To those of you who have stumbled upon this blog in the last two days, I feel like I should be honest with you. I just don’t have the heart to continue this relationship under the dark cloud of a lie. The guilt… it’s killing me.
This blog? Normally is not nearly so exciting.
In fact, today you’ll find that you’ve stumbled right into the middle of a very long and mundane series that we lovingly call THE LIST THAT NEVER FUCKING ENDS. (Or, 100 Things About Miss Britt, when we’re being polite.)
Oh yeah, I said it. It’s a damn series!
Consider yourself warned.
Ahem. Now, without any further ado (because holy good CRAP I have mastered the art of long rambling introductions it seems!), let’s move on to this week’s edition.
100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Want To Teach My Kids
(What? We’ve got a THEME going here!!)
- People, in general, do NOT suck. No matter what the Internet or FOX News may tell you, the world is not made up of idiots and assholes. I mean, sure, there are a lot of those out there. But there is also a plethora of kick ass people who will pick you up when you’re down and laugh along with you when you make a fool of yourself.
- Of all the people in this world who will love you, your mom will always love you most. There is absolutely nothing you can ever do that will make me stop loving you. There are a million things you can do that will piss me off, and I will not hesitate to ground your asses to your rooms for eternity if need be. But I will always, always love you.
- Unless you come home Republicans. Then, there will be hell to pay. I have worked too hard to convert your conservative-raised father into a proper voting Democrat. I’ll be damned if you ruin that victory for me by falling at the alter of Bush. I will always promote your right to think and decide for yourself – unless you lose your fucking minds and start pulling the R level. I have my limits.*
- Remember, mommy is always 2 seconds away from crazy. You never know when… you never know why… but know that it is possible…
- But seriously kids, except for when it comes to your mom, never live in fear. Ever. Don’t ever base your decisions on fear of the unknown. Be brave and take the leap in faith. Your mom and dad did it. Your Nana and your Great Nana did it. You come from a long line of people who jump, even when they’re scared to death.
- The greatest strength you can ever know, comes from faith in the things you can’t see or understand. Hold on to your faith – you were made for it. If you grow up and decide not to be Catholic, or even Christian – that’s OK. But never forget that you are part of something bigger than you. And it’s OK to believe in things you cannot explain.
- Ahem, speaking of God – this seems like a good time to remind you: Do Not Have Sex With Random Assholes. I’m speaking to both of you here – son, daughter. Believe me when I tell you that some day you will wish like hell you could take back the ones that didn’t matter. You are better than that. You deserve better than that. And.. uh… GOD IS WATCHING!!!!
- Just because you’re “smarter” than someone, doesn’t mean you’re “better” than them. (I’m looking at you, Oh Gifted Son.) People will tell you that I’m full of shit, but trust me on this one: there is something you can learn from just about anyone… if you’re humble enough to do so.
- But don’t get carried away with that humility stuff. You are both extraordinary people – it’s in your genes. You will walk through life wondering why you seem to be too “big” for the spaces you’re in. You will wonder why you don’t quite seem to fit. My precious babies – we are not made to fit. We are made to expand and fill up and spill over. Never succumb to that urge to be “small” simply to fit.
- And last, but not least, remember my sweets… Funny. Trumps. All. Seriously – I want that on my tombstone, OK? There is just not enough funny in the world.
Alright – show of hands. Who is still here? Did I miss any crucial Life Lessons?
*I’m totally kidding about the Republican thing. I mean, mostly.