How Miss Britt Makes Guacamole: A Photo Essay

Step 1: Buy two avocados – despite the fact that someone has them falling into his house for free on a daily basis.

Store Bought Avocado


Step 2: Peel and Chop Avocado

This gets more interesting, I promise

Step 3: Realize that you are not going to smash this by hand, no matter what the recipe says

Wonder why food processor/blender is not processing, nor blending…

plugin

Heh.

Smash avocado and put in bowl.  As soon as you figure out how to get that attachment off again.

Step… uh… Next: Chop Garlic Clove (or is it, Clove of Garlic?)

Remember “chopping” is for pussies. (and silently kind of wish you’d paid more attention to Top Chef.)

garlic

Chop One Onion

Realize your camera is dead.  Damn batteries.  How can I be expected to cook in this environment?

nobatteries

Decide it is totally acceptable to make up lost time by processing onions instead of “chopping”.

Chop one tomato

tomato

Oh come on, you know where this is going…

We don't need no stinkin' KNIVES!!!

Add pureed shit remaining ingredients to other pureed shit avocado mixture.

tomatopuree

Add Salt

salt

- to taste

taste

Really wish they would have talked more about guacamole on Top Chef.

Add Lime.  With MAH BARE HANDS!!! Rawr

Think about tasting again.  Remember I rarely eat Guac and have no idea what it’s “supposed” to taste like.  Shit.

Serve.

Wish your family looked more excited.

Sink a little when your son announces he “doesn’t like this green stuff.”

Perk up when the two year old cheers “esh goood mom, esh goood!”

Realize two year old is eating strips of tortilla as she cheers and has not actually touched said “green stuff”.

Anyone want a jar of Guacamole?

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  1. usedtobeme says:

    I have that exact cutting board!!!!

    And the only difference between yours (guac) and mine, I don’t blend the tomatoes and onion, I leave them chunky and I add about 1/4 cup fresh chopped cilantro. Otherwise, mm mm good.

  2. AmyD says:

    Poor kids don’t know what they are missing out on! Although, we don’t puree ours. We rough chop them, and add roughly chopped tomato, onion and cilantro, (or just fresh pico de gallo which is roughly the same, but better because the flavors have blended) and then drizzle with lime juice. Kate started making guacamole when she was 4 – and she is soooo good at it.

  3. cindrarella says:

    I have never seen an avacado that looked like that. Where on earth do you live? It’s so…so…BIG. You done good. I would eat it. I don’t put ‘mater in mine and I DO squish it up with a fork, by hand…but still…three year old says ew and 15 year old says that it’s just wrong. Hubby and son love it…so…anyway…looks good to me. Pick me! send me the jar!javascript:moreSmiliesAappendSmiley(‘:wave:’)

  4. Kelley says:

    My kids get green shit (tm in this house) smooshed with some cumin and chilli powder and that is it. And they better bloody eat it.

    You are a good mommy.

    And garlic comes in those ‘clovey’ things? Who knew??????

  5. Mr. Fabulous says:

    You know…you can BUY guacamole. Are there no Publix Supermarkets where you live?

  6. Wicked H says:

    Am I the only one who noticed the wine rack is completely EMPTY???

    It’s making me twitch….. :martini:

  7. heather says:

    I have never in my life tasted guacamole. Never.

  8. avitable says:

    Did you actually peel the garlic and onion before you put it in?

    And pepper?

    I just know I’m going to have to eat this shit lovely stuff today, too.

  9. RW says:

    I’m a salsa guy myself. The garlic and onions looked good tho!

  10. Miss Britt says:

    usedtobeme: is your cutting board loud as fuck too when you actually USE it and make you kind of want to dig out the old not as pretty butcher block looking thing?

    AmyD: yeahhhh…. I’m thinking you guys may be on to something and rough chop is the way to go next time.

    DAMMIT!

    cindrarella: I live in Florida – avocados are not all this ginormous?

    Kelley: chilli powder? Would not have thought of that on my own!

    Mr. Fab: yes, but if you BUY IT you can not claim Domestic Diva Status. And I think that comes with some kind of tax credit or something.

    Wicked H: yeahhh… all the cool bottles got pitched before the move.

    Fear not – the full bottles are chilling in the fridge.

    heather: not even a little TASTE?

    avitable: of course I peeled them, jeeeeez.

    (you will eat it and you will LIKE IT!! fucker)

    RW: honestly, so am I. Maybe I’ll finally have to break down and learn to make homemade salsa now too.

  11. BOSSY says:

    Definitely – it’s times like that Bossy’s family announces they want the “real” version of what Bossy prepared, the one that comes packaged with the label.

  12. Karen says:

    I also make my guac in the processor. My family says it is too smooth (becasue “gauc is supposed be chunky”) – then I tell them to freaking make their own food once in while – or better yet, make me something. Then we fight and all end up in tears. Yeah, I don’t make guac often enough…

  13. NYCWD says:

    At least you tried to rock the guac… which is more than I would try.

    The International Foods aisle at Super Stop and Shop exists for just this reason.

  14. I swear you are one of the funniest people I know. I LOVE this post.

    I am aspiring to be just like you. Not sarcastic at all. I have lost my “edge” of funniness and sarcasm. I think it’s ’cause I blog at the buttcrack of dawn and with only 8 ounces of coffee in me.

    Anyway, this one cracked me the hell up.

  15. pnbzmom says:

    I buy Tostidos (sp) or Ortega or something like that. It is guac in a jar. I LOVE guac, but I am pretty picky about it. It is the first “jar’ guac I have ever liked!

    yours looks YUMMY!!

  16. My son saw the pictures of you making guac, and he said to me “you make it different”. How the hell he knows that, I do not know. But he was right.

    Hope you enjoyed it!!!

    :martini:

  17. Fogspinner says:

    :what: OMG the size of that avocado!! We never see them that size here.

    That is all.

    Little hint. GO to store, buy Pico De Giao (chopped onion, tomato, garlic, jalapeño and cilantro) Smash the avocado and add this with a little lemon or lime and serve!

  18. Mom says:

    Oh Britter I want some now.

    Hint for Christmas present you wouldn’t have to transport or mail to Iowa – Guac like this WITH tortilla chips. Mission brand please.

    YOU ROCK!!!

  19. Guac?? I am with the kids on this….but is does look good BEFORE it’s all blended MUSH!
    Love ya

  20. AmyD says:

    I’ll have Mike send you his recipe for salsa and pico de gallo (forgot about the jalepenos) – he puts his own pico de gallo in the guac usually.

    :cheesy:

  21. Cary says:

    That is hysterical: (and I linked you in the comments at http://www.thepioneerwomancooks.com/ her cooking photo essays are fun too. Hope that’s OK!

  22. QofD says:

    Mmmmmm… guacamole. But I have to say, I’ve never seen that kind of avocado. The ones around here are black and wrinkly-skinned. Am I missing something? Done too many drugs? Can you come out to California and demonstrate your mad guacamole-making skills? Would it be creepy if, after you demonstrated them, I picked up the bowl and drank this nectar of the gods?

  23. NotaGranny says:

    LUV Guac!! You can also try adding a little bit of sour cream to make it creamy. If you don’t puree the avocados.

    I’ll take a jar!! (without the garlic skins please)

  24. hellohahanarf says:

    my friends from mexico have that little stone mortar and pestle thingy. works great for making guac. then you don’t get green soup, you get the chunks and mush. love it! we have a little mexican joint that sells them here in pittsburgh. actually a few places. iffin you email me your address i’ll send one down. or i could send it to avi’s address and he could play mailman for you.

    wait, would that give the asshat more ammo to say that you were gonna fall into your boss’ arms for comfort? (i’m still pissed at that comment for you)

  25. hellohahanarf says:

    oh…i forgot to agree that avocados i’ve seen have never been so large and smooth and green. they are all small and wrinkley and dark, dark green.

    can you mail me an avocado?!??!?

  26. Miss Britt says:

    BOSSY: if Betty Crocker were alive, I’m fairly confident my children would have stoned her by now.

    Karen: I am just the world’s worst chopper!!!!

    NYCWD: I did actually look there first… shhhh, our little secret.

    The Absurdist: really? I am now re-reading to find this ‘edge’ of which you speak…

    pnbzmom: thank God I have pictures – which will hopefully outlive the reviews.

    themuttprincess: please send pictures of how it should be done. Seriously.

    Fogspinner: Pico de wha??

    People – i is WHITE!

    Mom: oh because the gift of ME isn’t enough for you anymore hmmmmmm?

    Kristin: ptpthtpththt to you!! lol

    AmyD: so I have to MAKE the ingredients to MAKE the guac?

    This why I don’t do domestic diva.

    QofD: I have been told that these are a rarity or something here. Apparently MOST people do use the little black ones.

    NotaGranny: there are not (hardly any) garlic skins!!!

    hellohahanarf: I have no idea what you’re talking about. But it sounds cool. And authentic!

    and is it legal to mail avocados across state lines??

  27. DeannaBanana says:

    I, too, thought that you hadnt peeled the garlic. Sorry..

    How was it though, didja like it?

    Remind me to make some for you.

  28. Y2K says:

    Yeah I was way concerned about you eating those green avacados, won’t they give ya a tummy ache?

    Our first experiment with Guac was a recipie in TV guide that was called easy Guac in a blender. I also got greene avacados, placed them in the blender and they were lke rocks and would not chop. Daring and brave soul that I am, I decided to pop the lid off and try forcing the meat of the fruit (nut?) into the rotating teeth. And THAT is why we ended up with a fuggin spoon handle sticking out of our green splattered ceiling.

    p.s. The coup de gras of “Don’t worry, I’m OK” does not go over very well in Mrs. Y2K’s kitchen.

  29. annie says:

    Free avacados falling on a roof? Sounds like Heaven, yum!
    I prefer my guac more mashed than pureed.
    You could “Pulse” (on-off-on-off, real quick, you know?) each ingredient separately and remove to a bowl, so it’s still kinda chunky.
    Needs red hot chili peppers and cilantro, also.
    You’re welcome.

  30. Fogspinner says:

    :surrender: I never claimed to be able to spell… even with spell check.

  31. Miss Britt says:

    DeannaBanana: remind me to pass of what you make for me as my own.

    Y2K: I’m pretty sure that’s what these avocados are supposed to look like…

    annie: lol, thank you!

    Fogspinner: sometimes that little red line is so faint!

    P.S. I have no idea what you misspelled. No worries.

  32. Miss Britt says:

    Cary: I have no idea what happened to your comment – but I got it by email.

    Links are ALWAYS welcomed!! :-D

  33. Tug says:

    All I’ve got to say is YAY for you for even trying it. I’m more a salsa person, too. Had a friend making her homemade salsa that I LOVE, & I asked her what power tool she was using…

    it was a food processor.

    Grandma’s don’t do domestic diva shit – I was always a hand-chopper. :dazed:

  34. That was the cleanest junk drawer I’ve ever seen; I’ll chalk it up to the fact that you just moved. (I have two junk drawers, and there’s no telling how many my hubby has.)

  35. Sarcastica says:

    It looks…tasty. But I’m uh, full. Yup. Too much turkey for me…I’ll have to pass… :help:

  36. Usedtobeme says:

    My cutting board is in fact so freaking noisy, that it now sits permanently next to my stove so I can sit hot, dripping spoons/spatulas on it and I use the old dilapidated one for the actual chopping.

  37. Miss Britt says:

    Tug: eh, you never know if you don’t try, right? ;-)

    Tense Teacher: yeah… blame it more on the fact that my old kitchen had like 10,000 drawers and my new one has 5. So I have to be more “careful”.

    Sarcastica: no dessert for you!!!

    Usedtobeme: I think my old one got thrown in the movie – but it definitely needs to be replaced.

  38. Sarcastica says:

    Should I be disappointed about this, or is the dessert green too? LOL :angel:

  39. DutchBitch says:

    Holy shit woman! That looks like it took about 2 months to whip up! Hope it was worth it!

  40. I don’t know why, but I found this immensely entertaining. Especially when you said “rawr.”

  41. Miss Britt says:

    Dutchy: well, it would have without a food processor! LOL

    Rich: watching me try to be domestic is usually entertaining! Martha I am not.

  42. steen says:

    Amigo’s makes great tableside guacamole.

    Mmm. Some guac and margaritas would be fabulous…

  43. mreina says:

    ok.. gotta be the (latina) voice here.. for the original recipe.. don’t know where you got that recipe guac has tomatoes in it, i’ve never seen that. Completely different from the guatemalan version: just mashed avocado, lime, onion, salt and OREGANO!! =) that’s the whole flavor of guacamole. However, hon, those aren’t the best avocadoes for guac.. but i don’t think you get the softer varities that make real smooth guac (the ones with a dark rough peel and soft creamy green stuff). Oh, and avitable makes a point.. peeled! jaja. Anyway, loved your post! i still can’t believe recipes are sooo different

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