You’re Laughing With Me

How does a pair of Dora the Explorer roller skates prompt me to start shopping around for a cheerleading outfit?

Oh, dear reader, let me tell you how.

My daughter got a pair of roller skates for her birthday this past weekend. Once gifts were open and cake was devoured, she insisted on trying out the new skates. We laced her up and headed outside.

While Jared, Adam and Adam’s wife and I all stood around watching how much fun the kids were having skating, I commented that I should get roller skates.

“They’d be great exercise, and roller skating is so much fun.”

 

At this point, everyone collapsed on the sidewalk in a fit of laughter.

Cock suckers. Every last one of them.

They explained that I was too old to roller skate. I reminded them that I used to skate all the time. I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike! But again – they are cock suckers. All of them. They laughed and laughed and made some rather undignified remarks about me getting old. And possibly less than coordinated.

Cock. Suckers.

“Listen here,” I raged, “I know what my body is capable of! Not only can I still roller skate, but I can still do the cheerleading routine to my high school fight song! It hasn’t been that long!”

Ladies and gentleman, I give you…

My youth.

First person to comment on my thighs gets punched in the head.

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  1. avitable says:

    Ohgodohgodohgod

    My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I think I might be having a stroke.

    That very last line – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

  2. Tori says:

    wow… mad props….

  3. Laura says:

    Not ONLY do you have the spirit, I’ll bet you invented the spirit stick. Tho, I mourn the lack of a herkey. :le pant: :le gasp: :le huff:

    Laura’s last blog post..For Heather.

  4. bluepaintred says:

    lol. there are video editors that can help you edit out the whole urination issue.

    other than that. Hot. :angel:

  5. Mary says:

    My God woman,that is just what the Doctor ordered for me tonight. Thank You for making laugh harder than I’ve laughed in weeks.

    You’re just not as hot as Jared though. Sorry.

  6. Karl says:

    Excellent, will there be a repeat performance live for dinner tonight?

    Karl’s last blog post..Free Speech Only Goes So Far, Dickhead

  7. L says:

    I am laughing with you I promise….

    but I’m gonna have to call the doctor cus I think I have a hernia

    I hav’nt cried though laughing in too long thanks Britt

    You did Good

    L’s last blog post..Where to start and how to stop my cat humping my inner elbows

  8. Skating is totally adult! Sheez. When I was living in Venice Beach, my butt got really flat from too much weight lifting. The only thing that saved it was roller skating. I have rollerblades and 4 wheeled skates (a couple pairs). I go out with the dog in the summer. It’s great exercise – and very good for the old butt.

    I am impressed with your cheering… btw….

  9. Tracy Lynn says:

    I find myself to be remarkably cheered after watching this. :rock:

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Post 661: I Don’t Like you. I Hope You Take That In The Spirit In Which It Was Intended

  10. Jay says:

    That was the funniest last line ever!

    I had to go back cause I thought you said “Go Fu**ers!” and then I realized it was “Falcons.”

    And roller skates are cool. I mean, I can’t skate cause I’m completely uncoordinated idiot. But, roller skating videos from you would be lots of fun.

    Jay’s last blog post..Shout Out and WWC …

  11. Poppy says:

    I secretly aspire to be a cheerleading coach. Or, ya know, just hang out at all the meets. I’m crazy for cheerleading.

  12. turnbaby says:

    I was watching and thinking “wow—that’s really pretty good” and then you got to the last line and I burst out laughing and ooops ;-)

    turnbaby’s last blog post..So Into You Haiku Redux

  13. Dee says:

    Oh wow, I have not laughed like that in a long time :cheese: I’m sure that it’s been a while since you did this on a regular basis, but I’m assuming you’re not bringing out your fitness video anytime soon :clap:

    Oh Britt, thank you so much for that :heartbeat:

    Dee’s last blog post..Like a Tiger *grrrrrrr*

  14. :omg: That was amazing. If I was a 15 year old straight man I would need to change my underwear by now

    FreelanceCynic’s last blog post..Pilgrim’s Identity Crisis

  15. Amy says:

    :lmao: :lmao:

    Whoooooo… hahahahahaa. Oh… I think I pulled something. Oh… I think I just peed myself!

    :slaphead:

    :ohgreatone:

    Amy’s last blog post..In Which I Cop To Being A Dork

  16. Penelope says:

    Oh. My. God! That was the BEST video I have ever seen on a blog EVER EVER!!! :clap:
    I’m sobbing with laughter here and my makeup is ruined and I have to go to work where I’ll be giggling every time I think of that final line. Just genius!! :ohgreatone:

    Penelope’s last blog post..I just want my life back!

  17. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: do you smell omelets?

    Tori: thank you!

    Laura: why didn’t I think of a herky! Totally easier than a fucking toe touch!

    bluepaintred: screw video editors. Where’s the doctors? I hear there is surgery for that stuff.

    Mary: I know, that’s what he keeps telling me. LOL

    Karl: will there be booze?

    L: well good. You should cry from laughing at least once a week I think.

    claudia hall christian: ha! yes! My butt isn’t flat – but I still thinking the skating would help.

    Tracy Lynn: and do you want to tackle someone and score?

    Jay: I think I need to take up a donation for skates. They can’t be more than what, $20?

    Poppy: that’s why I figured I could do it still. LOL I was a drill team coach until I moved here. I guess it’s been a long… lazy… 7 months.

    turnbaby: thank you for appreciating my coordination. LOL

    Dee: oh my god I know. How awful was that?!!? I’m afraid to walk out to the mailbox after that!

    FreelanceCynic: I have that effect on people.

    Amy: thanks for your contribution, btw. ;-)

    Penelope: sorry about your makeup.

  18. Amber says:

    Hee! Loved it – and I am totally impressed that you can kick your legs that high :)

    On the roller skating, though – I had the exact same thought a couple of years ago. I was all, “Fun! And excercise! And hey, I used to more or less live in roller skates when I was a kid!” So I bought me some roller blades, and… well, suffice to say that those things haven’t been touched in two years. The thighs just said “no”.

    Amber’s last blog post..Oh my holy God, it’s another freaking list…

  19. avitable says:

    Seriously, people. Is someone cooking eggs or am I stroking out here?

  20. Peggy says:

    Tell the truth, you totally had to call in sick today didn’t you?

  21. Musing says:

    Ha! Well, out of breath or no, you sure put me to shame. :ohgreatone:

    The last time I could attempt something even remotely resembling a cheer would’ve been two-decades-four-children-and-a-Web-addiction-which-has-me-sitting-on-my-rear-most-of-the-time ago.

  22. Melizzard says:

    You have spirit yes you do!!!

    Kudos to you as I didn’t dare video my “I so can still do a cartwheel!” fit that I pitched in the yard last month. The one where the husband claimed he would have no part of it and would so much as dial 911 if it went south.

    I showed him, my cartwheel still totally rocked. (or at least it did in my topsy turnvy brain aferwards)

    Question for you – what video editing software do you use?

  23. Mr. Fabulous says:

    I can’t watch it at work, which at least is saving me a punch in the head.

    Can you even reach my head?

    Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..Dr. Phil is a pedophile!

  24. Poppy says:

    Please make Emma be on the cheerleading squad or the drill team so that I might live vicariously through you. Please?

  25. Father Bob says:

    Thighs…I love thighs

  26. debkitty says:

    I seriously think you made me piss my pants!!!! :omg: :lol:

    Too Freaking Funny!!!

    debkitty’s last blog post..SIL from Hell!

  27. Kristin says:

    OMG! I Am laughing so hard…..only because I am at work and can’t hear anything, I am just watching your actions.

    I have GOT to start checking your blogs at home where I am free to do as I please!
    And, btw….I can still do my fight song too!

    Kristin’s last blog post..Not Much….

  28. Kristin says:

    I didn’t know you were going to do it agaiN! I only watched the first one where you were out of breath….Oh My Holy Shit you did a jump! LMAO …….I can’t wait to go home and REALLY watch without interruptions!

    Kristin’s last blog post..Not Much….

  29. Trishk says:

    I bought Not A Grampy a pair of roller blades a couple of years ago. Then I raised the amount of life insurance I had on him…

    Were you sore the next morning?

    Trishk’s last blog post..I’m A Winner!!!!

  30. Miss Britt says:

    Amber: that kick got lower and lower with each take. LOL

    avitable: :lol:

    Peggy: not at all! I am a pillar of athleticism and health!

    Musing: yeah, so far it’s only been 10 years since I last did that.

    It may well be another 10 before the next appearance.

    Melizzard: I just use Windows Movie Maker. Oooh – a cartwheel! I used to in gymnastics when I was like 7! I bet I can totally do a cartwheel!! :lol:

    Mr. Fab: when you’re sleeping I can.

    Poppy: I promise. She already has poms and a megaphone.

    Father Bob: well there is lots to love there.

    debkitty: it’s only fair someone should share in the pissiness.

    Kristin: oh you are sooo missing out without the sound.

    BTW – like my shorts? :wink:

    Trishk: surprisingly, no. I don’t have so much as a twinge this morning.

  31. Kristin says:

    I couldn’t see them so far up are they Wildcat Wrestling shorts!?

    Kristin’s last blog post..More Business From the Funny Farm!

  32. Honeybell says:

    That was great!!! Definitely best thing I’ve seen today . . . makes me wish I’d spent more time actually cheerleading rather than smoking weed in the bathroom during games . . .

    Honeybell’s last blog post..Thoughts On The Wild Kingdom

  33. Finn says:

    I wanna see Avitable do that. Without peeing himself.

    Finn’s last blog post..I Just Want To Tell You

  34. Hilly says:

    Hahahaha, great stuff! I love how you put yourself out there and are not afraid to just be you (which is a compliment, btw!).

    Hilly’s last blog post..Snackie Video: The One Where I Look Like A Hag….

  35. ADW says:

    Did you say “Go Buckets”?

    I couldn’t tell with the gasping..

    ADW’s last blog post..I Am Having A Good Crisis

  36. Yes I am laughing with you, a lot. :lmao:
    Had to have the sound turned off here at work, but it was still funny. Nice thighs.

    maninthekitchen’s last blog post..Sliders anyone?

  37. Marissa says:

    I needed that this morning, thank you!

    My nose is probably going to burn after I snorted that coffee out it though.

    Marissa’s last blog post..Borrowed

  38. Victoria says:

    OHMYGOD!!
    OHMYGOD!!
    Okay, okay, I just caught my breath. But I may have to go change my undies.
    Nice landing on that toe touch! hahaha

    But isn’t it sooo true–Once a cheerleader–ALWAYS a cheerleader!
    From 4th thru college and I coached!
    Uh Rah!!

  39. Britt's Mom says:

    You are AWESOME! I am absolutely amazed and impressed – it’s been a good ten years.

    Go FALCONS!!

    Britt’s Mom’s last blog post..Wisdom vs. Knowledge – the Differences

  40. I like you soooo much more before I knew you used to be a cheerleader.

    Damn. Where do we go from here? I mean, I didn’t think someone could be sarcastic and dry and cynical *and* have spirit. It just ain’t right. :)

    MH

  41. Kyra Sutra says:

    OMG… I thought it was hilarious but then the very last part had me fall right over. Well done!

    Kyra Sutra’s last blog post..Handrea’s Personal Ad

  42. metalmom says:

    :lmao: :cheese: :clap: :D :lol: :rock:

    What? No handstand? No back flip?

    That was awesome! I think I peed a little bt watching that jump!

    metalmom’s last blog post..Grant’s “Not A Meme”

  43. Miss Britt says:

    Kristin: they are in deed.

    Honeybell: yeah, but I bet you could still smoke weed now without getting winded!

    Finn: he is into copying me. Maybe I could convince him of that.

    Hilly: afraid? what is there to be afraid? That routine was flawless!!! :clap:

    ADW: :lmao: No, no. I said “OMG I NEED A CIGARETTE!”

    maninthekitchen: oh promise me you will watch it with sound later. It’s a completely different experience, I assure you.

    Marissa: that’s why I use creamer. Cools it off.

    Victoria: Hellz Yeah!

    Britt’s Mom: I bet you could do yours too.

    Kyra Sutra: what a coincidence – that’s where I fell over too!

    metalmom: oooh – I can do a handstand! A back flip. No. But a handstand, absolutely!

    Can I use a wall for support?

  44. Crys says:

    thighs? your thighs look awesome.

    Crys’s last blog post..Just had to stop in…

  45. Emily says:

    That was…amazing.

    And screw the naysayers, you go buy yourself some skates. There are women twice your age on the roller derby team here in town. If they can skate while getting knocked around, then you can skate for fun. Damn the man!

    Emily’s last blog post..The air up there

  46. Kimberly says:

    God, please tell me you were wearing a sports bra.

    You’re fucking crazy. I love you…but you’re crazy.

    PS- You could totally teach jazzercise with me. That video is proof.

    Kimberly’s last blog post..Don’t Cry…

  47. Anonymous says:

    OMG! You made me snort with laughter! Where did you get the soundtrack for the first take? You rock. Now, can you do a cartwheel for us?

  48. Shelli says:

    That Anonymous? Totally was me. I am working on the desktop since my laptop is on it’s way to the hospital and I forgot to enter my info.

    Shelli’s last blog post..I’m a RAPper!

  49. That? Was amazing. :ohgreatone:

    Squeaky Wheel’s last blog post..Again – HOW is it attractive to dog yourself for being curvy?

  50. barbra says:

    I think the funniest thing is that you had the music. WTF? No, the funniest thing was the pee part!

    barbra’s last blog post..Girl Power!

  51. OMG. When you said “toe-touch” at the end all I could think was Sweet Jesus don’t let her go flying into the china hutch or whatever the hell that wooden thing was standing next to you. Do you need vaginal stitches now? That may not have been pee, hon. Holy shit that was impressive.

    Not Afraid To Use It’s last blog post..Playdate. Mandate. Everywhere a Date Date.

  52. OMG you are too fucking funny!

    Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..I Only Have Time For a Quickie

  53. Jen says:

    Oh I just think I peed myself! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    That was the best part of the whole video!

    Jen’s last blog post..Tired Tuesday

  54. You pee’d yourself?!?!?
    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    Dude, I pee’d myself watching that. Awesome! I love you hon!

    And thighs? Who’s paying attention to your thighs when there is the wonderfulness that is your unfettered boobies?!? :D

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..A Shining City Upon a Hill

  55. Miss Britt says:

    Crys: why thank you. No punches to the head for you.

    Emily: damn straight!

    Kimberly: sports bras are for pussies!

    Shelli: from the Internetz, of course! it’s the University of Iowa fight song – which was also our high school fight song.

    Squeaky Wheel: why thank you!

    barbra: oh yeah, pee trumps soundtrack any day.

    Not Afraid To Use It: NO! My vagina is just fine thank you! :D

    Karen Sugarpants: i try. :D

    Jen: urine is always a good ending.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: my boobies are totally fettered!!

  56. Nobody™ says:

    Did someone say boobies?

    Nobody™’s last blog post..WTF – Boy beheaded by uncle in supermarket

  57. Krystle says:

    I THINK I just about pee’d myself after you said you think you just pee’d yourself at the end… You are so damn funny!

  58. Nat says:

    Killer! I loved it!

    (And you so would have made bullied me in high school. I was like a fat version of the cheerleaders in smells like teen spirit — except it was 1988.)

    Nat’s last blog post..Spring ahead

  59. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Simply, I love you.

    Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..Dr. Phil is a pedophile!

  60. RW says:

    I have purposely waited until the excitement wore down and there would be NO ONE to witness what I am about to say because… you know… I’m sneaky like that but..

    I’m sure it was wonderful, but this is exactly the reason I was a dope head in theater back in high school.

    Just sayin…

    RW’s last blog post..All Hands On Deck

  61. That was totally great. You’ve got the beat, baby!

    Rich | Championable’s last blog post..Briefly: Business IS personal.

  62. Rachel says:

    :ohgreatone: :ohgreatone: :ohgreatone:

    I….Worship….You!!

    Rock on sista….you’ve got the moves!

  63. Mrs RW says:

    I’m guessing that, like me, there were several things you could do more easily prior to an addiction to nicotine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

    Mrs RW’s last blog post..How you know it’s time to pick a new rock idol

  64. hellohahanarf says:

    oh how i love you! the fact that you would video yourself *ahem* a few years *ahem* out of high school doing a cheer, and then put that fucker on the interwebz, is just so damn awesome. i truly hope you know how wonderful that you are.

    also? if you could run a contest where you replace someone’s work laptop because she dropped it while peeing herself at your last line? yeah, that would be nice. especially if you could rig that contest so that i win coz my laptop isn’t liking that i dropped it.

    gotta go change the panties right about now…

    (thanks for having us laugh along with you. that was awesome.)

  65. SJ says:

    Holy shit! That was amazing. And there at the end when you peed yourself … you had lots of company! :lol:

    SJ’s last blog post..Querypalooza!

  66. Stephanie says:

    I just projectile shot a combination of water and snot from my nose and mouth…thanks for that last line Britt.
    :omg:

    Stephanie’s last blog post..Top 8 reasons I love my cleavage.

  67. Fantastagirl says:

    Okay – what year did you graduate high school – cause my hometown use to play AP High in Football…and of course AP always won.

    Fantastagirl’s last blog post..I’m here!

  68. [...] Irish Pub for a great dinner. Britt was going to join us, but she pulled a groin muscle after her little cheerleading stunt yesterday and needed to plunk her crotch in a bowl of ice. Or maybe her babysitter canceled on her. [...]

  69. ginamonster says:

    Dude. I think I have a couple of years on you. And I’m skating twice a week, Roller Derby. We’re going to pretend that I did not possibly re-sprain my ankle this evening and focus on my ass, which hasn’t been this high and my thighs which haven’t been this firm in OH 15 years or so.

    ginamonster’s last blog post..In which the cure is far worse than the injury

  70. Miss Britt says:

    Nobody™: probably.

    Krystle: why thank you!

    Nat: I was NOT a bully. At all.

    I don’t think.

    Mr. Fabulous: :heartbeat:

    RW: I wasn’t into dope until, um, later.

    But I was HUGE into speech and theater in high school too. It’s possible to do more than one thing at a time ya know.

    Rich: thank you. :D

    Rachel: worship? Will there be offerings?

    That would be cool.

    Mrs RW: fuck, yes.

    I’m seriously considering quitting. Some time.

    hellohahanarf: you mean not everyone would do that? :dunno:

    Sorry ’bout the laptop.

    SJ: peeing loves company! :clap:

    Stephanie: most unique bodily fluid spew of the day. Good job.

    Fantastagirl: 98. We were AWESOME!

    ginamonster: can you advise me on a cheap place to get roller skates? I’m determined now.

  71. hellohahanarf says:

    ok, i have to tell you that i was roller skating in my dream this morning. it was snowing rather hard and i had to get to work. the roads were clear, although there was probably a foot of packed snow on the sidewalks. i was roller skating (not that fucked up inline skating) in the street, trying not to be late. then i got to this huge 5 was intersection and one of the roads was closed due to the deep snow in the street. i tried to roller skate up that street. up hill. in the packed snow. and i didn’t fall down! then i saw my cousin who told me that work was canceled because of all of the snow and that i could go home. i took one glide and fell down.

    then i woke up. tv was on. weather bimbo was talking about all the melted snow and rain causing floods. said the warf parking lot and the 10th street bypass were going to be closed due to the flooding; said the fountain at the point where the three rivers meet was about to be underwater. she went on to say the rain would soon be turning to snow.

    so i pulled your roller skating and the tv into my dream. fucked up, eh?

  72. Melissa says:

    That was just awesome! :clap:

    When I was in high school, our squad had a routine ON rollerskates, to Sweet Home Alabama. No idea why a bunch of cheerleaders in Maine chose that song :eyebrow: but we did. Anyhow, no way could I remember the whole routine now! I’m pretty sure I can still skate tho. :cheese:

  73. Lynda says:

    I have thought of buying roller skates. Seems as though everything is roller blades now a days though, and I can’t really balance on them. Of course, I never was that great at roller skating either…and the stuff you did in that video…never.

    BTW, what’s wrong with your thighs? I thought you looked great all over.

    Lynda’s last blog post..Life’s a Beach

  74. Miss Britt says:

    hellohahanarf: I am honored to have finally made it into your dreams.

    And it’s about damned time, really.

    Melissa: OK, that I am sure is beyond my capabilities. Probably. Maybe. You know.. maybe I should try…

    Lynda: oh no, I will not be getting roller blades. That’s just crazy talk. I need me the balance of four whiles positioned properly.

    re: my thighs & all over – Bless you my child. Bless you.

  75. Kimberly says:

    pussies and pancake-boobed 40 year olds…yep

    Kimberly’s last blog post..Don’t Cry

  76. Maggie says:

    pAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHJAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

    Jaysus H, dude that was hysterical!

    Again, ditto my last comment.

    Maggie’s last blog post..From Eva’s mouth to my blog

  77. Bec says:

    You, seriously, should be bottled and sold as a cure for the world’s ills. You are seriously amazing. I’ll bet your team won every game! :clap:

    Bec’s last blog post..Boob Pressing

  78. Selma says:

    GO TEAM!!!!
    GO BRITT!!!!!!

    Such energy, such enthusiasm, such fine lines.
    I haven’t laughed so much in ages.
    Go get those skates right now, then you can do another video for us. You brighten everyone’s day!

    Selma’s last blog post..Must Be Funny In A Rich Man’s World

  79. chicken says:

    OMG! Go you!
    I am totally jealous! I can’t remember to pick my kids up after school…and you? can remember the routine to your high school fight song?! A-Mazing!
    Also…can I give you snaps for the colors in your house? I love them!
    Maybe the next video can be you on skates doing that routine? Just a suggestion.

    chicken’s last blog post..myth busters

  80. Miss Britt says:

    Kimberly: I think I’m going to need some proof of these pancake boobies you speak of.

    Maggie: by hysterical of course you mean INSPIRING!

    Bec: I wonder what the going rate for that would be…

    Selma: Perhaps this weekend I will do just that.

  81. ginamonster says:

    Britt,
    I got mine at http://www.lowpriceskates.com. They were $180, but have to put up with A LOT of abuse. I don’t recommend the really cheap ones ($25 or so) I watched a pair fall apart on the rink last night. And she wasn’t abusing them at all. I go my other pair at Wal Mart for about $60 and they stood up to 4 months of Derby practice. (Then they got put away) I think something in that price range should do you just fine.

    Oh, and invest in knee pads, at the very least.

    ginamonster’s last blog post..In which the cure is far worse than the injury

  82. HoosierGirl says:

    Good job. You looked great!

    J.

    HoosierGirl’s last blog post..A List of Silly Quizzes….

  83. kapgar says:

    Holy shit, you’re my new hero. I can’t believe it took me so long to finally watch this. But soooo worth it.

    Those look like a pair of Iowa State shorts I used to have that Katie uses as pajamas now.

    kapgar’s last blog post..To that same old place that you laughed about…

  84. claire says:

    I wrote about rollerskating just last week, so I certainly won’t give you a hard time about it. Besides, you look pretty coordinated to me, so I say get yourself some skates!

    claire’s last blog post..I’d hire Miss Pettigrew

  85. daddy says:

    and to think i watched you do that and be social and push ups after touchdowns…sometimes 60? :lol:

  86. NaysWay says:

    You just found yourself a new reader. Being a former cheerleader and mother of two, I thought this was brave… and HILARIOUS! If you haven’t gotten those skates yet, you’d better. You deserve them after that.

  87. Love this video! You’ve got a pretty awesome kick there Britt ;)

    We moms rock!

  88. [...] all, I was in sports in high school (cheerleading is a sport!), I have had to clean really quickly before guests came over, and I’ve been [...]

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