I would have shaved my head, too

Friday, February 23rd, 2007

I can’t go into details, because the details still make me sick to my stomach.  And the tears are too blinding to write through… if I let myself think of the details.  And I know for many of you that won’t make sense.

But, it’s over.  He’s done.  That’s what you need to know.

And I wish I could take out my heart, and give it to him, to spare him from the ache that must be in his right now.  I wish I could stand behind him, and hold up his head as he walks, because the weight of disappointment and disbelief is just too much for him to do it on his own right now.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve screamed over the last 12 or so years, “pick your head up!!! head up!!! head. UP” as he laid on the mat struggling for position.  We used to tease him that his big ol’ head must be too heavy to keep off the mat.  And last night, when I passed him on the street as he left the arena, I found myself wanting to run to him, wrap him in my arms, and tell him all over again.

Head.  Up.

Pick your head up, baby.  Because you’ve done so much to be proud of.  I remember watching you when you were still too young to speak clearly… but you could throw a headlock with the grace and poise of someone twice your age.

I will remember that.  And I’ll remember how you always held out your hand to help your opponent up.  I will remember how many times I saw you collapse into your opponent’s arms when the match was over, congratulating one another on a battle well fought.  I will remember you shaking the hands of the other kid’s dad… and later, of their coaches.  I will remember that I never saw you throw a headgear, or slam a wall, or kick a chair… and not for lack of frustration or disappointment.  But because you have strength, and courage, and… surprisingly enough… tact.

I hate that what you learned last night was that there are some arguments you can not only not win – but not argue.  I hate that you learned about unfairness.  I fear that you’ll be saddled with regrets and what if’s.

I wish I could take all of that from you… but, I can’t.  If I could alleviate the ache in your chest for even a moment, just a moment of reprieve, I would.

I hate that you must have felt alone last night – that you probably still feel alone now.  I wish that I could give you an entire army of support, the way it used to be when you were so much younger.  But you’ve gotten used to fighting your own battles, with little more than a merry, but small, band of stragglers following you along.

We would follow you, merrily, to the very ends of the earth.  Because you’ve inspired us.  You’ve allowed us to live vicariously through you and accomplish things we’d never even thought to dream for.  You’ve shown more guts by being willing to put yourself out there, to take a chance, over and over again then many of us… especially me… could ever imagine.  You have embodied the catch phrase, “No Guts. No Glory” for us.

Please know this.  Know how proud we are of you.  Know how much you are loved and respected and even admired.  Know how much you deserve in life.  Know how much YOU have to be proud of.   Please, know that you have earned the right to stand tall, and walk with your shoulders back.  KNOW this, baby… HEAR ME when I tell you, you’re worthy.

Head. Up.

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  1. Wicked H says:

    I've got peeps Brittski, you let me know where I need them to be dispatched!!

    I don't even know your brother but after all you've written about him, I may be just as proud of him as you.

    Stand Tall Brother, you've earned that.

  2. avitable says:

    1. You're such a great big sister.

    2. You write very well when you're inspired. Your brother will always succeed if he has you behind him.

    3. Will you show me your boobs?

  3. debkitty says:

    Sorry he lost, but unfortunately there is always one to lose. It sucks, but its life. I think you should give him this entry. I think it would mean so very much to him. I wish I would have had someone like you in my life supporting me, it is beautiful how much you love and support your brother, so to me he didn't lose shit!

  4. avitable says:

    I'm so confused how Britt is commenting but it's clearly not her. Is that Amy somehow logged in as Britt?

  5. Joefish says:

    Ah, bummer. No state championship for him, no shave-headed Britt for us.

  6. Blonde Chick says:

    Great post. You definitely should show it to your brother.

    If you’re talking about the state wrestling tourney where I live (??? IA ???) I think I saw your brother compete. Small world!

  7. Championable says:

    I just walked in from vacation, so apologies if I'm a little cloudy. Sounds like he did great, but didn't win it all? If that's the case, then rock on for him. The thing to remember is that he's already done better than 99% of folks EVER do. There's valid disappointment, sure, but it seems that the boy just ROCKED.

    As do you, sister.

  8. jane says:

    Damn. My heart is in my throat. My son played a lot of sports, but there's something so different watching someone you love wrestle, than say, play baseball. You see them give 110% of everything they've got & it's truly heartbreaking to see them lose. But they don't really lose. Wrestling is such a character builder.

    YOU, Miss Britt, are the most wonderful big sister there can possibly be. I love how you love your little brother.

  9. AmyD says:

    Well, that stinks. I’m sorry Britt. :neutral:

    And… I also agree with Joe. Bummer. I was hoping for a “Britney Do” for Britt. :wink:

  10. Ohiowagirl says:

    I am so sorry that lost, but remind him that most don’t make it that far! Give him hugs for me!

  11. Miss Britt says:

    Wicked H: thanks doll – please dispense to a certain ref who called a “defensive pin” at the state tournament. He’ll be easy to find – as there’s only one because it’s fucking INSANE and anyone there that day could point him out to you as biggest. moron. ever.

    avitable: awwwww… you love my boobs!!

    debkitty: thanks sweetie – life lessons suck sometimes!!

    Joefish: nope, still fully ‘fro’ed. :-)

    Blonde Chick: yep, same state tourney – if you saw the kid who had a bull shit defensive pin called on him on day 2… then you saw him. Who were you cheering for? I know FD had a couple kids.

    AmyD: que sera and all that shit, I guess ;-)

    Championable: He does, indeed, rock. :mrgreen:

    jane: that is an EXCELLENT description of what makes wrestling so awesome, and heartbreaking at the same time… thank you

    Ohiowagirl: I told him what you said about the one-armed push ups and he laughed :-)

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