The things you do for love

This weekend I had an opportunity to have a nice little chat with my baby brother’s new “girlfriend” as she sat huddled in a corner booth at a local restaurant.

I would have never even known she was there if my brother hadn’t sought me out to tell me.  So, technically, anything that happened after that point is his fault.  Really.  I cannot be held responsible (or, for the record, legally liable).

Anyways, I position myself across from this little would-be tart.

Me: “Do you know who I am?”

Her: “Um…. no…”

*school girl giggling

Me: “Seriously?  You’ve never heard of me?  You’ve never heard of his overbearing, protective big sister?”

She shakes her head again, at which point the sidekick beside her pipes up to inform us all that she has most definitely “heard” of me.  That would explain all the sidekick’s nervous fidgeting.

I proceeded to “introduce” myself.  I laid out the ground rules.  I calmly explained to her that she was not, under any circumstances, to hurt my brother’s feelings.  I elaborated for her by detailing what fates past girlfriends had met with, and hinting at what it might be like to wake up one morning and find every pair of jeans you own now crotchless, leaving you with an uneasy feeling as you tried to figure out who had been in your room while you slept.

Me: “You will not make my brother cry.  Period.  Nor will you fuck up his senior year of wrestling with childish mind games that you girls like to play.  If you have a problem with him, you better bite your little tongue until the season is over.  No pouting, no flirting, no asking him why he doesn’t talk to you right before he wrestles.  And once the season is over, should you decide that you are no longer good enough for him, you better be upfront and honest with him.  And do not – for any reason – make him cry.”

She responded with lots of nodding and more giggling.  I could tell she was working very hard at acting like this was no big deal and she could totally handle the bullying of an older sibling.  She’s got moxy, this one.

Me: “I’m not laughing.  Nor am I joking – not even a little.  Oh – and that thing about me running girls over with my car?  That’s not exactly true.  I haven’t run anyone over with my car. Yet.”

Her eyes bulged, almost imperceptibly, as her giggles briefly turned to nervous twitters before she quickly regained her composure.

My brother finally lifted his head out of his hands and looked at me pleadingly, “Britt – are you done yet?”

I leveled my gaze at her.  Strong, steady, very Godfather-esque.  “I don’t know – are we done here?”

And she nodded, deliberately, and we both knew that a contract had just been sealed.

I smiled, the sticky sweet smile of someone who is homicidally polite, and offered her my hand to shake.

“It was lovely to meet you,” I gushed.

I turned and flounced back to my party.  After about a two minute marinade time, I sent my husband over to the table to play “good cop” – or, “not crazy relative” as it may be.  Just as instructed, he was polite and charming and completely non-threatening.  I’m completely OK with some young chickadee thinking I might be crazy.  But my brother does have a reputation to uphold.

It hasn’t been that long since I was in high school.

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  1. Wicked H says:

    I have never been so proud of you. Bravo!!!!!

  2. avitable says:

    Well done. If I actually liked my siblings, I'd do the same for them, but I don't.

  3. J. says:

    I'm scared now. :shock:

  4. Mist 1 says:

    My sister has yet to introduce me to anyone she's dating. She always has a "break up" before I get to town.

  5. AmyD says:

    :shock: Oh, my.

    See, this is just the sort of thing I would like to do to my son's girlfriends. Unfortunately, moms can't do that sort of thing.:roll:

  6. Joefish says:

    Nothing but love for you Britt, but this kind of thing is just silly. She's going to do whatever anyway. Would you really follow through with any of your thinly veiled threats?

  7. Bella says:

    You're a sassy little girl, Britt. :twisted:

    That's pretty cool. I'll have to remember that one if another girl stomps on my little brother's heart again.

  8. Miss Britt says:

    Mr. Fab: Fear is the first step to adoration.

    Wicked: thank you :wink:

    avitable: I would do this for all of my siblings, although I do LIKE all of them. But the baby – well – he warrants a little added "protection".

    J. : why – are you dating my brother? :twisted:

    Mist: I have a feeling once my brother leaves this small town, it will be the same for us

    AmyD: LOL, that's what my mom says. She is baffled that I can get away with that crap but she would be tarred and feathered for it.


    Is silly the same as funny? Because THAT my friend was totally funny – seriously. :-)

    And, while I'm not exactly PROUD to admit it, I have made one young girl cry. Now, in my defense, she was crying out of anxiety for what I WOULD do – not for anything I actually DID.

    You just wait until Miles is old enough to get his little heart broken. Wait until the first time he comes home from a dance he was so excited about, crying and embarrassed and absolutely defeated because some girl was mean to him.

    When that happens, you will have to suppress everything in you that is telling you to protect your baby. Or you'll have to hold Barb back by telling her she's being silly.

    I've never been very good at self suppression. :twisted:

    Bella: preventative measures Bella, preventative

  9. Jose918 says:

    Oh master, you are just too much. Bravo!

  10. jane says:

    Every young man needs an older sister like you. I figure some day I'll have a talk like this with my kids prospective spouses. But that discussion will involve mention of pliers & a tongue.

    Good job Britt!

  11. The CEO says:

    Now, if you had a pillory, you might also stamp out bigotry and hatred in your spare time.

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