Miss Britt Does Philly: A Photo Essay

This may come as a surprise, but apparently there is more to Philadelphia than traffic and booze.

In fact, Philadelphia is kind of a big deal in the grand scheme of things where things = American History. At least, that’s what everyone keeps telling me. I decided I had to spend Saturday nursing a hangover exploring all of the historic crap that Philadelphia had to offer with a few members of my sweet, sweet posse.

Come, let’s see Philly together.

One of the absolute must see attractions in Philadelphia, and our first stop, is Independence Hall (formerly known as the Pennsylvania State Hall). This is often referred to as The Birthplace of The United States, because it is here that the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were both drafted. It is also pictured on the back of every one hundred dollar bill.

I was very excited to see the real thing and get plenty of pictures to bring back home. Like this one:


On a completely separate note: the National Park Rangers in Philly are dicks.

Whatever. Who needs the stupid old Independence Hall anyway. There is lots of historic crap to see in Philly!




After about 5 more minutes of assigning great historical importance to random buildings, we decided fuck this shit, we need to hitch a ride. Thank God Hilly and Becky were able to flag us down a ride and a tour guide.


Thanks to the tour guide, we were able to learn all sorts of real and true Philly facts during our carriage ride. For example:





Whew. We learned a lot in 30 minutes!

Next stop: Liberty Bell! Because you just can’t go to Philadelphia and not see the Liberty Bell. Hell, you can’t hardly call yourself an American if you don’t make it a point to see the Liberty Bell at some point in your life. It’s all about Liberty – it says so right in the name “Liberty Bell”.



Are you getting bored yet? Are you still reading? There’s going to be a quiz you know. Seriously.

ANYway, after taking the time to fully appreciate all that is The Liberty Bell, we set off to find the really cool stuff. Namely, dead people. Thank God the cemetery we wanted to see wasn’t very far away. We only had to walk 5 blocks North, 2 blocks East, 4 blocks south and 3 blocks west.


Ben Franklin is buried in the cemetery behind Christ’s Church. And do you know who else is buried there? A few signers of the Declaration of Independence, the “father of psychiatry”, the man who was the Christ’s Church organist for 41 years…


OK, I’m sorry. Downer. But that picture is so cool. In fact, I think I took more pictures in that cemetery than I did the entire rest of the weekend. I also think I laughed harder in that cemetery than I have ever laughed in my entire life. And also? I am probably going to hell now.


After Karl got dressed, we made our way to the next must see attraction in Philadelphia: The Free Quaker House. What, you may ask, is a Free Quaker?


In my book, what all that says is “cool as shit”. I have a soft spot for rebels and idealists. I officially love Free Quakers.


At least Mr. I’m A Big Fat Phony Quaker was able to recommend a good cheese steak joint for us.

Well, everyone else said it was good. Me? Apparently I’m not made for Philly or Cheese Whiz.

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  1. avitable says:

    This almost makes me wish I had come with you guys instead of watching Iron Man. Almost.

  2. Amanda says:

    I feel like I’m really getting to know Karl through everyone’s posts.

    Also, our forefathers? Smart people for knowing Obama is the clear choice.

  3. Hey Britt, I am loving the guided tour of Philly. Nothing better than a tour that (1) doesn’t cost money (2)is humorous (3) something else ….

    Thanks :-)

  4. Karl says:

    Ah, I was wondering who had THAT photo. Great shots, by the way. Apparently, if you break your story into parts, it’s not only much shorter, but you can also remember more shit.

  5. NYCWD says:

    Fuck the Quakers. They have no idea what they’re talking about, and their oatmeal sucks ass.

    Not everyone can handle the Cheez Wiz.

    We had Geno’s… with REAL cheese… ’cause you know… that’s the way I roll.

    BTW… I :heartbeat: your photo essays.

  6. Selma says:

    It’s interesting to see that Karl has an outie instead of an innie (belly button.) You don’t see too many of those. :cool:

  7. Jay says:

    Thank you for going wandering around Philly and getting those photos so the rest of us don’t have to. You’re are a great American.

  8. Winter says:

    I laugh in the cemetery all the time. If you go to hell, it’s not for laughing there. The ghosts like a nice giggle. Trust me on this one.

  9. RW says:

    Not only can those of us who happen to be Quakers say “selfish bitch”, we can also tell NYCWD to go fuck himself as well.

  10. Seen one street lamp, seen them all. And the same goes for rusty old bells.

    But an outie in a cemetery? Isn’t that how they summoned the demons in The Evil Dead?

  11. Carly says:

    Okay, that looks like it was way too much fun.

  12. Karl says:

    People in the Sun – exactly! I was summoning Zombie Ben Franklin.

  13. Turnbaby says:

    I LOVE cemetery pics—Karl’s pics of the cemetery are so cool

    Who knew Zombie Ben Franklin was an outie fan?

  14. Karl says:

    Thanks, Turnbaby! We all got some great shots.

  15. Nat says:

    Looking forward to my trip there at the end of June (Pearl Jam pilgrimage.)

    Are there any Bound Quakers?

  16. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: nah, you would have hated it. LOL

    Amanda: yes, I think Karl is officially out of his shell now – whether he likes it or not.

    CharlieDaniels: I’m glad I could be your super experienced tour guide.

    Karl: nope, I’m just going through the pictures trying to figure out how I can use them – because there are so damn many of them!!

    NYCWD: I’m kinda diggin’ on the Quakers. I mean, you know, except for the ones who don’t like me. Fuckers.

    Selma: he is an interesting cat.

    Jay: now all I need is a flag pin.

    Winter: oh, no. The laughing was the LEAST of our transgressions there.

    RW: but are you a FREE Quaker??

    People in the Sun: well that explains a lot.

    Carly: it was. Loads.

    Karl: bastard!

    Turnbaby: I have tons and tons of them I want to go through.

    Nat: now that I can say I’ve been there, done that – I really don’t feel any need to go back. Was not an overwhelming fan of Philly.

  17. bubblewench says:

    I’ve lived in Philly off and on my whole life, and I have NEVER seen a tour like that. It rocks! Totally awesome…

    That Quaker sent you to a crappy cheesesteak place (sneaky bastard).. sorry you were disappointed.

  18. there is no way to properly express how much i love your photo essays. seriously, we are talking red letters, all caps love.

    also? as much as i wanted to see iron man with avitable, i’m incredibly thankful that i did the historic shit with you, karl and hilly. it ain’t often one gets spanked in a cemetery and gets to see man nipple there. life is good! (even if the cheese steaks are mediocre.)

    p.s. i am still crushing a little on the free quaker dude. must be the fact that he was free enough to holler that you were a selfish bitch. hehe

    :heartbeat: :heartbeat: :heartbeat:

  19. MsMVNJ says:

    Ms Britt, from one Philly girl to another, you are SO made for Philly (I’m not a big Cheez Whiz fan either – they’ll still let you in). I was out of town when this fateful event happened, but puhleeze, let me in for the next TequilaCon!

  20. Hilly says:

    I wouldn’t worry about Mr. Oatmeal too much…I mean, he totally broke character by saying “my bad” that time. I think I twatted that. Oh who am I kidding, I twatted every time a word flew from someone’s mouth.

    I am so glad we got to spend this day together learning about shit and eating big cheesy steaky goodness. It was probably the best fun I’ve had learning about shit in a long time.

  21. Robina says:

    Great historically accurate, yet entertaining story.

    I’m glad you guys had such a great time. Even with the phony guy that called you a selfish bitch. That fucker.

  22. As I was reading along, I thought of so many things to say. However, once I saw that Karl is an outie, I stopped and could only think of that.

  23. You bring so much meaning to Philly!

    Your forefathers would be proud!

    (and yes, laughing in a cemetary=going to hell…)

  24. Stephanie says:

    I have to admit…i thought….”Dammit! Boring historical shit!”

    Then I remembered, “Oh yeah..this is Britt’s page…I had better read it.”

    Your photo essays rock….think of how many kids you would reach as a teacher….ooohhh..now imagining Britt as a teacher. Hm….the kids would probably come home from school dancing to Soulja Boy and screaming “Whoo hoo fuck yeah!”

    Never mind on the teaching thing. :slaphead:

  25. Finn says:

    What I want to know is, why was there no Richard Gere at the Free Tibet protest? I had to stand in line for the damn bell, listening to moldy protest music and trying (in vain) to get the grumpy Park Rangers to fucking smile… the least they owed me was some eye candy.

  26. RW says:

    No I’m not a “free” Quaker…. (pick one)

    A. I’m expensive
    B. Free Quakers would be more inclined to be Republicans
    C. I’m expensive

  27. Seriously? You rocked the history lesson. I wish you had been my teacher in high school… wait. When I was in high school, you were in elementary school, right?

    Shit. Never mind…

  28. B.E. Earl says:

    I recognize a bunch of those places from “The Sixth Sense”.

    Who says you can’t get no learnin’ from da movies?

  29. kapgar says:

    I was always under the impression that they never had bathroom doors to facilitate the process. My mistake.

  30. Little Miss Sunshine State says:

    You need to see Philly like I did. August. On a Weekday. 112 Degrees of hotness. NO LINES.

    Did you guys have pretend sex (or REAL SEX) on
    famous Patriot’s graves?? Cool.

  31. PocketCT says:

    Since I chose to push Jan around the art museum instead of the historical stuff, I’m super glad you made this photo essay. Now I feel I haven’t missed out entirely! Why would this guy call you a selfish bitch? Maybe cause you have a way better sense on style. I may be hanging out with a quaker tonight. I will see if I can get him to say selfish bitch.

  32. Crys says:

    karl has an outtie!

  33. Kyra Sutra says:

    I swear to god if it kills me I will make it to tequilacon 09. You and I would be big trouble but it would be a blast! We could have a contest to see how many drinks it took to get each of us naked (2 for me). Frankly, Philadelphia looks pretty retarded but anywhere there is booze and cheesesteaks is great in my book! Problem is that I would have gotten drunk an had sex with you, Karl, Dave and… well, everyone really. I can’t believe I missed it!

  34. martymankins says:

    Who knew Karl had an outie….

    hell, who knew “Stairway To Heaven” was written from a stairwell in Philly.

  35. Maman says:

    I thought that the Liberty Bell was all about crack? The question of the moment is are you really that tiny or was that Quaker huge? :lol:

  36. mcat says:

    Loved the tour of Philly. Some reason I thought the Liberty Bell would be HUGE.

  37. Nice tour! I personally think the whole Cheese Whiz thing is overrated. They’re better without that junk on them. I can say that because I don’t live right IN Philly.

  38. Shelli says:

    I like the original epitaph. I don’t know what the real one says, but I like the one that you pictured. I wish we had gone for a carriage ride. dammit. Now I gotta go back.

  39. metalmom says:

    Did you try our cawfee?

    I love the tour. I must look for that one the next time I’m in the city. I only get to see the tours given by old ladies with dusty hoohas!

  40. Dawn says:

    You have got the most awesome, kick-ass sense of humor! :ohgreatone:

  41. No trip to Philadelphia is complete without eating a stinky cheesesteak and viewing the freaks and oddities at the Mutter Museum. Craziness, I tells ya.

  42. Miss Britt says:

    bubblewench: I should consider picking up a second job as a tour guide. Clearly, I have a knack for it. :evil:

    hello haha narf: dude, don’t lie. You’re also still crushing on the cemetery attendant guy… that dude on the motorcycle… the concierge… the guy who worked the counter at Sonny’s…

    You’re just a lovah baby!

    MsMVNJ: let you in? Sister, there are no bouncers – I swear! LOL

    Hilly: yes, yes, you totally twatted that. LOL

    Robina: well, accurate-ish anyway.

    The Absurdist: Karl has that effect on people.

    themuttprincess: I am, clearly, a patriot.

    Stephanie: Oh. No. I would be fired by Day 2. LOL

    Finn: I got one of those grumpy fucks to wink at me. But honestly? It just kind of skeeved me out.

    RW: you are a high dollar ticket, that’s true.

    CMG: holy shit woman – HOW OLD ARE YOU?? :nana:

    B.E. Earl: really? I don’t remember ANY of that from the Sixth Sense.

    kapgar: well, clearly you had the wrong tour guide.

    Little Miss Sunshine State: actually, I don’t think we did. We MAY have considered hopping up on one of the “tables” though. Maybe.

    PocketCT: I really wanted to see the museum. Unfortunately, I saved it for Sunday and was too exhausted to get there before 2.

    Crys: I know!

    Kyra Sutra: I don’t usually get naked – I just flash my belly a lot.

    Wait. I do that sober.

    JEEZ – what the hell is WRONG WITH ME???

    martymankins: I am here to educate.

    Maman: he WAS huge and I AM very very short.

    mcat: I think maybe it is if you actually go inside.

    Black Belt Mama: it was OK – just nothing to get all up and arms about. I mean, it was no gyro, ya know?

    Shelli: the carriage ride was pretty cool. Especially for us lazy asses.

    metalmom: no one mentioned anything to me about the cawfee…

    Dawn: why thank you! I should get a trophy for that or something.

    imaginary binky: oh man, CMG was twittering that I had to go to that museum. I don’t have any clue what it even is!

  43. karen meg says:

    Great shots of Philly!!!! I’ve got a photo of me hugely preggars in competition with the Liberty Bell for largest girth!

    Meh for me, on the cheese steak too.

  44. Steph says:

    Forget that Ben guy, who’s the cute guy with the Tibet flag?

  45. Poppy says:

    Wow, the shirt is REALLY big on you! wtf?

    Must be a men’s medium. I hate CafePress.

  46. i am such a lover. although i don’t even remember flirting with the cemetery guy until yinz pointed it out. but the concierge, not so much. her lipstick scared me. even if she was terribly nice and helpful i couldn’t get past the lips.

  47. I grew up near there and officially learned more from you than all my school years combined. ;)

  48. Stacey says:

    Your photo essays always crack me up.

  49. Sue says:

    Holy crap- I missed you by like a week! Thanks for validating the Independence Hall thing – what kind of tools buy tickets in advance??????????

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