be a point when the swing is so wide, the canon between two cliffs so wide, that it is impossible to cling to both sides. Failure to choose leaves you free falling in the abyss in between, nothing to believe in or stand firm on. And yet choosing a side, a perspective to focus your eyes on, requires an exercise in delusion. You can’t fully invest yourself in the one without pretending the other is the lie.

And so, instead of choosing, I’m free falling.

  1. avitable says:

    You totally know that BlogHer is going to choose this post to list in their “More from BlogHer” ad. :cheese:

    And?

    Gators – swamp – ride. Anytime.

  2. Krystle says:

    I surely cannot wait to see your pictures, but most importantly I hope you come at peace with yourself with whatever happened this past weekend, both good and bad.

  3. Shit Britt.

    We had the same damn weekend I do believe.

    Just on opposite sides of the coast. I’m still reeling.

    Smooches to ya.

  4. Nat says:

    It was the best of time…
    I’ve been there, it’s scary. Hope it works out so that every one involved can find happiness. :)

  5. Work through what you’ve gotta work through. I get it. I’m thinking of you and know you’ll figure it out. :kiss:

  6. Poppy says:

    There is a particular photo of you with your head turned to the side while you’re wearing the dress and the necklace… it screams “New York City girl”. And I hope that gets chosen, or that you at least get to see it.

    I will focus on the good and say: I am so very glad that I got to spend time with you this weekend. :hug: :heartbeat:

  7. A brilliant mind has the capacity to take in so much that the overflow has nowhere to go but the heart and soul. It is in these places that eternity sits and waits… and it is these places that speak to us. Listen. Listen carefully and acutely. I am thinking of you…

  8. Glad you got to go and have some wonderful times, and I hope that you figure out whatever you need to.

    HUGS!!!

  9. Crys says:

    ???

    this worries me.

  10. Sorry your weekend wasn’t perfect….you deserve nothing but the best.

    BTW, your post just summed up my marriage!

  11. whall says:

    Ohhhh, I get it. Adam finally dropped the “swinger bomb” on you and YOU were for it and JARED was against it, and lemme guess… that’s the COMEDIC part, right?

    I can’t wait for the TRAGEDY part.

  12. Jenn says:

    Britt,
    I have been there too. At times it feels life will never be right but it will. You are too damn smart to not realize what happiness truly is.I firmly belive you are on the precipice of a tremendous challenge;but you will come out better than before;no question.Thank you for taking us along for the ride.
    Jenn

  13. Willie G says:

    “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Yeah, what he said…

  14. Mattie says:

    I despise conflict and confrontation with other people.

    But worse is conflict and confrontation with myself.

    Been there.

    Hugs.

  15. “How can a relationship be so good in one breath, and crushing in the next?”

    I don’t know how, but it can. It also has to do with the profundity with which you are able to perceive things. You are not a shallow person and that’s wonderful. And it has its price…

    Wish you all you need, especially strength and clarity.

  16. Kristin says:

    If I weren’t so damn BROKE, I would propose we run away together, because clearly a weekend together without them is what we both need TREMENDOUSLY!
    I love you!

  17. Finn says:

    :hug:

    So the bridge wasn’t good? We didn’t go because it rained the whole time.

  18. I hope you are OK. Tell me you are OK. Free-falling can be good and bad, sometimes at once. I hope you’re OK.

  19. Hilly says:

    How can an embrace be sincere and genuine, and the flash of disgust in the eyes vibrant and cutting?

    This is how I live my every day life. There are moments when all is good, smiley, giggly and our friendship is stronger than ever and yet, other times I am looked at as if I am a vile creature who is hated consistently. This is a thing that stings from someone who is supposed to love you the most…be your little Linus blanket, so to speak.

    My point is that I totally know how you feel and wish you did not have to feel it. It’s a sucky place to be and I hope you find peace soon.

    Also? I am here to talk whenever you need!

  20. martymankins says:

    What’s that phrase.. the ying for the yang… or something like that. Relationships can have lots and lots of drama. But I like the ones that don’t. Even still, when you get two different human beings living in the same place for any amount of time, there’s bound to be some differences.

    The good with the bad. It’s that mix we all call relationships. And when it’s good, it’s good. I remember those times when things are going bad, because the more I get comfortable in my relationship, the more I know the bad times don’t last as long.

  21. Faiqa says:

    Hmmm. 1300 pictures? I can confidently say I have not taken 1300 photographs in my entire life. Anyway, I’m glad you were able to feel the full range of human emotions on your trip. That’s what life is all about…?

  22. Stephanie says:

    “How can an embrace be sincere and genuine, and the flash of disgust in the eyes vibrant and cutting?”

    “How can a relationship be so good in one breath, and crushing in the next?”

    I don’t know how or why…I just know it can be that way. And I know how fucking bad it hurts. :hug:

  23. Rachael says:

    I don’t know the background, or what’s going on, I’m just another person who enjoys your blog… but I wanted to say that I hope the pain and confusion you’re feeling will clear up and that you’ll find an answer soon. (Hugs)

  24. NYCWD says:

    I would say something deep, inspiring, and possible controversial… but my legs are STILL killing me!

    :hug:

  25. BOSSY says:

    Strap up, it can be a roller coaster. Life is pendulous, but it’s all good.

  26. Selma says:

    I am sorry, hon. I know all about that pendulum swing. It hurts. Please take care.

  27. Lisa says:

    I don’t have anything profound to say but I can tell you this…no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect.

    At times marriage can be as temperamental as the stock market. Down 800 points one hour and back up 500 three hours later.

    Think I’m kidding? That’s exactly the kind of day Dude and I had yesterday.

  28. Wendy says:

    I’m so sorry Britt. I have been there and done that. It’s not a fun road to take. You are much stronger than I was at the time, and you will find your answer. One way or another, I believe you will find your way.

  29. As usual, by the time I read through all the comments I have nothing left to say that hasn’t already been said. With this awesome crew of commenters you should be able to get through darn near anything, girl.

  30. Poppy says:

    Spring rolls make everything better.

    When you return to NYC (when’s that?) I’ll take you for spring rolls at East Meets West next to the yoga place and Japanese restaurant. So effing good I can’t effing stand it. And that’s… uh, not Chinatown, that’s for sure.

  31. turnbaby says:

    That look of ‘disgust’? That’s when I knew my ex would never ‘get’ me. And when I let myself do it back–that was the beginning of the end.

    But that was us.

  32. Poppy says:

    What is the non-denominational version of “amen”?

    Whatever.

    Amen, Turn.

  33. Sybil Law says:

    I love that song.
    And I free fall right along with you.
    Hope you get some much needed rest – sometimes, that’s all it takes to get a clearer perspective.
    :hug:

  34. Courtney says:

    Ick, it sounds like a few really bad things really put a damper on what should have been a great time. I hope that you can truly separate the good from the bad and work through whatever happened. Good luck and here’s to hoping for lots of smiles ahead.

  35. Kimberly says:

    Just want you to know I am thinking of you.
    Kimberly

  36. Just gonna give you a :hug: because I don’t know how to fix my own marriage 98% of the time and I won’t pretend that I somehow know the words to say that will cause a “Eureka!” moment and you’ll know all of the ways in which you can fix your marriage.

    :hug: :kiss: :heartbeat:

  37. Brad says:

    That’s your tattoo? That’s what I was going to get when we went to Louisville to hang with the girls. Well, we can’t have the same tattoo.

    Shit. Back to the drawing board.

  38. It does sound like you’re free falling, but we hope you land on something soft eventually. Glad New York was not boring at least. :o)

  39. At least you feel. Is free-falling better than empty?

    I hope so.

    I promise there will be NO DRAMA in O’town.

  40. LaskiGal says:

    Reflection . . . I sense you’re right in the thick of it.

    It is hard to take the bad, but you know that’s how you appreciate the good.

    You hate to cry, but it makes laughing so sweet.

    Being angry is exhausting, but being happy is invigorating.

    Sometimes free falling is better then swinging and swinging and swinging . . .

    Take care–you.

  41. I am right there with both you and Hilly. I completely understand, and I am sorry.

  42. Karl says:

    What, have you been taking cryptic lessons from Hilly?

  43. dammit. i was hoping that wouldn’t happen. was hoping for no tears, for nothing but understanding. and appreciation.
    dammit.

    love to you.

  44. Special K says:

    Turn is wise – of course that sort of goes for all Bluegrass Babes…but I digress.

    I just can’t see how real ‘disgust’ can live with genuine Love.
    I’m inclinded to believe that life is far too short to really bridge that divide.

  45. Special K says:

    Inclinded?
    WTF?
    INCLINED

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