Happiness Interview with Life Coach Tim Brownson

When I hear the phrase life coach I picture a middle-aged woman backlit by the afternoon sun and wearing a peasant top. She uses words like manifest and Universe.

And then there’s Tim Brownson. Tim is so not that life coach.

Tim is a balding Brit who’s more likely to drop an f-bomb during a session than the M word. He is a rabid critic of the Law of Attraction. He is not afraid to use controversy as a marketing tool.

And he is a really good life coach.

I’ve worked with Tim before. He was excellent at catching my negative self-talk and limiting beliefs and knocking me out of my own head. He is tough, smart, helpful, and encouraging.

This is what Tim has to say about happiness.

Happiness Interview w Tim Brownson

How do you define happiness?

So glad you started off with such a simple question Britt!

Happiness is so difficult to define and people often confuse it with pleasure. People think they are happy when they receive that pay raise, go on vacation, buy a new house or any other number of things, but what they are really experiencing is pleasure.

I think happiness resides in a more abstract and certainly less materialistic space.

If a person is in alignment with their core values, then I think t here is a case to be made for saying that by and large they will be happy. But as we know, happiness like pleasure or any other human emotion for that matter is fleeting. It comes and it goes.

A person could be living the dream in every aspect of their life and practicing their core values, but the death of a loved one, a serious medical illness diagnosis or receiving any really bad news can remove their happiness in an instant.

The people who I admire the most are those who have cultivated total peace of mind and equanimity. I think they are some of the happiest people in the world because they don’t get bogged down by the vagaries of life. They live it day-to-day without the need to fret about the future or feel regret about the past.

In other words I have no fucking clue, sorry!

How do you make happiness a priority in your life?

I’m not sure I do, at least not on a daily a conscious level. On the other hand I left a very high paying career ten years ago to pursue coaching because I knew it was what I really, really wanted to do.

Sales was killing me and I was stressed senseless, so I guess at that point I was making being happy a major priority.

You can tell I’m making this as I go along because I just realized that I meditate every day, and what is that if not a conscious effort to be happier and keep my stress levels to a sensible level? I also go to the gym 3 or 4 times per week and I always get a happiness boost from that, and I listen to stand up comedy every day because I just love laughing!

So I guess the answer is meditation, exercise and lots of humor.

Oh and loud music, I listen to a lot of dance music.

And Nutella.

What “shoulds” have you let go to pursue happiness?

I think the biggest is that I should earn a certain amount of money. I have never earned as much coaching as I did in my last full year in sales and I couldn’t give a crap.

Not that I’m averse to having more cash, in fact I aim to hit that figure in 2015. But now money is a byproduct of delivering massive value and helping others because the pleasure I get from my work is worth waaaaaaaaay more than living in a house with 9 bedrooms, a swimming pool and a Butler called Butler.

I have also let go of the feeling that I really should grow up.

I’m not going there, it’s a trap and my brain insists that I’m 22 not 52. My body has other ideas, but who cares because my brain is running the show?

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received about happiness?

tim brownson quote do work you loveOh bloody hell Britt I have no frickin’ clue! The problem is like you, I have read so many books, watched so many talks, done so much training and spoken to so many people that everything blurs for the most part.

I think the most important realization I had, and it may have come in the form of advice I honestly cannot remember, was that we spend half our waking lives at work and as such it should be doing work we love. My last 10 years in sales were for the most part miserable (at least when at work) and I wouldn’t encourage anybody to do a job ‘for the money’ if it has them dreading every Monday morning.

Don’t compromise with happiness, it simply isn’t worth it.

As a life coach, what do you wish most people knew about happiness?

That it doesn’t come from external crap. Everybody gets the concept of money not buying happiness, but they get it for everybody else and not themselves. They still think the 20% raise, the Mercedes SLK or Jimmy Choo shoes will make them happy because buying such things raises our status and the brain releases lots of lovely dopamine in recognition of this.

But as humans we’re amazing at adapting to our circumstances (both good and bad), so whereas those things may well bring short-term pleasure, that will soon wear off and another dopamine fix is needed.

Hang on I may need to reassess. My wife just came in and she said the Jimmy Choo shoes really do deliver happiness and I should buy her a pair so she can prove it. This is your fault Reints!

Get more of Tim at his blog, A Daring Adventure.

How I’m Learning to Do Nothing Better

distracted driver

I have a confession to make:

I sometimes check my email while I’m driving.

In my defense, I only do it when I’m stopped at a red light. But still.

There is absolutely no good reason for me to be putting myself and everyone else on the road in danger. And make no mistake: that’s exactly what I’m doing when I check out of driving (even partially and temporarily) and into my phone.

I’m also distracting myself from a few moments of nothingness.

As a society, we’ve gotten really bad at coping with nothingness.

We never have to sit and do nothing. We have mental stimulation at our fingertips all the time.

I think having unlimited information, connection, and entertainment options literally in my pocket is pretty dang cool. I’m #teamInternet all the way.

But I also realize that constant stimulation is not good for my brain.

So, thanks to an Internet article shared by a Happiness Conspiracy member, I’ve decided to use red lights to practice doing nothing.

Whenever I come to a red light, instead of reaching for my phone I am choosing to take a few deep breaths while I wait for the light to change.

It’s sort of like a little mindfulness practice.

I’ve been doing this for about a week, and I still have to remind myself every single time. The craving to occupy myself is strong. I’ve succumbed to a “quick peek” more than once.

But I can already tell that I’m getting a little more comfortable with nothingness. I’m handling short-term boredom better.

And, I’m sure, I’m becoming a much safer driver.

Tell me: do you check your phone while you’re driving?

Happiness Interview with The Brazen Kitchen’s Leah Lizarondo

One of the greatest blessings of my life is that I get to meet really cool people – people like Leah Lizarondo.

Leah is a fellow TEDx speaker, food writer, super successful blogger, public policy expert, former CEO of a non-profit, wife, mother, and fabulous dresser. I can’t think of anyone else I respect or admire more than her.

She also has a mega-watt smile that is frequently on display, so naturally I had to harass her into doing a happiness interview with us!

Happiness Interview with Leah Lizarondo

How do you define happiness?

This was a hard one for me and I think being older has really helped. Its like what you say — letting go of the “shoulds” — but really along with that is not giving a fuck about what other people think. Not to say I put my whole life out there in the open. But when you let go of the “shoulds” and not give a flying F, you suddenly realize that you’re free.

Freedom, the MANY definitions of it, is happiness.

I say many definitions because freedom is not one concrete thing. There’s a lot of self-consciousness in our 20s and 30s and with that we allow ourselves and our actions to be defined by what other people think–whether it’s society at large, your parents, your boyfriend, your friends. I think that’s why I moved to NY in my 20s; I wanted to be away from everyone who knew me and just be free to explore, do things, and make mistakes. And boy did I push the envelope. I made TONS of mistakes. But I would never trade it for anything else. I look back at it now and I think, well, that was fun.

Fast forward almost 2 decades later, I realize that freedom, happiness, all these things comes from our own energy and drive.

How do you fit what makes you happy into your day-to-day life?

First, whenever I hear myself say “should” its a signal for me to think again. Its a constant exercise. We are programmed by shoulds (I even find myself saying it to my kids!) so its take a lifetime to deprogram.

I also try to move towards happiness every day — even on the hard days. That may mean: pulling out my yoga mat even for a 15 minute practice no matter how tired I am, making sure I tuck my kids in and have a few moments of sweet conversation with them on a particularly busy day, doing one thing that moves a work goal forward no matter how small, eating something that makes me feel nourished.

What “shoulds” have you let go of to pursue your happiness?

I’ve had to balance my values as a parent and the pace that I want to have with my work. That’s the biggest thing — all the work shoulds.

I never changed a diaper or really ever held babies before my first child, but as soon as I give birth my whole life changed. That sounds like a cliche but its true. Before I gave birth I was 100% career at the expense of everything else. But after, I just couldn’t — and didn’t want to — do the same. From not holding babies, I became an attached parent in all its Dr. Sears textbook incarnations. I co-sleep, my kids nurse well into toddlerhood, and I like to spend time with them a lot.

Time is finite. Something had to give, and it was work.

That decision did not come without much hand wringing. Even just recently, I let go of a plum project that many people would give their right arm for. But, it would have required really long work weeks and being away too much. That decision was hard, but I have a little 21 month old who will grow up too fast (and I know that because I look at my 9 year old and think, wow, how did that happen?)

I’ve had to adjust my expectations — not in what I want to achieve work-wise (I’m just as goal-oriented), but in the time bounds.

I’ve also let go of a lot of relationship shoulds. I used to think that every relationship had to be fixed, to be just right, but really there’s freedom in embracing imperfections. And, some relationships require just walking away from. That is OK. Relationships also don’t have to be constrained within conventional definitions, social mores. Convention changes all the time — so I’ve had to set my own definitions.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received about happiness?

From yoga, and the hardest to be mindful of:

Be present.

That in itself is a meditation and really hard to understand sometimes. I’m still working on this!

What do you do when you’re feeling unhappy?

I drink and do drugs. Just kidding.

I go out, see my friends, be out in the world. I learned that when I am feeling unhappy, it’s usually a feeling of disconnection — whether its with myself, where I am, with someone.

If I surround myself with good friends, good people, HAPPY people, I reconnect. And, as you know, studies have shown happiness is contagious (all kinds of energy is) and good energy is very attractive (and sexy) so I seek it out. Pretty soon, I feel so much better. Humans were designed to connect and I am a voracious connector. I love people.

I also do things that I know are GOOD FOR ME but not necessarily easy. In other words, taking care of myself.

Women have a hard time doing that. Moms I think sometimes feel guilty.You know how in those airplane safety demos they ask you to put the oxygen mask on first? I used to think, well, that’s counter-intuitive, but hey you have to keep yourself alive to be able to care for others. So I do things that make me feel alive. I make myself do yoga, I drink a green juice or two, I get a massage, I go somewhere alone or with friends.

I think of “the greatest love of all” and I used to think, that’s selfish. But really, sing it with me, “learning to love yourself…”

Thank you, Leah, for making me google the lyrics to that song and discover that it is not about being pregnant but about loving yourself – only 30 years after it was released!

Your turn! What do you do that is GOOD FOR YOU but not necessarily easy? Tell us in the comments to inspire and encourage others.

42 Quick Fixes for Happiness

Is there a quick fix for happiness? Yes and no.

There’s nothing simple you can do right now that will make you happy forever and ever. There are, however, lots of little decisions you can make every single day to help you live a happier life.

Happiness is not a destination

Being happy is a continual process, a constant choice to act in a way that reflects what matters most to you. Happiness happens when you bring to life your ideals.

Happiness, in other words, is very much about what you do.

So what can you do right now to be happier? I’ve put together a list of easy things you can do to be happier. They’re tiny actions that can yield big results – and none of them require more than a few minutes of your time.

42 Quick Fixes to Be Happier Right Now

  1. Make your bed.
  2. Stretch for a few minutes before you get dressed.
  3. Take a mindful shower.
  4. Smile at yourself in the mirror.
  5. Put together a new outfit from your existing wardrobe.
  6. Hug someone.
  7. Take a new route to work.
  8. Drive with the radio off.
  9. Send a “just thinking of you” text to a friend.
  10. Listen to a positive affirmation.
  11. Make eye contact with and smile at a stranger.
  12. Take the stairs.
  13. Stand barefoot in the grass, dirt, or sand.
  14. Eat a fruit or vegetable.
  15. Send a thank-you email.
  16. Walk around the block.
  17. Have lunch with a co-worker.
  18. Clean out your purse.
  19. Hold the door for someone.
  20. Tidy up a shared space.
  21. Listen to your favorite song from beginning to end.
  22. Take three deep breaths.
  23. Do a crossword puzzle.
  24. Draw a picture.
  25. Clear off your desk.
  26. Eat outside.
  27. Make plans to see a friend.
  28. Call to say “I love you.”
  29. Send a “good job” memo.
  30. Write down three things that you’re grateful for right now.
  31. Take an interesting picture of something ordinary.
  32. Do the dishes.
  33. Look at old pictures.
  34. Try a new recipe.
  35. Dance.
  36. Call your grandma.
  37. Do 25 jumping jacks.
  38. Answer (or finally delete) an old email.
  39. Sing. Loudly.
  40. Throw out anything that is expired in your fridge.
  41. Buy someone a cup of coffee.
  42. Write a positive review for a book, product, or favorite restaurant.

How many could you do before the end of the day today? I challenge you to pick three right now that you’ll commit to doing in the next 24 hours.

Your turn! What quick fix for happiness would you add to this list? Post it in the comments to inspire and encourage others.

Happiness Interview with My Friend Sam Laffey

This is the second time my friend Sam has given me a happiness interview. The first time, she asked me what the heck I was thinking – and her responses to my interview questions made me ask myself the same question. Turns out Sam was in “a bit of a funk-o-la” at the time even though she looked on the outside like she was doing all the right things.

That was three months ago.

Last week, out of the blue, Sam sent me another set of responses to my original interview question. The difference was like night and day.

The moral of this story: even funk-o-la is temporary.

sam laffey happiness interview

What does it mean to you to “be happy” or have a happy life?

For me, being happy is finding an inner peace with what is and making the choice to live life with intention.

Whether it’s a big choice like not going to an event that I know will drain me, or a small choice like unfollowing someone on Facebook who is throwing negative crap at my day, I consistently ask myself, “Will this feel good? Will this energize me? Will this bring me peace?” If the answer is no, well, then the answer is no.

Choosing to do more of what makes me smile, makes me laugh, lifts my heart and gives me energy makes my life happy.

What have been the best ACTIONS you’ve taken in pursuit of happiness?

#1 is making the choice to be happy, to pursue happiness.

will this feel goodFor so long, despite ups and downs, bad moments and good, I declared myself to just “not be a happy person.” Even on a smiley day where everything went amazingly, I would still say “This was a great day but I’m not a happy person.”

Once I realized that continuing to hold onto that belief was only getting in my own way, and simply feeding my fear of being happy, I made the conscious choice to do what I could to be happy, including acknowledging moments where I was happy.

Which brings me to #2. I swear Britt didn’t pay me to say this but seriously, my gratitude practice has been one of the most significant actions I’ve taken in pursuing happiness.

The primary benefit of my gratitude practice is increased awareness. Even if I don’t include every last little thing each day, I am consistently checking in with myself. “Ah yes, this feels great. I love this. I want to remember this. I want to do this again.” Or “This kinda sucks. Let’s not repeat this thing.” Another benefit is just seeing the patterns overtime of what makes me happy.

My top 3 things currently are spending time with my adorable pups, eating wonderful food, and spending time with friends. With that information, I’m armed with the knowledge to choose to do more of those things in the future.

What “shoulds” have you let go of in order to pursue your happiness?

The only “should” I’ve had to let go of in order to pursue my happiness is “You should (call, write, visit, apologize, etc) because she’s your mother.” My mother isn’t happy and blames everyone she can besides herself for that. My mother has made it clear she is not interested in having a relationship with me. My mother is emotionally abusive. It took me 30 years to free myself from the obligation of going back into that minefield, but finally doing it probably ranks as #3 up there with best actions I’ve taken to be happy.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received about happiness?

The best advice about happiness I’ve received is that it’s not a race to be won and then left in the dust.

Happiness is another facet of my overall health that requires daily attention and effort, and the occasional tune-up.

You can find out more about Sam and her copywriting services here.

Read more interviews with other happy people.