100 Things: Part 9

To those of you who have stumbled upon this blog in the last two days, I feel like I should be honest with you. I just don’t have the heart to continue this relationship under the dark cloud of a lie. The guilt… it’s killing me.

This blog? Normally is not nearly so exciting.

No, really. Ask any of the regulars. My infamy? Is in making a mockery of guacamole and the female reproductive system. And my husband. That poor bastard.

In fact, today you’ll find that you’ve stumbled right into the middle of a very long and mundane series that we lovingly call THE LIST THAT NEVER FUCKING ENDS. (Or, 100 Things About Miss Britt, when we’re being polite.)

Oh yeah, I said it. It’s a damn series!

Consider yourself warned.

Ahem. Now, without any further ado (because holy good CRAP I have mastered the art of long rambling introductions it seems!), let’s move on to this week’s edition.

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Want To Teach My Kids
(What? We’ve got a THEME going here!!)

  1. People, in general, do NOT suck. No matter what the Internet or FOX News may tell you, the world is not made up of idiots and assholes. I mean, sure, there are a lot of those out there. But there is also a plethora of kick ass people who will pick you up when you’re down and laugh along with you when you make a fool of yourself.

  2. Of all the people in this world who will love you, your mom will always love you most. There is absolutely nothing you can ever do that will make me stop loving you. There are a million things you can do that will piss me off, and I will not hesitate to ground your asses to your rooms for eternity if need be. But I will always, always love you.

  3. Unless you come home Republicans. Then, there will be hell to pay. I have worked too hard to convert your conservative-raised father into a proper voting Democrat. I’ll be damned if you ruin that victory for me by falling at the alter of Bush. I will always promote your right to think and decide for yourself – unless you lose your fucking minds and start pulling the R level. I have my limits.*

  4. Remember, mommy is always 2 seconds away from crazy. You never know when… you never know why… but know that it is possible…

  5. But seriously kids, except for when it comes to your mom, never live in fear. Ever. Don’t ever base your decisions on fear of the unknown. Be brave and take the leap in faith. Your mom and dad did it. Your Nana and your Great Nana did it. You come from a long line of people who jump, even when they’re scared to death.

  6. The greatest strength you can ever know, comes from faith in the things you can’t see or understand. Hold on to your faith – you were made for it. If you grow up and decide not to be Catholic, or even Christian – that’s OK. But never forget that you are part of something bigger than you. And it’s OK to believe in things you cannot explain.

  7. Ahem, speaking of God – this seems like a good time to remind you: Do Not Have Sex With Random Assholes. I’m speaking to both of you here – son, daughter. Believe me when I tell you that some day you will wish like hell you could take back the ones that didn’t matter. You are better than that. You deserve better than that. And.. uh… GOD IS WATCHING!!!!

  8. Just because you’re “smarter” than someone, doesn’t mean you’re “better” than them. (I’m looking at you, Oh Gifted Son.) People will tell you that I’m full of shit, but trust me on this one: there is something you can learn from just about anyone… if you’re humble enough to do so.

  9. But don’t get carried away with that humility stuff. You are both extraordinary people – it’s in your genes. You will walk through life wondering why you seem to be too “big” for the spaces you’re in. You will wonder why you don’t quite seem to fit. My precious babies – we are not made to fit. We are made to expand and fill up and spill over. Never succumb to that urge to be “small” simply to fit.

  10. And last, but not least, remember my sweets… Funny. Trumps. All. Seriously – I want that on my tombstone, OK? There is just not enough funny in the world.

Alright – show of hands. Who is still here? Did I miss any crucial Life Lessons?

*I’m totally kidding about the Republican thing. I mean, mostly.

Get More Inspiration & Encouragement

Sign up to get my weekly(ish) email with personal stories, practical tips & links to recent blog posts. You'll also have access to exclusive discounts on products & events and a handful of freebies I've made just for you.

I save my best stuff for subscribers! Join us.

Your email will never be sold or shared, because I aspire to not be a jerk.


Check to display recent post from your own blog with your comment.

  1. avitable says:

    Other than #1 and #8, I agree with you. But people do typically suck, and if you’re smarter than someone, you’re much better than them. And do you want your kids to have sex with random nice people?

  2. Angie says:

    I’m with you on these. Though I do think I am WAY better than everyone.

  3. I wish #2 had been true for me.

    Great list, Mama.

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Angry

  4. You clearly deserve that engravement on your tombstone. There’s a lot of really, really good stuff in this list. And it’s still funny. :heartbeat:

    Sarcastic Mom’s last blog post..It’s the little things.

  5. Mrs RW says:

    Not a bad legacy to leave the kids. But…I want to talk to them in 20 years to see how well it worked out!

  6. Betty says:

    Hold the line on that Republican thing, ok? If you weaken, next thing you know, they’ll want to marry one.

    Betty’s last blog post..Little Things Piss Me Off

  7. Karl says:

    All good advice, even if I do personally believe I’m better than most people.

    Karl’s last blog post..SecondHand Radio: Kyra is My Special Guest

  8. Stephanie says:

    I may or may not be a moderate w/right-leaning tendencies. And now I may or may not be kicked out of your comments.
    But I do still :heartbeat: shoes, does that redeem me?

    Stephanie’s last blog post..It’s a Mother Fuckin’ Shoe Post, Y’All….

  9. Stephanie says:

    But #9? It is so perfect and so right that it gave me a little tear in my eye…it describes you perfectly!

    Stephanie’s last blog post..It’s a Mother Fuckin’ Shoe Post, Y’All….

  10. Creed (Baby Brother) says:

    Haha avi’s comments always make me laugh alone in my room at insane hours!

    But seriously, your blog is something I look forward to…fuckin’ Fayette, Iowa :lmao:

  11. Karoli says:

    Okay, I’m in total agreement with #3. They can be just about anything but a Republican. Don’t they know I enrolled them in the Democratic party at birth?

    Just read Jenn’s post about your situation with the Mommy Group on BlogHer — good for you for standing up for the right thing and not getting sucked into the culture of fear. Good for you, but sorry it was such a crummy outcome.

    Karoli’s last blog post..Links for 2008-04-04 [del.icio.us]

  12. Dan says:

    A mighty fine list.

    Dan’s last blog post..A peek behind the emerald curtain

  13. Sheila says:

    This is an awesome list, honestly. One that I believe all parents should use!

    Sheila’s last blog post..Mail Call

  14. Penelope says:

    Number 2 and number 5 made me do that little sharp breath and then sigh thing. SO true and so lovely!
    These lists better not end, I love this sort of thing.

    Penelope’s last blog post..We’re on holiday!

  15. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: hm, let me get back to you on that. That’s a tough one.

    Angie: :crazywife: arghh – you and Avi both. Dang it!!

    Karen Sugarpants:


    and then :crazywife:

    Because I KNOW that it’s not always the case, but damn it – it freaking SHOULD be.

    Sarcastic Mom: awww, thanks. It comes from having no shame.

    Mrs RW: *gasp* you doubt me?

    It’s because we haven’t met yet. Wait until September.

    Betty: my son? No way. Don’t trust those damn women – too powerful. My daughter? Well… ahem… that worked out alright for me. :wink:

    Karl: I tell you what, all of my friends are a bunch of smug bastards!

    Stephanie: I would NEVER kick a Republican out of my comments!

    Just stay the fuck away from son. :nana:

    Creed (Baby Brother): awwwww – it’s not because you’re bored. It’s because you MISS ME!

    Karoli: you know, it wasn’t really a crummy outcome. I think it was best for everyone.

    It was just a rocky “labor”, so to speak. :-)

    Dan: shankya much!

    Sheila: especially the crazy part. I think that’s a tool that is sorely undervalued by parents these days.

    Penelope: well… there is one more in this series. (Speaking of which, I have no CLUE where to go with that one. Any suggestions?)

  16. Selma says:

    Words to live by.
    All of them.
    Absolutely. :rock:

    Selma’s last blog post..Taking It To The Streets

  17. I agree with all of them, mostly. But, #2 is the first, last and best one. I’ve always told my girls, “Do not ever forget for one single second in your lives, that your mother is your best friend, your your biggest fan, and the only person you can ever REALLY count on… And if you ever DO forget it, I will beat the holy FUCK out of you.”

    Miss Anne Derstood’s last blog post..Jesus, take the wheel…. I’ll take the floor for a moment…

  18. magnificent list!! loved it! especially 1, 2, 9 and 10. well, actually they are all my favorite with the exception of #3. coz kids naturally rebel and you will still love them lots even if they turn into alex p. keaton.

    hello haha narf’s last blog post..Fridays Are My Friends

  19. MsBatman says:

    Britt, you have done it again. You are quickly become Internet’s Darling. Brilliantly wonderful, touchingly funny. Typically Britt.

    MsBatman’s last blog post..January 08, 2004

  20. Nat says:

    I think I may make cards up with #2. So true.

    What wrong with sex with strangers?

    Nat’s last blog post..Dirty Deeds

  21. Britt's Mom says:

    And THIS, my darling, is why you don’t need to “up your mommy Game”.

    Britt’s Mom’s last blog post..“Tequila Shits” – The Aftermath

  22. Marissa says:

    I got the sex explained as: Don’t have sex with someone who is mean, and/or stupid, and ugly is your judgment. All three of those can breed true, and sex was originally designed to propagate the species. (how many really hot people have we seen who cannot string two words together?)

    You forgot “the woman is always right. Even when she’s wrong, she’s right.”

    It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

    Marissa’s last blog post..I Waited for You

  23. Trishk says:

    These are great! You are such an awsomely wonderful, beautiful person.

    Have I ever mentioned that I am a card carrying Independent?

    Trishk’s last blog post..Have You Visited My State?

  24. Jennifer says:

    This list? Kicks ass. Lucky kids…

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Things that Are Difficult to Explain to the Shorter People

  25. Excellent, excellent list. Especially 7, 8 and 9. Having gifted kids is hard, and the hardest part is getting them to see that they are extraordinary without giving them an inflated ego. With my oldest son, it might already be too late.

    Blog Antagonist’s last blog post..I’m Bringing Sexy Back

  26. Poppy says:

    #8: Amen.
    #9: I’m awesome.

  27. Penelope says:

    Any suggestions? You’re asking me???
    Okay, but you asked for it!
    10 ways Britt made guacamole, and lived to tell the tale.
    10 ways Britt dyed her hair, and Mr Britt’s.
    10 ways Britt pissed off militant babysitters.
    Should I go on? :wink:

    Penelope’s last blog post..What would Penelope do…

  28. Yep great list. :-)

    I wish my mum had explained that people don’t suck, and they don’t really care when you dress up in frocks. But I don’t blame her for not realising that it would be an issue. :-)

  29. Glenda says:

    I need to make #4 into one of those rustic wooden signs that have phrases on them and are so popular..cause it’s entirely too true! Or put it on a t-shirt..or mug…endless possibilities really! You should copyright it :) Great list!

    Glenda’s last blog post..Must. Get. Sleep.

  30. Winter says:

    Very cool list. Only, on the sex with random strangers? You realize when you tell your kids something like that as teens, it MAKES them HAVE to do it? They cannot help themselves. In my house, what worked is… if you graduate a virgin, I will give you $10,000. Of course, my daughter’s dad didn’t give up the money even though she didn’t give up the kitty. He told her he meant $10K for college. HEH.

    Winter’s last blog post..Yes! I am Crazy! Guest Bloggers

  31. Number 2 and 4 are THE MOST IMPORTANT.

    The rest, they probably will have to learn on their own! (IMHO, because, I did, and I know that my son will only listen to about 3% of what I tell him in the long run…)

    themuttprincess’s last blog post..Thank God It Is Friday!

  32. Mr. Fabulous says:


    I was planning to have you stuffed. You know, so I could……do stuff.

    Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..Tonight’s the night! Tonight’s the night!

  33. Meg says:

    Wow. I may have to go all old-school and clip ‘n’ tape this to the fridge! Excellent, no-nonsense, no-crap advice for the offspring. I love it!! :heartbeat:

  34. Miss Britt says:

    Selma: what are yours? I know you have good ones!

    Miss Anne Derstood: I don’t want them to think I’m the only one they can REALLY count on – but I do want them to know I’m there unconditionally.

    hello haha narf: la la la la *fingers in my eyes* I am not hearing this stuff la la la la

    MsBatman: pfffft – I doubt it. :lol: But thanks babe.

    Nat: well, random assholes always end up being something you have to hear about from your spouse – over and over and over again. That shit gets old.

    Britt’s Mom: :lol: I should write a parenting book, clearly.

    Marissa: I can’t pass on that ‘always right’ thing until AFTER the daughter has left the house.

    Trishk: *sigh* so is my mother and my husband. PUSSIES!!! :nana:

    Jennifer: he he he – thanks.

    Blog Antagonist: OMG, so, so true. My son’s ego is beyond and ego and just… he just KNOWS. I have no clue how to handle that effectively, but I’m pretty sure I’m fucking it up.

    Poppy: yes you are. :wink:

    Penelope: we need NEW stories though! lol

    Becky EnVérité: yeah, well, if she hadn’t (like mine) you’d have wished she noticed that sometimes people DO care.

    Glenda: I really should copyright that.

    Winter: um – how do you PROVE that??

    themuttprincess: nooooooo!

    Mr. Fabulous: you should just have a replica of me made now, so you don’t have to wait – y’know?

    Meg: tape rules.

  35. Lisa says:

    Very ironic that I’m reading your post after I’ve spent a weekend trying to cram important lessons down the throats of my children…like a crash course in life before it’s too late kind of thing. I know it’s silly.

    I agree with Adam on number 8. Knowledge is power.

    I love the list…it’s awesome.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Wonky

« « This is why I don’t get free strollers or trips to Baby Camp | Caption This, Bitches! » »

Get the In Pursuit of Happiness Newsletter!

Stay inspired by weekly emails with personal stories, practical tips & links to recent blog posts. You’ll also have access to exclusive discounts on products & events and a handful of freebies I’ve made just for you.

I save my best stuff for subscribers. Sign up today for free!