If I died today, I fear the words “fat vagina” would be inscribed on my tombstone.
Either that or “lost tampon”. Possibly “bitchy wife”, but something having to do with the crotch seems most likely to win out.
At least if you believe the collective wisdom of The Google Searchers.
Those of you who are new around here may not be familiar with the infinite wisdom that I possess about vaginas. For example, I know that *vaginas* is the correct plural spelling of *vagina*, even though spellchecker is all in a tizzy about it. Apparently you can only have one vagina, but it is allowed to have ownership of something. But I digress.
My point is *sigh* I have, at one point, written a very detailed post about fat vaginas and lost tampons. And if you have not read it yet *sigh* you can do so here.
I’ll just be waiting over here in the corner with my head in my hands, wondering where it all went so terribly wrong.
Done? Good. Now that we’re all caught up on Jared’s last spelunking expedition in my crotch (oh, you’re going to read it now, aren’t you?), we can discuss what that post has since meant for my blog and WHAT MUST BE DONE ABOUT IT!!!
Because seriously? Of all the keywords that lead people to this site via the almighty search engines, the ones that far and away out perform any others are “fat vagina”, “fat vaginas“, “lost tampon”, “odor in my vagina”, and the occasional “does Dr. Pepper affect the smell of my vagina?”
I am, according to the Internet, The Queen of The Coochie.
And as great an honor as that is, I think it might be time to add a little diversity to my resume.
AND THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN.
I want to add some kind of regular feature to this blog. Some kind of “theme” that I can run with each Saturday. Aside from the fact that I am kind of digging the idea of being known for something besides The Vagina Incident, I’d also like to try my hand at writing “on topic” so to speak.
Blah blah blah reasons you don’t care about yada yada blah preamble blah yada yada bullshit.
HELP ME PICK A FEATURE FOR THIS DAMN BLOG!
I’ve spent the bulk of the last few Saturdays doing memes and shit. And while I know how much you all love surveys and random questionnaires, something tells me that none of that is going to make a dent in Mount Vajajay.
I’ve got a few ideas, but they might suck. Heh.
I’ve thought about a “Saturday Style” type thing, where I teach you all about the wonderful fashion sense I have learned from Stacey and Clinton. And then I remember that I own 382 pairs of flip flops and that might not qualify me as a “style expert”.
I considered doing a weekly recipe type gig ala The Guacamole Files. But then I have to consider the fact that… well…The Guacamole Issues. It is entirely possible that I might not be the most qualified person to discuss making food. Ever.
I also contemplated coming up with a few other unique ideas all on my own. And then I remembered, the internet is no place for unique ideas! Why would anyone try to be creative and innovative all on their own when they have an entire blogosphere just dying to dispense the Internet Assvice?
(Here is where I should butter you up by assuring you that I say Assvice with love. Lots and lots of assy assy love. I assure you.)
Are you feeling buttery? Good.
Now, let the assvicery commence!
What type of *weekly feature* would you love to see here? What brilliant, creative, innovative suggestion would you like to hand over for me to steal?
All ideas welcome!*
*So long as they have nothing to do with vaginas.
How about a weekly feature on “How to post without actually posting and making your readers do all the heavy lifting?”
I vote for a “Cooking in Style” feature, where you do a great post on the steps to cooking a dish, while showing us the fab new shoes that you bought that particular Saturday.
Hey, it’s an excuse to buy a new pair once a week, right? :rock:
Let’s bandy around arcane ideas for complex Rube Goldberg suicide devices!
I say every Saturday you should open up, make yourself vulnerable, talk about your kids and your husband, tell your deepest darkest secrets, post naked pictures, get drunk and video yourself, and then you should … should … uh… well …. bbbu
oh you said something different
do all that but don’t talk about vaginas. I would consider reading it, maybe
:crazy:
How to Bag the Babes by Miss Britt. Each week you take a stereotypical man trick used to impress women, explain why it doesn’t work and offer real advice… not from other dudes that CLAIM they have been laid, but by a hot chick that knows what worked on her and her friends.
Pornstache, exposed hairy chest and gold chains, ready to wear condom in the wallet, lick your shirt and say I need to get you out of those wet clothes, what’s your sign babe? etc. If you run out of really bad moves, ask Adam how he approaches women.
This will then be turned into a best selling book marketed through tool and woodworking magazines. Maybe computer geek tech stuff too.
Oooo fun! You could do a weekly ‘Ask Britt’ agony-aunt style post? Where people could email you problems that they really really need some help or advice with..
If I ever break my vagina, expect an email from me
D
I dunno.
Maybe something about vaginas. But use a different word. That’ll work.
I’m with Adam on this one. I like the idea of opening up your blog to different writers. I would play with that idea. OR
I always liked the “What would Miss Britt Do” thing you did a few times and I’m sure if you started it up again it would be a HUGE success. The only thing I would do different is address more than one “problem” per week, maybe two?
Anywho, there is my two cents.
That fat vagina post is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. You could just republish it each weekend … Ha!
I suck at advice! I can’t even come up with shit for MY blog, but now you want ideas for yours?!
Hmmm…
Well, I was kinda wondering if you ever tried the self tanner – maybe you could try different shit every week, and post results. Like, try absolutely anything. Or make Adam try something, or Jared, if it’s more a man product. Minus tampons, of course. :lmao:
I am so tired. I’m not even making much sense.
Wait no, really… here’s one!
Anything along the lines of your photo essays. I had popped in here a few times in the past and never..stuck, ya know, but then I caught a photo essay and I keep you in my feeds *JustInCase* you do one again.
I uh, read all the other stuff, the words n shit too, I just like the photo ones best :cheese:
Since I had to go back and read that post I feel like I’ve missed so much. And I kinda feel like I should get to ‘know’ my vajajay…just in case.
Britt -
*snickers* You know, when you hover over the link to your blog in my posts, the title is “Miss Britt – The Google Vagina Expert”. Probably not helping, huh?
I LOVE Y2K Survivor’s idea, and think you should definitely do that one. Perhaps with picture examples (featuring rockstar Avitable, obviously) of what NOT to do. =P
My suggestion is one that you can not only STEAL, but one that you can steal from SEVERAL places. Like books, and magazines and stuff. I don’t know if you write any fiction, but if you do… a weekly instalment of a story would be awesome. Like.. a serial, in a magazine.
I’d read it, for sure. You’re a funny lady. =)
– Lisa
So I guess a Britt version of The Vagina Monologues is out of the question?
I like Adam’s idea. Seriously. It has potential. Especially if this post works!!
personally, i am a HUGE fan of the picture essays. ..doesn’t matter what the topic is. (fyi, my aunt laughed so hard at your nyc photo blogging.)
and since i don’t cook, i think the idea of you teaching me how to make something tasty every week would be fan fucking tastic.
i bet a weekly way to entertain a child. or adam.
even better, a weekly video of what you are doing during “clearly, you’re retarded.” hehe
that book you wanna write? you could start it here…
I’m with Becky.
*smacks Adam*
Also I was thinking of doing a weekly thing like I did at Karl’s blog but I’m lazy as shit.
Thanks for the great info. I hope you’ll follow this with some more great content.
How about a “Fucktard Of The Week” column? You know, either a personal fucktard experience, or one pulled from the headlines of the news… there are so many to choose from, you’d never run out of material. A social commentary, if you will……
Can I just tell you I have suffered the same coochie fate? Now every time I see a tampon commercial my kegels clench…guess that could be good for my sex life, eh? But I digress…I like the weekly fucktard idea or the guest blogger idea. Or, how about you reviewing blogs, like a “blog of the week” or something?
As long as its not about vaginas or guacamole, I may participate.
We post parts of our books we’re writing and let everyone read and critique. There’s a new idea.
I like the weekly fucktard idea—except I think Adam should be ineligible;-)
And the photo essays are great.
I must say it was very resourceful to get Jared to look for it.
I love the advice column. But Cooking with Brit has potential — simply because you aren’t an expert at it.
I liked the idea of “What Not To Do To Woo A Woman” I’m sure we could supply you with some potential topics.
If you do a style column, I think it should have a Saturday Shoe feature. Show us a pair of your (many) fabuloso shoes and tell us why you love them. You always look fabuloso in your pics…well, except the one with the “borrowed t-shirt”. Not fabuloso, but still cute.
I also liked the “Ask Britt” idea of answering a few reader inquiries at a time.
Becky so far has some very good ideas. Run with it woman!
I was thinking “My life with Adam”….some funny story about working with Avitable. Or you could do a weekly video post.
Just mah two cents.
J.
To help you decide, I’m gonna vote on some suggestions already made (cause all my idea were taken).
1. Ask Miss Britt advice column- gold!
2. Trying new stuff- (self-tanner etc) could potentially be hilarious!
3. I also love your pictorial blogs…do more.
My 2 cents… :heartbeat:
How about going interactive with your readers? Like a question of the week or topic. Then everyone answers it either in the comments or on their own blog. If you run out of questions or topics go interactive again and get suggestions from your readers for new questions. You could make it picture posts on certain topics.
I realize it’s been done but it just seems like a good way to get to know people that you might not otherwise get to know.
I think you might be missing a real opportunity here to run with your current branding.
Why not Vagina Style?
I vote for “Saturday Style”. Just think: you can take undercover pictures of bad style a la What Not to Wear’s undercover video of the lucky nominee and then you can post about how you’d change it. Maybe photoshop the offender’s face out of the picure and overlay what they should wear or post pictures of what you think they should wear. And then we get to vote.
Anyway, that’s my vote.
I’m not witty about names for features… but I think you should do a weekly photography feature. Whether it be instructional, inspirational, or downright photoshoppy… I think those would be cool.
Or at least more photo essays.
Please. :clap:
Oh… and one last thing… you can try and rebrand all you want… but the people in Philly will always know you as the Vagina Blogger.
I heard there was a video…
holy crap, i love mrs. rw’s suggestion. hehe. i can just see you sneaking photos of impeccably dressed people and oh so not well dressed people. could be great blog fodder in and of itself! then of course we would benefit from your what not to wear opinions.
although leave my solids with no print alone.
oh, and my original comment should have said that i bet a weekly way to entertain a child or adam could be great fun, especially if it included photos. somehow i must have lost my train of thought. (welcome to my world. sorry.)
Hahahahaha!! I LOVED your tampon story! Did you ever see my post about my battle with an “Instead” menstrual cup?
http://ablondeandherblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/instead.html
As for theme ideas, I tried doing “Mad Lib Mondays” but it didn’t really take off. Maybe you’d have better luck with it?
Crap…check your spam filter. I think my comment went there because I put a link in my comment. Sorry!
Oh, I have another idea but I’d have to put a link for this comment too….hmmm….okay, do this instead: Head to YouTube and type “Vagina Power” into the search. (I listed to the one with “Penis Power” in the title and it was hilarious!!)
Anyway, it’s an entire series and it’s on PBS. Which just floors me.
Maybe you could do your own version of it here?
*listened not listed :banghead:
I like it when you write funny little things on pictures. When the fashion magazines told me to stop wearing walking shoes with dresses in big cities, I quit reading them. But if they had written funny things on the pictures, I would still be reading them. Did I suggest anything; because in my mind I just did.
The lost tampon episode was the first post I read of yours. You had me hooked, I’ve read everyday since then.
avitable: oooh! That’s a great idea! Or – how about a weekly feature on how to comment without actually contributing anything?? That might be good too.
Stephanie: heh, I bet my husband would LOVE that. Maybe I can incorporate and make the shoes a tax write off.
RW: I’m less into suicide and more into torture. Do you think that would be as popular?
Willie G: I suddenly feel like maybe I should redo my “about” page.
Y2K Survivor: hmmm… I wonder how many times I could make “get us drunk” interesting.
Wait, I can ask my husband for advice. He was a.. um.. popular guy when he was single.
Hmm… I don’t know how many times I can make “get them drunk” sound interesting.
little_lj: I did that actually for a while. It’s the “What Would Miss Britt Do” category. Apparntly my readers don’t need much guidance. LOL
B.E. Earl: I am ashamed to admit how much time I just spent thinking of different words for the female pubic mound.
Janelle: thanks for your cents!
Twenty Four At Heart: or link to it incessantly. That might work!
Sybil Law: I use the self tanner all the time. I live in Florida – and am pale. I will have to think about that…
RW: :nana:
bluepaintred: roflol – so a vote for something with pictures. Got it.
Sarah: yes, um, well – it might come in handy. Some day.
Lisa: I suck at writing fiction, but I do know a lot of people who do that!
Lynda: *snort*
Belinda: I think we’re at 40 right now…
hello haha narf: I am still writing that, actually. But not quickly enough. I’d have the whole fucking thing up for free on the Internet at the rate I’m going. LOL
But the pictures – got it!
Karen Sugarpants: I so loved what you did at Karl’s.
But yeah – I don’t think people realize how much work goes into stupid photo essays and photoshopping posts.
blondefabulous: there would definitely be a constant supply of material.
Robin: oh my wayward putang sister, I’m so sorry.
Jennifer A: noted. Thanks
Turnbaby: OK, that’s another vote for the asshole of the week, and 5 million votes for the pictures. Got it.
Nat: heh. Not an expert. It sounds so nice when you say it like that.
Little Miss Sunshine State: btw, as of.. um… two hours ago? There MIGHT be a place for a regular style column. Somewhere.
Mindy: she’s pretty good at this, isn’t she?
HoosierGirl: I need to get a new web cam I think. The lag on mine is awwwwwwffffuuuul.
Princess of the Universe: I loved the advice column. Loved. But if you don’t get questions you’re kind of stuck. LOL
J.O.: like snackiepoo.com’s Snackie Sunday?
DCup: I actually snorted when I read that. And maybe peed a little.
Mrs RW: oh that does sound like fun. And possible like I could end up arrested. Which would be another post…
NYCWD: yeah, the wind definitely seems to be shifting that way…
Oh… and one last thing…
:nana: I owe you still. I haven’t forgotten.
hello haha narf: oh no. I would START with your SOLID BLOCKS OF COLOR!!
BlondeBlogger: hmmm… I’ll go check again.
Been there, Done that: they said WHAT?!?!? What did they say about cute GREEN walking shoes?? I think that makes all the difference.
Summer: awwwwww. How sweet!
Yeah, what if you did a video post every Saturday?
Hi Britt,
Long time reader first time “commenter” here. You could write about “the girls.” As a fellow Stacy and Clinton fan, I know you know that I know that means “boobs.” Its not vaginas, but they’re just as entertaining!
I’m soooo the wrong person to ask for advice on blogging topics, but I’m sure whatever you do, I’ll keep coming back for more!
Well, maybe not for the fat vaginas, but…oh, you know what I mean! hehe
……… you mean THATS why single people go to bars? SO they can get drunk and have guilt free sex? You know there should be some instructions of a note or something people pass around so ALL of could get clued in on the important matters.
Although you have my attendion and you haven’t even written the firt entry. (Gosh I hope there will be pics of boobs!!)
You could walk around taking pictures of large objects (say, buildings and the like) all week, and then caption them with Photoshop and compile them into [interminable] posts about what you did while you were taking those pictures…
I really think the Vagina Monologue is worthey…. you may have a fat vagina but I have a cavernous one. And yes, I lost a tampon up there once….
What about instead of randomly bombing us with your thoughts on a topic, you pick Saturdays to be your day to vent about political/social injustices?
You wouldn’t gain internet fame for your shoes, rockin’ (please note that I am NOT calling you a RockStar) fashion sense and Special Ed Cooking Lessons but you would be forever loved for your big heart and mind. I love hearing your opinions on “the issues”….especially since they are so well thought out and researched.
Of course, since I tend to fall on the other side of the line and then get called names, I’d have to learn to STFU in the comment section on those days.
But if all else fails you can host “How to NOT Cook Such-and-Such” Saturdays.
OK, I think a photo essay with a picture of something that’s phallic. Hee hee! I also like the fucktard stories. I’m all about that. Or maybe, for a while, an update on your family and the town of Parkersburg, Iowa? I don’t know. I gave up on Sunday blogging a long time ago!
I love Stacey and Clinton, and I am very concerned as to why Clinton was not on the commercials for last Friday’s episode. However, I am also apparently a candidate for their show, due to my extensive collection of jammies, flip flops, and t shirts. Anyways. Possibly a weekly installment of scandalous times of yesteryears? For example, that time you got wasted and wandered around campus (or wherever) wrapped in a secondhand blanket and Santa pants, with the satin trim trailing?
Dear Britt,
You are way more to me than a woman who loses tampons in her vagina.
Love,
Poppy
And how on earth can anyon follow that comment by Poppy? That should be on a Hallmark card somewhere.
Laughing at Bec’s comment. I’d buy that card. :lmao:
I love your photo essays – they always crack me up. And to roll with Becky’s suggestion, what about ‘Clearly You’re Retarded. The Out-takes’?
I love the Weekly Fucktard idea…as long as I’m not included in one of your posts. I can be prone to bonehead moves. Anyway, I love reading about the stupid things people do.
You ask this question when the humidity that is July in the South has caused my brain to shut down. My brain is like a big dry vagina.
I thought of you today while watching the Big Brother Live Feeds. The guys started having a conversation that went like this:
“You know how when things smell bad, it’s basically a sign from nature to stay away? Like bad food?”
“Yeah”
“It’s the same with vaginas.”
I’m betting they won’t show that on t.v.
Oh, and I only thought of you because you mentioned smelly vaginas in your post, not because I think you have one. :lmao:
Oh I left out a key part which made the whole thing funny. They were talking about it in relation to eating things. I ruined the whole joke, lol.
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