I know you all come here for the depth.
And that’s why, in my perusal of 100 Fascinating Things About Me, I have gone out of my way to deliver to you tid bits of my soul. My very soul, people.
But today? Today I thought I’d give you a break from the deepness and go completely superficial.
Today, let’s talk about my body.
100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things About The Physical Miss Britt
- I have
little big littledeflated boobs. I got boobs in the sixth grade. I thought I had cancer. My mom didn’t get boobs until she was like 30, so it never occurred to her to talk to me about puberty until much, much later. In sixth grade, I was a fucking stud. By the 9th grade? I was the girl with buds where breasts should be. I went away to college and ate too much hormone infused cafeteria food, and came home sporting a D Cup. I was the last to notice. And then? I had children. And those little fuckers bled me – and my boobs – dry. I now walk around with the remnants of water balloons stuffed in my bra. My daughter calls them “boo boos”.
- I have two tattoos, that I still love ten years after the fact. When I turned 18, I went a little… um… crazy with the independence thing. I moved out of my parents’ house, pierced my belly button and my tongue, and had two tattoos by my 19th birthday. The belly button and tongue ring are long gone (I just couldn’t picture a tongue stud at a Mommy and Me class), but the tattoos (obviously) remain. I have one on my shoulder blade and one on my hip bone.
- Apparently, I have “alternating myopathy” – which is like a lazy eye, but creepier. Basically? I only focus with one eye at a time. So don’t make fun of me for running into shit – I can’t help it my depth perception is fucked. The result is that it looks like I have a lazy eye. Except that the eye that is lazy switches. Think “camera 1, camera 2, camera 1, camera 2″ – without having to close the other eye. Yeah. I was a popular kid. (Do you suppose this answers the “never having had a drink bought for me in a bar” question?)
- I have freckles.
Lots and lots of freckles. Although I’m a blond, I have my mother’s red headed complexion. I don’t tan. I go out into the sun and get more freckles. If I’m lucky, I get enough freckles that they blend together and look like a tan.
- I also have funny little birthmarks in various spots on my body. They are kind of like freckles, but a little bigger and more red than the brown of an actual freckle. I have one on my butt and one on my inner thigh. Yes, right there. I also have one on the left side of my face that has been mistaken for a zit. God – I am a moley hottie, aren’t I?
- I have Flinstone Feet. Seriously, I could peddle a car all the way to Bedrock with my short, square, pudgy ass feet. They are a size 7 length wise, but I can’t wear anything too strappy because the squareness and the fattiness gets in the way.
- My natural hair color is dishwater blond. How flattering is that? “Your hair? Your hair is the color of greasy water with soapy residue. Mmmm.” The only thing good about my hair color is that it’s pretty multi tonal. A friend of mine in high school used to call me Rainbow Brite because there were so many colors – ranging from blond and red to deep brown and a little black. But the predominant hue? A lovely shade of dishwater.
- My lips are upside down. Do you know what pouty lips look like? Where the bottom lip kind of sticks out just a smidge? My lips are like that… but backwards. My top lip is bigger than my bottom lip. Kissing me is probably like kissing a gymnast. Upside down.
- My body type has been described as “cherubic”. It’s also been called “curvy”, “voluptuous”, and “don’t worry kid, you’ll outgrow that baby fat”. The only bone on my body I’ve ever felt is my chin. On the plus side, it makes me soft.
- Speaking of my chin, mine rivals Jay Leno’s. I’m kind of bitter he got famous for his chin. He already had the skunk hair and national TV thing going for him. Couldn’t he leave me The Chin? I’m not exactly sure where I get my chin from – my two brothers have it, but our mother doesn’t (and we have different fathers). I think my grandpa might have had a particularly protruding butt in place of a jawline too. That must be it.
And that’s it! 10 highly superficial things about the otherwise very deep Miss Britt!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call a therapist.