A Public Service Announcement Brought To You By Mexico and The Oompa Loompas.

It was March of 1999 and we were 19 years old. I was a blond haired, blue eyed college freshman. She was an olive toned, dark haired whore. And we were headed to Cancun, Mexico for Spring Break.

I told her I was certain we’d both be able to get across the border on our way down, but made no promises about being able to bring her home. Because when you’re a 19 year old girl from the Midwest, everyone knows that if you have dark hair and a deep tan you look just like a Mexican.

We stuffed our suitcases with tiny bits of cloth made to look like underwear and even tinier bits of cloth we had designated as “swim wear”. The only thing in that bag bigger than my hand was the push up bras designed to lure frat boys into my bosom with the promise that I actually had one. Well, that and the lacy slings she called bras, which were engineered to keep her oompa loompas mildly at bay and upright.

Not just a whore – but a whore with big knockers. I mainly brought her with me as bait.

The first thing we learned when we landed in Mexico was that you could smoke anywhere. I had one cigarette in baggage claim, another one in customs and two more in the cab. Just because I could.

The next thing we learned upon our arrival at the resort was that you can drink 24 hours a day without having to sneak it past your RA. For the next seven days, we resolved to take full advantage of our new found liberties with a liquid breakfast, lunch and dinner. And snack. And nightcap. And drinks. And did I mention we stayed at an all-inclusive resort? And that that included booze?

Moral of the story: we were shamefully drunk for about 7 days straight.

But of course, booze and cigarettes were not the focus of the week. In fact, the other lessons I learned during that week with my college roommate are ones that have stuck with me to this day.

Especially the one she taught me the third night we were there. Which is, basically, this:

If a Mexican police officer catches you having sex on the beach with a guy you met on the way home from the bar, the easiest way to ensure you don’t spend the night in jail is to flash him a $20. Flashing him your oompa loompas doesn’t hurt either.

See? What’d I tell you? The more you know, people. The more you know.

I just hope she is as generous with that wisdom today as she was with me back then. I’m sure her three children would appreciate it.

Happy Birthday, Sister Christian. Love ya still. ;-)

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  1. avitable says:

    Where can I learn more about these Oompa Loompas and how might I be able to see them in action?

  2. Amber says:

    Miss Britt,

    That was one of the coolest freshman in college stories I think I’ve ever heard.

    Kudos to you for having those kinds of stories to tell when you’re 80!

  3. Jay says:

    Those of us who don’t have oompa loompas to flash la policía with have to pay $50. Take my word for it on that one.

  4. DutchBitch says:

    Does that shit only work at 19 or at 38 too? Just asking…

  5. Karl says:

    Sounds like my kind of trip. And I always thought Sex on the Beach was a drink. Who knew?

  6. Jeez. In my home town, all you have to do is promise not to do it again the first time. The second time let them drive you home–your parents aren’t there anyhow…… And, well, the third time, just make sure it is a different cop than the first 2 times…. And you are clear, and didn’t have to pay anything.

    Oh wait, that was the back seat of a car and a park and another park.

    And people wonder why I got knocked up at 15.

  7. AmyD says:

    So you make it a habit of befriending dark haired women with olive skin and large knockers?

    :cry: I thought I was your FIRST.

  8. She speaks the truth on the Oompa Loompa strategy. If you play it right, you don’t need the 20 and you’ll end up with ones and fives tucked in your tiny cloth pieces.

  9. Kay says:

    Now I want Chocolate..and beer..and sex on the beach. What’s up with that? :rock:

  10. Kat says:

    WOW, I learned almost the exact same lesson, only it was on Catalina island. Me – blond & blue, Whore – brunette & big. Both of us – drunk.

  11. happy birthday, sister christian!!!

    sounds like a spectacular trip. mexico is a magical place. (did britt put your bra on her face like she did with mine? just not right!)

  12. Winter says:

    Niiiice. I woulda been the one flashing her oompa loompas too. I kinda did things like that after 2 beers. Hence the label “Two Beer Commando” that was applied to me by a plethora of young men who enjoyed seeing my naked boobage after plying me with beer.

  13. Kristin says:

    LMAO….you know, I was just thumbing through the pictures of that week a few weeks ago! Good times, good times!
    Love you!

  14. ADW says:

    I learned a similar thing in Mexico, but the whore was my husband and la policia almost got squashed by my moped. Is it my fault he couldn’t haul his semi-automatic rifle up fast enough to take aim at me before my blonde ass flew around the bend leaving the whore husband to deal with the copper?

    By the way, do you call them oompa loompa’s because they are freakishly large, orange, or both?


    Happy Birthday to your friend

  15. Kristin says:

    Oompa Loompas!? Thanks! Tell Adam that one day, he’ll be able to meet me and my oompas! And, we could seriously blog for years about all the memories we have! LOL

    Remember that HUGE guy grabbing me because he thought I was drowning and when I came up he had ripped my bikini top at the seam!? That damn bikini was $60 and two days old! Fucker!

    Love you!

  16. metalmom says:

    $20 equals how much in pesos?

  17. “bait” — !


  18. Dianne says:

    what a great story!

    I’d love to have a good adventure today but I’m thinking $20 has become $200 and my Oompa Loompas have taken a bigger downturn than the economy.

    but a girl can dream

  19. You’re not saying ‘whore’ like it’s a bad thing, right?

  20. Bucky says:

    Without photos of these Oompa Loompas, this post is useless. :nana:

  21. NYCWD says:

    No Montezuma’s Revenge from the ice in your drinks? THAT is impressive.

    More so than orange skinned green haired imps being able to entrance the Mexican Policia.

  22. Stephanie says:

    So….your friend has overly-tanned orangish boobies with green hair on them?

    She may want to get that checked out.


  23. Stephanie says:

    Peee Essss….Amy said you were going to rape my blog…please be gentle. :blush:

  24. Finn says:

    Which one of you was having sex on the beach?Was it Sister Christian or did she just tell YOU to throw the cop a twenty? You know, while she was standing around waiting for you to finish… Clearly I’m very confused. Must be the Ooma Loompas.

  25. Finn says:

    What the fuck is an Ooma Loompa? Is it related to Uma Thurman?

  26. Andria says:

    Only true friends can call each other “whore”. My BFF and I call each other bitch… as in, love you bitch. Our hubbies don’t get it. Among many other things, I might add.

  27. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: Ohio.

    Amber: oh there are loads and loads of them.

    Jay: yet another reason it’s good to be a woman. :wink:

    DutchBitch: I’m assuming 19 is peak season for this type of thing.

    Karl: I am here to educate.

    themuttprincess: in my hometown you got grounded. For life.

    AmyD: but you’re both special baby! Honest!

    Deb on the Rocks: that’s a whole different story.

    Kay: I advise you do it in that order.

    Kat: blondes must be drawn to whores.

    hello haha narf: I don’t think I did. I reserved that honor for you.

    Winter: I can honestly say I am not a flasher when I drink. Not to men anyway.

    Kristin: I look like a fat lesbian in those pictures. A fat, drunk lesbian.

    ADW: last time I checked they weren’t orange. But she’s a freak, so who knows now.

    Kristin: oh yes, I remember the huge guy. And the “what?? what ELSE was I supposed to do while I was waiting?”

    metalmom: I believe the current exchange is “a metric fuckton”.

    maggie, dammit: sometimes, you just do what you gotta do.

    Dianne: oh yeah, I think our days of frolicking on the beach like that are long, long gone.

    Been there, Done that: of course not! Are there people out there who do?!?!

    Bucky: I’m sure if I searched through the stash…

    NYCWD: nope! None at all! I don’t remember having any ice though…

    Stephanie: apparently the green hair is “perfectly normal”. :dunno:

    Finn: I don’t want to point any fingers at her on her birthday…

    And an Oompa Loompa is a little elf like thing from Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory.

    Unless you’re me. Then they are ginormous boobies.

  28. Miss Britt says:

    Andria: and only a true friend can watch you act like one from time to time and love you just the same.

  29. jennifer says:

    What does one do if one is (hypothetically, of course) a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee?!

  30. Sounds just like my life as a stay-at-home mom. Only I use my “girls” to get discounts on plumbing, cable and my electric bill.

  31. J.O. says:

    It works for you in your 30s as well. I was a little snockered one night, came out of the bar and flashed two cops. It came in handy about a month later when I got stopped late one night. He looked in the car, saw it was me and told me to take my ass home.

  32. Hilly says:

    You know it’s a great friend when you can call her “whore”.


  33. Sarah says:

    Now I feel like I should go to Mexico. (Is it sad that I live in California, but have never been to Mexico?)

  34. Poppy says:

    (pardon me while I steal your hug smiley)

  35. Sybil Law says:

    That sound insanely similar to my own trip to Tijuana when I was 20! Only we had more than 5 of us in someone’s BMW, and got a lot of crap about the car. Thank God for someone passing as Mexican, too.
    Oh, those fun, drunken days….
    Happy Birthday, Sister Christian!
    Now that song is in my head…

  36. B.E. Earl says:

    What do you get having sex on the beach?
    A lesson in life that a mother can’t teach.
    Sand in your crotch is a terrible shame.
    You’ll know exactly what’s to blame.

    Tequila and the ganja.
    Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do…

  37. OMFG! LMFAO! :lmao:

    That’s just too funny. Must plan trip to Cancun soon…

  38. BOSSY says:

    Bossy is still stuck back at the part where you were 19 in 1999.

  39. Miss Britt says:

    jennifer: one. brings. BAIT.

    Undomestic Diva: I need “girls”.

    J.O.: I am pretty confident I would end up in jail.

    Hilly: it’s the true measure of any relationship, really. LOL

    Sarah: YES!! Head South, sister!

    Poppy: have at it

    Sybil Law: I’ve been singing that song for two days now.

    B.E. Earl: :lmao: impressive!

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: I don’t know if I would go back NOW, but it was fun THEN.

    BOSSY: I know, I know.

  40. Finn says:

    I know what an Oompa Loompa is… there was a typo in my first comment that made it OOMA Loompa. Hence the UMA Thruman comment.

    As Emily Latella would say… nevermind.

  41. [...] have been showing more readers lately. I am not sure what contributed to that. It may have been THE post that Britt wrote in “honor” of my birthday, it may be my bitching about my husband and [...]

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