What. The Hell. Am I Thinking?

Saturday, July 14th, 2007

It’s midnight.  I just got done watching a movie with my husband, in a living room that I adore.  When the movie was finished we sat out back on our patio, the patio he and our friends and family built for his birthday last year.

I’ve been talking so much about the new house… I’ve forgotten how much I love this one.

This house.

This town.

These people that I’ve known for 15 years.

I know these people.  And this place.  And these rooms and this job and this church and these teachers and these neighbors…

I know this comfort that comes from… well… from knowing.  The ease and the security.  The strength that comes from knowing who you are, where you came from, and exactly where you fit in.  This. I. Know.

What I don’t know right now is…

What the hell am I getting ready to do?

  1. Sheila says:

    You’re moving forward and expanding your horizons. I understand your thoughts and emotions completely, though.

  2. Blue Momma says:

    It’s always sad to leave the familiar behind, but soon the new will be familiar also. We made our own 1100 mile move and it was the best thing we ever did. But leaving the shithole we lived in during college was still damn hard, because it was familiar. Not necessarily good, but familiar. We are back near home in AL now due to the kiddo, but have no regrets about the move – and I fucking miss Massachusetts every day.

  3. avitable says:

    Hey, RW.

    Bite your tongue! :violent018:

  4. DutchBitch says:

    I can imagine how you feel. I always thought that I wasn’t too stuck on a certain house or area until I got divorced and was forced to find a new place to live…

    Still, there’s nothing wrong with having fond memories of the “old” place and on the other hand starting a whole new adventure! Imagine what’s out there you haven’t experienced yet!!! :rock:

  5. Miss Ann Thrope says:

    I don't know. Not in a million (or for a million) would I uproot my family and move half way across the country.

    If you didn't have kids, I'd have a different opinion.

  6. Trish K says:

    Think of it as getting a chance to develop those relationships with new people in a new area. You still keep the ones you have there, you are just blessed to add more people to your “circle of life”.

    Plus, you get all of us wonderful Florida people to get to know and lord knows we is diffe’nt!!

  7. Miss Britt says:

    Sheila: moving forward, moving forward – I need to say that about a million times today I think!

    Blue Momma: my fear is ending up somewhere, and missing some place else – every fucking day

    DutchBitch: thanks chica!

    Trish K: that reminds me of that girl scout song – "make new friends, but keep the old… one is silver and the other gold".

    Anyone? Anyone? No? Ok.

    avitable: heh

    Wicked H: :heartbeat:

    RW: shuddup!!!

    avitable: do they sell alligator insurance too?

    Miss Ann Thrope: that's funny, because a large part of this move is FOR the kids.

  8. avitable says:

    What are you doing?

    You’re making it even more possible for your big goals and dreams to come true.

    You’re helping your kids gain exposure to an entirely new way of life.

    You’re making a huge step up in everything you do.

    You’re expanding your circle of friends to include those in Iowa and all of the new ones you’ll meet in Florida.

    You’re undergoing a huge upheaval that you’ve thought long and hard about and listened to both your rational side and your gut.

    You’re making it easier for me to see boobs.

  9. Wicked H says:

    For the love of God!

    You are moving closer to the land of SPAs.

    Stop your belly aching already.

    (Said entirely with love – you know that, right?)

  10. RW says:

    You’re getting ready to buy hurricane insurance?

  11. AmyD says:

    Every great decision that involves dramatic changes always comes with that “last minute” bout of cold feet. Marriage… pregnancy (usually in the delivery room)… buying a new house… moving.

    I know personally that you did NOT make this decision lightly nor did you make it without putting your children FIRST.

    Yes, it’s wonderful that your kids are growing up in small town America and learning all about what it is like to live in a non-diverse bubble.

    However, your children are exceptionally bright and intelligent and will gain FAR more from this move than if you kept them in their secluded, little, white-bread bubble. And, I know you KNOW this.

    Being a parent takes knowing that SOMETIMES sacrifices have to be made in order to truly benefit your children in the long run.

    Perhaps what certain commenters are not grasping here is that just because the bubble is all you have known does NOT mean that it is all you SHOULD know.

    And, I certainly hope that no one was implying you are doing this strictly for financial gain. God knows that the cost of living and your income right now where you are make you MORE than comfortable.

    I believe, firmly, that this move will be the best thing for your family and will only serve to make it stronger as it means you will have to move out of your comfort zone and rely more on each other on totally different levels.

    It’s a good thing. You’ve made an excellent decision. And, the people who know you best and want what is best for you – know this as well and that is why we support you.

  12. Miss Ann Thrope says:

    “small town America and learning all about what it is like to live in a non-diverse bubble. …secluded, little, white-bread bubble.”

    White bread posh neighbourhood $500,000 house Florida. Are they gonna be going to private school?

    Diversity is moving to Harlem, not moving to suburban Florida.

  13. avitable says:

    Central Florida is 50% minority, and the nice neighborhoods have a very high element of diversity, actually.

    And it’ll be all public schools, too.

  14. AmyD says:

    Quite frankly, compared to where the children live and attend school now – almost any place would be more diverse. And, seriously? Harlem? What other suggestions – central Los Angeles?

    There is a difference between diverse and drive-by shootings.

    Diversity does not necessarily = high crime rates and ghetto.

    Not to mention – the school the children will attend have far higher academic ratings the school they attend now.

    That’s a step up.

    It never fails to amaze me that when a parent makes sacrifices to provide something better for their children someone somewhere will always decide that they know better.

  15. Miss Ann Thrope says:

    I don’t recall saying I knew better. I said I wouldn’t do it.

    I like white bread bubbles.

  16. AmyD says:

    I’m sorry, but I seriously have a problem with someone who feels the need to air that sort of opinion when you know very well that the person in question has sold two houses and bought another.

    I don’t recall her asking for anyone’s opinion and to feel the need to say something so negative when someone is obviously fearing a major change (something that is completely normal), and knowing that this type of thing rates in the top 10 of the most stressful things a person can go through – is not just absurd, it’s not nice.

    “I don’t know. Not in a million (or for a million) would I uproot my family and move half way across the country.

    If you didn’t have kids, I’d have a different opinion.”

    THAT was uncalled for. Not only did you imply that she was doing it for money – but you implied that she didn’t give a shit about her kids.

    And, it might be very easy to cloak yourself under a “I was just calling a spade a spade…” veil but, quite frankly, it was unnecessary and completely counter-productive. I can’t imagine for a second that you didn’t know that. So, I can only assume that it was your intention. Which, of course, makes it all the more inexcusable, regardless of your affection for “white-bread bubbles.”

  17. Miss Ann Thrope says:

    The question was: “What am I doing?”

    I did not offer platitudes. However, I’m happy to do that.

    You’re moving across the country and will live in a really nice house. There will be hills and ocean and not so much corn. I liked MN when I lived there. I liked living in the middle of nowhere. I don’t like palmetto bugs and little lizards in my house.

    Not with kids=she doesn’t give a shit about her kids? I moved across country twice. I can’t even imagine doing it with kids. But then, I drove. I’m sure they’ll fly.

    Amy, maybe you’re too close to all of this. So much so you’re putting words in my mouth. And as far as I know, when this was first mentioned it involved a job, no?

    Whatever. I answered the question with a 1 paragraph + one sentence statement. I guess I should have just said “You’re making it even more possible for your big goals and dreams to come true.” Cuz platitudes are what everyone seems to want.

    One can hope it works out.

  18. Woman Lost says:

    ya know what??? No matter where you go, as long as you have your family and friends it will be home. Trust me on this one. Being surrounded by your children and hubby is TRULY what matters.

    And holy shit, I would be scared to death as well. It is a big change. But, you will be great.

  19. AmyD says:

    Britt said, “What the hell am I getting ready to do?”

    Your response was, “I don’t know…” (pretty nasty, certainly implying you felt she was making a less than sensible decision) “Not in a million (or for a million) would I uproot my family and move half way across the country…” (so, she’s doing this cruel thing to her family for the money because she is a greedy, selfish, bitch, is that the implication?)

    “If you didn’t have kids, I’d have a different opinion” (You were ASKED for your opinion? I think her final question was more rhetorical not sincerely asking anyone and everyone to explain to her what she was doing, Britt knows, better than anyone, what she has done, is doing, and is about to do. And, furthermore, since when does having children mean that you are shackled to whatever spot they were born on? Thank God the pilgrims, colonists, and other settlers didn’t feel the same way!!)

    The bottom line is that this comment did nothing more than attempt to undermine someone’s confidence in their decision and to inspire second thoughts as to the quality and ability of their parenting skills. Simply put, just not nice, in fact, rather mean spirited.

    Platitudes? So, you took it upon yourself to be the voice of negativity. What was your goal by saying any of this? To inspire her to rethink her decision? Why not just wish her the best and let it go? It has nothing to do with platitudes it has to do with, quite simply, if you don’t have anything nice to say – don’t say it at all.

    Am I too close? Really? No, I think I’m just one of the few people, aside from Adam, who knows what Britt has gone through to make this decision and now that she is basically committed and has gone too far to go back – I see NO point at ALL in saying something even remotely negative.

  20. Miss Britt says:

    OK – let me speak for myself here. (And let me be VERY clear that I am speaking for me, and allowing others to do the same.)

    #1 – this decision has already been made, after a lot of thought, lists, wondering, worrying, weighing, etc.

    There is, basically, no going back at this point. Because of that, the support that we get from friends and family when we have our inevitable freak outs is invaluable. The not as positive input that we get from time to time – from family, etc. – is a bit counterproductive and frustrating… but not wholly unexpected. When you do something like this that the majority of the population seldom does, you’re bound to hear the reasons why.

    #2 – Amy is most definitely close to this. Thank God. She has heard me daydream about moving away for years. She has listened to me freak out, cry, helped me plan the numbers, watched me flip flop back and forth.

    She knows the fears I have about being a good mother, and doing the right thing for my kids. She’s watched me get beat down when people close to me have suggested otherwise. She knows better than anyone the tight rope I walk between being able to provide the time and attention a kid deserves and being able to financially support them.

    Which brings me to my next point… what’s this, #3?

    This absolutely is, in part, a financial decision. And I am not ashamed of that. Money isn’t everything – but it sure as hell is a big fucking cog in the gears of life.

    I live in a shitastic job market. My husband spent two years at one point trying to find a decent paying job.

    Right now? We’re fine. More than fine. But we live each month knowing we’re one job loss away from shit. We have to keep 6 months of living expenses in liquid savings just to sleep at night – leaving little room for investing, growing, plannng for the future etc. etc. etc.

    That being said, we are not going to be living in a half a million dollar house – just for the record. And also, for the record, I fucking WISH. I am not opposed to living in $500,000 houses if one can afford it. :-)

    #4 – This is not just about leaving “white bread, small town America” and corn fields. We have a certain comfort zone here of knowing everyone and everything. Which is great. But the opportunities for ALL of us – especially my kids – are severely limited. The school here is constantly having to cut programs for “gifted” kids – leaving my son at a serious disadvantage.

    And you cannot even compare the diversity of Central Florida to all of Iowa. But let me try. The elementary school my son currently attends? 100% Non-Hispanic White. His new elementary school? 58% Non-Hispanic White (ie 42% something else).

    It’s not Harlem, or even NYC, but it is most definitely a difference.

    And also? We’re driving, actually.

    It surprises me to think that I may have, online, given off some kind of persona of a Suburbian Queen who spends money without a care and is just preparing to take a bigger chunk of the good life. Fuck, I can’t even be convinced to hire a moving company because I just can’t rationalize the extra expense. (and wtf is wrong with ME that I feel the need to explain that?!?!)

    The bottom line is – this blog is an outlet for me. And right now I am really, really sad thinking about the people that I love that I am leaving behind. Fuck I bawled through most of Mass this morning. I know this sadness is normal. I’ve been SAYING over and over again “i know it will be hard”. But saying it and starting to actually feel it are very, very different.

    But ultimately, I know all of the reasons that I’m moving. Shit, if I forget I have them written out in lists all over the house, right beside the “cons”.

    When I do post – whether it be funny, sad, happy or an annoying ass roller coaster of emotions, I keep the comments for a reason.

    Platitudes? Most definitely welcome. Sometimes it’s the best we can offer.

    An unpopular opinion? Or even a comment that could be seen as snide or down right shitty? You have that right too. In fact, there are times when THAT is the absolute best thing you can get.

    But don’t be surprised if someone else comments on that too. :-)

  21. AmyD says:

    No one could have said it better Miss B. It’s all going to be cool. You’ll get through this and come out shining on the other side.

    Oops, there I go heaping platitudes. My bad. :heartbeat:

  22. I was going to comment here, but instead I’ll just say “Yo.” and “Continuous congrats on the ongoing adventure. Way to face fear and pursue.”

    Wait. I guess that IS a comment.

  23. Just Me says:

    “I have something in my pocket, it belongs across my face…I keep very close to me in the most convenient place. I bet you couldn’t guess it, if you guessed a long long while…so I’ll take it out and put it on, its a great big brownie smile”

    Thats another with the “make new friends but keep the old bit”

    CONGRATS BRITT!

  24. Sheila says:

    I totally know that Girl Scout song too, btw. :wink:

  25. RW says:

    Ow. My ton huts…

  26. debkitty says:

    Moving somewhere new will allow you to reinvent who you are. THere is a lot of fun in people not knowing you and you not knowing the town, my crystal ball says you will be so very happy!

  27. Mom says:

    Children…..

    Darling, to know who one is and where one comes from is a wonderful thing. You have a terrific grounding in that.

    Part of knowing who you are is to accept that you are too big, too brightly colored, and too spectacular to be confined to one small place or role.

    You – and MY grandbabies – are born to thrive anywhere. YOU are your roots.

    You will be wonderful – and I will miss you. And it will give us plenty of drama fuel should we decide we need it on any given day. :crazy:

    You’re fine.

    And you girls? When Britt and her brothers were little I would make them hold hands for an hour, no matter what.

    They hated me. :thumbsup:

  28. Lynda says:

    I did it myself 8 years ago. I moved from California to Indiana, 2000 miles away from everyone.

    You are just expanding your horizons. People will understand. It isn’t like you won’t see them again.

  29. Poppy says:

    Britt, everything you said — awesome. It’s supposed to happen that you appreciate what you have right as you leave it behind. That way you get to take the good memories with you.

    Good luck moving everybody and everything down. Safe travels…

  30. msbatman says:

    Brit, you are moving with your husband and your children and you have friends waiting there that you know.

    A month ago, shortly after being diagnosed bipolar, I packed up my entire life, and moved with my two daughters, to a town only half a state away, for 2 reasons. 1. Provide a better life for my girls by moving away from their harassing father, and 2. Move closer to my then boyfriend, who promptly broke up with me.

    I can promise you this….you will be just fine after you move. If I can do it,you can too.

  31. usedtobeme says:

    Britt. I know what you are feeling. I did the same thing three years ago. I moved from a small(er) town in Utah to the 5th largest city in America. Talk about diversity and culture shock.

    I did it with two kids, four dogs and a husband who I wavered between wanting to hug and kiss and shoot with a crossbow.

    I had lists and lists and pros and cons coming out of my ass. The move was not my idea and I had to literally be convinced. The thought of leaving my home town scared the shit out of me. Not the leaving part, the unfamiliar new territory part. Leaving what I knew. The streets, back alleys, freeways, customs, and where to go to find what I needed. Leaving my friends (and even dysfunctional family) was hard too.

    BUT. And that is a big but (not to be confused with my big butt), my main consideration for moving included my future income possibilities (I made all I was going to make in Utah), the chance to go to law school, and, most important to me, the opportunities for my children. In Utah, I don’t care who you are, if you are not Mormon, you are excluded. If you are not Mormon, there are kids who aren’t allowed to play with your kids. If you are a woman with career goals, you will have to work twice as hard to reach them. I didn’t want that for my daughters. I want them to have the whole world at their feet. I want to introduce them to new things and cultures and diversity. I want them to have a better education. Make more money. Be all they can be. And the only way that was going to happen was to move. Once I accepted that, the rest came along.

    Not smoothly. Not easily. And, I will not say that I would ever do it again. But I did and it was a life changing experience (both good and bad) and here I am.

    I cried and cried and cried. I thought about going back. But now, this is my home. (Unless I win the lottery). This is where my children will graduate high school and this is where my life is now. Truth be told, we’re all better for it.

    sorry for the novel length post)

  32. Meagan says:

    um…yea, good luck :)

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