I’m not leaving my husband.
And while I’m clearing things up…
This blog is a miraculous place for me. When my head is tangled up – in a big way or a small, temporary way – I can come to this space and sort it out. Anymore, I have to come to this space to get things straight. It’s the one fool proof way I’ve found to get out of my head and off of the mental merry-go-round I so easily find myself lost in. My attempts to make things clear for you inevitably makes life more understandable for me.
The clarity starts in the writing. It continues for me as I read the comments and the emails. Whether you’re way off base on where my head is really at, or exactly on target with your suggestions and advice – seeing my thoughts through your perspective always helps me to better define my own.
I’m trying desperately to explain to you that Friday’s post was not intended to be a Dear John letter to My Life. It was, however, just what I needed to regain my balance. It confirmed for me what I value you, who I am, and how I need to live my life.
First of all – I am hugely grateful for my family. As difficult as being a mother and wife can be sometimes… as much as I want to shake the shit out of my husband some days… as fun as it is to fantasize about having no responsibilities… I wouldn’t be who I am without Jared, Devin and Emma. I love who I am because of them. And more than that, I am amazed at who they are. Even Jared.
It is because of my love for them that I absolutely refuse to “wait until the kids grow up”. I don’t want to put my life on hold until my children grow up and move away. That’s not fair to them, or me. They are my life, right here – right now. They are not a temporary setback or a sentence to endure. I’m afraid that if I accept that mindset that I will miss out on what is wonderful about these years because I am waiting for them to pass by.
I needed to be reminded of that.
I also needed to remember that I am in charge of my happiness. Not the kids. And not even Jared. Friday’s post wasn’t meant to be a condemnation of him, but I noticed that it came off that way to at least a few people. I’m lucky that Jared remains wildly supportive of me. He may not notice when I’m falling apart or be able to “fix it” when I’m flailing about for answers. But he always allows me the space I need to figure it out on my own. And he believes in my ability to do so.
I hope I can learn to return the favor.
And one final thing that I think needs to be clarified: I don’t believe in “sucking it up”. My mom has always told me that we were given the desires of our heart for a reason – and not to be tortured with longing and resentment. I know the difference between the stress and bad days that comes from Real Life – and the restlessness in your soul that refuses to be ignored. I know the difference between creating your life and letting it happen to you, resigning yourself to the idea that it’s “just how things are”.
Wanting more is not the result of a bad attitude. It’s a reminder to get off your ass and make your life happen for you.
Anyway. I tell you all that to tell you this:
I am going to New York City at the end of June. My kids will be visiting their grandparents and I can get there from here at a pretty reasonable price. I’ve always wanted to go, and so I’m going to. It sounds so simple now and I can’t believe how long it took me to figure that out.
It’s not another “carrot”. It’s not a temporary escape from Real Life. But it absolutely is an integral part of me being true to who I am and consciously living my life the way I need to.
And you? Are all invited.