Miss Britt Makes Guac. Again.

As you may recall, I recently tried to make homemade Guacamole. And, um, it didn’t go so well.

Namely, the guac ended up pretty runny. And soupy. And also gross tasting.

Soooo…. I took many of your suggestions (and also, and maybe more accurately, the guy at the Mexican restaurant’s recipe) and decided to try again. Because I live in Florida now, and I’m pretty sure guac making skills is like a rule here or something.

Step one: Get avocados.

I took your advice and went with the non-florida and also ripe ones:

Um, yeah, thanks for that

Step two: Peel these sonz o’ bitches:

ew.  and ow.

Step Three: Realize it is never too soon to be sick o’ this shit, and look for Easier Way:

Thinking a spoon would make it easier.  Plus this seemed like a Cooking Show type trick.

Step 4: Put chunks of shit in bowl

yeah, here, in bowl - wooo!

Step 5, 6 & 7: Smash with fork. Think that sounds kind of hard. Move on to next step. But first, one longing look:

It's calling me Easy.  And I like it.

Next step: choppeth the Roma tomatoes (according to Mexican Restaurant Guy, this is important)


Not that I wasn't tempted

Step Next: Fuck. I’m going to have to smash the damn avocados now.

I TRIED people!

Begin to suspect I am Guac Loser. And that these should be smashing better.

IDJYF: I don't Judge You Fucker.  We're getting shirts.

I’ll have you know…

Chop is OK.  Chop is not cheating.  Is short cut.

Suspicion beginning to give way to dread, despair and defeat:

Fuck.  Even I know this doesn't look right.

Soldier on. Maybe adding the tomatoes will help. I am not a quitter!!

I apologize if you have a weak stomach

Taste and determine this is definitely not right. So not right it is not even worth starting with the rest of the ingredients. This shit cannot be saved.

Wish I had taken picture. But am not willing to put that nastastic concoction in my mouth again in order to stage tasting picture.

Look around for help. Comfort. Something that can save this crap!!

like angels singing

No, seriously…

ah sweet distraction

Ah, yes. Sweet Comfort. Divine Clarity.

Suddenly, the answer to my Guacamole Nightmare is clear.

Screw you guys, I'm going home

Perfect. Job Well Done. Enjoy the fruits of my labor.

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  1. avitable says:

    You are unbelievable.

    On the plus side, your new glasses are smokin’ hot.

  2. Mom says:

    Damn – it looked right to me!!

    That’s it – I HAVE to go to Panchero’s for a late night (Wal-mart) run.

    Nice shoes AND the pedicure is loooooovely too.

  3. Lynda says:

    1) I always peel avocados with my fingers.

    2) I think if you added the other ingredients, I would have come out right.

    3) What do I know? I buy guacamole from the deli department of my supermarket. :D

  4. hellohahanarf says:

    1. those shoes are smokin hot. love em.
    2. all you had was smooshed avocados and tomatoes and it tasted like shit? wtf?
    3. i seriously promise that i will get to the mexican store for your mortar and pestle thingy THIS saturday. seriously promise. like cross my heart, hope to wear uncomfortable shoes, and have bad hair forevermore if i don’t do it promise.
    4. red toes are the best. gerat job!


  5. hellohahanarf says:

    yeah, i can’t even type “great” today. whew.

    oh, and i forgot my number 5. i don’t exactly “peel” an avocado. i hold it in my left hand, take the knife in my right hand and sorta cut into it longways until i hit the pit, then turn the avocado and hold the knife steady so that i make a circle around the put. put the knife down, use my right and on one half while my left hand is gripping the other side and twist while pulling. when i have 2 halves, put the 1/2 with the pit in my left hand and pick the knife back up. whack into the pit with the far back sharp corner of big ass knife. twist and remove. grab a spoon and scoop out the green heavenly goodness from each half. wha-la.
    did any of that make sense?

  6. Karen says:

    The shoes are very, very cute!

  7. AmyD says:

    Oooo, cute shoes!!!! :clap:


  8. DeannaBanana says:

    hahahaha…you are so silly! Remind me to make guac. Which, btw, your second attempt really was getting close and could have worked out just fine. I think your throwing it out was premature and fueled solely by your desire to get to the wine drinking-shoe staring portion of the activity. Which, I might add, I am a little pissy that I wasn’t invited to attend. Bitch.

  9. Poppy says:

    Um. I want to say something here, but I’m too weepy for the wasted avocado.

  10. Brandi says:

    I love the way you cook.

  11. QofD says:

    Alright, on the peeling the avocado thing: Take a large butcher knife and slice the avocado in half. Basically, you’re going to cut the thing in half lengthwise around the pit so that in the end you have two halves with the pit in the middle. Twist the avocado so that the two halves become separated.

    Then! Stick the knife into the pit and pull it out of the center of the half it ended up in.

    Then! Using your thumbs, separate the skin from the fruit. Unless the avocado isn’t ripe, the skin should separate quite easily.

    Then chunk away.

    And you know? I don’t use tomatoes or a food processor. Just avocado, lime juice (or else the stuff turns brown) and a little salt. Tomatoes make it too watery for my taste.

    And! Those shoes really are super-fly-kick-ass.

    And! Wine makes guac-making all better.

  12. gtboat says:

    Even I like your shoes. And I am a guy.I also like the french nails. Most girls on the interweb that flash me have french nails. I ain’t saying nuthin here. Just thinking out loud…

  13. NYCWD says:

    Those shoes are… yellow. Like really really yellow.

    Are they supposed to be that color?

  14. Turnbaby says:

    well I was going to tell you how to ‘peel’ the avacado but it’s been done.

    The shoes are FUCKING HOT! :heartbeat:

  15. Pam says:

    Okay, someone is feeding you a line of crap. Here’s how we make gauc at our house — in five mins., and to rave reviews. Take the avocados (you have the right ones, this time. Those FL cados are not for guac.)
    Cut in half, scoop out pit. (Save for science experiment later.) Take a spoon and scoop out the fruit. (what is this peeling crap?)
    Use a potato masher to mash up. Mix in pico de gallo (our local Giant grocery store has excellent “hand made” stuff in the veggie section). Stir together and put in fancy bowl. Everyone raves. The end.
    And? the shoes are hot!

  16. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: oh yeah, I am a picture of hotness here. :rolleyes:

    Mom: thanks :-)

    Lynda: I still have yet to find the buyable shit.

    hellohahanarf: thank you – although I didn’t paint them myself.

    Karen: it’s all about the shoes!

    AmyD: your insistence on sullying my good name is so sad, Amy.

    DeannaBanana: I don’t think the pictures are doing the nasty consistency justice.

    Poppy: I have bad veggie karma.

    Brandi: I know, I should totally have a show, don’t you think?

    QofD: I don’t understand all this “stick the knife into the pit” thing. The pit comes right out! THAT part I can do.

    gtboat: those aren’t french nails. Those are Not Done Nails.

    NYCWD: yessss… :whosnext:

    Turnbaby: thanks :heartbeat:

    Pam: what exactly ARE the FL cados used for then?!?

  17. AmyD says:

    :lmfao: Oh baby, as if lil’ ol’ me could EVER add to that thing you call a reputation / good name.

    (whore, whore, whore, whore, whore, whore)


  18. NotaGranny says:

    Love the shoes! Course being 5’10″ those heels would make me 6’4″ then Not A Grampy would be chasing me around the house and we already had our anniversary for the year.

    Now, on the the avocado..PEELING it? I have never seen anyone peel an avocado. I think you just accomplished a new feat.

  19. SleepyNita says:

    And add a clove of garlic and a bit of hot sauce. Seriously.

  20. God, what the hell are you doing to those freakin’ avocados. They’re gonna start protesting and jumping out of your shopping cart. Anyway, here is how to make Guacamole. You can’t fuck it up if you do it just like this.

    Buy these things:
    3 ripe avocados
    1 Lime
    1 bunch of cilantro
    Cayenne pepper powder
    Cumin Powder
    Garlic cloves

    Seriously, that is all you need.

    Okay, get the fruit out just like the person earlier said. It is infinitely easier to do it that way. Squeeze your lime into it. Chop up a handful of cilantro (I personally use less because I am not a fan of cilantro but some people like it and it adds some extra fresh taste to the guac.) Now, toss in the bowl a bit of cumin-no more than a teaspoon or so. Toss in a few minced garlic cloves.

    Now get out your POTATO MASHER. And start mashing. You aren’t trying to kill it, you’re just trying to make it mooshy enough to eat on a chip.

    After it is the right consistency for your tastes, add salt and the cayenne pepper to taste.

    You can put in some wee chopped up finely tomatoes if you want or some finely chopped up onion. I skip the onion and tomato but some people have a freak attack if they aren’t in there because they’re used to seeing it at their local Mexican restaurant that is run by Xing Chan. Yeah, maybe that is just California. I dunno.

    Anyway, if you follow those instructions, your guacamole will be tasty and the right consistency. DO NOT AT ALL get out that food processor. I’d rather you just put the bowl in the floor and squooshed up the avocado with your feet first.

    Speaking of feet, those are some super-hot-ass shoes!

  21. Tracy says:

    Holy fuck! Thank you for the laugh. I sooooo needed that right now….

    I :heartbeat: your freaking shoes… Those are hawt!!!

  22. Skip the guac – its nasty shit anyway. :tongue:

  23. I swear to god. Do I have to fly down to FL just to teach you how simple Guac really is?? I am dead serious lady! I will.

    :martini: :martini: :martini:

  24. deb says:

    OKay your guac needs help, if you want to do it in a food processor then that is fine, it is how I do mine. You need tomatoes, onion, cilantro, salt, pepper, cumin, lime juice.

    Process the hell out of the cilantro, add peeled avacado, and pulse it a few times. Scoop it out. Add diced tomato a little onion, salt, pepper, cumin, and lime juice, stir up and it is delicious.

    If you can walk in those spike heels you CAN do this!

  25. Denise says:

    Cut the avocados in half then spoon the “meat” out of the halves. Much easier.

  26. BOSSY says:

    Chop? Puree? Those processor buttons look like Pills to Bossy. Is that so wrong?

  27. teebopop says:

    hellohahanarf gave the correct way to do an avocado.

    What no one told you yet is that after you buy an avocado, you need to put it/them in a brown paper bag and leave it for a day or two. THEN the skin will practically fall off and it will totally ripen the avocado.

    Also, don’t tell Poppy you tossed the pit. You could actually grow an avocado tree with it.

    Love the shoes. Yellow or purple nail polish would look cute with them.

  28. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Finally, a guacamole recipe I can embrace!

  29. mari says:

    I thought your “cooking” looked good; just needed a little garlic, finely chopped onion, lime and cilantro. I dont know what the cumin is that a couple cooks mentioned….i bought some, it smells horrid. Don’t add it.

  30. What the FUCK are you doing mashing with a fork????? You need to get one of those mashed potato thingies that our grandmas used to smash things by hand.

    I am scared about you not knowing about the green avocados compared to the darker ones. I think it’s times to get you some classes… :-)

  31. rachel says:

    this was freakin hilarious!!!

  32. Miss Britt says:

    AmyD: you know, you DID just send me some new headshots that can easily be photoshopped into AmyD porn.

    I’m just sayin’.

    NotaGranny: luckily, I’m not even 5’2. Those heels are a necessity.

    SleepyNita: ew, can’t do hot sauce.

    Kentucky Girl: this is the first time I’ve seen some of those ingredients suggested. I’m guessing you like it hot.

    Tracy: thanks, and you’re welcome. :)

    Crazy Lady: LOL, but I’m in the South now! I think that’s REQUIRED!

    themuttprincess: Yes. You do. And bring Prince with you this time.

    (seriously, have an extra room – if you’re ever up for an Orlando getaway….)

    deb: that’s two votes for cumin

    Denise: OMG, you’re alive!!!

    BOSSY: only because they are blue…

    teebopop: oooh, I wonder how long it would take to grow a tree from one of those things!

    Mr. Fab: come on over, we’ll cook together!

    Amanda: :D

    mari: and one vote for “no cumin”. Got it. LOL

    The Absurdist: I’d never had an avocado in my house before I moved here.

    rachel: thank you.

  33. delite says:

    In all my life I have never used a blender to make Guacamole, I also use a mix that has all the ingredients already in it…YUM

    The shoes rock!

  34. annie says:

    Nooo! It looked fine!
    Yeah, what they said to peel the avocado. Sometimes the pit gets stuck and you have to whack the knife into it to pull it out. And yeah, I usually stick the spoon between the skin and flesh and that peels the whole thing right out.

    Cute shoes, though.

  35. Nina says:

    ripe avocados, fresh garlic (peeled) a little bit of minced onion, lemon juice, a dash of cayenne, salt, and that’s it. Away with the food processor – use a spoon and a shallow bowl and mash. No tomatoes, either.

  36. Sybil Law says:

    For the record: I HATE guacamole, anyway.
    But I would love to come over and help you try and make some, if we can drink a little… :)

  37. suz says:


    I am referring to the “fuck this shit” part. I really needed to hear that today! Oh, AND adopt it as my motto for at least the rest of the day..

  38. fornetti says:

    I do not believe this

  39. pocket queen says:

    but you were on the right track!! right type of avocadoes (I still don’t get the tomatoes, but anyway), only maybe they weren’t ripe enough… you know, there’s a saying were I come from: “men are like avocadoes, you can’t tell whether they are good at all by looking from the outside” =) oh, and hellohahanarf was right on with those instructions. Anyway, maybe guac it’s just not your type of thing to make.. like if I tried to make turkey stuffing, just not something we’re used to cooking… nevermind!

  40. akeorlando says:

    I love this post! When it comes down to it, forget all the other shit and go for the wine.

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