V is for Vagina: An Owner’s Manual

“Holy shit.  Did I forget to take out that last tampon?”

The phrase that strikes fear into the heart of any woman who has ever been so bored she actually read all of the literature that comes with the box of Tampax.  You know, the pages and pages about how TSS is really bad and can actually KILL you.  Because being a woman doesn’t already suck bad enough at that time of the month.

ANYway, I digress.  Back to the point – me having total freak out moment of “holy shit did I forget to take a tampon out?”

I, of course, do what any woman does at that point.  I go to the bathroom and check.  Nothing.  Nada.  No string or nothing. (OMG I can’t believe I just mentioned the string.  But then, this story is going to get way worse than string.  You’ve been warned.)

Whew.  Ok.  I didn’t forget.  Or… did I?

I am suddenly filled with fear as I remember all of the horror stories I have heard about women who have “lost” tampons.  Ya know, in there.  Like… wayyyyy in there.  And do you know how they find out eventually that it was lost in there?  Do you??  The odor.  That’s how. (I told you this was going to get worse)

Insert complete and total freak out.  Oh my God what if I didn’t just forget it, I LOST it.  I KNOW I remember using one and I KNOW I did not take it out.  I KNOW.  Oh dear God please I cannot have The Odor!  Or The Shock!  Or The Death By Impaled Tampon!  But especially The Odor!

I think this was the point where my husband heard me whimpering in the bathroom.  Either that or he noticed it was taking a while and was getting tired of listening to my unattended IM window ding, ding, ding.  Regardless, he came to investigate.

“Baby?  Are you ok?”

Fuck.  I instinctively knew that whatever happened over the next few minutes, my sex life was going to suffer permanent damage.

“Um, well, heh, I… uh… I think I lost a tampon.  Like, lost it lost it.”

“Do you need help?” God bless his soul the man didn’t skip a beat, eager little beaver that he is.

“Hell no I don’t need help!  Just bring me my purse.” He looks confused, and is apparently determined to stay put unless an explanation is offered, “I have a mirror in my purse.  Bring me my damn purse.  Please.  Honey.”

I know I heard that fucker chuckle as he walked away to retrieve my purse.

“Here you go babe, are you sure you don’t need help?”

“Honey, I can handle this, thank you” and will you please God just go and leave me in peace with my little bit of dignity.

He leaves and I am alone with my magical compact.  As I opened it I can’t help but think about all those feminist groups that advocate getting to “know yourself better” and embracing “your beautiful body, vagina and all”.  And for the very first time in my life I am actually wishing I would have listened to those crazy bitches.

Because honestly?  I have absolutely no idea what I’m looking for.

I mean, I’m looking in the mirror thinking “well, yeah, that’s a vagina I guess.”  But I was absolutely horrified to realize that I had no fucking clue if it looked like it was supposed to.  I couldn’t tell if there was anything extra, or missing, or slightly out of place.  I am just not that god damned in touch with my vagina!!!


“Yes baby?  Do you need help?”

“Well.. it’s just…. Oh My God Jared I have no idea what I’m looking for!!!  Is this right?  I mean, you’ve seen it.  Look at it.  Do you see anything there that isn’t supposed to be there?!”

How in the hell he didn’t break down into laughter, or utter horror, right then and there I do not know.  And what happened next I just cannot bear to explain in graphic step by step detail

All I can say is… there was much poking.  And prodding.  And I think some pulling.  And I remember very clearly thinking “dear God why doesn’t this hurt more? surely this should HURT!” and “Oh my God I am going to break my vagina!”  And at one point he looked away and did this “blind man’s bluff” thing and explained “listen I just have to feel, ok?  i know what i’m FEELING for, not what I’m LOOKING for”.  And I believe at some point he may have chastised me a little and explained that if I had only been less resistant to more sex with more lights on he would probably be better prepared for just such a situation as this.

And isn’t that just like a man to bring up sex at a time like this?  Pfft.

ANYway, long story short – we found nothing.  Either of us.  Despite, as my husband pointing out, feeling “around in there a lot”.  Which left me feeling a little alot like a deep dark cave.

I came out of the bathroom feeling more than a little defeated.  And horrified.  And humiliated.  And seriously concerned because maybe despite all the “looking around in there”, there was still something there that we just couldn’t FIND. Me being a deep dark cave and all.

Naturally, I turned to the Internet for salvation.  I began looking up everything I could find on “lost tampons”.  And oh boy was there alot to find.  More about The Odor.  And digging.  And swiping.  And circling.  And using two fingers to “trap” a wayward tampon.

In short, the internet failed me.  Seriously.

So, naturally, I called my mother.  My mom is a nurse.  And I assumed she would get in her car and coming rushing over to help me once she heard the panic in my voice.

“Mom! Mom!  What are you doing right now?  Oh my god MOMMY I THINK I BROKE MY VAGINA!”

“What?  Who is this?  I told you people to stop calling me!”

“Mom, no! It’s ME!  I don’t know if I lost a tampon or not.”

“Well, sweetie, you’re going to have to feel around…”

“We DID!  We HAVE!  Mom we have poked and prodded and pushed and pulled and we have FELT I swear we have FELT!!  And I’m not sure what the hell I am feeling for!  Why did you never tell me I should be looking at my crotch in a mirror before NOW?!?!”

“We?  He is helping you?” I can hear the bitch laughing.

Apparently so can my husband, and he tries (again) to help. “Ask her if we have sex if I’ll be able to tell”

“What the fuck? Sex?  Are you KIDDING ME?  You want to have SEX with me?!?!”

“Honey, tell him that won’t help.  Listen, if there was something there you would know.  You would have found it by now, I’m sure.  And it would come out fairly easily.  Especially with all that digging around in there.” (why does everyone keep using that phrase??!)

Thank God my mother’s phone died and I was left to ponder the injustice of it all on my own with no more absolutely useless advice.  Or unnecessary giggling.  Or having to listen to her tell my brother “yes, I’m talking to your sister, no, her vagina is going to be fine, yes, her vagina….”

Left with no other recourse and absolutely no energy left, I decided to call off the search party and head to bed.  And as I lay there in the dark all I could think of was that damn Internet.

And how they tried to describe what you would be “feeling for”.  According to the Internet, a vagina is kind of like a “tube sock” with a “hard donut at the top where your cervix is”.

The lost/not lost tampon was forgotten.  My vagina had not felt like a tube sock.  In fact, it had not felt like a super smooth tube at all really.  It had felt like there was… dare I say… a “roll” in there or something.

Holy fuck, I thought, I have a fat vagina!

I have a fucking fat roll IN MY CROTCH!!

Three weeks of bad eating and this is what I get.  It goes straight to your fucking hips my ASS!!  Why doesn’t anyone ever tell you that french fries go straight to your BIG FAT VAGINA!!!!!!

And that, my friend, was the low point for me.  When you realize that you may have broken your own vagina, and that you may have lost a tampon but you won’t know for a few days when The Odor rears it’s ugly head, and that even if you didn’t break it you still are left with a big fat fattie mcfatty vagina?  I am telling you, you just don’t get any lower than that.

Thankfully, at some point, I realized that it just made sense that there had to be some…er… folds in there.  I mean, when you take into consideration the whole idea of child birth and blah blah blah – it has to be like an accordion in there, kinda, right?  (right. My mom the nurse did tell me that was right.  thank God)

I also realized that after all of that “looking around in there”, it was very improbable that I had actually lost anything that would not have been found.

And also?  Should anything truly horrific and shameful ever happen to you?  You should immediately run to your blog and start writing up the longest post in the world.

Because shame and pride are seriously overrated anyway.  Right?

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  1. Maria says:

    You are a brave woman on so many levels.

    And you right one hell of tale.:mrgreen:

  2. Championable says:

    "“Holy shit. Did I forget to take out that last tampon?”"

    I have had this EXACT thought SO many times.

    (Also, it's going to take me about 10 years to fully process and assimilate this post. I'm pretty sure it's one of those rare things that falls under "brand new data."

  3. Denise says:

    My gawd woman! How large is your damn vagina that you AND your husband cant decide if there's a foreign object in there? :shock:

    My monitor/keyboard is going to be ruined before the day is over. First Avi wrote about wearing Amy's thong and now this. Coffee everywhere. Damn.

  4. RW says:

    It's raining here this morning. Did you see the news? How's the weather by you. Jesus.

  5. DutchBitch says:

    O.M.F.G. you totally cracked me up! Now I can't think of anything else anymore today…

    Still, we all go thru shit like that at some point, don't we? Don't we?

  6. avitable says:

    This will be a wonderful story that you can tell your daughter someday when she calls you all panicked for the exact same reason.

    Maybe you should go on a lecture tour: "Flesh or Foreign Object – you decide"

  7. jester says:

    With all the talk about anal sex happening at my site, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find all the vagina speak over here.

    Oh, by the way… while you were feeling around in that giant cavern, did you happen to find my car keys?

    I can't find them anywhere.

  8. Miss Britt says:

    Maria: brave or shameless, lol

    Championable: just don't send me the therapy bills, please.

    Denise: fuck off Denise. Fuck. Off! lol

    RW: ah Bob, it's finally all dried up here :cool:

    DutchBitch: I hope so – I mean, that only seems fair, right? Right?!?

    avitable: i am still disappointed you one upped the Vag story today. So you hush.

    jester: LMAO – I did tell my husband at one point "fucking A I feel like I've lost my damn car keys or something!"

    Kristin: yeah, I'm pretty sure this marks a new… um… level, for our relationship.

  9. Denise says:

    Aw….but I love you and your big old vagina. :roll:

  10. avitable says:

    I did not upstage you! "Indiana Britt and the Raiders of the Lost Tampon" is a much better story.

  11. Miss Britt says:

    Denise: whore!!! dirty WHORE!!!! :lol:

    avitable: OMG you are just too cute – I wasn't really like pissed! But, I will take a pity link any day of the week! :mrgreen:

    BTW – going to be at work an almost FULLLLL day today, so, ya know… if you get bored…

    Paticus: whew, it's good to know it's not just me!

  12. Donna says:

    Oh my! This is one of the reasons why tampons terrify me. Sorry, but I had a great cackle at your expense, but I do feel your pain!

  13. You have the best husband I've ever heard of!

    Truly- never lose him!

  14. *Three weeks of bad eating and this is what I get. It goes straight to your fucking hips my ASS!! Why doesn’t anyone ever tell you that french fries go straight to your BIG FAT VAGINA!!!!!!*

    OMG I read that outloud here at work, and (all men) thought it was as damn funny as I did.

    I tell you what, next time I want McyD's I will certainly think about how it will affect my vaginia.

  15. Poppy says:

    Britt, you have the best husband ever. If I told Hay that I lost a tampon inside myself I'd be lucky if he said "good luck" while he was running away. :grin:

  16. ADW says:

    OK – that is something that I think we have all gone through at one time or another.

    I really understand and sympathize with the digging aroung in there. Afterwards, you feel very weird and I never want to be that close to my vagina ever again.

    I never asked the man to help with the search though. I am sure that he would have tried to turn it into sex as well.

  17. J. says:

    Oh. My. SHIT!!!!

    Buahahahahahahaaaaaa …

    There's nobody like you Brit. Seriously. :mrgreen:

  18. webmiztris says:

    one time I accidentally stuck a new tampon in before taking the old one out. so it pushed the old one way up inside. yeah, rectifying that situation was a fucking picnic, let me tell ya.

  19. AmyD says:

    And you say I'm brave? Brilliant!! Hilarious… I think I hurt myself reading this (again).

    Between you and Avi the visuals today are just stunning! And not in a good way.

    Great job!

  20. jennyryan says:

    I'm pretty sure this is the best thing you've ever written-I LOVE this post!!!!

    I think I'm going to print this post out and put it up on the wall of my office to give me something to aspire to in my own blogging efforts :)

  21. "And do you know how they find out eventually that it was lost in there? Do you?? "

    Ummm….. they cough it up at the dinner table??

  22. Fogspinner says:

    Tears. Rolling.Down.Cheeks.

    That was too funny. I could totally picture the scene.

    I'd say you safely topped Avi's Thong.

  23. greg t says:

    I am very familiar with my wife's Vagina. I help her down there whenever possible…

  24. Mist 1 says:

    That's worse than the hunt for the missing condom.

  25. Denise says:

    :roll: And your point is?

  26. Kristin says:

    LMAO, I can just picture the two of you in the bathroom searching! OMG! You know as much in love as Dave and I are, I am pretty much sure that he would NEVER ask if I needed help with something like this!

  27. [...] PEEE ESSS: If you think this is painful, you haven't seen anything yet. Go check out Britt's post about spelunking in her vagina! [...]

  28. Joefish says:

    If real life was more like Dungeons and Dragons, you would have a Cavernous Vagina of Misplacement +2.

  29. Paticus says:

    My wife loses things up there all the time, we usually go out for a night of swing dancing, and that usually works things out.

  30. avitable says:


    Joe, that's awesome.

  31. NYC Watchdog says:


    I wonder what kind of Saving Throw you'd need to make to not be misplaced on that one…

  32. Joefish says:

    Dawg: Save vs. Trap, of course.

  33. Sheila says:

    The fact that the boys are turning your experiance into a D&D game kind of freaks me out… ;)

  34. Doo Dah says:

    Oh. My. Freekin. GAWD.

    MissBritt, how you can put into words what many of us women have felt at least ONCE in our adult life, is amazing. You have won the Golden Wet Doo’s Panties Laffing award today . . .

  35. Joefish says:

    When my sister was little she and I used to watch Fraggle Rock on HBO. She was a lot more into the show than I was, but I thought it was cute and I liked it.

    That show was fun. You know how the Doozers were always building stuff and the Fraggles were always eating the things the Doozers built? There was one episode were one of the Fraggles convinced the others that it was wrong to constantly destroy the results of the Doozers’ labor. The Fraggles stopped eating the Doozer stuff, thinking they were doing the Doozers a favor. But the Doozers were sad. They don’t want the buildings. They like the process of building. When the Fraggles stopped eating their creations, the Doozers ran out of space to build.

    Do you remember Travelin’ Matt? Or how about The Great Trash Heap?

    That show was cool. Do you remember what they called the abyss on that show? “The deep, deep, dark, dark, deep, dark pit.”


    I’m not sure why I started thinking about Fraggles today.

  36. avitable says:

    Fogspinner, I’m hurt! She can’t top me!

    Greg T, you’re definitely a creepy motherfucker.

  37. Miss Britt says:

    Donna: i’m not sure what is worse – having to take the chance of THIS… or walking around in something that feels like a wet diaper.

    Princess of the Universe: I know, poor bastard

    themuttprincess: thank you, it’s good to know I’m making a difference in the world

    Poppy:Yeah, well, he’s a helper, what can I say? :mrgreen:

    Doo Dah: SWEET! does that come with a plaque or something?? How about a sash?

    ADW: ah, womanhood – so gloriously glamorous, isn’t it?

    J.: so what your saying is most women have skinny vaginas?

    webmiztris: I know, why the hell don’t they tell you about this shit when you sign up to be a chic??

    AmyD: honey, what you posted today was WAYYY more brave than anything I’ve ever written here.

    Joefish: ah I loved the Fraggles. The abyss can be a very scary thing!

    jennyryan: will you black out my name please? :oops:

    Joe the Troll: I’m going to send you an anatomy book. With the dictionary. :twisted:

    Fogspinner: HA! Triumphantly – HA!!

    (er, uh, I mean – thank you!!)

    greg t: I think your wife should blog

    avitable: down boy :smile:

  38. NYC Watchdog says:

    I just want you to know that I am quite proud of you.

    At least it was something that technically belongs there… and not a squash or something.

  39. jennyryan says:

    Don't worry-I work for myself, at home, just me and the three cats-and they can't read :P

  40. chatty says:

    I had this vision of your husband wearing a helmet with a light attached….my husband would have thanked God every day just for the opportunity to play doctor. LOL :)

  41. jane says:

    I knew someone who did forget her tampon & her husband had to use a flashlight to find it.

    And I'd tell ya about the potato, but…

  42. Rhys says:

    Hahahaha!!!!!!!! No, I feel your pain and sympathize, really. I go through that same freakout every damn month. You think I'd learn to start keeping a chart of tampon insertions/removals, but no, I just go blank and freak instead.

    Also, I mis-type your site address every time and that damn fishing thing comes up, and I always for a split second think it's some sort of joke post or strange adventure you went on, until I remember. Oh, yeah. It's sort of like the tampon thing.

  43. Miss Britt says:

    NYC Watchdog: ROTFLMAO… awww… thanks!! LOL

    Mist 1: OMG I can't even imagine, thank God

    <bJoefish & Avi & Dawg: :shock:

    Sheila: you and me both! i mean come on, a girl has to have a LITTLE dignity!

    jennyryan: cats are always giving me funny looks anyway…

    chatty: I know, it's like Vagina Spelunking or something


    Rhys: I start charts for everything. Problem is I never fill them out…

  44. [...] Miss Britt and her vagina. [...]

  45. Michael says:


    Ok, so now you need an emergency kit in the bathroom in case this happens again:

    One of those dentist mirrors on a stick.

    Flashlight you wear on your head (to help the hubby look).

    A detailed diagram of your vagina with a bulleted list of what should be there and what shouldn't.

    A large block of wood to tie to the end of the tampon string to prevent future loss?

  46. Sheila says:

    Yes, dignity is the word I would use here… ;)

  47. Joefish says:

    What, no love for my comment, Britt?

  48. Mr. Fabulous says:

    What time of the month?

  49. Sam says:

    Been reading your blog for a few days now, but not left a comment so far. This post, however, could not go unanswered! I think I cracked a rib. sorry for laughing at your plight – tee hee!!

  50. Championable says:

    Dude. Holy shit. I initially came by to leave a goofy-ass comment like: "I just came by because I had to prove whether this post was actually real, or the result of some weird break-from-reality I had" or something like that… and then I noticed how many comments each of your posts is getting.

    Weren't you *just* asking for an adoring flock? It looks like you got that wish, my friend.

    Rock on.

  51. Miss Misery says:

    Haha, lol I think I nearly peed my pants. Wow Britt, thats some story you have here lmfao.:lol:

  52. I'm laughing so hard, but at the same time, feel your pain!

  53. tiiana says:

    My kids are looking at me like I'm a damn fool right now. Sorry for laughing, but that was funny as all hell. But I know your fear fore I have thought I lost one up there one time and went digging for it myself since there was no way I was inviting my ex over to do it and my mother would have told my ass to go to the emergency room.

  54. Miss Britt says:

    Michael: I think the diagram would be most helpful, thanks!!

    Sheila: and it's used so little here, lol

    Joefish: to be honest, I'm just so freaking clueless when it comes to that crap – I don't even have enough knowledge to be witty

    Mr. Fabulous: why is that question worse than this entire post?

    Sam: laugh away! that's why it's here! lol

    Championable: :mrgreen: how cool, right?

    Miss Misery: why is a blog the only place where someone says "i think i pissed myself" and we go "oh wow, thanks!!!"

    Heartless Lass: *cring* sorry, the word "feel" still makes me a little sensitive

    tiiana: the Emergency Room was definitely on the table – not for ME of course, because there was no damn WAY I was agreeing to that.

  55. I swore to myself (and my husband) that I would never discuss my own vagina online (I can, of course, discuss the vaginas of others, not that I do this with any frequency.)

    But rules are made to be broken, so here goes: Me and my vagina know the horror of which you speak. We know it too, too well. And so we shudder along with you.

  56. Loon says:

    :shock: This is why I stick with Pads. :???: I hate the "bulky" feel of them, but I know that YOUR experience, would be my experience if I ever switched to tampons.

    My parents never talked to me about puberty, my body, sex…none of that. Well, my MOTHER'S sex talk was "here's a playgirl magazine if that doesn't scare you enough, please wait till you're at least 16." My fathers was "No sex till you're married – at least till you're 30. Then you're going to have 12 boys and name them all Italian names…"

    So, needless to say, I was on my own for the most part. I did have the internet in Jr High thankfully, and I had friends willing to discuss things with me too. But I had looked at myself in a mirror before. I honestly don't know what prompted me TO do it, but I did.

    Even though I confide everything to my boyfriend and he's "fine" with me and my period (He's not uncomfortable with it He'll even go to the store and buy pads FOR me… things like that) but I just don't see myself being able to ASK him something like that LOL Your husband scored many "bonus points" for bravery and love :smile:

  57. Michelle says:

    For a first time reader, you've sure peaked my interest. I love a blog that isn't scared to tell it how it is.

    I cannot imagine being brave enough to let my husband help me look. (though, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense – he's probably more familiar than me with that part)

  58. Miss Britt says:

    Her Bad Mother: LOL, I thought you were going to rail me about being inappropriate! LOL

    Loon: yeah, maybe I'm just a super prude or something, lol

    Crys: oh the blasphemous things I could do with that comment…

    Michelle: oh honey, it's not always this good :wink:

  59. Maisha says:

    Oh my…what a way to be welcomed to a new blog!lol!first,you write wonderfully I had to go to the kitchenette and get myself a steaming cuppa coffee and a delicious rockbun and settled in on my chair to read this (considering this is low season for my workplace-nothing to do).

    Wow!I cant say I have lost a tampon,ever,cause those things freak me out.I'm a good old girl faithful to my pads.The thought of sticking that thing up my vagina makes me cringe.And the reason I cringe is I keep thinking of a blocked sewage pipe.I know.Yuk!But on a few ocassion when I was left with no choice but,I braved the gross picture that jumps to my mind.

    On another note,this entry would perfectly fit Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues perfectly!

  60. Erica AP says:

    Holy shit – this is the most funny post ever. And a little unnerving… I'm assuming you are ok??

  61. Sheena says:

    Oh my goodness that was hysterical!!

    It does remind me of when I first started my period. My mother didn't have any sort of chat with me, just handed me a box of tampax.

    Well I bitched and moaned for two days about how much they hurt and pinched me and after I went thru a whole large box in two days.. My older sister politely informed me that you weren't supposed to leave the cardboard in…

  62. Got here through MIST's site. This was just so incredibly hilarious. Having been part of "a search" mission prior to this, it hit oh so much closer to home. Thank you. You just filled my humor quota for the day!

  63. NWJR says:

    I came here from mist's "carnival of the mundane". Holy shit…that was some funny stuff.

  64. kario says:

    is it too much to ask for the tampon manufacturers to put a little bit of metal at the end of the string so we could get it with a magnet? Or maybe if you duct tape the string to your thigh…

    Seriously, been there – hated that. Think my hubby would have passed out at the thought. Thanks for the laugh. I found you via AELEOPE.

  65. sarah says:

    Fucking hilarious, Tampons suck

  66. EnergizerBunny says:

    Loved it!! I am going thru this right now. Not sure if I left one in???? Wondering if it will just fall out, eventually. Scared shitless

  67. Anonymous says:


  68. Anonymous says:

    Thanks so much for your blog!!! It just saved my sanity!!! I woke up this morning to the same terror/shock/confusion/disbelief, etc., etc. Did plenty of quite terrifying and sadistic searching with no results. Went to the doctor in tears begging for help. And she found NOTHING! I know I should’ve been relieved, but instead I felt totally disturbed that I couldn’t remember how I had handled my personal hygiene the previous evening and, even more so, that I had almost done permanent damage to myself trying to rectify the situation. I decided to interpret the whole thing as a sign that I need a break and took a day off today. Let’s hope several cups of tea, some bad daytime tv and a few naps will prevent this horror from happening again!!! The only good thing is that searching the Net led me to your story which made me laugh hard enough to expel the non-existent tampon and to remember to be a little kinder to myself…

  69. o. my. god.


    I’ve finally met my twin.

    Most fantabulous blog. Ever. Seriously. :heartbeat:

  70. Finn says:

    Apparently I’m bored, which will explain why I’m commenting on such an old post. But that’s neither here nor there.

    The point is: I can top this. Big time. Ask me about the time I lost the Today sponge in my vagina and had to have my boyfriend (and we hadn’t been together that long) fish it out for me. Or more recently, I tried the Instead menstrual cup thingie and my fingers weren’t long enough to pull it out and my husband had to retrieve it. Good times.

    We’ll make bumper stickers: Ask me about items I lost in my vagina. We’ll be rich. Rich I tell ya!

  71. Angie S says:

    Your story is my story….almost. Cost of Tampons? $5.99. Losing a tampon and then finding it like, a week later all fouled up and rotting? In my VAGINA??? Priceless. One of the most disturbing experiences of my entire life. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know I’m not the only one. And yes, dignity is overrated. :dunno:

  72. Bev says:

    After reading this, I simply MUST share this with you: http://www.funnytheworld.com/2007/May/14.htm

  73. Lynnie says:

    OMG!!! I read this while at work and killed myself laughing but didn’t feel secure enough to tell the men around me what was so funny!! It brought back all my teen horrors that after more than 30 years still haunt me! I didn’t even realize I had lost one until I went to the Dr’s for the old “stick your legs in the stirrups and let me warm up the metal thingy that I’ll shove in there”. The Dr pokes up there and then says “what have we here?” and pulls out an old graying tampon that had been shoved up there by a previous tampon for god knows how long!! I don’t know who was more revolted or embarrassed – him or me or the nurse! Ever since then I got through a series of checks whenever I use one. Did I make sure I removed the old one first? Count and see how many are left in the box and work out how many I’ve used. sigh …. It’s so hard being a girl. Oh the shame!

  74. [...] all things social and human.  I needed another outlet.  With these thoughts in mind I came across this post, which eventually led me to this post, and on and on it went.  I fell in love with the whole idea [...]

  75. Drew says:

    Fantastic yarn! I have been in this situation before and was the guy “digging around in there.” Luckily we found it in a few brief moments. It was weeks before sex did not involve me thinking about that though…

  76. Rachel says:

    Omg you made me laugh so hard. I read some parts to my boyfriend and he basically plugged his ears and said “lalalala” You most certainly are one brave woman.

  77. Rachael says:

    I LOL’d hard. Especially the part about the “fat vagina,” because I’ve had the same feelings! I know how you feel, haha!

  78. stef says:

    i LOVE this post. it’s absolutely beautiful and funny and very honest. also, your husband is hot, AND he helps you look for a missing tampon??? does he have a brother?

  79. [...] packed up and moved to central Florida – 1400 miles away from everyone and everything we ever knew.You will also find me writing about vaginas , shopping, depression, politics, religion, my quest to take over the world, and me). We think she [...]

  80. Kat says:


  81. Emily says:

    This is one of the greatest blog posts ever. Vaginas are hilarious. ;P

  82. Al_Pal says:

    Oh. Em. Gee!

    Gnarly. You poor dear. I want to say more, but. Internets. ;s

    A great husband, indeed. ;D

  83. Anne says:

    I am incredibly impressed with your husband. And I just laughed so hard I cried and am still wiping tears away. What we women go through!

  84. Robin H. says:

    I know this is an old post, but unfortunately it happened to me last month! Even RN’s can do a dumb thing like leaving a tampon in for a week! I’ve had periods from Hell since the birth of my 8 year old son. I go a full 8 days, 3-4 of those days, I’ll soak a Super Duper Tampon, plus a foot long pad every 30-45 minutes. In the middle of one of these “soak everything in sight” nights, I did somehow leave that thing in! A week later, it was “the smell” that clued me in. 20 years ago, after the birth of my daughter, the doctor left fragments of placenta in my uterus. I kept thinking I had a UA (urinary tract infection), so I kept calling for antibiotics. At my 6 week check-up, I still was so swollen, I looked 9 months pregnant. Also, there was this “rotten smell” coming from my vagina. This was the same smell I smelled last month. I squatted as far down to the floor as possible, felt all the way up to my cervix, and sure enough, there it was, curved up like a U, covering my cervix completely. I had left it in, forgotten about it, and must have crammed another in on top of it! I very quickly saw my OB-Gyn. He said this is more common than people think. He told me that if I hadn’t retrieved it when I did, that I would in fact be septic like I was after having my first child, which required a D&C, plus a 5 day hospital stay with a 105 temp. I can’t complain about the 10 days of Flagyl I had to take this time. But almost having TSS is better than having it “full blown”! So ladies, if you suspect you may have left something “up there” immediately squat to the floor and stick those fingers (yours or your spouses) all the way up to that little round object, with an indention in the middle of it (cervix) and pull that sucker out! It will be worth all the digging!

  85. jester says:

    uh. err. ok. After all this time, I’m thinking I might want to just unsubscribe from this particular comment thread.

    • Robin H. says:

      @jester, obviously you have no idea what I’m even talking about

      • jester says:

        @Robin H., Actually, I was a paramedic that worked in the ER. I know what you’re talking about.

        That doesn’t change the fact that I now know more about your menstrual cycle than I should.

        You lost me at “rotten smell.”

  86. Sarina says:

    LMAO! Girl, I AM going through the exact situation and have the same reactions as you.

    It’s as if you were writing about my experience verbatim. I’m still laughing!

    Thanks for sharing this blog. It’s good to know I’m not freaking out.

  87. [...] up and moved to central Florida – 1400 miles away from everyone and everything we ever knew.You will also find me writing about vaginas , shopping, depression, politics, religion, my quest to take over the world, and me). We think she [...]

  88. I just started a blog myself and was scanning through reading some and happened upon yours.
    Girl you deserve a hero cookie for that one!!!
    My luck puts me in the type of situations with my hubby. I laughed so hard I actually cried when I read this!!

  89. Marla says:

    That was seriously funny. I am circulating it here in the great white north of Canada… picked u up off of threeseven off of ecochick off of thebadmomsclub ;-)
    I also quite like your marriage counselling blogs that I read. Big props to you and Jared for all your hard work in that area.

  90. Jenn says:

    Oh my god thank you for that. I’m still terrified but that gave me a good laugh. No smooth ‘tube’ here either.

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