Sometimes I think God hates me.

My daughter, who is currently the Terrible Twos personified, speaks a language all her own.  A language that is rarely understood and commonly compared to Ancient Sumerian.  While this can be frustrating when trying to discern what in the hell she wants, it comes in handy on rare occasions.

Take, for example, when I find myself hauling her and her seven year old brother to church here in Florida for the first time.  Alone.

The fact that she is obsessed with my boobs lately and spent the entire Liturgy of The Word trying desperately to grope me went almost completely unnoticed.  I’m pretty sure.  Her gleeful cries of “Emma’s, Emma’s, niiice, boobies?” could easily be confused for “Father, Son, Holy Spirit please bless us as we worship You here today.”

Likewise, her relentless insistence that she needed to go “Potty, Potty, POTTTTEEE!!!” (never mind that I had already taken her twice, with no results, and that this is simply the latest in her arsenal of ways to explore new surroundings and avoid non-fun situations) failed to illicit even the slightest snicker from my fellow Catholics.  I’m quite certain that the untrained ear could just as easily assume she was repeating the Lord’s Prayer.  Possibly in Latin.

Of course, sometimes she surprises me.  Like yesterday, when the gifts were brought up and the entire congregation fell quiet as we sat in reverence during the consecration of the Host.  This is always my favorite part of Mass, and not even a squirmy two year old on my lap can take away from the awesomeness I always feel at this point.  Usually.

Until I feel the squirming two year old start farting on my lap.  And I know right then and there, the spell is about to be broken.  I lovingly held her closer and attempted to smother her head into my shoulder.  But, alas, my efforts were in vain.

True to form, Emma threw back her head and let out a heart laugh of self satisfaction, before she belted out the ONE phrase she is capable of speaking with absolute clarity.

“Ohhhhh MOM!  I FARTED!  Emma FAAAAARRRRTED!” she squealed before collapsing into giggles.

“Emma, shhhh, shhhh, church voice, church voice, let’s whisper,” I hissed at her.

“Hee Heee, FARTS!  Emma FARTS!  YOU fart and Emma farts! Hee hee hee”.

I can’t understand why no one stopped to welcome the new family to the parish.

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  1. avitable says:

    I learned as a child that if you fart while sitting on a wooden bench, it reverberates very loudly and even takes on an echo.

    Maybe next time you should try 7:30 Mass and let Jared take the Gaseous Wonder.

  2. Adrian says:

    Well it could have been worse, I thought you were going to say that she peed on you!

  3. t says:

    you shouldn’t talk about farting in church? oops.

  4. Amber says:

    That was absolutely freakin’ hilarious.

    I’m sure you didn’t think so… but trust me. It’s stories like these that help me smack the the snooze button on my biological clock without guilt. If I had kids of my own, everyone would, no doubt, be laughing at ME.

    If it’s any consolation… Emma sounds like she’s got spirit and a sense of humor. Obviously, she is just like YOU. Which, I’m not sure will invoke loads of fear or a sense of excited expectation for the Rings Of Fire she is sure to make you jump through.

    Hee hee hee.

    At least it will be fun for all of us Readers :).

    By the way, I’m a total lurker. But since this had me cracking up and wiping the tears from my eyes… at your expense… I figured I should at least give your morale a boost by increasing your comments number?

    LOVE your blog. Love it!

  5. Awesome. Although, I was afraid that farts might be accompanied, as it were, by solids.

  6. Kids always know the wrong time to do something. They have a honing device that just seems to tell them when they should do something inappropriate.

    I love when it is someone else’s kid……..
    It is A LOT funnier!!!

  7. hellohahanarf says:

    they didn’t stop to introduce themselves probably because they figured you were embarrassed by your little darling’s outburst. yeah, that’s the ticket…

  8. ADW says:

    Um yeah. I would have been rolling in the aisles. Maybe even egging her on a little bit. And what do you mean no one welcomed you? WTF?

  9. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: what makes you think if I went at 7:30 Jared would be there?

    Adrian: no… not this time

    t: well, you certainly should holler it as loudly as you can.

    Amber::blush: well thank you, and thanks for the comment!

    not fainthearted: no no, that she won’t do with anyone anywhere NEAR her.

    themuttprincess: my friend Erin and I will call each other and say “Oh my God, your kid did the funniest thing”, which is immediately clarified by “funny because it was FUNNY, or funny because he isn’t YOURS?”

    hello: or, because they didn’t think I was maybe… LOL

    ADW: OK, so that’s strange then? yes?

    I thought maybe that was just a small town thing…

  10. avitable says:

    Because you’d make him??

  11. Lynda says:

    Maybe this is God’s way of saying this isn’t the right church for you. LOL

  12. DutchBitch says:

    Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!! :thumbsup:

    Totally fucking hilarious!

    I wonder why nobody welcomed you, indeed… Seriously!!!

  13. Mom says:

    Runs in the family, honey. Or have you forgotten your adored BABY brother and his antics in church – including whipping out his squirt gun and pointing it at the priest the first time he was offerred Communion?

    Did you block that out?

    I freaking MISS YOU!

  14. Mr. Fabulous says:

    So, what I am hearing is, if I go to church with you I can paw your boobies?

  15. Turnbaby says:

    LOLOL

    Yup—I sooooooo remember cutting up in Church. And the quieter you were supposed to be the more you wanted to giggle–and that would shake the whole pew.

    Thanks for the memories.

  16. Brandi says:

    Oh freakin’ wow. Farting in church and laughing about it is bad enough, but right on your lap. That’s pretty ewwy. One of those things about parenting that I’m willing to wait for.

  17. Hilarious.

    I don’t remember telling the priest to shut up quite loudly and clearly in mid-sermon, but mom assured me many, many times over many, many years that I did so.

    Man, I wish I could remember it.

  18. AmyD says:

    Are you SURE her room should be done in Princess motif? Perhaps it should be done in that Happy Bunny from Hot Topic instead.

    That does seem more Emma’s speed.

    Mike said he’d adopt her if you want to get rid of her, he laughed so hard at this post I thought he might cry. :help:

  19. Mrs RW says:

    Britt, you are SO missing the silver lining here. Emma could’ve have chosen to say a DIFFERENT 4-letter word instead of “fart”. You’d be going to Mass at a different church every week

  20. QofD says:

    I feel for you. I really do. But I can’t help but laugh.

    I used to have a friend who was bilingual and during the hymns he would replace the real words with a very naughty Spanish equivalent. Mass hasn’t been the same since.

  21. geek says:

    Thats awesome. I would have ended up laughing as well. Come to think of it, we never got welcomed as a new family either.

  22. Miss Britt says:

    avitable: pfft – my ability to “make” him do anything seems to be severely affected by the heat

    Lynda: I don’t know… maybe you have to love a place where a two year old feels comfortable enough to laugh. :-)

    DutchBitch: I know, I’m so approachable!!

    Mom: I remember that being one of the few times you were embarassed

    Mr. Fab: as long as you do it quietly

    Turnbaby: I live to serve

    Brandi: oh honey, being farted on is pretty mild, I assure you.

    Joe: LOL, Emma always says “K, BYEEEE!!!!” every time he pauses to take a breath.

    AmyD: really? what flight should I put her on?

    Mrs RW: I’d like to say she doesn’t know that word – but that’s just asking for trouble, LOL

    QofD: that’s ok, I laughed too. ;-)

    geek: yeah, I laughed – just more QUIETLY I think.

  23. Poppy says:

    I think this story is adorable. :heartbeat:

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