Today is the day I’ve been waiting for… almost. Kind of.
Today, the last of The Company flies home.
And tomorrow I will revel in the fact that I have my house back. Tomorrow I will come home from work and eat what I want, without worrying about making a good impression. Tomorrow I will come home and flop my ass-that-has-grown-exponentially-in-the-last-month on my couch and watch whatever I want on TV, without worrying that I’m boring anyone else.
Tomorrow.
But today, I will be focusing on this:
My kids have an intense bond with their grandparents, particularly with my husband’s mom. It’s ironic and sometimes difficult to wrap my head around, because she is so different from the other person they have an intense bond with – me.
She’s quiet and reserved. Conservative to the core. And yet she has had a soul level link with these two wild children since the moment they came into this world.
My son, an observant 8 year old, understands that they are leaving and that they will once again be far away at their homes in Iowa. He knows that he can no longer enjoy sleep overs at grandmas or late night Monopoly games that his parents are usually too tired for. He’s not thrilled about it, but he’s adjusted – in large part, I think, because he’s been able to talk about it.
And then there is my daughter.
She has gotten up each morning for the last 12 days and reminded me that I needed to “geh out! Go work mommy!” so that she can be left alone with her grandma. She has woken up in the middle of the night and snuck into the guest room where she wedges herself between the two adults attempting to share a folded out futon. I half suspect she’s making sure that they won’t escape in the middle of the night.
She hasn’t mentioned that they are leaving, and it would be easy to say that she doesn’t “understand”.
But I can feel her.
She’s restless, waiting anxiously for the connection to break again. I can feel her trying to hold on. I sense her confusion and sadness, as if she knows something is looming that she can’t fight off.
When they’re not here, there are times when I can tell that she is searching… like she is lost and waiting for her world to be right again. Every time I think about them leaving her here, I can feel the searing pain of a giant rip as real and as hot as if it was inside my own chest.
I know that this move was the right thing for us, as a family. I know that she will be “OK” in the long run.
But in the short term, today, it is hard not to be swallowed up by the sadness that I can feel from her – and the overwhelming guilt that it was ultimately my choices that are causing her so much pain. It’s easy to forget the big picture when the small details are so painful and innocent.
So, tomorrow I will revel in my regained space.
But today, I will stay home from work and hold my daughter close while she cries. I will put aside my own guilt and offer her as much sense of security as one woman can. I will swallow my doubts that I am a cheap substitute for grandma, and do my best to remind her that she is loved. I will push past the rock in my throat and attempt to breathe enough for the both of us.
I can hang on, for both of us, for one more day.
I totally misread that last sentence to say “I will push past the cock in my throat.” Sigh.
Maybe her “boyfriend” will be at daycare when she goes back on Wednesday!
God, you’re such a good Mom. I had the same bond with my paternal Grandmother that your daughter has with hers but my Mom always said that I was just imagining things and at the end of my visits with that side of the family I wasn’t allowed to cry because “you don’t get to cry over things you make up to make your own mother feel guilty.”
Your daughter is very very lucky.
Erin’s last blog post..Jane Austen
That’s very sweet. I admire the way you make an effort to connect with your in-laws for your children. That’s a true gift. Few people would make the sacrifice.
Once again you impress.
And they are lovely.
That’s a sweet post Britt. Bittersweet, you’re right.
Krystle’s last blog post..Noooooooo!
What the –? Is this the Hallmark Channel?
Karl’s last blog post..Why I Cannot Stand Your Blog (2008 Edition)
You aren’t a cheap substitute for anything — you are one hell of a mom and when your children are grown they will not remember temporary this pain. Take it from a veteran (my kids are in their 30s). They will remember only that you love them.
Incurable Insomniac’s last blog post..Was There Ever Any Doubt?
it used to drive my mommy crazy that I would smile and wave goodbye to her as she left me at grandmas but would cry when I had to come home… grandma’s are just special.
I hope your relish in all of the emotions that come your way and don’t forget to breathe it all in.
It will all be back to normal soon.
Hilly’s last blog post..Returning To Blog Life, Peace by Peace….
Very Sweet post :heartbeat:
You’re amazing sis :clap:
What a beautifully written post. I would have loved to have a mother like you.
First post of yours I read was the burnout one. This is drastically different. I am SO glad I discovered your blog. I see myself in you, ohsomuch.
Enjoy your last day of visits.
Lovely post.
I hope your daughter comes to terms with them going as easily as she can.
Dan’s last blog post..Guest Post Tuesday: Avitable
avitable: :slaphead:
Erin: um… wow. I hate to bash another mother, but… wow. Really??
claudia hall christian: I don’t think that’s true – I think most people would do the same thing. It’s not a “sacrifice” – it’s just what you do when you get married and have kids. Isn’t it?
Krystle: thank you.
Karl:
give me a MOMENT! Damn!
Incurable Insomniac: man I hope that’s true.
tori: I can understand – it hurts, I won’t lie. But I know how I feel about my own grandparents so, yeah – grandmas are special.
Hilly: you’re really taking this new Zen thing seriously, huh?
ceress: thanks.
Creed: :heartbeat: thanks baby.
Rachel: Ha! Yeah, well, I bet if my kids ever start a blog you won’t think so!
TSM: heh, um, yeah. We’re a little psychotic around here.
Dan: me too, that’s the best I can ask for.
britt, you are not a cheap substitute for anyone. grandparents are simply a different kind of love. but i have to tell you, i am blown away that you will take the day off to be there for your little girl, knowing what the return to normal life will do to the balance in the house. i hate to say that emma is a lucky girl, but she really is. there is not a doubt in my mind that you are an amazing woman, a magnificent mother. the fact that you sometimes question yourself in an effort to be the best that you can be makes you all the more spactacular. you give me hope.
:heartbeat:
hello haha narf’s last blog post..Advice, Please
The whole grandmother/mother/daughter thing can get very complicated. I lived with my grandparents for a great portion of my formative years so I know.
She’ll remember your comfort.
I hope you have a good day with her.
turnbaby’s last blog post..I’m With The Band
Mom’s are cool.
But Grandma’s rule.
You’ll see… in 30 years or so…
NYCWD’s last blog post..School Is In
I hope you both have a good day together!
Beautiful post. Their relationship with their grandma sounds so special. I’m glad I found your blog!
My parents are only 2 hours away but I go through the same thing with my daughter. Ok, maybe not quite the same, but I know where you’re coming from.
Have a great day today! :heartbeat:
Jen’s last blog post..Too busy to blog, but must!
It is so special that your daughter and son have that bond with their grandparents. They are so very blessed and so very lucky!
debkitty’s last blog post..HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!!!!!
Bad news about tomorrow: I’m coming to stay for a couple of weeks. Stock up on Spam and Velveeta, please.
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..And because I like to beat things into the ground…
Oh sweetheart. I so wish I could be there for you and Emma today – but then, I’d be Company again, wouldn’t I?
Britt’s Mom’s last blog post..Is This “Rape”?
You are a great MOM! And your kids are soooo lucky to have their grandparents in their lives.
Jer’s last blog post..Bayou Bash 2008
I’m sometimes a little hesitant to read your posts while I’m at work. You can very easily make me cry (like today’s touching post).
Then comes Adam’s comments… :eyebrow:
Melanie, well, I am the king of inappropriate segues.
Sweetie, you touch me in my heart. You made me remember how much I loved my Grandma, even when I was 40 and she was 84.
You are wise beyond your years.
I would go through the same feeling when we lived in California. My kids craved their extended family like candy deprived sugar addicts. There were highs and lows and we all learned from the journey. Now we live close to my family again and you know what? That brings highs and lows and we are learning from the journey. Hang tight, sister and keeping doing what your spidey sense tell you to do for your family. That’s what she needs most.
xo
Kimberly’s last blog post..This Just In From CBS
I always say that happy parents make happy children. And that guilt is a waste of energy. But I know that lump in your throat intimately. It doesn’t respond well to logic.
Try instead to see how blessed your kids are to have such a wonderful grandmother, one that they adore the way they do. It means they have the one thing that is more important than anything else: strong family.
And hold that little girl tight. xo
Finn’s last blog post..Moving Violation
I wish I had a grandmother to be close to. Mine was so mean I hated to visit her. She gave me the creeps, so I am so happy for your daughter. What a wonderful feeling to love and be loved by two females, and feel so … trusting around them.
Yea, your daughter will be sad, and she’ll hurt, but it’s better than the alternative, right? And you are such a wonderful mom for “knowing” how she feels without her telling you, and for staying home to hold her and help her. You are awesome!
Robina’s last blog post..You just never know
*tear*
Thanks a lot…
Damn…
:heartbeat:
Marissa’s last blog post..Never shall we die
You may be a poor substitute for a grandma, but one hell of a good mom.
Don’t beat yourself up to much about the move, I think kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.
Nat’s last blog post..Confessions of an exhibitionist prude
This is exactly why I can’t bring myself to relocate to another state, as much as my husband and I have talked about it. I can’t live without my grandkids close by. If we don’t see them for a week or so we go through withdrawals.
Great post. How you could even try to up your mommy game is beyond me.
Linda~
There is something about grandparents…. I think it is because the kids get away with just enough….
She will be fine, and things will return to normal!!!
themuttprincess’s last blog post..Tuesday QOTD, on TUESDAY! We are on a roll folks!
I can definately understand wanting your house back. Grandparents certainly can (and do) have a very different kind of bond with our children. Your kids are very lucky!
craze’s last blog post..Who’s the Dee de de…
I can hang on, for both of us, for one more day.
You just pseudo-Wilson Phillipsed us.
Poor baby. :heartbeat:
Amy’s last blog post..Not That I Condone This!
hello haha narf: heh, that’s ironic since I’m feeling all guilty about them doing to day care tomorrow and me working.
turnbaby: it’s going pretty good so far – she asked me an hour ago “You stay here with me?” I’m glad I was here for that.
NYCWD: oh, I know. I was lucky to have to amazing grandmas myself.
Peggy: thanks – I’m sure we will!
MsMVNJ: well thank you – and welcome!
Jen: that’s still far enough that I’m sure visits are a big deal.
debkitty: yeah, they really are. I’m glad for them for that.
Mr. Fabulous: OK, I’ll leave the bed down. (FUCK!)
Britt’s Mom: no. No. Of course not. Totally welcome here.
(FUCK!)
Jer: yeah, even if it’s not as regularly anymore – at least they are still “there”.
Melanie Marie: lol, sorry about that. Um… crap. I can’t think of anything funny quick.
Little Miss Sunshine State: beyond my years? Oh, I don’t know. I think that grandma thing starts pretty young.
Kimberly: you are sooo right about that. Hell, when we lived right next door (practically) there were still plenty of highs and lows and guilt opportunities. Just different ones.
Finn: yeah, my head knows logic. The lump? Not so much.
But I DO still get to choose what I focus on.
Robina: my FIL was just saying his grandma was mean – that’s just crazy to me! I can’t even imagine.
Angie: he he – any time.
Marissa: :heartbeat: back atcha!
Nat: that’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
Linda~: you would be surprised the things you “can live without”, no matter how impossible it seems right now.
themuttprincess: oh yeah, that no rules thing is awesome. When you’re the kid.
craze: yeah, I am kind of looking forward to watching crap on TV tonight.
Poppy: :lmao: I totally missed that.
That’s great!
Amy: I know, I know – brownies for lunch today!
I can feel your pain Britt. My parents are not as far away, but it always feel like I am ripping my children’s little hearts out when I take them home from a visit there.
Your kids still love you. How could they not?
Hope you all have a good week.
Cissa Fireheart’s last blog post..Man! I feel like a woman…
My Nana Creta will be turning 90 this year. She freaking rocks. She only lives 40 mins away, but I don’t see her nearly often enough. I’m a bad grandson. I should call her.
Jay’s last blog post..Tuesday is Now Tinkday!
I only have on grandparent left, and my Gram and I talk about once a week. She and her husband were my favorites, because of how much they loved us, but we were always so far away from family that it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized it.
Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Post 686: Seething Hatred With A Side Of I Will Cut A Bitch
It’s always hard when the grandparents leave. As parents, we’re the disciplinarians. As grandparents, they are the friends, the playmates.
I know she’ll be OK and the next visit with Grandma will be even more special than this one.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Manic Monday
I’m so glad your daughter has that special relationship with her grandma – that’s awesome. Grandma’s were invented to make children feel special (cause even though our mommy’s tell us we are – Grandma’s have this way of showing it – at least my great-grandma did).
Fantastagirl’s last blog post..So this is what SWINTER is?
You are one of the most awesome moms ever, Britt. :heartbeat: :hug:
Stephanie’s last blog post..It’s a Mother Fuckin’ Shoe Post, Y’All….
Cissa Fireheart: oh, I know they love me. They’ve been brainwashed to since birth.
Jay: yes, you should! :crazywife:
Tracy Lynn: OK, you’re totally twisting the knife here.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: they’re talking about having them visit for a month in the summer.
Fantastagirl: so true.
Stephanie: heh, thanks.
We visited my sister in America last year and my son bonded with his cousins and aunt so much that he didn’t want to go back to Australia. All the way on the flight home he wept – those horrible, gut-wrenching sobs children can do that break your heart. I felt so bad that we couldn’t all live close by. Don’t blame yourself – sometimes life takes us down unexpected roads. My son emails his cousins just about every day and that helps. It is hard for a little one like Emma to come to terms with it. But she has you. How fortunate she is!
Selma’s last blog post..I Wanna Be A Cowboy
This is what I love about you. You can do snark and you can do beauty, and you can do them both better than most.
Lovely stuff, Britt.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..When did David Beckham start writing books?